Funny Army stories

[Classact]

When I graduated army airborne school and dawned my spit shined Cochoran Jump boots and put my glider patch **** cap on I was one proud airborne trooper.

But that was short lived... upon arriving at the 82nd Airborne Division I found out I and the other recent jump school graduates were "cherries". It seems you are a Cherry until you have made your first jump at Fort Bragg... being a cherry means you get messed with constantly. Being in an MP unit with people working 24/7 there was always someone available to wake you up every two hours for piss call. But the true initiation was when you finally made that 6th jump, your first at FT. Bragg... we are on the plane and rigged up in our chutes heading for Sicily DZ and the jump-master is screaming out orders over the loud C130... Stand up! Hook Up! Check equipment! Move to the door! Just as it was my turn to exit the guy behind me pulls out some parachute silk from inside his shirt and throws it over my shoulder and says, "Your chute is fucked up" just as the jump-master insisted I exit the door... one thousand, two thousand, three thousand four thousand... my chute was fine. My cherry friend was on the other door and the guy behind him had an extra static line and threw it over his shoulder and said , I unhooked your shit! He pulled his reserve chute and was ridiculed all the way down.

[Mr. P]

When I graduated army airborne school and dawned my spit shined Cochoran Jump boots and put my glider patch **** cap on I was one proud airborne trooper.

But that was short lived... upon arriving at the 82nd Airborne Division I found out I and the other recent jump school graduates were "cherries". It seems you are a Cherry until you have made your first jump at Fort Bragg... being a cherry means you get messed with constantly. Being in an MP unit with people working 24/7 there was always someone available to wake you up every two hours for piss call. But the true initiation was when you finally made that 6th jump, your first at FT. Bragg... we are on the plane and rigged up in our chutes heading for Sicily DZ and the jump-master is screaming out orders over the loud C130... Stand up! Hook Up! Check equipment! Move to the door! Just as it was my turn to exit the guy behind me pulls out some parachute silk from inside his shirt and throws it over my shoulder and says, "Your chute is fucked up" just as the jump-master insisted I exit the door... one thousand, two thousand, three thousand four thousand... my chute was fine. My cherry friend was on the other door and the guy behind him had an extra static line and threw it over his shoulder and said , I unhooked your shit! He pulled his reserve chute and was ridiculed all the way down.

:laugh2::laugh2::laugh2:
:salute:

[Classact]

I know there are soldiers with stories besides me... get busy.

As a buck sergeant I found myself assigned in Korea to the Headquarters of an MP Battalion. The Adjutant advised me that he and I were to represent the Provost Marshal in a semi formal Korean Police - military police social function. The Mayor and police chief would be there and awards would be presented. The place was an upscale Geisha house and the Geisha's were all in white silk with red ribbon ties and served our every needs feeding us nuts to our lips and keeping our beer glasses full.

Mid way through the somewhat formal event I asked the Adjutant if I could leave, the beer was good and the food was great but you can only handle so much sitting on the floor in front of a foot high table... He winks at me and says, oh the fun part is about to happen, stay!

Moments the Chief of police was rambling on in Korean as he read an award for some cop when he, without notice placed his free arm around the Geisha and pulled her red ribbon and filled his had with a puppy that was standing way up firm and high without missing a word or changing his facial expression... this went like dominoes around the room and it was my turn ... the Lieutenant looked at me and said, don't insult your Korean counterpart as he filled his hand.

[Classact]

:laugh2::laugh2::laugh2:
:salute:Almost a year later I was a seasoned Specialist Forth Class and a new group of cherries had arrived... My turn!

It was another C130 like my Avatar and the flight to the DZ was long and low altitude in the winter... over rivers the plane would drop and over the plowed fields it would rise... almost an hour of tossing up and down and everyone, including the seasoned jumpers were ripe for the burp bag... Unknown to any but my best friends I had smuggled a zip lock bag full of split pea soup inside of my shirt and while no one was watching I dumped it in my burp bag... and moaned and moaned as I pretended to puke in the burp bag... Then suddenly I stood up to get everyones attention and screamed Airborne! and placed the burp bag to my lips and let the split pea soup run down my cheeks as I pretended to drink it... we are talking chain reaction... The AF flight crew were pissed as we went slip sliding out the door.

[Mr. P]

Almost a year later I was a seasoned Specialist Forth Class and a new group of cherries had arrived... My turn!

It was another C130 like my Avatar and the flight to the DZ was long and low altitude in the winter... over rivers the plane would drop and over the plowed fields it would rise... almost an hour of tossing up and down and everyone, including the seasoned jumpers were ripe for the burp bag... Unknown to any but my best friends I had smuggled a zip lock bag full of split pea soup inside of my shirt and while no one was watching I dumped it in my burp bag... and moaned and moaned as I pretended to puke in the burp bag... Then suddenly I stood up to get everyones attention and screamed Airborne! and placed the burp bag to my lips and let the split pea soup run down my cheeks as I pretended to drink it... we are talking chain reaction... The AF flight crew were pissed as we went slip sliding out the door.

OMG!!! :laugh2: you shit!!! :laugh2:

I have stories but none that include practical jokes, the Cav didn't have much of a sense of humor.

[Classact]

OMG!!! :laugh2: you shit!!! :laugh2:

I have stories but none that include practical jokes, the Cav didn't have much of a sense of humor.Yea, us MP's didn't like the Cav's sense of humor either. In 68 and 69 there were the DC riots and a lot of threats from anti war protesters on Ft. Bragg and as a result we and most units did a lot of riot control training. One fine fall day we were finally going to the field for some war training and we were jumping in with equipment... there were opposing forces and as it turned out the 1st of the 17th Cav was our opposing force... Here we are with our thirty five pound drop bags (see my avatar) full of cookies and candy bars to last the exercise, rifle straped on in the case and we were jumping from 2,000 feet in a mass tactical landing. As the wave of our planes dropped us the 1/17th Cav flew over our chutes in their light helicopters and dropped baseball riot control teargas grenades... If that wasn't bad enough they came through our base camp that night at 2:00Am with their light tanks at about 20MPH... lucky no one was killed... we were in two man pup tents back then and it was grab em and find a big tree to get behind. Yea, you Cav folks have a sense of humor.

[typomaniac]

... upon arriving at the 82nd Airborne Division I found out I and the other recent jump school graduates were "cherries". It seems you are a Cherry until you have made your first jump at Fort Bragg... being a cherry means you get messed with constantly. Being in an MP unit with people working 24/7 there was always someone available to wake you up every two hours for piss call. ...

If someone in my unit woke ME up two hours after I went to sleep, I'd tell him to take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.

[Classact]

If someone in my unit woke ME up two hours after I went to sleep, I'd tell him to take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.We lived in a rough playhouse and it didn't matter what you complained they would still screw with you. I remember when a line was drawn by the First Sergeant on messing with cherries when this 260 pound buck sergeant held one out of the third floor window nude by his ankles shaking him up and down quizzing him on parachute landing falls...

[Gaffer]

Here's my daughters favorite story. Don't know how it will come across writing it instead of telling it but I'll try.

Being the platoon tunnel rat, it was my job to go into all the tunnels we found and check them out, then set charges and blow them up. Well we found this one tunnel that had an entrance that went down at a 45 degree angle about 5 feet, then leveled off and turned right. It was only big enough to crawl in so I went in head first with my flashlight and 45. At the turn I peeked around the corner and it went another 5 or 6 feet and I saw it turned right again. Now I figured, based on previous experience there was probably a larger chamber after this next turn and it was likely there would be someone in there. So I crawled up on my belly to the corner. Took out a grenade, pulled the pin and tossed it around the corner. Thinking all the time it would go into a larger room and I could just scurry backwards away from the blast. Actually this was a really stupid thing to do when I think back on it cause I was wrong on all counts. The tunnel around the corner only went back about 2 feet. The grenade hit the dirt wall and bounced back landing in front of me. So in less time than it takes to read this I ran the thoughts through my head head of what to do. Scoot back, duck my head and hope for the best. Or try to get the hell out of there. I chose the second one and did a backward crawl as fast as I could to the entrance, turned and tried to crawl up. The grenade went off and I sailed out of the hole like superman erupting from the earth.

If they gave purple heart for wounded pride I would have definitely got one on that occasion. Felt like a total and complete idiot. Fortunately for my wounded pride the other guys were busy securing the site and didn't see what happened. I was able to pretend it was all part of the plan for blowing up the tunnel. But I didn't take any more grenades with me into the tunnels.

[Classact]

Here's my daughters favorite story. Don't know how it will come across writing it instead of telling it but I'll try.

Being the platoon tunnel rat, it was my job to go into all the tunnels we found and check them out, then set charges and blow them up. Well we found this one tunnel that had an entrance that went down at a 45 degree angle about 5 feet, then leveled off and turned right. It was only big enough to crawl in so I went in head first with my flashlight and 45. At the turn I peeked around the corner and it went another 5 or 6 feet and I saw it turned right again. Now I figured, based on previous experience there was probably a larger chamber after this next turn and it was likely there would be someone in there. So I crawled up on my belly to the corner. Took out a grenade, pulled the pin and tossed it around the corner. Thinking all the time it would go into a larger room and I could just scurry backwards away from the blast. Actually this was a really stupid thing to do when I think back on it cause I was wrong on all counts. The tunnel around the corner only went back about 2 feet. The grenade hit the dirt wall and bounced back landing in front of me. So in less time than it takes to read this I ran the thoughts through my head head of what to do. Scoot back, duck my head and hope for the best. Or try to get the hell out of there. I chose the second one and did a backward crawl as fast as I could to the entrance, turned and tried to crawl up. The grenade went off and I sailed out of the hole like superman erupting from the earth.

If they gave purple heart for wounded pride I would have definitely got one on that occasion. Felt like a total and complete idiot. Fortunately for my wounded pride the other guys were busy securing the site and didn't see what happened. I was able to pretend it was all part of the plan for blowing up the tunnel. But I didn't take any more grenades with me into the tunnels.Great story and nicely told! That will be hard to top... I remember going through the Vietnam village training camp and failing the tunnel option of sending someone in... I was like don't we have explosives or tear gas or something for stuff like that?

I went through NCO academy with a Filipino Sergeant that taught camouflage and he did Long Range Recon Patrols in Vietnam and neighboring jungles... He was also "real", like you and told us of the time they accidentally stumbled on a battalion sized force and had to hunker down near a trail as the enemy passed... He said it was then that he knew his cammo training was the best when a Cong peed on his hat as he squatted motionless beside the trail... This 90 pound man could make himself invisible in the wild, I've never seen anything like it.

[Classact]

I was at Fort Bragg when the army first started to parachute from Huey's and it made for a funny story. Huey jumps soon came to be known as Hollywood jumps because they were so painless in preparation and duration...

This wasn't the case for Sgt. Rock, we nicknamed him this because he was a gung ho type of hyper nervous dude. There were extra long ground briefings explaining the commands from the jump master and how they differed from a fixed wing aircraft. The key differences were the jump master would check your equipment, check and hook up your static line, advise you when to remove the safety strap (the jumpers are four on each side with the doors open with the men sitting on the floor with feet hanging out) and finally the instructions for jumping being that the jump master would tap you on the helmet when it was your turn.

Well the deal was you chute up, sit on the floor, buckle up and then the Huey would circle around to jump altitude as the jump master did a final check and hooked your static line... Well Sgt. Rock was in the number one jump position and the aircraft had barely reached 1500 feet as it flew over the wonderful NC long needle pines that encircled the DZ when the Jump master hooked up Sgt. Rock's static line followed by a hand trace back to his chute to assure there were no tangles... the problem... flying in an open door helicopter is rather loud and you can't hear that clearly so that's why the tap on the helmet is necessary for go, or jump command... just as the jump master traced his hand down Sgt. Rocks static line he accidentally came into contact with his helmet and Sgt. Rock's eyes got big as he twisted his neck to see the jump master, it was then the jump master realized the problem and said NO! very loud and Sgt. Rock thought he said GO! First he tried to jump with the safety strap, then removed the strap and jumped dead in the middle of nowhere NC pines... it took us three hours to go recover Sgt. Rock who was hanging thirty feet above the ground and he never lived it down.

[Gaffer]

I wasn't a LRRP. But we were the battalion recon platoon. So we were always first into an area. If we went in as part of the company it was with the first wave. We would go in and find em and the battalion would follow up and kick the shit out of them.

I was at Tiger Land in Ft Polk for jungle training and we got a lot of camouflage training there along with everything else they could teach us about Vietnam. It didn't amount to squat compared with the real thing. OJT was the best trainer. Plus things like camo paint was hard to come by when I was there. We rarely got to use it.

We use to write things on our helmit covers. Some would write little comments about the army or have calenders showing when they were going home. I got inspired. In 1966 the TV series Batman was real popular. The rare occasion that we were back at base camp we would try to get down to where they had a movie screen set up. Seems every time we were there they were showing two things. The TV shows Combat and Batman. So I wrote on my helmit "Protected By Batman".

We really weren't interested in seeing a TV show on WW2 and Batman was just plain silly.

I do have a couple of others to share here as well.

[Gaffer]

I was at Fort Bragg when the army first started to parachute from Huey's and it made for a funny story. Huey jumps soon came to be known as Hollywood jumps because they were so painless in preparation and duration...

This wasn't the case for Sgt. Rock, we nicknamed him this because he was a gung ho type of hyper nervous dude. There were extra long ground briefings explaining the commands from the jump master and how they differed from a fixed wing aircraft. The key differences were the jump master would check your equipment, check and hook up your static line, advise you when to remove the safety strap (the jumpers are four on each side with the doors open with the men sitting on the floor with feet hanging out) and finally the instructions for jumping being that the jump master would tap you on the helmet when it was your turn.

Well the deal was you chute up, sit on the floor, buckle up and then the Huey would circle around to jump altitude as the jump master did a final check and hooked your static line... Well Sgt. Rock was in the number one jump position and the aircraft had barely reached 1500 feet as it flew over the wonderful NC long needle pines that encircled the DZ when the Jump master hooked up Sgt. Rock's static line followed by a hand trace back to his chute to assure there were no tangles... the problem... flying in an open door helicopter is rather loud and you can't hear that clearly so that's why the tap on the helmet is necessary for go, or jump command... just as the jump master traced his hand down Sgt. Rocks static line he accidentally came into contact with his helmet and Sgt. Rock's eyes got big as he twisted his neck to see the jump master, it was then the jump master realized the problem and said NO! very loud and Sgt. Rock thought he said GO! First he tried to jump with the safety strap, then removed the strap and jumped dead in the middle of nowhere NC pines... it took us three hours to go recover Sgt. Rock who was hanging thirty feet above the ground and he never lived it down.

That's funny. Though he sounds like the kind that would be one of the first casualties in real combat. Hope he toned down as he got more experience.

We didn't have any straps when we went up. We just sat there looking out the door. In fact most of our choppers had the doors removed. When did they start the chopper jumps I didn't know they did that. I would think there would be too much down draft from the rooters. But then I wouldn't jump out of a plane for hell or high water either, so what do I know.

[typomaniac]

We lived in a rough playhouse and it didn't matter what you complained they would still screw with you. I remember when a line was drawn by the First Sergeant on messing with cherries when this 260 pound buck sergeant held one out of the third floor window nude by his ankles shaking him up and down quizzing him on parachute landing falls...

Probably best I couldn't serve, then. I would've pulled the son of a bitch out the window with me. :laugh2:

[Gaffer]

About 3 months into my tour I got the bright idea to get a reel to reel tape recorder and tape letters home. My Dad got one too and we would send tapes back and forth. The whole family could send me voice messages this way. They would tape something then turn it off and some one else would tape something a little later until it was full then mail it.

So I am listening to this one tape and my brother comes on. He's a senior in HS at this time. He starts telling me about how he and his friend have been skipping school for the last few days and how they are covering it with false excuse slips and so on, then telling me all the things they are doing while not in school. I'm thinking he's a dumb shmuck for doing this and suddenly my father comes on and says hi. He then says " I was going to record something and noticed the tape was somewhat used so I rewound it to make sure where to start recording again and just listened to your brothers whole confession." Pause here for all the laughing I did when I heard this. "He's in his room now..."

So my brother was on a months house restriction and had to bring home his home work and all assignments as proof he was in school, and not allowed to do anything or go anywhere. His friend got similar punishment.

There were only two problems with the tape recorder. It ran on batteries and I could only use it when back in base camp. So its use was limited.

[Gaffer]

Here's one that more funny-weird than just funny.

It was in July I know that much. Where we were at that time is anybodies guess. We had set up a company perimeter for the night. There were four guys on a listening post in front of our position. The password for them if they had to run back in was Merry Christmas.

We all set up in our foxholes and divided up the watch for the night. Three guys to a hole so that meant you cold get four hours of sleep before pulling another watch for two hours.

It was dark and everyone had just settled down when there came this sound from in front of us. Best I can describe it is like a very large thing walking through a big pile of leaves. Scrunch scrunch scrunch. It sounded like it was coming right at us. we all came up ready to fire and watching the area. Going through my mind is the thought maybe its a tank or a large group of people. Others had the same thoughts. We even thought about it being an elephant.

So there's movement in front and out of the dark come running figures screaming "Merry Christmas Mother Fuckers" and dashing between our holes. We counted them. One two three four and opened up with everything we had. Claymores, M-79's M-60's and M16's. Flares were set off and you could watch the jungle exploding.

Finally we stopped firing and just looked. The captain was behind us wanting to know what the hell was going on. He was new and only been in country a short time. As someone was trying to tell him what was going on we heard it again. Scrunch scrunch srunch coming closer. So we opened up again with everything we had. The captain went nuts trying to get us to cease fire. when we did. It happened again. Again a barrage of fire. I personally emptied at least 6 magazines.

The last time we stopped it was quiet for a while then the scrunching started again but it was moving away. At least one big tree fell down, whether from us or what was making the noise I don't know.

Nothing else happened the rest of the night and in the morning we found nothing but torn up jungle. The four guys in the listening post had run back in, but had left there weapons in their haste to get out of there so they had to go back out after the shooting was over unarmed until they retrieved their weapons. The captain was pissed and we never found out what made the noise. A wild animal would have been killed or run away from there. Even an elephant would have been spooked at the least. This was like it was just strolling through the jungle.

[Classact]

Here's one that more funny-weird than just funny.

It was in July I know that much. Where we were at that time is anybodies guess. We had set up a company perimeter for the night. There were four guys on a listening post in front of our position. The password for them if they had to run back in was Merry Christmas.

We all set up in our foxholes and divided up the watch for the night. Three guys to a hole so that meant you cold get four hours of sleep before pulling another watch for two hours.

It was dark and everyone had just settled down when there came this sound from in front of us. Best I can describe it is like a very large thing walking through a big pile of leaves. Scrunch scrunch scrunch. It sounded like it was coming right at us. we all came up ready to fire and watching the area. Going through my mind is the thought maybe its a tank or a large group of people. Others had the same thoughts. We even thought about it being an elephant.

So there's movement in front and out of the dark come running figures screaming "Merry Christmas Mother Fuckers" and dashing between our holes. We counted them. One two three four and opened up with everything we had. Claymores, M-79's M-60's and M16's. Flares were set off and you could watch the jungle exploding.

Finally we stopped firing and just looked. The captain was behind us wanting to know what the hell was going on. He was new and only been in country a short time. As someone was trying to tell him what was going on we heard it again. Scrunch scrunch srunch coming closer. So we opened up again with everything we had. The captain went nuts trying to get us to cease fire. when we did. It happened again. Again a barrage of fire. I personally emptied at least 6 magazines.

The last time we stopped it was quiet for a while then the scrunching started again but it was moving away. At least one big tree fell down, whether from us or what was making the noise I don't know.

Nothing else happened the rest of the night and in the morning we found nothing but torn up jungle. The four guys in the listening post had run back in, but had left there weapons in their haste to get out of there so they had to go back out after the shooting was over unarmed until they retrieved their weapons. The captain was pissed and we never found out what made the noise. A wild animal would have been killed or run away from there. Even an elephant would have been spooked at the least. This was like it was just strolling through the jungle.I worked a lot of 12 hour shifts with MP's that went 11B in Vietnam and some that did LRRP and they would talk about the patrols and the perplexing decisions they had to make dealing with enemies when their orders were no como, take no prisoners and so on... a lot of stories about point man and ambushes... everyone got quiet after the Mi Ley incident...

We started jumping Huey's in 69 and the downdraft was a reason to add two seconds before you checked to see if you had a parachute above your head. The drop was conducted with forward movement so the downdraft was removed within seconds. The most interesting jumps were tailgating C-141 (4 engine jets for non military) and C-5A tailgates... A C-5A is about two stories high inside and has a cabin in the attic that holds maybe 130 people... when you tailgate jump either jet you can see the folks in front of you being sucked out... the deployment packs are spinning right in front of you as you reach the tailgate... before you get to the end of the tailgate the wind lifts you out and you immediately are swept on a horizontal plane on your back by the force of the resistance of the static line. A side door exit from a C-141, nicknamed the widow maker is more scary, the plane can only slow to about 140 MPH so they have this two inch thick aluminum shield with holes in it that is forced out in front of the door to break the wind... as this sucker cranks out it becomes a whistle about half way and makes a scream you will never forget... If you jump too far your risers are spun so much that you can't raise your head to check to see if you have a chute over you until you un-spin it. When we went to Jump school they were still using the C-119's known as flying boxcars, a short body with twin tails... I think they used them in Vietnam for gunships?

[Classact]

When I was single and 19 I was assigned to B Co. 728th MP Bn. in Korea. My Platoon Sergeant was a black guy from Georgia and had been in Korea for quite a while.

For those not familiar with Korea in the 1960's there were GI villages at the edge of the installation with US Government inspected Korean Women's Business Association escort services to take care of the needs of rusty back-loads.

Well Sergeant Smith was nearing his time to return to the "world" and had parked himself on the base and had visited the clinic for a circumcision. Sergeant Smith's reputation with the women was well known in the platoon and we all knew he was in a special way... it was an all male barracks and Sergeant Smith had a room at the end of the barracks and the rest of us lower enlisted lived in the bay area on WWII 2 inch mattresses evenly spaced down the bay. He would exit his room moaning with his tool, bandaged like a foot long mummy hanging out of his army issue white boxers... So being thoughtful as young troops are we went to the vill and purchased us a couple of hot little escorts and hid them outside until he went to the bathroom... then we told them they were a birthday present and they were to get nude and await our Sergeant's return... He returned and we held his door closed for about five minutes of him screaming and talking broken Korean with the girls as he cursed us out... We finally ran like hell leaving him with the girls to deal with. It was hilarious!

[Classact]

For no fucking reason my black private friend and me were reassigned to the middle of nowhere at a place near the entrance to hell down at the end of a long smelly road about two weeks later. The local folks there were stuck in the forth century or there abouts... but considering it was an ammo depot just filled to the brim with brain surgeons and our six man MP Detachment was responsible for all law and order we made do. Hey there were escort services there too even though the huts were made of sun dried clay walls with rice straw thatched roofs and the beds were foam mats on linoleum floors with wallpaper of latest edition of newspaper... the beer was cold and the women were hot.

To make a long story long I became interested in the Korean Women's Business Association "escort manager" responsible for the ladies having their cards up to date, she was not a working girl if you catch my drift. After a couple weeks of trying we finally ended up in her hooch. Just a note to bring a little intrigue into the mix... at that time there was a Korean wide curfew from midnight to 4:00 AM so the Korean police could catch North Korean spies... You could be shot on sight for walking the street from midnight to four... Anyway, finally I'm all comfy and ready to try out my night moves and this crazy bitch tells me, ol Korean custom, no sex first night of honeymoon... of course I wasn't buying that crap and tried for a submission to passion move... the woman pulls out a foot long knife and stabs the mattress between us and says quietly, tomorrow night........ I decided to take my chances with the Korean National Police and dressed and left as she complained she will lose face with the girls... I"m like you are crazy bitch and I could care less... I made it back to my cot on the compound alive...

The following weeks were pure hell because we worked two man MP detail closing the bars at 11:45 for the curfew... no one told me the bitch was a black belt in Tae Qwan Do and she would seek me out and bury her little fist just under my ribs and try to touch my backbone... Damn, it's hard to convince knuckle dragging brain surgeons it's time to drink up and leave with tears in your eyes!

[Classact]

So I begged the other five guys to allow me to work day shift for a few day... This meant I had to drive to the company, about 30 miles each way to pick up the detachments mail... We really had 12 MP's but half were Korean soldiers and they didn't do bar closings but worked on the gates... any way I take this Korean soldier called a KATUSA with me on the mail run... on day one I notice these Korean kids poking a stick at an old Hatautmagi, an elder wearing typical elder dress, on the side of the highway... on the return trip the kids were still fucking with the guy so I stopped to see what was their problem... the guy was deader than a doorknob and the KAUTSA MP and I chased the kids away... The Korean MP said the family will probably come and find him so we went back to base.

The next day the same thing, only the dead guy was swelling up and had bugs crawling in his nose, mouth and ears... so we chased the kids away and I insisted we report the guy to the Korean Police, which we did. The guy at the police desk says we'll take care of it. Yet, on the way back the kids and the stiff were still there and we chased them off again. The next day the same thing and we went back to the police station and the same guy was there and I prodded my Korean MP to ask why nothing was done... the Korean policeman said, "we think the family wants to save money for the burial and thinks that if they leave the stiff there the government will bury him and they will save money so the police insisted they will wait to see if the family claims the body.

The next day the stiff was still there and so were the kids and I was totally disgusted and we went back to the police station and I got belligerent with the policeman, the same guy and he brushed me off. On the return trip the stiff was gone and the kids said the family came and got him.

[Classact]

Need some help from the veterans here, running out of interesting stories and I know they are out there. Think of it some people go through their entire life and never leave their home country, you can never make them see it, smell it and place it in time but it can be fun trying.

While the Katusa went to the police station in Pyongteck to report the stiff I couldn't help but notice the movie theater across the street. Let me stray off here for a moment to make a time line... In South Korea in 68-69 maybe 2% of the households had TV's and perhaps 1% had a refrigerator. No one had a car but the mayor or possibly the police chief of a larger city. Everyone used mass transportation, the masses used bicycles, mini buses, buses and taxi's. Much of the local cargo was transported on cargo bicycles with stacks perhaps ten feet high over the back tire. There was one factory that assembled Shin Jin cars from parts near Seoul for use as taxi's. The electricity dimmed in the evening and if you owned a TV or refrigerator you needed to own your own transformer, it had a rheostat dial on it and as more people turned on lights you had to crank up your voltage.

Where was I, oh, the theater by the police station... lots of folks went to the movies because it was about the only entertainment and all the marques were hand painted and usually two stories high with very bright colors. They showed a lot of American and Chinese films with subtitles... but it was the middle of the day and I see all of these young men going into the theater and I ask the KUTUSA soldier about it and we agreed to explore...

When we entered there were maybe 200 19 year old men inside and there was a man on the platform below the screen... he would babble for a while and then a portion of an American movie would play... then the instructor on the stage would give a command and the movie would stop... he would babble some more and then the movie would start again and then at a certain point he would hold up a sign and everyone would clap, say ooh or ah! I asked the KUTUSA solider with confusion what was going on and he just smiled and said guess? We stayed there another half hour and I couldn't figure it out so he finally explained it to me... And his explanation made me laugh out loud and change my viewing habits of TV ever since... He explained these young dudes were all engineer students on their way to the US to attend universities... I'm like why, you guys don't make anything here... he says President Park has a plan... and I laughed out loud... and asked about the sign and why everyone would clap, say ooh or ah! The KATUSA explained that Korean people were not brainwashed like American people and he is teaching them the brainwashing so they will fit in in America... I was like, brainwashing? He said I'll show you tonight in the recreation room when we watch American TV programs... So that evening he showed me as we watched a show, there were laughter, ohs and ahs in the background of the show to encourage you to agree with the majority... if the background said it deserves a laugh you are in a minority if you don't laugh... the same if it is an Oh or Ah... Then he explained that in the East and even in Europe shows they don't have the background brainwashing and as a result Korean people just sit and watch a movie without a change of expression unless they find it exceptionally funny or frightening to cause a natural response... but for the most case they remain totally quiet and simply watch as if reading a book... that's why they need indoctrinated, he explained... so they don't look dumb in America for just sitting there when they should clap, say oh or ah. Now, think about this when you view shows with background claps, say oh's or ah's and consider how it places you into a minority if you don't agree... when two girls kiss or a gay situation and many more these tools are used to place you in a minority of the shows directors view of how you should receive these acts... From that point forward I stopped watching shows that had background majorities... CNN and Fox used to have them on news shows and I changed the Chanel because I though I was being brainwashed by being in the minority of my view or not allowed to decide by myself.

[Classact]

One more installment... Please chime in with a story or tell me to stop if I'm annoying.

I had a very busy 13 months in that Korea assignment... My NCOIC (boss) liked to play poker and he owed me some money... he was getting short and I knew he wouldn't pay up so I wanted to get away from the Tae Quon Do bitch so I asked him to see if I could return to the main company or to another assignment... I had four months remaining... He was tight with the First Sergeant so he got me a plush assignment in the city of Daejeon, a large city far from the company headquarters. At that time it was so far away because of the highway situation it took eight hours to go there... we got paid by cash back then once a month and the company pay office would meet us half way... well, you know what that means, right? No one is ever going to check on us... It was a small three man (US) with an NCOIC along with three or four KATUSA's to work the gates... we did traffic accident investigations in a very large region of the south of Korea involving US tactical vehicles.

There was a long lines Como unit there at the small base inside the city that operated a Como site on a nearby mountain... Here is a link that show a lot of pics of their operations... two or three pages in you will see the quiescent huts exactly as I had left in my prior two assignments... http://www.paulnoll.com/Korea/8th-Sig/Richmond-1969-12.html Anyway the base had maybe fifty soldiers from this unit, a US Air Force Advisory detachment and us MP's. The deal was the Stonestown Compound was an old State Department base and had two bedroom houses with fireplaces and the MP's and the AF guys got the houses... Talking uptown Saturday night... a house boy that kept the place clean and had coffee ready by the bed when I woke up with my uniform freshly starched and boots spit shined... $10.00 a month butler... The base was situated in the edge of a city of about one million at that time... there was a Korean Marine unit next to our base, the famed Iron-horse Division of the ROK Marines... they would wake us at 6:00AM as they went on their 5K run with sandbags strapped to their ankles... following their run they would play king of the mountain, a man made hill that all would compete to hold the top... this thing looked like a thirty foot high tee-pee shape, we are talking steep... these guys were in ass kicking shape!

Now that the scene is set to the funny story... the US AF detachment was a Colonel and three Captains and they were all SOFA exempt or equal to diplomats... they would send us to Camp Ames (a nuclear site in the mountains about 45 min drive away-see map) http://www.globalsecurity.org/military/facility/images/korea2.jpg to pick up Korean Womens Bisness Womens Association working girls and give us one each for transportation troubles... we were kind of like pimps... Anyway we were friends with the AF crew.

Anyway a report of a traffic accident report came in from the Korean police and the description was a blue American pickup truck with two drunk Captains... It seems these guys hit a drunk Korean Lieutenant from the Iron-horse Division and got out of their truck, spoke to the victim and then left him in the middle of the roadway and drove away. We knew instantly who it was... the AF Advisory dudes a couple houses down... Anyway we took our interpreter to the hospital to interview the victim and found out that the LT. was drunk on his butt when he was hit by the two Captains who were drunk on their butts... and he had a broken a leg and a couple ribs... he said he only wanted an apology from the Captains because the Korean army was paying for his hospital and he was happy because the reason he was drunk was he was to leave for Vietnam the next day. So we went back and spoke to the AF Colonel about his Captains and they agreed to go over to the hospital and apologize... I think they brought him a couple gallons of Jack Daniels too... and all was forgiven. End of episode...

[Classact]

Oh, I got tired of typing by the time I got to the funny part and forgot to explain that the two AF Captains were asked about the accident and they stated, yea we were coming back from the tourist hotel and this guy walked out in front of us and we slid stopped as we hit the guy, we got out and asked if he was OK and to us it sounded as though he said yea.

If anyone is reading these stories and would like more stories please indicate so... otherwise I will end this thread.

[Gaffer]

Oh, I got tired of typing by the time I got to the funny part and forgot to explain that the two AF Captains were asked about the accident and they stated, yea we were coming back from the tourist hotel and this guy walked out in front of us and we slid stopped as we hit the guy, we got out and asked if he was OK and to us it sounded as though he said yea.

If anyone is reading these stories and would like more stories please indicate so... otherwise I will end this thread.

I read them and have contributed so keep em coming. I'll try to add some more too. Just a couple of old war horses swapping stories here.

[Classact]

I read them and have contributed so keep em coming. I'll try to add some more too. Just a couple of old war horses swapping stories here.When I returned from Korea to the states I was once again assigned to the 82nd Abn. Div MP Co. and told this story to a guy I worked with just back from an 11B assignment in the Nam... He told me about the Korean Marines, my neighbors at Stonestown in action in Vietnam...

He said when his unit set up a base camp they set up 360 degree fields of fire but observed that the Korean Ironhorse units would move into a location and would capture a Cong or someone that smelled like one and they would cut off his genitalia and put it in his mouth and then hang him up outside of their base camp like garlic to a vampire using a rifle cleaning rod through the ears as a hanging point... Have you ever heard of these guys? The guy said the Iron-horse Marines would put out trip wires and not even man the perimeter and were not bothered.

[Gaffer]

When I returned from Korea to the states I was once again assigned to the 82nd Abn. Div MP Co. and told this story to a guy I worked with just back from an 11B assignment in the Nam... He told me about the Korean Marines, my neighbors at Stonestown in action in Vietnam...

He said when his unit set up a base camp they set up 360 degree fields of fire but observed that the Korean Ironhorse units would move into a location and would capture a Cong or someone that smelled like one and they would cut off his genitalia and put it in his mouth and then hang him up outside of their base camp like garlic to a vampire using a rifle cleaning rod through the ears as a hanging point... Have you ever heard of these guys? The guy said the Iron-horse Marines would put out trip wires and not even man the perimeter and were not bothered.

Yeah I even saw some of them practicing their martial arts. They looked like a tough bunch. When I got medivac back to Chu Lai to get my hand stitched up there were a couple of them on the operating table. Two surgeries going on at the same time. Don't remember much about them though, I was shot up with morphine and didn't see much more.

The ROK's had a fierce reputation though. There were Filipino's there as well, they were in Tay Nihn.

I was standing in line at a PX in Tay Nihn and I noticed this Aussie standing in front of me. He was about five foot tall but broad. Built like a gorilla. About twice as wide as I was. Then I look toward the guy in front of him and I was eye level with his belt line. He had a pistol belt looped through his belt loops. He is definitely the tallest man I have ever seen. And he too was very broad. Not the tall lanky type. A Mutt and Jeff pair if there ever was one. It was like looking at a giant and a dwarf.

[Classact]

The NCOIC of the Stonestown MP Detachment was an old, ready to retire Sergeant First Class, let's call him SFC Jones who had fought in the Korean War in the city where we were stationed. Our interpreter, Mr. Lee was also old in his sixties and fought in the war in the same area. The NCOIC didn't like Koreans and he and Mr. Lee were always fussing back and forth...

SFC Jones called a meeting and announces we are taking a day off today... He goes on to say I'm leaving a KUTUSA here to answer the phone and one on the gate and the rest of us are going swimming and going to burn some meat. Now he commands, pull the canvas off the M151A1's and hook up the trailers (we had three jeeps) go tell your moose's (your Korean girlfriends) to get their swim suits on then Zack take this money down to the PX and get some beer as he hands me a $20.00... (beer was $2.40 a case warm) then go over to Rations breakdown at the rail head and Smitty will load you up with T-bones, ribs, charcoal and ice. Put some shorts on and move out and be back here in an hour... the clocks running! Move out!

Two hours later we were in a convoy of three convertible jeeps, two with trailers with a cloud rolling over the side... Smitty only had dry ice to keep the stuff cold... SFC Jones was in the lead jeep with a moose in shotgun and Mr. Lee was in the back seat... SFC Jones's jeep had a federal system with PA and as we navigated the city (you had to be there to see us all in our cutoffs and whores to see how funny it looked) Jones would blare the siren at crosswalks and then get on the PA with volume at highest setting handing his beer to his moose screaming Nem ie shime peck pogie da and Kay sickia, about the only Korean he knew and Mr. Lee would be hitting him in the back of the head telling him, you are a very bad man! Nem ie shime peck pogie da and Kay sickia are the two worse insults in Korean culture... the first translates to mean "your mother has a hairless pussy" but is intended to be an insult on your family bloodline meaning "you are the result of a child molester raping a female child" and the other is "you are a dog baby"... finally we were out of the city to the relief of Mr. Lee.

Then suddenly we left the MSR after crossing a bridge and went into a rock river bed that snaked into the middle of no where... What a beautiful place and what a beautiful day he had chosen... the water was clear and rather cold but fine for cooling off in and there was a high cliff to do a little rock climbing... T-bones and ribs on the grill, cold beer in hands, girls and all were happy and having a great day... then at the same time SFC Jones and Mr. Lee both thought they were having war flashbacks as we all heard explosions going off and minutes later they would be closer and closer... Suddenly the girls came running out of the stream screaming yelling about muole goggie chugoso! translating there are hundreds of dead fish in the water... about that time the bombers rounded the bend in the river just a hundred meters away and we watched as they would put rocks in a piece of pipe, dip it in the water and cap it quickly and throw it... moments later the explosion and water flying forty feet into the air... followed by the men all entering the water to collect the largest of the fish. Mr. Lee was screaming for SFC Jones to go arrest the poachers and SFC Jones told him to fuck off and mind his own business... SFC Jones then screamed Nem ie shime peck pogie da and pulled his 45 Caliber and shot into the air... the poachers were out of sight in ten seconds... What a day! You just can't make this stuff up!

[Hagbard Celine]

Before my Grandpa became a helo pilot in the Korean War, he was stationed as an MP in Hawaii. He told me that one night him and a few of his MP buddies were charged with guarding a truck full of pineapples that had been retained by the army and were going to be used for something or other. He said him and his buddies gorged themselves on pineapple that night--said they ate almost half the truckload. To this day he still won't eat pineapple. He hates it.

[Classact]

Before my Grandpa became a helo pilot in the Korean War, he was stationed as an MP in Hawaii. He told me that one night him and a few of his MP buddies were charged with guarding a truck full of pineapples that had been retained by the army and were going to be used for something or other. He said him and his buddies gorged themselves on pineapple that night--said they ate almost half the truckload. To this day he still won't eat pineapple. He hates it.That's a great story! Thanks! When I moved to Puerto Rico I lived with my in-laws while I was building my house and my mother-in-law cured me from eating chicken the rest of my life... guess it is the island bird?

[Gaffer]

We were on a patrol of the road lead to Chu Lai. There was a bridge that crossed a river there with bunkers set up on each end of the bridge. It was a quiet day and there were people walking around us and kids playing down by the waters edge.

In the middle of the bridge we stopped and started tossing rocks off it. It was about 50 feet to the water. Well the tossing turned into a competition of who could throw the farthest. So I picked up a good sized rocked and gave it a heave. We watched it sail through the air and just before it hit the water a fish jumped and the rock hit it right on the head. We were staring in amazement as the kids along the shore went out and grabbed the fish. One of them ran up to us at the bridge with the fish in his hand and offered it to me with absolute awe in his eyes. The others gather around jabbering about it. I gave the fish to the boy to take home to eat. It was a good sized fish and you could see the dent in its head just above the eye. Those people probably still talk about the GI that could hit fish with rocks.

[Kathianne]

I don't know if it's ok that I post a story of my dad, gone now for a couple of months, but I'll brave it.

He was seriously injured in the 3rd or 4th wave at Omaha Beach in WWII. A medic wanted to amputate his hand, but my dad wouldn't let him. The medic stuck his arm into a bucket of sulfa and wished him well. He was evacuated back to Britain the next day. The hand wasn't the only injury. After lots of med care, truly superior, about 2 months later the following happened:

'There was this pilot, a real 'patriot', that couldn't wait to get back to flying. Sad for him, they wouldn't give him the 'ok' to do so, yet. We became friendly, though I thought him crazy, but that was true for most of the fliers.

One night we were both feeling grand, so we wanted to go to 'town.' Leaning against a building was a bicycle built for two. The flier was recovering from burns, my concern was the arm, which was probably a mistake since it was healing. The trip into town on the stolen bike wasn't a problem. On the way back, with our limit of beers far exceeded, was something else.

I had over a hundred stitches in various states of healing, in *ahem* my rear, back, and legs. My pilot friend, well he had serious burns over his legs, back, rear, and arms. We were feeling 'no pain,' while riding and falling off the bike.

When we returned the bike, worse for wear, we 'snuck' back into the infirmary, seems they were looking for us. The MP's followed the trail of blood. I'd opened every stitch and was bleeding like a stuck pig! While my crazy friend was not bleeding, seems the docs were truly concerned about infection and he came in covered with mud.

If we both weren't 'heroes' we'd have been in the brig. As it was the docs tended to us and upon healing we had to pull punishment time. Mine was much longer, as my 'friend' went back to flying.' He was killed before the war ended.

Back to myself, my dad so admired those that volunteered, though he was drafted and truly hated the Army. He always said that the craziest of the crazies were in the planes. As nutty as he thought the fliers from US, he had special words for Australian fliers, which made the US fliers look sane. ;)

[Gaffer]

Good story Kath. I think anybody that flew in those days had to be a little crazy.
My Dad was at Omaha too, but he went in on day two as his was an armored unit. He was a machine gunner on a half track.

My mother was in the Army Air Corp and was a jeep driver. She chaufered the officers around. The funny thing is she never got a drivers license and never drove again for the rest of her life.

[Classact]

Good story Kath. I think anybody that flew in those days had to be a little crazy.
My Dad was at Omaha too, but he went in on day two as his was an armored unit. He was a machine gunner on a half track.

My mother was in the Army Air Corp and was a jeep driver. She chaufered the officers around. The funny thing is she never got a drivers license and never drove again for the rest of her life.Great fish tail, pardon the pun! And, please everyone more WWII/Korean War/Vietnam War stories... I'm betting almost everyone has heard a funny WWII story, now lets share them!

[Classact]

Thinking back to the post on our day off at Stonestown Compound I thought about the bombs the guys were using and thought I'd bring up a related story. I asked the interpreter how did these guys make pipe bombs and he explained that they used small rocks mined locally... these rocks have a gas stored inside and it is released when it gets wet... the rocks are carbide and everyone from coal mining areas knows that carbide lanterns were used in mining for years but were a safety hazard. So, the guys had a six or eight inch piece of pipe capped on one end... add rocks and a little water and cap and throw quickly... boom!

Well, a couple years later I was back in Korea and on this trip I had brought with me my Korean wife and we bought a brand new Subaru sedan... I was big into fishing and often went with five fishing buddies down dirt roads and as a result drug off my muffler. So one of the Korean guys points me in the direction of a welder to cut the old pipe off and weld the muffler back on. It was then I noticed the guy was cutting the exhaust pipe off but only had one bottle of gas, the oxygen and then I traced the other hose to a 55 gallon drum that was 3/4 full of water. Floating in the drum was a 35 gallon drum upside down and I would notice the smaller drum would go higher and higher when the guy wasn't welding and then would go down when he was welding. I was totally puzzled and asked my local friend what the hell was this thing and he said it is gas machine and explained how it worked... inside to the top of the small drum was carbide rocks secured in a wire mesh basket and when the rocks would touch the water they would produce gas and the hose was hooked up to the top of the small drum to mix with the oxygen to cut the steel... this system worked great and he welded up my exhaust with a half dozen coat hangers and the total repair job was about three dollars.

[Classact]

This is on the verge of, no it is just disgusting! The absolutely weirdest thing I ever did as a MP patrolman. While in my second assignment at the ammo depot I mentioned earlier that had the knuckle dragging brain surgeons... The desk sergeant received a phone call that there was a train going down in the Chapel...

Upon arrival at the Chapel my partner and I found 11 men of which one was busy on a Korean prostitute who was bent over the alter... they were all drunk on their butts but I'll not excuse them... Now I know this isn't funny but about three days later we were called by the Charge of Quarters of the Ammo Humpers company that they thought maybe one of the subjects might be dead. It seems the cars 3 through 11 all got the clap and number 3 almost got killed by numbers 4 through 11.

The next closest stupid thing I handled was a report of incident at Fort Bragg when a call came in from the hospital ... it seemed a soldier had a bright idea and stuck a 100W light bulb up his butt and got scared.

[Classact]

In 1980-83 I was stationed in Germany in Bavaria. In the last six months I was assigned to a detachment in a college city named Bayreuth. The are is beautiful and many small towns all around the area are mixed amongst the farms and forests... these towns seem to be built around churches but no one goes to church... everyone are secular progressives even though they celebrate Christmas and even have nativity scenes.

The towns and cities built around the churches have turned the smaller churches into bed and breakfast operations and the older 700 year old churches remain as tourist sites. The people are just secular progressives.

The reason I bring this up is to explain how the removal of Christian values affects the story. I had gone through a divorce and was dating local girls in Germany and found it ironic that they didn't associate their bodies with sexuality... no matter how hot they were they simply didn't get it that American men always took copious notes when they wore a blouse with no bra or measured their legs as they crossed and uncrossed their legs... I didn't get it and they didn't get it. In the coldest part of winter this one girl invited me to the public indoor swimming pool and made a point to tell me to bring a swimming hat... a rule to keep the hair out of the pool filters... So I bought a swimming cap and off we went to the public pool... there is where it starts to become interesting... she says follow me and we proceed into the dressing room and the room is full of men and women nude or semi nude getting ready to swim or sauna and I'm like not quite ready for this without warning... she looks at me and says, what? And, I explain things are a little different in the states... oh, don't be silly... so I stare a lot at my locker as we disrobe and she has the idea to first go to the sauna and tell me to stay nude and grab a towel... now this girl I went with was hot but two other women in the sauna were scorching hot... everyone was sitting on their towel and I had mine over my lap making a tent as I tried to think of everything but what surrounded me...

Later that day my friend told me that her mother had invited us to dinner... and after dinner we were sitting with her mother and sister and mom says, oh let me show you our photo album... about two minutes later I was surrounded by the ladies point to the pictures of their recent trip to Spain and as the page flipped they were on the beach wearing bright smiles and nothing else, mom, sis and my girlfriend... my mouth fell open as I noticed another fabulous girl and asked sheepishly who is this? It was my girlfriends girlfriend... duh! Note to self, if this doesn't work out remember Mercedes.

Later in the dead heat of summer I decided to go to the public outdoor swimming pool to get some tan and swim... It was walking distance so I put trunks on under my shorts and packed a paperback and towel... as I selected me a nice spot on the grass I laid out my towel and removed my shorts/T-shirt and put them in the bag and soaked in the sun. Then the girl from Ipanema slowly makes her way towards me and I said ah! Then she stopped about ten feet in front of me and unbuttoned her long sleeve shirt, and neatly folded it and put it in her bag... then she removed her bra and repeated... and then the jeans and the panties at which time she turned and strait leggededly neatly placed the folded items in her bag as her sweet spot winked at me... Then she put on her bikini bottom and top and laid down... moments later she removed the top once again. I composed myself and about twenty minutes later went to her and offered to put sun tan lotion on her... and she smiled and says thanks and started a conversation as if we had met in church. I love Bavaria!

[Classact]

While stationed with the 118th MP Co., XVIIIth Airborne Corps there was a funny story about MP's busted for doing drugs on duty. It seems that someone called in a complaint about a stopped MP sedan that had backed up traffic near the Corps Headquarters... the Patrol Supervisor was dispatched to see what happened and found out that the Patrol car was at an intersection and everyone behind the patrol car was afraid to pass it. When the Patrol Supervisor asked the driver what was wrong he answered, I'm waiting for it to turn green Sarge! It was a STOP sign!