Good marriage advice: Go to bed angry

[darin]

Thought-provoking.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6TFFy3DFTM

[Noir]

I have a few issues with what he said, but to focus specifically on the thread title of ‘Go to bed angry’ I would strongly disagree.

Whether in a marriage or not, endeavour to never let anger take more than the minimum amount of your time possible. This is most readily achieved by observing the anger, and witnessing how quickly if fades to nothing when you are not feeding it.

It takes some practice, though not much, and an acceptance of personal responsibility, but allowing for that one should never go to bed angry.

[Abbey Marie]

I’m of two minds with this.

One is that by going to bed angry, it is unhealthy to let your body spend that many hours in an angry state. I believe that even if you can fall asleep in such an emotional state, it can’t be good for you physically.

The other is that fighting viciously all night and potentially saying terrible things you cannot take back no matter how much you want to, is even worse.

If you can work it out fairly quickly and without irreparably hurting your spouse, then maybe you weren’t all that angry in the first place?

Then there’s that wonderful make-up sex. ;)

[STTAB]

Nothing at all wrong with the occasional angry fuck, but I mean who the fuck wants to be married to someone that is mad enough at them that they can't get over that shit in one day, or be that person who is so angry that they can't get over shit

Married 15 years now , never slept apart when we were both home, nor went to sleep stewing mad at the other, that isn't healthy.

[Abbey Marie]

Now that I am older and hopefully wiser, I’ve realized that cliche’d as it sounds, life truly is too short to spend it arguing with your spouse (or anyone for that matter) over stupid stuff. Which when you really look at it, most of it is.

[icansayit]

Last month....March 21st, to be exact. My lady and I celebrated our "50TH". And, I can honestly say. WE HAVE NEVER GONE TO BED ANGRY.
It was a PACT we made with each other....back in 1969, based on the advice of both my wife's parents, and mine. All of whom enjoyed, long, happy marriages.

Of course...this guy telling us something else....Has little knowledge, or experience talking about something HE says is wrong.
SO. I HAPPILY CALL....https://harlantenenbaum.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/no-bs.jpg


Abbey.....as for the MAKE UP Sex. NEVER FAILED. MAGA!

[icansayit]

Noticed he never mentioned the Vowels taken at a Christian, or Other Religious marriage. Two people swear to Love, Honor, Cherish, and even obey (not pc today).

He also never mentioned how Love, Honesty, Respect, Personal Responsibility, Faith, and Dedication to ONE-ANOTHER plays such a large part in the DESIRE....To NEVER go to bed angry at one-another.

I can only guess. He has little, if any respect for his wife (if he's married)...and Probably ALWAYS goes to bed angry at her because she IS SMARTER, MORE DEDICATED, AND PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE than he will ever be.

SO....I SAY AGAIN....TOTAL. And...ABSOLUTE "BS" ON HIM!

[darin]

Noticed he never mentioned the Vowels taken at a Christian, or Other Religious marriage. Two people swear to Love, Honor, Cherish, and even obey (not pc today).

He also never mentioned how Love, Honesty, Respect, Personal Responsibility, Faith, and Dedication to ONE-ANOTHER plays such a large part in the DESIRE....To NEVER go to bed angry at one-another.

I can only guess. He has little, if any respect for his wife (if he's married)...and Probably ALWAYS goes to bed angry at her because she IS SMARTER, MORE DEDICATED, AND PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE than he will ever be.

SO....I SAY AGAIN....TOTAL. And...ABSOLUTE "BS" ON HIM!

What you just wrote in response to that video is "one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

So you absolutely missed 100% of the guy's point. In fact I am completely shocked at how backwards you read what the guy is saying.

The guy says, for folks who are having trouble,

"Go ahead and go to bed angry, and rest-certain in the fact your marriage is never in question." He's saying "If you are arguing and in conflict until the wee hours...just STOP. Go to bed. Tomorrow you will be married still. Take heart in the fact that some conflicts do not need to be solved. The marriage is stronger."

It's like i'm in bizarro world right now reading some of these replies. It's like some of you are the BBC reporter vs Jordan Peterson.

https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2018/01/20/15/485A639E00000578-0-image-a-7_1516461498126.jpg

[darin]

how can you guys miss this?

"Do everything you can to not go to bed angry. But in the final analysis - because sometimes when you try to navigate life with another human being, who is in every way different than you, where you cant even agree on the things you think you agree about, because you're actually using the same words to mean different things and you won't figure it out for 10 more years...when you're in that situation, you do occasionally come to moments when you simply can not resolve in the moment. And you sit in that moment of complete desperation and you do not know how to you reconcile yourself with your spouse and the best thing you can in that moment is, go to bed. Go to bed literally. Because you will wake up in the morning and you will still be married. The beauty of marriage is that marriage is. You dont have to create marriage on a daily basis. Marriage will carry you through these problems if you lean on it as an institution given to you by God."

Are we actually listening to things - moving beyond the headlines and actually talking about things? Do words even matter?? God people....

[Noir]

how can you guys miss this?

Are we actually listening to things - moving beyond the headlines and actually talking about things? Do words even matter?? God people....

Can’t speak for others, but I listened through the video more than once, and found the message to be unsatisfactory, and rooted in ego. The implication that sustained anger towards a loved one is anything other than a failure of yourself sets a poor baseline, and it’s all downhill from there.

[Drummond]

Interesting advice in that video. Personally, I think it's stupid .. no marriage should involve a partnership where both take their marriage for granted, as the advice seems to imply. Marriages need work, need maintenance.

All I can say is that Brexit must be making some extremely stable marriages, here in Blighty ....:rolleyes:

[darin]

Can’t speak for others, but I listened through the video more than once, and found the message to be unsatisfactory, and rooted in ego. The implication that sustained anger towards a loved one is anything other than a failure of yourself sets a poor baseline, and it’s all downhill from there.

I would be interested in what part specifically you found rooted in ego? Was it the part where he encouraged couples to work hard to solve an issue...but if it becomes beating a dead horse, simply lean INTO the marriage; where he encouraged couples to get to a point where, if nothing else, rest-well knowing the marriage is the rock; its the unchanging anchor.

I think you finding implied 'sustained anger' means you didn't really listen, or are stupid. But I don't think you're stupid. Because there is clearly NO implication of sustained anger. In fact, he doesn't even MENTION anger. Not in the least. He made no insinuation to treat the other partner rudely, or to hold grudges. In fact, I think even a 10 year old would understand the guy is saying Cleave to the partner. That's the opposite of ego. That's the opposite of anger.

[darin]

Interesting advice in that video. Personally, I think it's stupid .. no marriage should involve a partnership where both take their marriage for granted, as the advice seems to imply. Marriages need work, need maintenance.

Taking the commitment as a GIVEN is not taking it for Granted. The entire point is when all else fails, the couple lean on eachother, knowing the commitment is sound, stable. To remember the other person is different and it takes years to solve some issues. I think the entire point of marriage is to make life better, easier...and when in conflict, knowing the marriage is not in question can de-escalate tensions.


I think what is happening in this thread is people are so caught up in 'everything they've been told' they resist insights. It's like the - what I think is terrible advice - advice to 'Marry your best friend!' - or specifically "start as friends first..." I think those things can bring doom to a marriage. People's first reaction is to attack the concept, then continue to fail to consider the ideas because it sounds counter to what they've been fed.

[Noir]

I would be interested in what part specifically you found rooted in ego? Was it the part where he encouraged couples to work hard to solve an issue...but if it becomes beating a dead horse, simply lean INTO the marriage; where he encouraged couples to get to a point where, if nothing else, rest-well knowing the marriage is the rock; its the unchanging anchor.

I think leaving an argument with ‘I’m not going to talk to you anymore, I’m going to bed and when I wake up we’ll still be married’ is very specifically rooted in and egotistic mindset.


I think you finding implied 'sustained anger' means you didn't really listen, or are stupid. But I don't think you're stupid. Because there is clearly NO implication of sustained anger. In fact, he doesn't even MENTION anger. Not in the least. He made no insinuation to treat the other partner rudely, or to hold grudges. In fact, I think even a 10 year old would understand the guy is saying Cleave to the partner. That's the opposite of ego. That's the opposite of anger.

...I mean, because I did listen I heard him say “go to bed angry.”

You even put the word “angry” in the topic title because it was what he said :/

[darin]

I think leaving an argument with ‘I’m not going to talk to you anymore, I’m going to bed and when I wake up we’ll still be married’ is very specifically rooted in and egotistic mindset.

Who would suggest doing that? Can you explain how "I love you, we are not solving this tonite. Let's get some sleep despite not solving the problem" is rooted in anything but love and commitment?




...I mean, because I did listen I heard him say “go to bed angry.”

You even put the word “angry” in the topic title because it was what he said :/

But using the word for the title is less important than the point he was making. He says essentially "Go to be angry" then clearly describes going to be without resolution. To not be afraid to stop arguing if its not helping anything. Comprehension helps a ton.

[Noir]

Who would suggest doing that? Can you explain how "I love you, we are not solving this tonite. Let's get some sleep despite not solving the problem" is rooted in anything but love and commitment?

But using the word for the title is less important than the point he was making. He says essentially "Go to be angry" then clearly describes going to be without resolution. To not be afraid to stop arguing if its not helping anything. Comprehension helps a ton.

So when he says “go to bed angry” he doesn’t mean “go to bed angry”...I can see why his wife goes to bed angry.

[High_Plains_Drifter]

I virtually never go to bed angry. I can't remember that last time I did, or if I ever did. I always wake up in a good mood too.

Far as I'm concerned, life is good.

Time to go vote...

[STTAB]

I went to bed angry with my wife twice last night. Made sure she knew what was what.

[icansayit]

What you just wrote in response to that video is "one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

So you absolutely missed 100% of the guy's point. In fact I am completely shocked at how backwards you read what the guy is saying.

The guy says, for folks who are having trouble,

"Go ahead and go to bed angry, and rest-certain in the fact your marriage is never in question." He's saying "If you are arguing and in conflict until the wee hours...just STOP. Go to bed. Tomorrow you will be married still. Take heart in the fact that some conflicts do not need to be solved. The marriage is stronger."

It's like i'm in bizarro world right now reading some of these replies. It's like some of you are the BBC reporter vs Jordan Peterson.

https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2018/01/20/15/485A639E00000578-0-image-a-7_1516461498126.jpg




My wife and I have enjoyed many, many years of being insanely idiotic. In fact...that's what has kept us together so long. SMILE. MAGA....
Opinions are like a$$holes....since, everybody has one. And some even talk from it.:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

[darin]

So when he says “go to bed angry” he doesn’t mean “go to bed angry”...I can see why his wife goes to bed angry.


You are being stupid.

"My advice, go to bed angry! - But what i mean by that is there are times when you're at an impasse - you both should consider just stopping. Stopping the argument. Go to bed with it unsolved knowing the Marriage is solid. Lean into the marriage commitment because it can sustain you when stressed."

That message has to be clear to adult readers. and that message is perfect.

[Noir]

You are being stupid.

"My advice, go to bed angry! - But what i mean by that is there are times when you're at an impasse - you both should consider just stopping. Stopping the argument. Go to bed with it unsolved knowing the Marriage is solid. Lean into the marriage commitment because it can sustain you when stressed."

That message has to be clear to adult readers. and that message is perfect.

Then you may leave me to my stupidity, and can yourself enjoy whatever nights you go to bed angry because of this //perfect message// when I will not.

[darin]

Then you may leave me to my stupidity, and can yourself enjoy whatever nights you go to bed angry because of this //perfect message// when I will not.

Sure - means you don't like good things. That's fine. Wisdom escapes you. But just know it's a choice.

[High_Plains_Drifter]

Course I wouldn't know but, I can imagine that if I spent virtually all my time around someone, the same person, then I don't see how it's even possible that there would never be a fight. I don't see how fighting with that person would ever be a good thing either. I don't think it's good for someone to retain anger, ever. I go to bed in a good mood, I get up in a good mood, I have zero stress in my life, and I see that as a good thing.

I have a kind of girlfriend. We don't even really consider ourselves a "thing." We've known each other for a long time. I even dated her younger sister. We enjoy getting together when we do with zero commitment. We both roll with that. But there can be little tidbits here and there that can cause a little irritation, but we get past it. I imagine that if she ever was a move in, full time, full commitment relationship person, I'd probably get sick of her being around and we'd have a fight over, "I need my space."

IDK... I think most people want to be with someone. My son once even told me that he was AFRAID to "be alone." That doesn't even compute in my head. I prefer to be alone. When he didn't have a girlfriend, he'd hunt one down with almost rabid zeal. Personally, I thought it was pathetic. But, most guys want/need to have a girlfriend/wife, girls want the boyfriend/husband. I think it's a security thing, someone to have your back, someone to always be there, to share your life with, blah, blah, blah, but with that there comes the fights. Most married people I've ever known in my life bitch more about their spouse than anything else, and when I hear a married friend say something like, "well I better ask the wife if I can do that," or something to that effect, they can't do anything without "asking the wife," I think to myself... Jesus Christ, what is she, your MOTHER?" You don't even have the leeway or freedom as a grown man to make up your own mind?

I guess you can tell by this post that yes, I'm a died in the wool loner, a bachelor, and I do like it this way. Maybe it would be nice to have a little tighter relationship with a woman than what I have with Heather, but, that would never include her MOVING IN. I've lived alone for 32 years now. No one is invading my space at this point. This is normal for me. I couldn't handle it.

[icansayit]

Course I wouldn't know but, I can imagine that if I spent virtually all my time around someone, the same person, then I don't see how it's even possible that there would never be a fight. I don't see how fighting with that person would ever be a good thing either. I don't think it's good for someone to retain anger, ever. I go to bed in a good mood, I get up in a good mood, I have zero stress in my life, and I see that as a good thing.

I have a kind of girlfriend. We don't even really consider ourselves a "thing." We've known each other for a long time. I even dated her younger sister. We enjoy getting together when we do with zero commitment. We both roll with that. But there can be little tidbits here and there that can cause a little irritation, but we get past it. I imagine that if she ever was a move in, full time, full commitment relationship person, I'd probably get sick of her being around and we'd have a fight over, "I need my space."

IDK... I think most people want to be with someone. My son once even told me that he was AFRAID to "be alone." That doesn't even compute in my head. I prefer to be alone. When he didn't have a girlfriend, he'd hunt one down with almost rabid zeal. Personally, I thought it was pathetic. But, most guys want/need to have a girlfriend/wife, girls want the boyfriend/husband. I think it's a security thing, someone to have your back, someone to always be there, to share your life with, blah, blah, blah, but with that there comes the fights. Most married people I've ever known in my life bitch more about their spouse than anything else, and when I hear a married friend say something like, "well I better ask the wife if I can do that," or something to that effect, they can't do anything without "asking the wife," I think to myself... Jesus Christ, what is she, your MOTHER?" You don't even have the leeway or freedom as a grown man to make up your own mind?

I guess you can tell by this post that yes, I'm a died in the wool loner, a bachelor, and I do like it this way. Maybe it would be nice to have a little tighter relationship with a woman than what I have with Heather, but, that would never include her MOVING IN. I've lived alone for 32 years now. No one is invading my space at this point. This is normal for me. I couldn't handle it.

TAKE NOTE. If you read any of my post about this subject. I NEVER SAID anything about Not Having an Argument, or Disagreement during our 50 years. But, we did make a private OATH to each other...NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY.
Any couple, married, or living together...and I do mean ANY. Will be lying to you if they say.."WE ALWAYS GET ALONG, and NEVER ARGUE".
That's simple NOT, and NEVER WILL BE, Human Nature.
examples...tooth paste, putting the seat up, or down, toilet paper on the wrong way, spending too much money, charging stuff on credit when you have the cash....simple things like that.
And, we also learned...Respect each other by DEALING WITH THE PROBLEMS.....Right away. Don't store them up into a long list....then....One Nite....let loose with all of the complaints...MONEY, SECRETS, and LYING....ARE the THREE biggest causes of marriages breaking up.

STAY SINGLE....or, if you get married. THE PARTNERSHIP SHOULD BE AS AGREED WHEN TAKING THE VOWELS.

Just my opinion of course. Who am I to tell anyone what to do????:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

[darin]

TAKE NOTE. If you read any of my post about this subject. I NEVER SAID anything about Not Having an Argument, or Disagreement during our 50 years. But, we did make a private OATH to each other...NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY.
Any couple, married, or living together...and I do mean ANY. Will be lying to you if they say.."WE ALWAYS GET ALONG, and NEVER ARGUE".
That's simple NOT, and NEVER WILL BE, Human Nature.
examples...tooth paste, putting the seat up, or down, toilet paper on the wrong way, spending too much money, charging stuff on credit when you have the cash....simple things like that.
And, we also learned...Respect each other by DEALING WITH THE PROBLEMS.....Right away. Don't store them up into a long list....then....One Nite....let loose with all of the complaints...MONEY, SECRETS, and LYING....ARE the THREE biggest causes of marriages breaking up.

STAY SINGLE....or, if you get married. THE PARTNERSHIP SHOULD BE AS AGREED WHEN TAKING THE VOWELS.

Just my opinion of course. Who am I to tell anyone what to do????:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:


You're really struggling with the basic concept of this thread. You're virtue signaling more than anything

[High_Plains_Drifter]

TAKE NOTE. If you read any of my post about this subject. I NEVER SAID anything about Not Having an Argument, or Disagreement during our 50 years. But, we did make a private OATH to each other...NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY.
Any couple, married, or living together...and I do mean ANY. Will be lying to you if they say.."WE ALWAYS GET ALONG, and NEVER ARGUE".
That's simple NOT, and NEVER WILL BE, Human Nature.
examples...tooth paste, putting the seat up, or down, toilet paper on the wrong way, spending too much money, charging stuff on credit when you have the cash....simple things like that.
And, we also learned...Respect each other by DEALING WITH THE PROBLEMS.....Right away. Don't store them up into a long list....then....One Nite....let loose with all of the complaints...MONEY, SECRETS, and LYING....ARE the THREE biggest causes of marriages breaking up.

STAY SINGLE....or, if you get married. THE PARTNERSHIP SHOULD BE AS AGREED WHEN TAKING THE VOWELS.

Just my opinion of course. Who am I to tell anyone what to do????:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
I was responding in general, pard. I wasn't replying to just you. Sorry if you took it that way but I wasn't.

I was just talking about my own personal feelings on the subject.

@icansayit (http://www.debatepolicy.com/member.php?u=3857)