Fix yourself. You are the problem.

[darin]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o73pqQ9Gzt4

[Gunny]

The mistake I see, and have been caught up in before, is when "fixing yourself" equates to changing or trying to change who you are because the other half demands it. And there is no "win" regardless your choice.

First wife had me changing to try and please her so much that when we finally did separate, I had no idea who I was anymore. I had been trying so hard I became someone who wasn't me.

2nd wife: as a result of lessons learned from first wife, I refused to budge. I figured I wasn't going through all that BS again only for it to end anyway. That didn't work out either.

Point is, if you are going to "fix yourself", be sure what you are "fixing" is broken. If it's change to try and please another at the expense of who and what you are, might not be worth it. If it's a positive change that could make things better for you as a person succeed or fail, then it probably won't break your a$$ to give it a shot.

[High_Plains_Drifter]

Some people really must have weak minds to have to think they need to fix themselves in the first place, and then have someone else that knows better for themselves than they do.

But that's just me. I have a strong aversion to any trying to tell me what I should or shouldn't do, or what I need to think, or that I need to change this or that. If you're not smart enough to figure out what's best for you, then you're mentally crippled.

Asking for advice is something completely different.

[darin]

And this video speaks to what you're saying - fix yourself, or your situation because you want to because only you can really do it. It's not your wife's fault you're in a bad marriage. That kinda thing.

[Gunny]

And this video speaks to what you're saying - fix yourself, or your situation because you want to because only you can really do it. It's not your wife's fault you're in a bad marriage. That kinda thing.It is at least half your wife's fault you're in a bad marriage. It takes two and you have no control over the behavior of 50%. In the instance that it is the other person, then you are reacting to their behavior, not initiating your own.

Then it rolls back over. How you react IS your responsibility.

But let's take our favorite topic as an example. Democrats/lefties ... they don't process info the same way we do. I don't know why. I cannot fathom what makes them think ass-backwards. The facts are there, the video is there, the words are there and they hear and see something that is NOT there. I just described my first wife actually :laugh:

There is no fixing THAT. And it's not me not seeing what is there. A brick is a brick and looks like one. It's NOT a round ball. Yet, it IS 50% her fault at least the relationship is a failure.

[STTAB]

It is at least half your wife's fault you're in a bad marriage. It takes two and you have no control over the behavior of 50%. In the instance that it is the other person, then you are reacting to their behavior, not initiating your own.

Then it rolls back over. How you react IS your responsibility.

But let's take our favorite topic as an example. Democrats/lefties ... they don't process info the same way we do. I don't know why. I cannot fathom what makes them think ass-backwards. The facts are there, the video is there, the words are there and they hear and see something that is NOT there. I just described my first wife actually :laugh:

There is no fixing THAT. And it's not me not seeing what is there. A brick is a brick and looks like one. It's NOT a round ball. Yet, it IS 50% her fault at least the relationship is a failure.

It isn't always 50% both parties fault. My first wife had an affair and abandoned our child while I was serving in Desert Storm. I mean unless I was in the wrong for joining the military and getting sent overseas, I'm not aware of anything I did wrong. Outside of choosing a shitty first wife, of course.

[darin]

It is at least half your wife's fault you're in a bad marriage. It takes two and you have no control over the behavior of 50%. In the instance that it is the other person, then you are reacting to their behavior, not initiating your own.

Then it rolls back over. How you react IS your responsibility.

But let's take our favorite topic as an example. Democrats/lefties ... they don't process info the same way we do. I don't know why. I cannot fathom what makes them think ass-backwards. The facts are there, the video is there, the words are there and they hear and see something that is NOT there. I just described my first wife actually :laugh:

There is no fixing THAT. And it's not me not seeing what is there. A brick is a brick and looks like one. It's NOT a round ball. Yet, it IS 50% her fault at least the relationship is a failure.

And so this video is SPOT on. Nobody is perfect - everyone can use - and should regularly perform - self assessment and enrichment

[Gunny]

And so this video is SPOT on. Nobody is perfect - everyone can use - and should regularly perform - self assessment and enrichmentTrue enough. What I would caution against is too much self-assessment. Or, going to too far with it. You can beat yourself down easily.

What I don't get is a person r people who keep doing the same thing expecting a different result. I usually start with "how'd this work for me last time around the block?" Not necessarily a definitive answer, but it's a start. If I walk by the same dog every day and kick him and he bites me, you'd think I'd sooner or later figure out if I don't want to get bit, I don't kick the dog. A simple analogy, but it works.

[Gunny]

It isn't always 50% both parties fault. My first wife had an affair and abandoned our child while I was serving in Desert Storm. I mean unless I was in the wrong for joining the military and getting sent overseas, I'm not aware of anything I did wrong. Outside of choosing a shitty first wife, of course.I was using an arbitrary, even-up starting point for the basis of example. I'm REAL familiar with cheating wives on deployment, but you are reinforcing my point. You have to know when it's not you, and move forward. Or you can sit in place and sulk in your bitterness. (The ubiquitous "you", not you personally). In your case, you had no control over the situation. I've seen that very situation drive Marines to tears, almost insane, into a bottle, and other self-destructive behavior. I was extremely bitter and hateful after it happened to me. Didn't do me any good and everyone around me suffered for it. That behavior WAS mine.

[STTAB]

I was using an arbitrary, even-up starting point for the basis of example. I'm REAL familiar with cheating wives on deployment, but you are reinforcing my point. You have to know when it's not you, and move forward. Or you can sit in place and sulk in your bitterness. (The ubiquitous "you", not you personally). In your case, you had no control over the situation. I've seen that very situation drive Marines to tears, almost insane, into a bottle, and other self-destructive behavior. I was extremely bitter and hateful after it happened to me. Didn't do me any good and everyone around me suffered for it. That behavior WAS mine.


That's true, you do own how you react to the situation. I was only commenting on the fact that the cause of the situation isn't always 50/50.

I reacted exactly the opposite of you. I forgot all about her. I just whatever. .Just wanted to make sure my child was safe and secure. She didn't matter to me at all.

[tailfins]

Some people really must have weak minds to have to think they need to fix themselves in the first place, and then have someone else that knows better for themselves than they do.

But that's just me. I have a strong aversion to any trying to tell me what I should or shouldn't do, or what I need to think, or that I need to change this or that. If you're not smart enough to figure out what's best for you, then you're mentally crippled.

Asking for advice is something completely different.

What you are describing is the classic "sh*t test". She will lose respect for you if you don't stand your ground and insist on being yourself. Here is a video on the topic:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQ1_aK8VdvU

[NT'sGirl]

Will Smith nailed it to me


https://youtu.be/Lm7YEQCckuI

[jimnyc]

Will Smith nailed it to me

I'm not a big fan of Will anymore, well a little anyway. :) And I like his wife less, sometimes they act and seem entitled.

But Dang - he is spot on here!!

It's very difficult to breakdown and understand fault versus responsibility. He's right, we want to punish the person at fault, until the point that THEY are responsible for the future after what happened - but really, it's our lives, and no matter how much anger there may be, it really is our responsibility to make the future and fix what just happened.

Most fault and responsibility is fairly easy to look at and be responsible for. But yeah, I can see many a situation where the fault is where the fight will get stuck. I think folks that understand the above, may in fact make for better folks, but not written in stone of course.

[Abbey Marie]

I'm not a big fan of Will anymore, well a little anyway. :) And I like his wife less, sometimes they act and seem entitled.

But Dang - he is spot on here!!

It's very difficult to breakdown and understand fault versus responsibility. He's right, we want to punish the person at fault, until the point that THEY are responsible for the future after what happened - but really, it's our lives, and no matter how much anger there may be, it really is our responsibility to make the future and fix what just happened.

Most fault and responsibility is fairly easy to look at and be responsible for. But yeah, I can see many a situation where the fault is where the fight will get stuck. I think folks that understand the above, may in fact make for better folks, but not written in stone of course.


Also a big part of the movie "I Can Only Imagine".