Unsure of correct forum - Anyone up for a little Guy talk?

[darin]

So I'm pretty old. Too old to be single and have any chance to find the kind of woman I want.

Want. Need.

I do not need a woman in my life. I surely want a woman to share things with - but here's where I am either broken inside, or simply immature.

I'm looking for a woman I'm super attracted to. In every capacity. I hate making excuses for myself and the woman I'm with.

background - Anyone watch The last Man on Earth?

Phil is the last human on the planet. For an unknown reason Phil is alone. He drives across the country in search of humanity. Finally he meets a woman.

http://cimg.tvgcdn.net/i/r/2015/12/03/2664d620-0e8b-4357-a1cd-9a8bcc33fb5b/resize/900x600/d70d20a8b09a45bdafdc7526ffc1fdf6/lastmanonearth-news.jpg

Phil wants companionship, but the woman he meets wants to be married before they are 'together'. So - he weds her.

Enter ANOTHER survivor

http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/38400000/Melissa-Shart-the-last-man-on-earth-38403250-599-337.jpg

Phil is now trapped. Phil and the 'new girl' get along great but Phil is married. MARRIED.

I do not want to be Phil. I think I was phil for a decade or more during my marriage. My ex, though IS attractive and is in good shape, or was - I haven't seen her in awhile because I cut off access for her to her kids because if I was a woman a lot of other woman would CHEER that, but because I'm male, I'm sure - based on the way I worded it just now - some women HERE are angry at me.

Anywho -

Is this a case of me being immature? Broken? Depressed? Other?

I have a certain 'type' - Pretty much ALL Types. Except for one specific type I will not get into here. Thing is, the 'all types', filtered by the ONE type I am not attracted to do not find ME particularly attractive I fear. So - here's where I worry JUST a little bit...if I was to "worry" that is...

I do not want to settle. Being alone is better than settling right? Think about that for awhile...

I could be with a number of woman and likely make happy lives together - happy to the point I see what I really like during a social setting. Or at church. Or wherever. I do not want to be in a position where if everything was equal I could be with the type I prefer, but I cannot because I'm with a woman I may love, but isn't what I am really looking for. And then I think...the women I am really looking for probably feel like they'd have to "settle" with me? I'm not THIS guy,


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_cAS-mvV20

But I'm also NOT 'hot'.

Please let that make ANY sense to somebody. Any other guys go through this stuff?

[NightTrain]

I watched that whole series either on Amazon or Hulu, and it was pretty good.

Phil was a conniving, bumbling douche, but he appeared to be coming around by the last episodes.


All I can say as far as finding the right mate is this : It didn't happen to me until I'd given up. After that nasty divorce, I told my best friend that I was going to be a man-whore from here on out. It was a joke but the sentiment was true - I wasn't going to expose myself or my kids to any more unpredictable shenanigans from women. And marriage was damn sure not in the future.

It was after I was no longer looking that lightning struck - I met Sharon and suddenly the universe made sense. We clicked completely and it was joyous - and still is.

I firmly believe that there's a mate put here on this earth for everyone, and I think fate has a hand in the meeting.

I know what you mean about 'settling' and being extremely picky (and that underlying reality is fear to commitment IMO) but the result to that is being a lonely old person and having no love around you in your twilight years - I know a couple guys like that and while they had a helluva lot of fun back in the day, every one of them regret not getting married now. And they had some real keepers back in the day, but let them get away. Even today they keep women at arm's length when one enters their life and they recognize that they really like them... but by now it's ingrained and they don't even realize that they do it.

Since you brought up a TV show, I'll use another - and it may sound stupid, but bear with me : Seinfeld. You had 4 people running around NYC, each one of them dating, and each one of them almost in a race to find something that was a 'deal breaker'. Her jaw clicked. One didn't laugh correctly. One ate candy bars with a fork. One ate peas one at a time. Yeah, it was funny stuff, but the underlying reason is that they didn't want to commit because they perceived their parents as living in an utter hell with each other, so they overlooked all of the many great qualities of a potential mate to focus on something that really didn't matter at all in order to justify dumping the new romance.

I think the harder you look for her, the harder it is to find her. Love strikes when you're not looking for it. But you have to recognize it when it does and give it an honest chance.

[tailfins]

I do not want to settle. Being alone is better than settling right? Think about that for awhile...

I could be with a number of woman and likely make happy lives together - happy to the point I see what I really like during a social setting. Or at church. Or wherever. I do not want to be in a position where if everything was equal I could be with the type I prefer, but I cannot because I'm with a woman I may love, but isn't what I am really looking for. And then I think...the women I am really looking for probably feel like they'd have to "settle" with me? I'm not THIS guy,

But I'm also NOT 'hot'.

Please let that make ANY sense to somebody. Any other guys go through this stuff?

Most of your post is way, way, way too complicated for my thought processes, so I will just tell you what has worked for me. I watched bunches of this kind of thing as a kid because my siblings were from another generation. I knew about most of these landmines way before I grew up. Make the safe choice! It's not settling. Put yourself in circumstances that are very unlikely to go wrong. It has worked for me. Keep in mind, I'm only trying to help. If my input isn't appreciated, just say so.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Third time was charm for me, as my previous two marriages turned into disasters, first one was three years long, second one was 23 years long...
However, I formed a plan of what I wanted and what I knew I could do well with in a mate.
Faithfulness being number one, a certain level of beauty/sex appeal(high) and she absolutely
must be intelligent with a great sense of humor. After that I started a long range plan.
Ended up in a four year log long distance relationship with Riza, her living in the Philippines.
Note he time- four long years-- as I was not going to rush in to anything after those first two disasters!
Planning, time and patience paid off handsomely-- we've been married 11 years, best 11 years of my life and
have our nine year old son Justin, another blessing from my careful and long range planning.
Note, I did not settle for less than what I originally decided was right for me and could bring long lasting happiness
to both parties.
My advice is form a plan, decide the qualities desired and execute said plan with precision and no haste.
If lucky you'll find that lady quickly and not have to wait years to join together..
Best of luck in your quest my friend...--Tyr

[Perianne]

I am obviously not a man, but I suppose I have a similar circumstance.

My husband of 25+ years up and died on me. I was devastated.

I have a tendency to compare every man I meet to my deceased husband. And that is unfair. My husband had been an alpha male, totally dominant in his life and relationships with others. When it was time to act, he acted. I find other men to be substantially less than he was in one manner or another. I tend to overlook their good qualities and focus only on the ways they come up short compared to my deceased husband.

I fear I will never again find the love and adoration I held for him. It is hard to settle for less than want I want even though I will never find another man like him.

My present husband and I are trying to work things out. He has been gone from me for over one year now. He left because I was mean to him and I suppose he knew I was comparing him to my deceased husband. My gut feeling is that I will be alone for the rest of my life because I refuse to settle.

[indago]

I am obviously not a man, but I suppose I have a similar circumstance.

My husband of 25+ years up and died on me. I was devastated.

I have a tendency to compare every man I meet to my deceased husband. And that is unfair. My husband had been an alpha male, totally dominant in his life and relationships with others. When it was time to act, he acted. I find other men to be substantially less than he was in one manner or another. I tend to overlook their good qualities and focus only on the ways they come up short compared to my deceased husband.

I fear I will never again find the love and adoration I held for him. It is hard to settle for less than want I want even though I will never find another man like him.

My present husband and I are trying to work things out. He has been gone from me for over one year now. He left because I was mean to him and I suppose he knew I was comparing him to my deceased husband. My gut feeling is that I will be alone for the rest of my life because I refuse to settle.

Yes, life sucks sometimes, and sometimes it sucks all the time...

[darin]

Thank you NT.

I am not afraid to commit so much as I'm afraid to commit to the wrong person (again). But am I better alone or better with somebody but 'wanting'? That's probably the crux of my thread. Better yoked to the wrong person than unyoked? And I suppose a sub-question of that is 'what is right or wrong?'. Is 'right' somebody who appeals to me physically? Is personality and chemistry more important? Are both important?

When I leave this place and return to the states I will be either 45 or 48 years old. Forty-eight. Holy cow. If I am not established or settled by then I hold out little hope of it happening at all. I cannot imagine being any older than I am and being a viable option to a woman under 45.

45 - why that number? Well...as I look around and meet folk too many women are aged to the point I sort of see my mother. I do not like. I don't know how to like. Am I simply and hopelessly clinging to my youth by expectations like that - the expectation the woman I'm with looks younger than me? Looks younger than I remember my Mom? aldfjaslfjsld I am shivering a little bit just writing about this.

So - for me, the journey of self-discovery means accepting my partner will not be, in all likelihood, a Chivette. She will not have a 30-something y/o bod. My window might have passed for something like that - Do I feel a woman with the kind of in-shape I prefer, and youth-in-how-she-lives (Doesn't matter if she's 40, but if she's fit, energetic, etc, that's more important/vital to me) would have to 'settle' if SHE chose me? Yes. Right now yes. I think a woman who I'm attracted to would absolutely be settling if she loved me back.

Is that a sign of broken self-esteem or realism? I think I'm pretty cute. To some ladies. And I'm charming and hilarious. And...And I am very smart. Even for a boy.

So - I long to commit. I desire in my heart of hearts to be connected to a woman on very deep levels. And, I want her to be sorta hot. at least to me.

Discuss? Am I off-base? dumb? whatever?








I watched that whole series either on Amazon or Hulu, and it was pretty good.

Phil was a conniving, bumbling douche, but he appeared to be coming around by the last episodes.


All I can say as far as finding the right mate is this : It didn't happen to me until I'd given up. After that nasty divorce, I told my best friend that I was going to be a man-whore from here on out. It was a joke but the sentiment was true - I wasn't going to expose myself or my kids to any more unpredictable shenanigans from women. And marriage was damn sure not in the future.

It was after I was no longer looking that lightning struck - I met Sharon and suddenly the universe made sense. We clicked completely and it was joyous - and still is.

I firmly believe that there's a mate put here on this earth for everyone, and I think fate has a hand in the meeting.

I know what you mean about 'settling' and being extremely picky (and that underlying reality is fear to commitment IMO) but the result to that is being a lonely old person and having no love around you in your twilight years - I know a couple guys like that and while they had a helluva lot of fun back in the day, every one of them regret not getting married now. And they had some real keepers back in the day, but let them get away. Even today they keep women at arm's length when one enters their life and they recognize that they really like them... but by now it's ingrained and they don't even realize that they do it.

Since you brought up a TV show, I'll use another - and it may sound stupid, but bear with me : Seinfeld. You had 4 people running around NYC, each one of them dating, and each one of them almost in a race to find something that was a 'deal breaker'. Her jaw clicked. One didn't laugh correctly. One ate candy bars with a fork. One ate peas one at a time. Yeah, it was funny stuff, but the underlying reason is that they didn't want to commit because they perceived their parents as living in an utter hell with each other, so they overlooked all of the many great qualities of a potential mate to focus on something that really didn't matter at all in order to justify dumping the new romance.

I think the harder you look for her, the harder it is to find her. Love strikes when you're not looking for it. But you have to recognize it when it does and give it an honest chance.

[NightTrain]

You'll find her. The 'fate' thing I was talking about will see to it. And now you've got Europe added to your potential area for finding her.

No, I don't think you're wrong about being physically attracted - that's a very important component to longevity and you have to have that to be happy. And so does she. Age shouldn't be a problem, I've seen a lot of hot 40 year olds running around - the trick is finding out if she is mentally & emotionally stable. There are many that look great at first glance but inside they're pretty fucked up - and I don't doubt that men are the same way from a woman's perspective. Going somewhat slow as the relationship progresses is the key, because a lot of flaws are hidden at first as people are on their best behavior, but sooner or later those arise and it's up to you to either accept them or reject them - finding out after marriage is something to be avoided IMO.

Keep the faith. You'll find her.

[darin]

thanks NT.

I'll find her, or I will not and still figure out how to be content. :) No other choice.

[Jeff]

dmp I had realized I was going to live in a truck, come home when the kids where home and awake and pull back out before they went to bed, heck it even worked for a few years but eventually it had to break and break it did. But then I found my current wife (wife #2) after the first weekend we where together I realized how nice being in a relationship is, I have now been married to her for almost 16 years and still enjoy my partner daily (and no not even just that ) I enjoy just being with her ( God I am getting old ) , when you least expect it it will slam ya in the face. So take one day at a time and enjoy them, everyday has some good in it because you never know how long you have before everything changes.

[darin]

Thanks brother.

I know things will work out. Just a little funk I'm in :)

[Perianne]

dmp

What do you miss most about being in a relationship?

[darin]

...and when it works out she better have a cute butt.

:)

[darin]

dmp

What do you miss most about being in a relationship?

Will get back to this.

Long-winded reply ahead. :)

[Perianne]

...and when it works out she better have a cute butt.

:)

http://www.debatepolicy.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=8370&stc=1

[darin]

Just for that

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1PBWDuWZgmA/TqqvJBSodpI/AAAAAAAAC6A/96wl7h1Ly6w/s1600/ass-jeans.jpg

[NightTrain]

Just for that

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-1PBWDuWZgmA/TqqvJBSodpI/AAAAAAAAC6A/96wl7h1Ly6w/s1600/ass-jeans.jpg


Zounds! NT Rikey.

[darin]

What do I miss most?

Intimacy. By far the most important aspect. Sexual and otherwise. I miss walking arm on her shoulders, hers around my waist and looking over and seeing a woman I am completely proud to be with. I miss laying across the bed and looking over at her. Having conversations about stupid shit in the morning.

And crazy wild sex.