Funny Military Stories

[NightTrain]

Found these around the 'net... pretty funny stuff!


1987 I was in Basic Training and we had just arrived at Basic Training and quickly introduced to our DI. He swaggers onto our bus and introduces himself by telling us the number one thing he hated in life was a private and there were 50 of us on that bus and we were already 10 minutes late. So he starts screaming at us to get the hell off his bus and we don't waste any time doing so. We were so scared. Unbeknownst to us prior to our arrival, our Di's had cooked up a plan involving two privates who were retraining with us. They were to join us in formation with no one being the wiser outside the bus. Being scared shitless already they decided to play on our fears. While screaming at us and telling us just how much we had screwed up by enlisting into their Army one of the retrains was to "nut up" and scream out at the top of his lungs that he was having none of it and decides to take off running.

One of the DI's screams out, "A DESERTER? GO GET MY WEAPON!!" The other retrain runs behind a tree and brings the DI an M-16 A-1 loaded with blank ammo with no blank adaptor and fires off a round. (The weapon jammed after that having no blank adaptor to cycle the gas operation but that was enough for us anyway) The retrain hits the ground and starts flopping like a fish out of water.


Yeah, great fun. Wasn't funny at the time at all but now? Classic!!!!
We were all ears after that.



USMC Boot Camp 2011 During Field Week we had a class on how to properly apply face paint. We were told several times not to use the white since we were no where near snow.

Needless to say one recruit did so our DI snatched him up took him out back. Made him remove it and when he came back it was the perfect Joker Face. For the rest of the day his proper greeting of the day( good morning sir, good afternoon sir, good evening sir) was replaced with "Why so serious."

Everytime he said it the DI's would just tilt their cover so you couldn't see their face and walk away.



There was a guy who had just entered his 3rd week. Rifle training in the air force. I myself was in my last week. Poor guy asked where to put his rifle before entering the dfac and someone had told him to just put it over his shoulder and head on in.


There were a good 50 MTI's in the snake pit and one of them yelled "HOLY SHIT ITS A RAID" and they proceeded to flip tables and run like hell out of the building. The kid stood there shaking with his tray realizing he wasn't supposed to bring his training rifle in with him LOL

[NightTrain]

So, Gunny, since you were once part of the crew scaring the shit out of recruits, I have to ask : Is it a goal between DIs to see if you can make your cohorts crack up publicly by making a recruit do & say unexpectedly funny things? I know having a mean and serious demeanor at all times is the goal, so this seems like it would be a natural thing to do.

[Gunny]

So, Gunny, since you were once part of the crew scaring the shit out of recruits, I have to ask : Is it a goal between DIs to see if you can make your cohorts crack up publicly by making a recruit do & say unexpectedly funny things? I know having a mean and serious demeanor at all times is the goal, so this seems like it would be a natural thing to do.

NO, but we WERE innovative so long as it was harmless. And I'm STILL LMAO at the joker face paint. :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

I know I and a couple of others would usually end up having to go into the duty hut to keep from cracking up in front of the recruits, Thing is, we really didn't have to set up anything. There was always that 10% that were dumbasses from minute one that could crack you up. :laugh:

[NightTrain]

I remember a story my Dad used to tell about when he was a Sergeant in the Army at Ft. Richardson in Anchorage back in 1971.

One of the Privates had done something dumb, so he was assigned to perform 'Earthquake Watch'. This entailed giving him a bucket of water and having him stare at it in a parking lot, watching closely for any ripples developing. If he saw any ripples, he was to immediately haul ass to report an inbound earthquake. This wasn't too long after the 1964 monster quake in AK, so it was still fresh in everyone's mind.

Everyone in on the joke was chuckling away about it, watching from windows, until a Major came around the corner, saw him and started investigating as to why the hell a Private was staring at a bucket of water.

[Gunny]

So you catch 2 recruits UA smoking. They get lined up, 3 smokes in their mouths, files straight out in front of them and on command "inhale" meant stand and "exhale" meant squat. The it was in hale, exhale, inhale exhale ..

The Battalion SgtMaj walks up, looks, and just has to walk off. I KNOW we busted his chops.:laugh:

[NightTrain]

So you catch 2 recruits UA smoking. They get lined up, 3 smokes in their mouths, files straight out in front of them and on command "inhale" meant stand and "exhale" meant squat. The it was in hale, exhale, inhale exhale ..

The Battalion SgtMaj walks up, looks, and just has to walk off. I KNOW we busted his chops.:laugh:


That's a hell of a way to have a smoke. Makes me want to wheeze just thinking about it. :smoke:

[Gunny]

I remember a story my Dad used to tell about when he was a Sergeant in the Army at Ft. Richardson in Anchorage back in 1971.

One of the Privates had done something dumb, so he was assigned to perform 'Earthquake Watch'. This entailed giving him a bucket of water and having him stare at it in a parking lot, watching closely for any ripples developing. If he saw any ripples, he was to immediately haul ass to report an inbound earthquake. This wasn't too long after the 1964 monster quake in AK, so it was still fresh in everyone's mind.

Everyone in on the joke was chuckling away about it, watching from windows, until a Major came around the corner, saw him and started investigating as to why the hell a Private was staring at a bucket of water.

Okay, you're killing me. Earthquake Watch? :laugh::laugh::laugh:

That's like sending a private to supply for a TR double E. :laugh::laugh:

[Gunny]

That's a hell of a way to have a smoke. Makes me want to wheeze just thinking about it. :smoke:

I can't breathe cuz I'm LMAO at these stories. :laugh:

[Gunny]

Y'know, everyone's always so serious, but I forgot how funny some of the crap was. I come pulling up my M880 (Dodge Ram 4x4) to the motor pool and they had just gotten some CHevy S-10 Blazers. Mastr Gunny B- comes running across the whole damned lot .. "Cpl L - , don't even look at them. You already wrecked 2 jeeps and a truck". I was like, "I'm the only one that's ever made it up Dime Dingo in a Jeep." Needless to say, I never got one of the Blazers.:laugh:

[NightTrain]

USMC boot, one kid on firewatch failed to notice the DI coming on deck (which means you immediately salute and report your post), so the DI ran up to the rifle rack, smacked it, and yelled "BAM! You're dead." He tried to respond - but was cut off by the DI: "You're a ghost now, you can't talk. Go act like a ghost."

Then the kid had to wander around the squadbay for the rest of his 2 hour firewatch acting like a ghost, and he took that responsibilty with a stride. Plenty of ridiculous "oooOOOOOoOOOOo i'm a ghooOOooost" noises and fucking with people's racks. We were all laughing our asses off for the next hour till our senior got pissed.
.

[Gunny]

.

I'd like to see THAT. You don't fuck with a recruit's rack, chow or mail. But we had a Private B-. He had to on command "disappear". When told to disappear he had to respond "Bzzzt, I'm gone". When told to reappear he had to respond "Bzzzt, I'm back". He was cockstrong and dumber than a red brick. :laugh:

[NightTrain]

Now this would absolutely kill me to see :


Marine Boot camp.We had a guy that somehow got his watch through the indoc (They take all your crap when you first get there). Well the DIs found out he had it when they saw him wearing it one day, so they put him in the squad bay trashcan and put the lid on it.

Every time they walked by and kicked it he'd pop out with his watch and yell, "SIR THE TIME ON DECK IS ZERO-NINE-FORTY-FIVE!" and then go back into his can like the freakin' grouch from Sesame Street.


It was really, really hard not to laugh at that.

[NightTrain]

I'd like to see THAT. You don't fuck with a recruit's rack, chow or mail. But we had a Private B-. He had to on command "disappear". When told to disappear he had to respond "Bzzzt, I'm gone". When told to reappear he had to respond "Bzzzt, I'm back". He was cockstrong and dumber than a red brick. :laugh:

Sound effects and all? :laugh:

My sense of humor would have gotten me in a lot of trouble... cracking a grin over seeing someone do shit like that would have been impossible for me not to do. I suppose after a few thousand push ups, that I might have gotten better control of it, though!

[Gunny]

Now this would absolutely kill me to see :

OMG. :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

[NightTrain]

i was in a gender-mixed company in basic. the third floor of the barracks was split with females on one half and males on the other. males were not allowed in the female half and vice versa.

my platoon was out back practicing throwing grenade bodies and a window on the female side of the third floor opened and a male sneaked out of the window onto the ledge. it was immediately obvious to everyone, including our drill sgt, that he had been in there messing around with a female and a drill sgt must have come down the hall, forcing him to get out onto the ledge so he wouldn't get caught.

Our drill Sgt looked at the guy for a minute and then yelled really sarcastically, "don't do it private, you have lots to live for."

then they put him on suicide watch and made him hand over his belts and tie and shoelaces and everything that he could hang himself with and made him drag his newly bare mattress out into the hallway next to the fire guard desk and sleep out there every night until we graduated 4 weeks later. and they made his battle buddy sleep on the floor next to him for the first week.

I'm sure he was very popular with his Battle Buddy! :laugh:

[Gunny]

Sound effects and all? :laugh:

My sense of humor would have gotten me in a lot of trouble... cracking a grin over seeing someone do shit like that would have been impossible for me not to do. I suppose after a few thousand push ups, that I might have gotten better control of it, though!

You just have to turn away. If you're a recruit, you tune it out. That guy was actually in boot camp with me, not one of my recruits. Same deal. You laugh and the Hats are all over YOUR ass. And in my day, they weren't exactly the nicest guys in the world.

What I don't like about Full Metal Jacket is R Lee Ermey plays the Senior Drill Instructor AND the heavy. The SDI is NEVER the heavy. He's "daddy". The guy you can go to. If he's the heavy, recruits feel hopeless and have no recourse. The senior junior drill instructor is usually the heavy. the junior drill instructor is basically a troop handler. Guess which job I was good at ..... If he had played the heavy junior hat, he was perfect. When I first saw that movie I almost freaked out, looking over my shoulder. I didn't have any idea who he was at the time but my reaction was, that dude was a hat.

[Gunny]

In 29 Palms you get these C&E students as working parties. So going in the Delta Corridor, you have to go down this road called the washboard. It's called that for a reason. So you get these prives in the back of the pickups and it's a contest to see who can dump the most of them in the sand. :laugh:

[Motown]

My unit wasn't the only one to ever do this but the last company I served with used to have NUGs go around the barracks in the morning and compile the "EMHO" report. Then the CO would call them front and center at morning formation to give the report. The look on their faces when they finally found out that they were reporting on early morning hard ons was priceless.

[Bilgerat]

Back in the day, the Coast Guard had a lovely little Loran (Long Range Aid to Navigation) Station on French Frigate Shoals.

Never heard of the place? you can start here: http://www.loran-history.info/FrenchFrigateShoals/frenchfrigateshoals.htm

Now, if you washed out of Electronics (A) school, you had a Loran station in your future. And if you failed spectacularly, well you might have been sent there.

I'm told that during personnel rotation, one of the gags was to bring out the men leaving in a cage. These guys were often heavily bearded and would make as much noise as they could.

The pilot of the aircraft would make a show of taking out a 45 and telling the new men "Run for the CO's Hut, I'll cover you".

:dance:

[Gunny]

E-tool quals? :laugh:

[namvet]

I went to RTC Diego in 66

http://oldbluejacket.com/images/Arrival.jpg

knew I was in deep shit before i got off the bus

http://oldbluejacket.com/bootcamp.htm