Bill Clinton Jokes

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The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

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Bill and Monica are in the Whitehouse when Bill invites Monica into the Oval office because he wants to show her a clock. While in the office Clinton pulls down his pants and whips out his unit.

Monica gasps, Mr. Clinton that's not a clock, it's a cock!

Bill replies, well Monica if you put 2 hands and a face on it, it's a clock.

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Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice."

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Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story.

During the course of his interview he asked Bill, "What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency".

Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica Lewinski! I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision".

"How could that be, Bill?", asked the surprised biographer.

Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason."

"That's odd. What was the reason for that?", said the biographer.

Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."

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One christmas mourning Hillary Clinton looked out her window to find someone wrote Hillary sucks in pee on the snow.

So she called the police and they told her they would do tests.

The following week the police chief came back and said that he had bad news and worse news. The bad news is it is Bill's urine and the worse news is it is Monica's hand writing.

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After Bill Clinton Dies he goes directly to Hell. Upon arriving he is met by Satan, who informs him that Hell is currently full but since he REALLY deserves to be there, they will make special arrangements by letting someone else leave to make room for Bill. And, as a special favor, he will be given a choice of people to replace. Satan then leads Bill to a room with three doors.

The first door opens. Behind the door is Newt Gingrich. He's being worked over with a blowtorch. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me."

The second door opens. Behind door #2 is Ted Kennedy. His skin is being stripped off with a pair of pliers. Grimacing at the bloody scene, Clinton again says, "I don't think this is for me."

The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He is naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. "I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

"Very well," says Satan. "Monica, you've been pardoned - you may go now."

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Q: What was Clinton's last gift to Monica?

A: Spot remover.

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Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.

"Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all hope upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

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After much arguing and deliberation, historians have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called SEX BETWEEN THE BUSHES.

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As he walked through the pearly gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and table clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, "St. Peter, what's the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?"

St. Peter replied, "The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move."

"Click." The minute hand on Sam's clock moved one minute. "Click." It moved another minute. "Sam must be into closing a customer right now," said St. Peter. "The minute hand on his clock moves all day."

The man continues to look around. "Whose clock is this?" asked the man.

"That clock belongs to the widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two."

The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finished, the man said, "I've seen everyone's clock but President Clinton's. Where is his clock?"

Saint Peter smiled, "Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan."

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Entry 1

Dear Diary,
I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House.... and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position. Entry 2

Dear Diary,
You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when-guess what-the president walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me. Entry 3

Dear Diary,
I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them. Entry 4

Dear Diary,
He really likes me. Entry 5

Dear Diary,
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900 Monica." (That means he thinks I'm one in nine hundred. That's pretty special.) Entry 6

Dear Diary,
I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald. Entry 7

Dear Diary,
I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner. Entry 8

Dear Diary,
Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow. Entry 9

Dear Diary,
I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones' case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag. Entry 10

Dear Diary,
I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work. Entry 11

Dear Diary,
Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would I hope Spielberg will direct.

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"Members of Congress...people of America....

I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are The First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a Little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be Pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to The President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I Was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport." There was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.

Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Quentin (instead of San Clemente) for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point...

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.

What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.

Thank you, good night and God bless America!

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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight.

"I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.

"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.

"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.

"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan

"I have had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.

"No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.

Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming.

"I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."

In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty.

"I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees."

In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton"

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One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and dragged him to shore.

Clinton was so thankful that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward. You guys just name it."

The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!" "I'll take you there myself in Air Force One!" exclaims Bill.

The second boy says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan's." "I'll buy them for you myself," says Bill.

"And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers" the third boy says.

The president looks at the boy and says, "But, son, you don't look like you are handicapped to me."

The boy replies, "I'm going to be when my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

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President Clinton is invited by George Steinbrenner to opening day at Yankee Stadium. Mr. Steinbrenner asks the President, "Mr. President . . . Bill . . . since you are my special guest, and today is opening day, we'd like for you to throw out the first pitch."

President Clinton say excitedly, "SURE, I'D LOVE TOO...SOUUUIIEEEE!"

So before the game begins, the President is introduced to the crowd . . . the crowd applauds...Bill does the Presidential wave thing...and then, he picks up Hillary, raises her above his head, and gives her the good heave ho straight across home plate. "SOUUUUIIEEEE". The crowd goes WILD!

George Steinbrenner puts his hand on Clinton shoulder and says, "That was just FANTASTIC...but I said 'throw out the first PITCH!"

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Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk.

Hillary asks Chelsea, "You have been going to college for awhile now. Have you had sex yet?"

Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad."

[Dilloduck]

Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk.

Hillary asks Chelsea, "You have been going to college for awhile now. Have you had sex yet?"

Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad."

Pretty scared of the Clintons, I see.

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First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks............

Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill....and there's no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded..."Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly), doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet says, "Whenever I feel that a guy's getting ready to make a pass me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart I can."

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.....so, she tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and asks, "That you Janet?"

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Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further unless you are sitting down ...

OK?

Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks tomy daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that heis somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do.

His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village.

I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know ... There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.

However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great...I love it, though I miss you both terribly...and Socks, too!

P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.

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Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed.

"No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Lets see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage...."

"And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want..."

"I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yeah, that's it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

Poof, and just like that, her ears were gone!

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While undressing for bed one night, ol' Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis.

Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!", and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.

"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it, and how do I get rid of it?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else."

Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn't help.

So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved. Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there.

So he goes back to his doctor and asks, "What next?"

The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub this on every day for a week, and let me know.

Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"

The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover".

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Possible Titles for Monica's Autobiography



* "I Suck At My Job" * "What Really Goes Down In The White House" * "How I Blew It In Washington" * "Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President" * "Clear and Present Boner" * "Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule" * "Going Back for Gore" * "Podium Girl" * "Secret Services to the President" * "Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton" * "Deep Inside The Oval Office" * "The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions" * "My Chief of Staff" * "Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes" * "How To Beat Off the Government" * "Going Down and Moving Up" * "Members of the Cabinet" * "Me and My Big Mouth" * "How To Get A Head in Business"

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Nixon vs. Clinton



Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: Biggest fear: Cold war
Clinton: Biggest fear: Cold sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: Vice President: Greek
Clinton: Vice President: Geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.

Nixon: Known as tricky Dick
Clinton: no difference

Nixon: Ex-president
Clinton: Sex President

...and my #1 favorite:

Nixon: Talked of achieving Peace with honor.
Clinton: Talked of achieving piece while on her.

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Oz

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Newt Gengrich were on their way to meet the wizard of OZ.

When they met Al Gore asked for a brain, Newt asked for a heart, and Bill asked "where's Dorothy?"

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Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

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A recent poll of 2000 women were asked the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?

94% responded "Never again!"

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A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."

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Top 10 Proposed Closing Arguments in the Matter of United State

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esq., here are the top 10 proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States vs. William Jefferson Clinton:

10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess

9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate

8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit

7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal

6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore

5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses

4. He cheats on his wife, but its his personal life

3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken Starr's proof

2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy

1. If the s** is just oral, it is not really immoral

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Greetings prospective White House interns!

This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!

Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:

* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!


Sounds like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:

"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."

-- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.

Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at president@whitehouse.gov


Name: _________________________

Hometown: _____________________

Sex: F_____ Age: __

Measurements: __ __

(required for medical purposes)

How many beers it takes to get you...

...Giggly:

...Drunk:

...Hot:

...To lie to a federal prosecutor:



Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic

Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House

Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.

Uncle Sam wants you.

*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.

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Top 10 Benefits of a White House Internship

10. First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs

9. Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great

8. Gives new meaning to MTV slogan "Rock the Vote"

7. Observe the President's commitment to young people first hand

6. Learn intricacies of statutory rape law

5. Have president chase around desk brandishing his "subpoena"

4. President tells you he really wants you on his staff

3. Try out JFK's legendary rocking chair

2. Have president introduce you to his "special investigator"...

... and the number one benefit of a White House internship...

1. Find out what a politician means when he says he's been polling his constituents!

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Q: Do you now why the White House is called the White House?

A: Because sperm is not black

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Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly. Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."

Nixon goes: "F@ck the women."

Clinton: "Do you think we have time?"

[nevadamedic]

BITCH = Bills In Trouble, Call Hillary.