Democrat Jokes

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Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.

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Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

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Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a lawyer?
A: Chelsea.

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Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.

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Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.

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Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

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Q: Why did God create Democrats?
A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.

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Q: What is a recent Democrat graduate's usual question in his first job?
A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?

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Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.

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Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!

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They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "But how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it's MY fault.

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The next time you hear a Democrat use the word "billion" casually think about whether you do, or don't, want that politician spending your tax money!!

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective in one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

And....

A billion dollars ago, was only 8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate Washington spends

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Q: Why is Janet Reno better than the Secret Service?
A: Because there are some things the Secret Service won't do to protect the President!

[Hagbard Celine]

http://www.peaholmquist.com/bullshit/images/bullshit_pile.jpg

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A Democrat and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them.
Do you have lunch or go to a movie?

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Q: What's the difference between a Democrat politician and a leech?
A: A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

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Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood.

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Q: What's the difference between a Democrat on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
A: The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.

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Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a bucket of cow manure?
A: The bucket.

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Two rookie Congressmen, one democrat and one republican, were walking along the street in D.C. They came upon a homeless man asleep on the sidewalk. The Republican woke him up, gave him $20 for something to eat and gave him a lead on where he might get a job. The Democrat was very impressed.

Later they came upon another homeless man. The democrat, not wanting to be outdone, reached into the republican's pocket and took $50 and gave it to the homeless man and then told him where the welfare office was located.

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Bill Clinton and Al Gore were sitting in a restaurant to discuss the craziness of the election. When the waitress came to take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak." When she asked Bill, he said, "I'll take the quicky." Gore motioned for the waitress to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the quiche."

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George Bush received a call from Russian President Putin.

He says to Bush, "Our largest condom factory has exploded. My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"President. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied President Bush.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said President Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?" said President Bush.

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 2" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything!

George Bush hung up and called the CEO of a condom company in Texas. "I need a favor. Can you send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia?"

"Consider it done," replied the CEO of the condom company.

"Good! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 2" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE: SMALL" on each one.

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Saddam Hussein and President George Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When the President sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches the President in the face. Confused, the President carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again the President carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks George in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on the President's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

The President says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

[Hagbard Celine]

http://www.perfect-shit.com/shit.jpg

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Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

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Ariel Sharon visits Hillary Clinton at her mansion in New York.

She wants everything to be perfect so she get the best Kosher chef from NYC and tells him that she wants a traditional Jewish dinner for Mr. Sharon.

As the dinner starts, a bowl of Matzoh Ball soup is placed in front of Hillary.

Hillary is a bit concerned and asks, "What is this?"

Ariel states that it is Matzoh Ball soup and urges her to try it.

With some reluctance, Hillary tries it. It is good, it taste like chicken! After a second spoonful, Hillary asks, "Do you eat the rest of the Matzoh or just the balls?"

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World's Thinnest Books

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian


ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
b y Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

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President Clinton meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

"Clinton frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. "The Queen pushes a button on her intercom.

"Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Clinton goes back home to asks Vice President Gore, the same question. "Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Gore, "let me get back to you on that one."

Gore goes to his advisors and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer.

Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Hillary Clinton's shoes in the next stall.

Gore shouts, "Hillary! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Hillary yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Gore smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Gore goes back to speak with President Clinton.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Hillary Clinton."

President Clinton gets up, stomps over to Gore and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

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:laugh2:

[The ClayTaurus]

Man, you need a hobby... :cheers2:

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Man, you need a hobby... :cheers2:

I have all these jokes saved so I figured to post them.

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A man wanted a big, ferocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs.

The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. "He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer. "Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first.

He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. "Ah," said the buyer, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier." "Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. "This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed.

"This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!" "I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a Democratic Congressman, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God.

"Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,

"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God,

"and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth.

"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"

God continued pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed,

"What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

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A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil." The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the Limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled Immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."

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Dear Democrat Party,

I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.

I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go.

I just thought all Americans would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration.

Thank you for taking time to read my letter.

Sincerely,

Saddam Hussein

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Let's Pull Together...

There are less than three months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The man elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.

To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike. If you support the policies and character of President George W. Bush, please drive with your headlights on during the day. If you support Senator Kerry, please drive with your headlights off at night.

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Democrats are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the rear end areinterchangeable."

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"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia . You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business . . .. and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.

But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . .. . We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty ....

And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

You gotta love it!!!

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A Democratic Senator Arrives in Heaven

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. The soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the senator to the elevator which then goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open, and the senator is left in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club house and standing in front of it are friends and other politicians who were co-workers. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. There is much greeting and hugging and reminiscing about life and the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, it is suddenly time to go. Everyone gives big hugs and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter was waiting.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and the 24 hours went by. St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose the place where you want to spend eternity."

After reflecting for a minute the Senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So with Saint Peter as an escort they go to the elevator and down, down, down to Hell it goes. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and the senator is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. All of the Senator's friends are dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black plastic bags. In addition, it's hot, hot, hot. Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to and lays his arm on the senators neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and club house, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at the formerly elected official, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...today you voted for us."

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Playoff Opener

Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee's home playoff opener, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leaned forward and said something to Bill.

Clinton stared at the guy, looked at Hillary, looked back at the agent, and shrugged his shoulders. Then, he picked up Hillary by the coat collar and the seat of her pants, and dropped her right over the wall onto the field.

She's kicking and swearing and screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're cheering, applauding and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and smiling, when the agent leaned forward and says, "I said, they want you to throw out the first pitch!"

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Three Hikers

One day, three democrats were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first democrat prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second democrat prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third democrat had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river."

And poof! God turned him into a Republican. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge!!

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The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.

He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that you're doing such a good thing."

The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're Democrats."

Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."

The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more. They're Republican now."

Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"

She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open."

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Captain Kirk and an away team, searching for intelligent life on other planets, traveled down to Earth after going through a time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clinton's inaugural ball.

After looking around, Kirk says: "Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down on this one."