Blonde Jokes

[nevadamedic]

We needed one of these threads!

A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.

She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Smith," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

[nevadamedic]

It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what’s the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar."

The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[nevadamedic]

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, who were all stranded on an island.

One day they found a genie and he said he would grant them three wishes.

All three of them agreed that each of them would get one wish each.

The brunette said, "I wish I was home in my bed and that this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.

The redhead said, "I wish that I was at home in my bed and this never happened.", and poof her wish was granted.

Then the blond said, "I wish my friends were here with me."

[nevadamedic]

Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?

A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

[nevadamedic]

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. We’re three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?

Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on?

Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on?

Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still won’t light up?

Blonde: No, it’s working fine.

Operator: Then what’s the problem?

Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around, and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

[nevadamedic]

One day a blond went out to check her mail box. There was nothing in it.

Her neighbor who was also out there gives her a weird look.

An hour later she goes back out to her mailbox and goes back in cause there was nothing in it and her neighbor goes "What the hell is she doing?"

An hour later she goes back out side and looks in the mailbox and there is nothing in it.

Finally the neighbor gets curious enough to ask her what she is doing.

The blonde says, "My stupid computer keeps saying you’ve got mail."

[nevadamedic]

One day 3 women went to the top of a water flume in a swimming pool. There was a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde.

When they got to the top, a genie appeared from nowhere and said, "When you’re going down the flume, shout out the one thing that you want, and you will land in it at the bottom."

So the redhead went down and shouted, "Money", and landed in a load of cash.

The brunette went down and shouted "Gorgeous men!" and landed in a pile of men.

The blonde wasn’t listening to the genie, so she went down shouting, "Weeeeeee!!!"

[nevadamedic]

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?

A: You don’t know how much either of them mean to you until they go down.

[nevadamedic]

One day a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were out window shopping, when they came across an old mysterious head shop.

The three girls went inside, and went up to the counter where an old woman was standing.

The old woman looked them over, and asked the girls if they wanted to see something. The girls curiously said yes.

Then the old woman pulled out a very old looking jar.

The old woman said to the girls, "This is a magic jar, you whisper something you think is true into it, and if it is true, something really GREAT will happen.

BUT if it isnt true..... POOF!! you’ll disappear off the face of the earth."

The redhead said she would go first. She took the jar and whispered into it, "I think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world."

POOF!!!! The redhead disappeared.

Then the brunette said, "Let me try I don’t lie." She took the jar and whispered, "I think I’m the smartest girl in the world...

POOF!!!!! she disappears.

Then the blonde says, "Well let me try. She took the jar and whispered..

"I think.. POOF!! she disappeared!!

[nevadamedic]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

[nevadamedic]

A blonde was driving home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a bad hail storm. The hailstones were the size of golf balls. Her car was dented beyond description.

The next day, she took it to a repair shop. Noticing that she was blonde, the technician decided to have some fun. He told her to take the car home and blow real hard into the tailpipe and the dents would pop out.

When she got home, she started blowing into the tailpipe as she was instructed. At that moment, her blonde girlfriend drove by and saw her puffing on the tailpipe.

Thinking the worst, the friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?"

She said that the man at the body shop told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.

Her girlfriend said, "Well, duhhhhhh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

[nevadamedic]

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial trouble. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

"Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."

[nevadamedic]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things .....

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I’m a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister; do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

[nevadamedic]

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a blond New Yorker) confided to her sorority sister she had three goals for her trip to Texas.

She wanted to taste some real Nebraska beef, take in a bona fide rodeo and have sex with a cowboy.

Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. Let me tell you, they have the best steaks that I’ve ever had. There is no steak in the world that could compare. The taste is unbelievable!!

And I went to a real rodeo..talk about athletes - these guys wrestle real full-grown bulls - like in Spain! Except they ride a horse out at full gallop, then jump off the horses and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground. It is incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a cowboy?"

Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry around in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"


The original joke said Nebraska, but I changed it to Texas for Gunny :)

[nevadamedic]

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, ’I’ll take that bet!’

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said ’I can’t take this, you’re my friend.’

The blonde said ’No. A bet’s a bet’.

So the redhead said ’Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money’.

The blonde replied, ’Well, so did I, but I never thought he’d jump again!’

[nevadamedic]

There were three girls, a blonde, a brunette and a red head and the were at the doctors office because they had all gotten pregnant.

As they were sitting there talking, the brunette said "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top".

The red head said "Well I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom."

The blonde starded crying hysterically and the other two girls asked "What's wrong?"

The blonde said "Oh no I'm going to have puppies!"

[nevadamedic]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

[nevadamedic]

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing.

She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, now you can follow me over to K-Mart."

[nevadamedic]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

[nevadamedic]

Q: How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle?

A: Shine a flashlight in her ear

[nevadamedic]

Q: How did the blond break her leg while raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree

[Yurt]

Please stop these types of posts/threads where you cut and paste numerous jokes. A joke or two will do, but sheesh, you are over doing it. Lay off the caffeine or something... :)

[nevadamedic]

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.

[nevadamedic]

A blonde goes over to her friends' house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt.

"Why are you wearing a 'Thank God it's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?"

"Oh no!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant: 'Tits Go In Front.'"

[nevadamedic]

Q: What do a blonde and rail road tracks have in common?

A: They get laid all over the country

Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?

A: FULL

[nevadamedic]

Q: Why did God invent orgasms?

A: So blondes know when to stop screwing.

[nevadamedic]

This blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a peel and win sticker on her coffee cup. So, she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a mini-van."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home. "

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home, because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

So, she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads... ...WIN A BAGEL!

[nevadamedic]

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a blonde woman from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

[nevadamedic]

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?

A: If you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks.

[nevadamedic]

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat these same steps for 3 weeks. The next time you come here, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded..."I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping!"

[nevadamedic]

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?

A. The blonde has the higher sperm count.

[nevadamedic]

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son-of-a-bitch called back."

[nevadamedic]

Q. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

A. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."