Military Humor

[dirt mcgirt]

Q: How do you say hooah with a dick in your mouth?

A: I don't know I was in the Army. Go ask a Marine.

[dirt mcgirt]

The Colonel had distinguished himself in combat, but unfortunately he was wounded -- both of his ears were blown off. As a decorated hero, however, the Army allowed him to remain on active duty.

One day, the Colonel was part in charge of a selection board to determine whether or not potential E-7s would become First Sergeants.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, the Colonel asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the Soldier answered, "Why yes Sir, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

The Colonel got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a female, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, Sir, you have no ears."

The Colonel again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a sharp Soldier with an immaculate uniform. He was smart. He was rugged and no-nonsense and he seemed to be a better Soldier than the first two put together. The Colonel was anxious, but went ahead and asked the Soldier the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the Soldier answered: "Yes sir. You wear contact lenses." The colonel was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young Soldier replied, "Well sir, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

[dirt mcgirt]

The Captain called the First Sergeant in. "Top, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the First Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the First Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh and by the way Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the First Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Top, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the First Sergeant.

A few months later, the Captain called the First Sergeant in again. "Top, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the First Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"