A good joke I found.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Placed in the cage in case some think it not funny. --Tyr



"The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General. As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America." The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?" The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek." The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

ok, a few more just for the helluva it..:laugh:--Tyr


I'm Gonna Jump


In Mumbai, a man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Hindu cop to talk him down. Cop yells up to the

man "Don't jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."



The cop goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."



Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of Lord Krishna" Man replies "Who is that?"



Cop yells "Jump, Muslim! You're blocking traffic!"




Central Park
A college student is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He saves the girl's life, but the pit bull is killed in the process. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

ok a few more.. --Tyr


Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Islam beauty contest?
A: Me neither.


Q: A muslim, a socialist, and a communist walk into a bar.
A: The bartender says hello Mr. President.



Q: Why doesn't Gaddafi go out drinking?
A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?





Q: Why did the radical Muslim go to the airport and blow himself up?
A: He wanted to go everywhere.



Q. What can the Palestinians do to raise the average IQ in the West Bank?
A. Allow Jews to come in.


Last one for now but certainly not least is this one... I know the combat veterans will get a kick out of this joke.-Tyr


Q: How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite?
A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

ok , a few more just for kicks..


Q: Why don't they teach Driver's Ed and sex education on the same day in the Middle East?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.




Hillbilly Deputy Sheriff

One day a hillbilly walks into a police station because he wants to get a job as a deputy, which he's wanted to be his whole life. So he goes over to the sheriff's desk and says to the sheriff, 'I'm here to be a deputy.'
»
The sheriff laughs and says, 'Well let's see if you're qualified, son. The sheriff asks him a question and the hillbilly gives him an answer. The sheriff says, 'Close enough.'Hillbilly Sheriff

The sheriff then asks him, 'What are two days of the week that begin with 'T'?'
'Today and tomorrow,' says the hillbilly.

'Not what I was looking for but I'll give it to ya,' says the sheriff.

'Who shot Abraham Lincoln?' the sheriff asks.
The hillbilly just stands there with a blank look on his face.

'Why don't you go home, think about it and come back tomorrow,' the sheriff says to the hillbilly.
So the hillbilly goes home and his wife says to him, 'So sweetpea, did you get the job?'

'I think so, they've already put me on a murder case.'



Classic Tennessee Hillbilly Drunk Joke

George, the bartender, asks the Hillbilly, who is sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'

Hillbilly answers, 'Ah, I'll have a scotch, please.'

George hands him the drink, and says, 'That'll be $4.60,' to which the Hillbilly splutters, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'

Roger, a lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to George, the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'You must have a double

George was singularly unimpressed, so he says to the Hillbilly, 'OK, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me ever catch you in here again.'

The next day, the Hillbilly again, walks into the bar. George glowers and rasps, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back! 'The Hillbilly smiles and says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!'

George looks at the Hillbilly closely and mutters, 'I'm sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double. 'The Hillbilly, without missing a beat says, 'Thank you, bartender. Make it a scotch.'




An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Don't you still have those big red trucks?"




The Alabamian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. "No," he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?" "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."



An Alabamian hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln Continental. The Alabamian noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked, "What are those things for?" The driver said,
"They're to hold my balls while I drive."
"Boy," exclaimed the Alabamian, "these Lincoln Continentals have everything, don't they?"

And my favorite...-Tyr


25 ways to annoy a Yankee
•Take your own sweet time when doing anything.
•Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
•When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the heck out of 'em.
•Talk real slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
•When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
•Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
•Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
•Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
•Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
•Insist on being addressed by your first and middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie — John Michael — Jim Bob. — Jeb.)
•Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
•Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
•Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can".
•Put Tabasco on everything.
•For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!", say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"
•When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
•Name all of your children "Bubba".
•Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.
•"Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school.
•Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
•Tell them you don't have an accent,they do.
•Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations. Offends the heck out of 'em.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

two rednecks were walking along when they saw a dog licking his balls, one said i wish i could do that!! the other said, you dumbass he would bite you!




So a woman walks into a bar with her goose and gets a drink, moments later after being there a drunk man walks up and asks her : "Where did you get that Pig" and She says : "I'll have you know this is a goose" and the drunk man says :" I know, I was talking to the goose!"



Go Git Yo Mama


A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.


They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, Silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy, go git yo Momma...."

^^^^^ That one just slays me. :laugh2:--Tyr


The Healing Touch


An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.


The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat."


The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once again nodded that it was, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "on my bill."


As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back to his legs, got up and danced a jig right out the door.


Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.


Then Jesus walked up to the Redneck.


The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability!"



^^ This one does as well.-Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink,"
and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."


How can you tell if a Louisiana redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age
in Oklahoma to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.


A guy from Alabama passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow,
but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.


What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama?
Documentaries.


Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi.
If it would've been invented anywhere else,
it would have been called a teeth brush.


A Georgia state trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to
the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"


Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.


The governor's mansion in Alabama burned down!
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss, too.
Both books -- poof! -- up in flames
and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.


A new law was recently passed in Mississippi:
When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

--- :laugh::laugh:, Humor takes no prisoners and excludes nobody. --Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Redneck Computer Terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

Some of those are pretty good.. :laugh:-Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

It's A Boy...


Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.


"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's Yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.


"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

I've known at least two that were that stupid. They both always voted dem too. ;)--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid,
so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are
smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets
down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and
smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living
room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at
the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks
what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him
that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket
over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

In keeping with the spirit its time to break another taboo. A joke is a joke if its funny don't cry about it. I'll expect to be roundly condemned but I don't give a damn. I give no special status except to brave, courageous and honorable people , all the rest can kiss my ass. This one was funny so here it goes.




Tyrone' s 1st day in the first grade he comes home crying. When his mother ask why he replies . The teacher told us to say our abc' s and all the little white boys could say them and I could only get to e why is that. Mom says cause u black and they white. Next day Tyrone is crying again . What's wrong today Tyrone his mother ask. Tyrone said teacher told us to count to 100 and all the little white boys did but I could only get to 10 why is that. Mom says cause u black and they white. Next day he comes home smiling. What happened today Tyrone. Tyrone says mama we went to the bathroom and my thing was biggest of all . Is that cause I'm black and they white. Mama says no Tyrone it's cause you are 17 and they are just 6

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Lets not leave the Chinese out...



What do you call a fat Chinese prostitute?
Chun Ki Ho

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Some more taboo jokes. You see real freedom is joking ABOUT EVERYONE . No special exemptions due to liberal idiocy ..... No special status.. --Tyr





Q: What do you call a gay drive by?
A: "a fruit roll up."



Q: Why can't gays drive faster than 68mph?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.



Q: What do you call a gay cowboy?
A: A Jolly Rancher!



Q. Did you know 75% of the gay population were born that way?
A. The other 25% were sucked into it.



Q: What do you call a gay Jamaican guy?
A: Pokemon

[aboutime]

Tyr. I apologize for breaking up your line of jokes here. But I couldn't resist sharing this photo I received in my email today.

Sadly. The first person I thought of was MRS. OBAMA.

So...a Joke...is a Joke.....http://icansayit.com/images/OMG.jpg

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Tyr. I apologize for breaking up your line of jokes here. But I couldn't resist sharing this photo I received in my email today.

Sadly. The first person I thought of was MRS. OBAMA.

So...a Joke...is a Joke.....http://icansayit.com/images/OMG.jpg

That picture hurt my eyes and my mind!!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:--Tyr

[aboutime]

That picture hurt my eyes and my mind!!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:--Tyr



THAT'S why I started off with an APOLOGY!:laugh:

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."



A Police car pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway.
Glancing at the car he was astonished to see that the blond behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolled down his window and shouted "PULLOVER!".
The blonde rolled down her window and yelled back "NO, IT'S A SCARF!".



A car is driving down the street when all of a sudden it starts violently swerving across the road.
The car keeps going back and forth, delaying traffic for miles until someone finally phones the police.
A police officer pulls the car over and approaches the window. A blonde rolls down the window. "Excuse me, ma'am, but is there any explanation for your reckless driving?" he says.
The blonde says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. There was a tree in the road, and I swerved. Then I saw another tree, and another, right in the middle of the road! So I had to swerve to keep from hitting them!"
The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."



A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

My second wife was a natural blonde, was not dumb and was a very, very clever schemer. -Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Obama and 2 Pigs

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."...

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are Authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said, "Excellent trade, sir.

This one had me laughing because the sentiment expressed is real for many tens of millions of Americans.... :laugh::laugh::laugh: I'd call it the trade of the century myself. :laugh2:-Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Smartest ever Obama

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, Holly Madison said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to die." She took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, John McCain, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from an elite Navy unit from the United States of America." So he grabbed the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, Barack Obama said, "I am the President of the United States and I am the smartest ever in the history of our country, some even call me the 'Anointed One.'" So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Graham. There's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."

I'd place a bet that he is about that smart ..-Tyr


This one is even better!! -Tyr




A Texas Cowboy

A Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the Government." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy, "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business........ Now give me back my dog."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A Romantic Dinner



A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
restaurant.




They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress,
taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman
slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared
straight ahead.




The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of
sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight
ahead.



The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might
offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying
to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the
table."




The man calmly looked up at her and said: .........."No, she didn't. She
just walked in."

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:. -Tyr


---------------------------------------------------------------
he Dead Parrot

THE DEAD PARROT
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Rod."
"WHAT FUNERAL!!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wenig Exhibition Grade Stock.
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.
"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun, you're in deep do-do."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

^^^ This one slayed me.. Simply because I could see it really happening. :laugh::laugh::laugh:

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

School jokes
Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic." Father: "Why?" Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!" Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'" Father: "What's the fucking difference?" Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"



An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."


For Jafar.... I believe he will get a big kick out of this one!--Tyr


An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved Father, please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'. I love you, too, Ahmed" At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house. A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. "Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from here. I love you, Ahmed."



For the teachers here..-Tyr


Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Drummond will love this one methinks. Its about Brits and Americans.-Tyr



An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window." --- :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:-Tyr

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ok last one today, simply had to get this one !--Tyr




Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Little Johnny jokes


One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."




Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."




Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

:laugh2::laugh2::laugh2:--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"



Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue." :laugh::laugh::laugh: --Tyr



A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?” Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds” Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!” General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds” Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!” General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?” Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”



A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”

Last but not least these two below.-- -Tyr



A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."--:laugh::laugh::laugh:--Tyr



A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again." The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whisperes to the wife, "Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this." She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"--:laugh::laugh::laugh:--Tyr

[Drummond]

^^ This one does as well.-Tyr:clap::clap:

I think the Redneck's answer would also be very typical of some of our scrounging English people, who love our Welfare State so very much ...

[Drummond]

:laugh::laugh::laugh: --Tyr

I like the Falkland Islands one !!:cool:

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"



Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body. Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asks, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes." "What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician. "Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"


One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor askes her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other." "The bastard called again"



A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!" St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

I've been in cabs and prayed a few dozen times when in the Philippines!! If you have ever ridden in cabs there you will know exactly what I am talking about!!!!! Its damn sure not for those faint of heart.. -Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

ok one more..


A young country boy enters a big city barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the country boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The country boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young country boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The country boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Little Johnny and a little girl are playing. Little Johnny pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day Little Johnny and the girl are playing together again. Once again Little Johnny points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." But this time the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today," asks Little Johnny. "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these, I can get as many of those as I want."-- And mom was dead on the money-Tyr



A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."



The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."





Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.



A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.
Then they heard voices.
Three men had broken into the greenhouse.
Scared, they called the police.
The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.
The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.
He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"
In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!
One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. "
The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."



On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." Peter happily agreed They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?" Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." He nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And Peter just sat there... On the couch... Naked! That one hurt!!!

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.
This is tobe her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud,but everyone at the table heard thepouf.
Before she even had a chanceto be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate.
She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".
A few minutes laterthe woman had to let another one rip.
This time she didn't even think about it.
She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"--:laugh::laugh::laugh:

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.



Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."



"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."



The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."


Giving the wife back joke made me laugh because of my ex-wife... I would have outran even that cop methinks. :laugh:-Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".--:laugh:--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happenedd to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"



A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.. but sooooooo is uglyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..:laugh:--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear. “Never had an argument in all those years.” “Amazing,” said the councilor. “How did you do it?” “I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”



A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.



A cowboy rode up to the saloon, dismounted from his horse, and dusted himself off. He then walked around to the rear of his horse, lifted the tail and kissed it right on the rectum. As the cowboy walked into the saloon, the shocked barkeeper asked, "Did you just kiss your horse's butt?" The cowboy said, "Sure, I've got chapped lips." The stunned barkeep asked if this was an old Indian cure. The cowboy said, "Nope. But, sure as s**t, it keeps me from licking my lips!"

A great day for the race is it not?? -Tyr

[aboutime]

Tyr. The jokes are all great laughs. Reminded me of an endless supply....from old PLAYBOY magazines...on the back of the CENTERFOLDS.

I won't tell if You won't.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Tyr. The jokes are all great laughs. Reminded me of an endless supply....from old PLAYBOY magazines...on the back of the CENTERFOLDS.

I won't tell if You won't.
HAHA, haven't seen a playboy magazine in over 30 years now. Had friend back then that collected both playboy and penthouse. I mean every issue. I tried to tell him that they would not become valuable even as a mint collection but he held that they would. I laugh every time I think of that now. I bet he still collects both as if its going to be a bonanza someday. :laugh:--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast. "You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras." That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."

[jimnyc]

:)


A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women's deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!


Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.



Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."



This letter was sent to the School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

Dear Lions Bay School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to fuck off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Edna



Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[aboutime]

HAHA, haven't seen a playboy magazine in over 30 years now. Had friend back then that collected both playboy and penthouse. I mean every issue. I tried to tell him that they would not become valuable even as a mint collection but he held that they would. I laugh every time I think of that now. I bet he still collects both as if its going to be a bonanza someday. :laugh:--Tyr


:laugh: I know what you mean. Seriously. They are all great jokes. Doesn't matter where they came from. As the Old READERS DIGEST used to say..."LAUGHTER IS...THE BEST MEDICINE!"

Glad we are still sane enough to be able to laugh, while ROME falls around us.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

:)

Ive been blessed to have been with several such women and I often said "Oh my God" myself.
And next morning said, "O' my poor aching back" but gladly repeated the special "torture" the very next night. ;)--Tyr

[jimnyc]

Little Johnny was sitting in the park one day eating chocolate bars.

An old man comes along and sits next to him.

Little Johnny proceeds to eat more bars.

After the forth bar the man says to him don't you think your eating too many chocolate bars.

Little Johnny tells says to him my grandfather lived to be 110 years old.

The old man looking surprised said really from eating a lot of chocolate bars like that.

Little Johnny says no from minding his own fucking business.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her.

To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

[jimnyc]

Yikes! :eek:


What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

[jimnyc]

These are rotten and offensive jokes, read no further if offended by such jokes!!



An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.

The teacher says, 'Save the children!'

The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'

The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'


A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree. A caterpillar gets on the Romanian's shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it. Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and ask the Somali: "Do you want to buy a caterpillar?"


Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"


A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.

After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it.
The father screams "What the hell are you doing?" The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"


A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas. So the poor man asks the rich man, "what are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says "well, if she doesn't like the earrings she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him "so, what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "a pair of slippers and a dildo." The rich man asks "why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds "this way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."


I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow. I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels. I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see America's most wanted fucking stage a reconstruction of that.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Little Johnny jokes
One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard. The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate. "Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked. "My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied. "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor. "That's because he's inside your cat!"




A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

So true!! --Tyr



Two boys go into a forest and walk around. Suddenly they see a naked women, then one of the boys run away. The other chases after him. The boy asked "Why did u run away?" The other said "My mom told me if i saw a naked women i'd turn to stone, i already felt something getting getting hard."



While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "For fuck sake, you bastard, it's 2am in the fucking morning!!"



A man came home, screeching his car into the driveway, and ran into the house. He slammed the door and shouted excitedly, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery!" The wife said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," he said, "Just get out."


Last but not least is this-- Tyr



Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"



How does an LA policeman go fishing? He catches one fish, then beats it until it tells him where the others are. --The Rev would have really liked this one!!--Tyr


A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding. She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding." The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say? The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license." The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town. The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there. The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He says he knows you."


A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!" Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!" The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune." The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?" The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."



A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices. The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000." The client asked, "What? How's that possible?" The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"



A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"


Use to be we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steven Jobs. Now we have no hope, no cash, and no jobs. Please do not die Kevin Bacon.



Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic. Alex was crying very loudly. Johnny: Why are you crying? Alex: I came here for a blood test. Johnny: So? Are you afraid? Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger. After hearing this Johnny started weeping making Alex feel surprised as well as curious and Alex asked: Why are you crying now? Johnny: I came for a urine test! Ouchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...:laugh:-Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.” The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer. The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”



A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of all liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of all lawyers,' so I let it go."

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”



In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner: "Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?" "No." "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" "Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight. The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes. The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please

There is a great deal of truth in that one. Noted that there are exceptions and such women are gems that are worth far more than their weight in diamonds and gold..
A man must first look for a good women if ever he is to find one. They just don't fall out of trees landing at your feet.. :laugh:-Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A man was strolling along a beach in California. On giving the sand a kick he struck a corked bottle. He bent down, picked it up and removed the cork. Immediately, a Genie came out of the bottle and said to him, "Master, I have been a prisoner in this bottle for a thousand years and now you have set me free. For that, I will grant you one wish." The man thought for a moment then said, "I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am afraid to fly and I get sick on a ship. Could you build a highway from California to Hawaii?" "Master, that is a difficult wish to fulfill. Can you think of something that is more practical?" The man thought for a moment and said, "Could you tell me why women are the way they are?" The Genie thought for a moment before replying, "Would that be two lanes or four?"



There is a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''



A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am." The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more." The man below responded, "You must be in management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"


Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats he stands up stretches and pulls out a gun shooting everyone in the room but the bartender. The panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the panda shot everyone. The panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia. The bartender looks up panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."!



A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor are sitting in a bar, across the street from a brothel. They are sipping their drinks when they see a rabbi walk in to the brothel. "Oy! It's awful to see a man of the cloth give into temptation", says the rabbi.
A short while later, they see a pastor walk into the brothel. "Damn! It's terrible to see a man of the cloth give into such temptation", says the pastor.
In a little bit, they see a priest enter the brothel.
"It's nice to see the ladies, who have been used so poorly, have time to confess their sins", says the priest.



A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"



Two guys are sitting at a bar. One guy says to the other, "Do you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?". The other guy says, "Damn, I just joined the Rotary Club."



A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.


Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."-:laugh::laugh::laugh:..



Guy walks into a bar and pulls a tiny grand piano out of his pocket. Then he pulls out a little guy who sits down and begins to play. "Where'd ya get that?" bartender asks. "I have a magic bottle; you rub it and get a wish," customer replies. Customer agrees to let bartender try it, and pulls a grungy old whiskey bottle from his pocket. Bartender rubs it, and the room fills up with ducks, flying everywhere. "I didn't wish for a million 'ducks'," says bartender.
"So, did you think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?" responds customer

:laugh::laugh::laugh: :clap:--Tyr


Laughter is medicine for the soul.--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."




For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free”. Here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage… Tossed this one in for the ladies here. ;)--Tyr



How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.




A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.'':laugh::laugh:-Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

So much truth in such a short reply!!!!

This is why humor is so great it highlights truth often and knocks down the right clowns sometimes. --Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A man's driving happily along in his car when he's pulled over by the police. The policeman approaches him and asks "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "have I got a fat chick in my car?"




A local charity organization realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the donation seeker mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The person coming for donation began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister`s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer`s voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The person who came asking for donation felt completely humiliated and said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don`t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

:laugh::laugh::laugh:, I know a lawyer just about like that..-Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now." I LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!



The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.



Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”





A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.” The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”


never stand in another line!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:. Only promise I've ever broken was a promised I made to myself. To piss on the grave of my hometown chief of police.. So far I've been able to find out he died in the early 90's but nobody seems to know where he is buried. I suspect the bastard was cremated and my vow shall never be honored. -Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."




Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over", he said.


Two NBA basketball referees were walking through the countryside and they noticed some tracks. The first said, "Deer tracks?" "No," replied the second, "Bear tracks." The conversation ended abruptly when the train hit them.


One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing. To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

Fishing took a high place in my youth second only to my hunting..... later took third place to my hunting and girl chasin'.... :laugh:--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."



A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."



"What do you want to be when you grow up?" "A doctor?" "And why's that?" "Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."



There are four people from different counties on the Empire State Building. One is Japanese, one is French, one is Mexican, and one is American. They all want to throw something off the building that they have a lot of in their country. The Japanese guy goes first. He throws off sushi. There is a lot of sushi in my country. Next is the French guy. He throws off a condom. There is too much love in my country. Next is the Mexican. He throws off a taco. There is too much taco in my country. Next goes the American. He looks around him and picks the Mexican up and throws him of the building and says: There are too much illegal Mexicans in my country.

Truth in all of them..--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

“Oh, I sure am glad to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother (on his mother’s side). “Now Daddy will do the trick he’s been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked. “He told Mommy that he’d climb the walls if you came to visit,” answered the boy.



Herm is 85 years old and retired. He gets a checkup with his physician. A week or so afteward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female. The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you must be feeling terrific, yes?” Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful." The physician exclaims, “Herm, that's not what I told you! I said, ‘Your heart's got a murmur. Be careful.’”



A retiree said to his 80 year old friend, “It it true you’re getting married?” “Sure is.” “Have I met her?” “I don't think so.” “Is she attractive?” “Won't win any beauty contests.” “Can she cook?” “Can't even boil an egg.” “Is she rich?” “Rich? Heck, she's so poor she can't even pay attention.” “She must be great in the sack then?” “I haven't actually found out.” “My God, man, why are you marrying her?” “She can still drive.”:laugh::laugh:

Being driven is important . My Mom doesn't drive and must be taken everywhere she needs to go..-Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Harry applies for a job at a finance company, the manager tells him the job is his if he can crack their toughest account. Harry goes off and comes back two hours later having recovered the entire amount. ‘Amazing!’ says the manager. ‘How did you do it?’ ‘Easy,’ replies Harry. ‘I said that if he didn’t pay us, I’d tell all his other creditors he had.’



The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters. In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes. Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon. He told his Syrian guest, “Take anything you want – our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.” “No, no – you don’t understand!” the Syrian replied. “Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!”



A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed. "What happened?", his buddy asked. "Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump." "What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned. "Well the jump sargeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!" "Did you jump?" "Well, a little at first."



A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel ready for them.” The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: “BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!” The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. “So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?” he asked. The Sergeant replied, “Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town.”

Doesn't every established military base have its local "service ladies' just waiting for the soldier's payday every month! -:laugh:--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

“C’mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded to my elderly Mother. I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought.

“Ok” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?”

“Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained. “OK here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question.” I confidently assured her.

My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type,

How is Gertrude doing this morning?





"Hey guys who wants to hear a blonde joke?” Said a blind old man after settling himself down on a stool in the bar. The question was met with dead silent After a few second pause, the bartender walked up to the blind fella and put his face right up to his nose and said in a deep menacing voice. “I’m blond and I don’t appreciate blonde jokes! My wife is right next to me, she’s blonde and she doesn’t either appreciate blonde jokes. And best of all, on your right is a blond bodybuilder who I’m pretty sure doesn’t like blonde jokes either! Would you still like to say that joke?”

“HELL NO!” Said the blind fella, “NOT IF I’M GOING TO HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE DARN JOKE THAT MANY TIMES!




Wife – I’m only 40 years old but I look like I’m over 55. My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is starting to thin!

Husband – At least your eyesight seems to still be working fine!




So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. “Ma”, he said to his Mother, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.” Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. “It’s that one”, said his mother, without blinking an eye. ”Holy cow”, exclaimed David, “how in the world did you know it was her?” “I just don’t like her”, she replied.



I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, “wow, how did you do that.” I would tell you”, answered the magician predictably, “but then I’d have to kill you.” After a moments pause the same voice screamed out “can you tell my mother in law?”

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Donkey In The Well


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.


Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.


He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.


At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.


A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.


As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!


Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.


NOW --------


Enough of that crap . . .


The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:


When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.



Say Partner


A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.


He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.


No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"


Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.


The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"


The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."







Where's My Washcloth?


I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we've made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."





A pirate at the local bar discusses his past


A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.


The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."


"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."


"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.


"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Twins


An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.


Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."


"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl."


The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."


At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".



Overcrowded Church


The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.


One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.


The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"


Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.


After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.


The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."








Lion Tamer


A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.


The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"


The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.


The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.


The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"


"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."






Town Hall Meeting


The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist.


The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased. A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."


The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor.


"Crap!" said the hypnotist.


It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.





Just get the lion out of the way.... :laugh::laugh::laugh:--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Gorilla Removal Service


This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.


"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there." An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls.


When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on."


The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the damn dog!"



Final Exam


Four college friends were so confident that the
weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas
and party with some friends up there. They had a
great time. However, after all the partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until
early Monday morning.


Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find
their professor after the final and explain to him why
they missed it.


They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the
weekend with the plan to come back and study but,
unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back,
didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long
time. As a result, they missed the final.


The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could
make up the final the following day. The guys were
elated and relieved.


They studied that night and went in the next day at the
time the professor had told them. He placed them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet,
and told them to begin.


They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was
something simple about free radical formation. "Cool,"
they thought at the same time, each one in his
separate room. "This is going to be easy."


Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On
the second page was written:


(For 95 points): Which tire?






Chain Saw


A Democrat walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour.


The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Democrat is suitably impressed, and buys it.


The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!


The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Democrat says, "What's that noise?"



I've known some that were not even that bright. :laugh:-Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Red Light

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is:
Always tell the truth and you will never get screwed..



Magician And Parrot

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, " It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, " It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's perform- ances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him.

Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"All right I give up ..." chirped the parrot, "... What have you done with the damn ship"









Certain Things In Life

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer








The Trained Dog

There is a guy who has a dog that doesn't obey him. Then he sees an ad in the paper for a great dog trainer. So, he decides to go to the dog trainer and get his dog trained.

The guy walks in the room and asks, "Can you train my dog, and are you a good trainer?"

The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I will give you a demonstration of how good I am."

He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle.

The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones.

"Wow!" said the guy, "What kind of dog is that?" "That's a nurse's dog," said the trainer.

Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room.

That dog makes a big building. The man says, "Wow! What kind of dog is that?"

"That's an architect's dog," replies the trainer.

Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes in. That dog takes the bones,

Screws the other two dogs and runs away.

"Wow! What kind of dog is that?" says the man. "That's a lawyer's dog!"


My friend the attorney told me that one long ago..-- :laugh:-Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.

Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."




Hunting Dog

This man wanted to buy a hunting dog. He heard of this guy who had a dog for sale, so he went to check it out. They get the dog out to the woods and the owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!"

The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks once. The man asked the owner "What does that mean?"

The owner says "Well, he barked once, that means he saw one rabbit."

The guy says "OK, let's see it again."

The owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!" The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks twice.

The guy asks "OK, what does that mean?"

The owner says "Well, he barked twice, that means he saw two rabbits."

The guy says "OK, one more time and he's sold." The owner snaps his fingers, the dog takes off, comes back carrying a stick and starts to hump his owners leg.

The guy says "WHAT! does that mean?

The owner says "Well, that means he just saw more fuckin' rabbits than you can shake a stick at!"




A Knight In A Storm

A medieval knight was on a quest for his king when his horse became frightened by the lightning of a terrible storm and became lame. He went to a nearby castle in the downpour, told its gatekeeper of his problem, and asked to borrow a horse.

The gatekeeper replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but we have no horses to spare."

Just then, the knight noticed a huge Great Dane nearby large enough to ride. "Well, then, may I ride your Great Dane instead?"

"Are you kidding?" replied the gatekeeper. "I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this!"




"On a dog like this"---:laugh::laugh::laugh:

Made me think of some of the "dogs" my buddies "rode".
O' yes any port in a storm they believed in. Its just that at closing times the "ports"(bar dogs) often looked a few hundred times worse than the storm!!-:laugh:
And they found that out a few days later at the Doc's office! :laugh::laugh::laugh:

I always told them blind luck doesn't fit them well. In their cases it was blind yuck!!! ;)---Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

OK, one more because I once had a boss this reminded me of!-Tyr




Hi Tech Monkey

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000!What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object- oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A Man and his Headache


Rudolph had enjoyed a fairly long, successful and happy life. In recent years, however, he had experienced some incredibly painful headaches. The headaches became so frequent and so painful that ordinary pain killers had no effect on his condition. His career and his daily life were being hurt by his malady. He decided to see a doctor about his condition.


He was referred from one specialist to another, to no avail, until he finally found a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches," said the doctor. "The bad news is it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."


Rudolph was shocked and depressed. But since the headache made it impossible for him to concentrate long enough to answer, he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.


When he left the hospital, his mind was clear and free from pain.Ê He felt like a different person. He realized he could make a new beginning in life.


He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit!" He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Rudolph laughed, "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job," replied the salesman.


Rudolph tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Rudolph admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Rudolph thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve, 16 1/2 neck." Rudolph was surprised. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."


Rudolph tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Rudolph adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Rudolph was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Rudolph's feet and said, "Let's see...9 1/2 wide." Rudolph was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."


Rudolph tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Rudolph walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating Rudolph replied, "Sure." The salesman eyed Rudolph's head and said, "Let's see...7 5/8." Rudolph was incredulous. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."


The hat fit perfectly. Rudolph was feeling great. Then the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Rudolph thought for a moment, but then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Rudolph's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."


Rudolph laughed. "No, you finally got one wrong. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."


The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."



Teddy Bears


A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.


The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!


She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...


After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."





The New Maid


A guy dials his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"


"This is the maid," answered the woman.


"We don't have a maid!"


"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."


"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"


"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."


The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"


"What do I have to do?"


"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."


The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.


The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"


"Throw them in the swimming pool!"


"What pool?"


"Uh..... Is this 832-4821?"





Italian Cookies


An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of
his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.


Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands,
he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe,
gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on
the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.


The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie
at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."





For the funeral,,, :laugh::laugh::laugh:--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

OK, one more simply because this one is so damn good!


Myths About Sexuality


A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.


Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago".


He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"


"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."


"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends just call me Bubba."


Bubba..... :laugh2:--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Driving Home Drunk


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.


A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.


"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.


"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"


"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


One Wish


Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.


Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"


The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.


Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.


One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
we're going to have to piss in the boat."


Meet the Devil


Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.
Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either.


So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.


As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".


Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?".


Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".


To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."



I seem to recall marrying one of Lucifer's sisters too.-- :laugh:-Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Nith Horth

A guy calls his buddy , the horse rancher , and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

The midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse?

"A female horth."

So they go down by the lake and he shows the midget a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?"

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nithe mouf, can I thee her twat?"

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs the midget, calls him a @#$% pervert and throws him in the lake!

The midget struggles out of the lake, gets up, sputtering and coughing and says:

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?"

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Selling The Green Suit

A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit, he will give him a job.

Another employee points out to the owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.

The owner replies, "Yah, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest!"

Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.

The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.

"Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit. But tell me, what in the world happened to you"?

"Well, replied the salesman, the guy that bought the suit loved it. He said it fit him great. As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!"



Nightstick

Two men are driving through New Jersey when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the Trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the devil was that for?"

The Trooper answers, "You're in New Jersey son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The Trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the Trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The Trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The Trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that jerk would've tried that stunt with me!"






Everything Is Bigger

On a family vacation in Texas, my brother-in-law Mike exhibited the Exuberance of a tourist. At a diner, he and his brothers ordered
Cheeseburgers. When his meal arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its Size.

"Wow," he exclaimed, "everything is bigger in Texas!"

As he lifted the burger to his lips, his eyes met the cold stare of a 300-pound waitress.



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Three men, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and President Bush are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total,' says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.' With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels can come into our precious state.' Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

'President Bush, asks, 'I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable.'

President Bush says, 'Very impressive. Fill it with water.'

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Alligators

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, 'Are there any gators around here?!'

'Naw,' the man hollered back, 'they ain't been around for years!'

'Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, 'How'd you get rid of the gators?'

'We didn't do nothin',' the beachcomber said.

'The sharks got 'em.'



An American was waiting on a London street corner.

An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.

"A bit airy..." remarked the American.

Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly," 'ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"




Truth Of The Matter

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!"

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."






:laugh::laugh::laugh: , " so does Hillary"--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A Texan In Ballincla..

A big Texan is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.

This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want.

Liam says, O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days.

Hey, Boy, says the Texan, Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine.

I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im, says Liam.

The Texan is getting angry now. Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now.

Oh well, says Liam, $2000.00US.

Deal! says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.

The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Liam and says, Hey, Boy, you a damn swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!

I keep tellin' you he don't look too good, says Liam, and you kept saying that's none of my business, so in the end I gave up.



Perfect Timing

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. "Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?" asked the man. "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow," replied the cabby.








Fish To Bite

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.

He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"worms warm" everybody knows that only works with crickets.. :laugh:--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Christmas Eve At The Pearly Gates


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins.....




Rodney Dangerfield At The Pearly Gates


I tell ya, he don't get no respect at all...


Rodney Dangerfield arrives at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter says to him,
"Tell me what you did in life that makes you worthy of coming in."


Rodney says, "That's easy. I made people laugh."


St. Peter responds, "God gave you your looks, I want to know what YOU did."


(A Jeff Clouse original.)


Reward For Goodness


Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question.
If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....
Hell is waiting for you.


To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat
on your wife?"
The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband.
I never cheated on my wife."
The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in,
but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion
and a limo for your transportation.


To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat
on your wife?"
The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your
unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.


To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you
cheat on your wife?"
The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness,
you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.


A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying
his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked.
"You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied,
"I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago,
and she was riding a skateboard!"

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Christmas Eve At The Pearly Gates


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins.....




Rodney Dangerfield At The Pearly Gates


I tell ya, he don't get no respect at all...


Rodney Dangerfield arrives at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter says to him,
"Tell me what you did in life that makes you worthy of coming in."


Rodney says, "That's easy. I made people laugh."


St. Peter responds, "God gave you your looks, I want to know what YOU did."


(A Jeff Clouse original.)



Reward For Goodness


Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question.
If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....
Hell is waiting for you.


To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat
on your wife?"
The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband.
I never cheated on my wife."
The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in,
but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion
and a limo for your transportation.


To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat
on your wife?"
The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your
unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.


To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you
cheat on your wife?"
The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness,
you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.


A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying
his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked.
"You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied,
"I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago,
and she was riding a skateboard"



I knew guys that their wife would be pushing a cart full of skateboards...:laugh:
And no not on my account either.
One whose wife would be lucky to get a pogo stick.. :laugh: --Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

The Drowning Vat


Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.


The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."


She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"


"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.


One Day While Scaffolding


Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"





True story from Orange County, California:


A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.

This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.



Cali,, I can believe it!! :laugh::laugh::laugh:-Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Assign The Punishment


Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett,
they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled
to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest
woman they had ever seen.
She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.


The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"
And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.


This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when
a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of
womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick
black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"
And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.


Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst
when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see
the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.


Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman,
dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned."


Is The Wife In Control?


Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth
and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."



Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone
and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long,
on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.



God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud.
Learn from him!"
Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man said, "I don't know.
My wife told me to stand here."








At Heavens Gate!

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the
Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting around were her parents
and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw
her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello! How are you! We've been
waiting for you! Good to see you!"
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled LOVE and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About three years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to
watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the
Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman
said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were
ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in
and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the
world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski
hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
~~
~~
~~
~~
~~
"Czechoslovakia."


A Forester And A Lawyer


A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the
pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and
takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They
get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which
turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road
paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to
the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity,
enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.


Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond
studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of
gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an
unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes
to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the
lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"


St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here,
we have never had a lawyer before."








Oh Lordy!


A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.


Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"


The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."


So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."


Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."


"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"


"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."




While in Cebu I had to take many cab rides, trust me I prayed, and I prayed and I prayed both before and after each ride!-- :laugh:--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Horse Thief

Two horse thieves were arrested by a posse of cowboys, who decide to hang them for their crimes. Unable to find any trees, the cowboys take the rustlers to a bridge and tie a rope around the first man's neck. Unfortunately, the rope breaks and the theif falls into the river below and he swims off to safety.

As they tightened the noose around the second man's neck, he manages to stammer... "I sure hope t-t-this is a strong rope."

"Why's that?" asks one of the cowboys.

"Because," gulped the thief, "I can't swim!"



Ordering Coffee

John and Jake went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid in to a booth, John wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table. The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said John, "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee, too," Jake said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you clowns wanted the clean cup?"





Hard To Find

Two guys from Blount County are sittin' in a boat on Douglas Lake fishing and suckin' down beer when all of a sudden Bill says,

"I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Earl sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."




Cold Winter

During the first part of Autumn, the Indians asked their Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replied that the winter was going to be very cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "Yes, this winter will be quite cold indeed."

Hearing that, the Chief went back to speed up his people in their efforts of collecting wood so that they would be prepared for the coming season.

A week later he again called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, without a doubt, that this winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man on the phone replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"


Memory Clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, and association. It made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank and he thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife . . . "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel that one too much lately myself.. :laugh:--Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Farmer's Daughters Dates


There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact, he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun.

At 5:30 Friday night, there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, "Hello, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bettie, we're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?".

The farmer paused, then said "Ok, she's ready" .

Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said" Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show. She ready to go?".

The farmer paused again and said "yeah, she's ready".

A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said "Hello, my name is Chuck..... " and the farmer shot him.


Blizzard


There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.

A grizzled old farmer answered and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night. 'Why sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk,' said the hospitable old man. 'But, I ain't got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes.'

'Oh!' said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two said, 'Just how far is it to the next house?'






[QUOTE]Perfect Woman


An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want,"

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified, the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."

[/QUOTE



Chinese Farmer's Daughter


A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Top 15 country songs for 2014


15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You


14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me


13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?


12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well


11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better


10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win


9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight


8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here


7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now


6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him


5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger


4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly


3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure


2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer


- - - And, the Number 1 Favorite Country Song of 2014 Is:


1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Whaling Ship


Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years before.


Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female, "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales."


The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.


Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats.


Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells, "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"


Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Look", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"


Tall Tales


Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prarie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.


The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."


The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."


The third cowboy remained silent, silently stirring the coals with his hands.







Manager Please


A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.


"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.


"Actually, no" the man replies.


"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.


"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"


"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.


"What should I tell him?" the aroused bartender manages to say.


"Tell him," she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."







Great Memory


The devil told the pope, "No one in the world has a better memory than I do."


The Pope responded, "Oh! Well I know this Indian guy who has the best
memory in the world and I'll even prove it."


Then the devil replied, "OK, I'll take your offer and if I have a better
memory I get your soul."


"It's a deal," replied the Pope.


Then they shook hands to make the deal official.


They went to a remote village in North America to bring out the deal.
There they met Roaming Bull (the Indian the Pope was talking about).


The devil asked him, "Do you like eggs?"


The Indian replied, "Yes."


50 years passed. Everyone is still alive and has forgotten about the
deal. However the devil remembered the deal, and went back to the
village in North America and greeted the Indian saying, "How."


The Indian replied, "Scrambled."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Three Guys


Three guys were driving in a car when it broke down. One was Irish, one Itlian, and one Polish.

When there car broke down they walked to the nearest house. It was raining so they asked if they could stay the night.

The farmer said yes as long as they didn't touch his daughter.

So that night, the farmers hot daughter invited the Irish guy to her room, but to get to her room they had to walk past the farmers room where his cat slept in the doorway.

The Irish guy goes over and the floor squeeks, the farmer wakes up and says "What was that?"

The irish guy quickly went "meeeeoowww".The farmer went back to sleep and Irish guy went to the girls room and they had sex.

Next she wanted the Italian guy, so he went over and the same thing happened, the floor squeeked, farmer wakes up, "meeeowww", farmer goes back to sleep.

Finally the Polish guy goes over, and the floor squeeks, the farmer asks agiain "What was that?",

The Polish guy responds, "Its me the cat!"

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Perfect Woman


An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want,"

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified, the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chinese Farmer's Daughter


A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girls Night Out


Two wives go out for girls night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee.

They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with.

One used her panties the other grabbed a wreath off a grave.

The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties."

The other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read "from all of us at the fire station... we'll never forget you"!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

"Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I brought you a drink?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the pub is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The man responds, at the top of his lungs, "No I will not pay $200!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself. "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"
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An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
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Humor, soothes the soul and often gives a great perspective on our daily lives --Tyr

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

It was raining quite hard as Marine trainees assembled outdoors for a briefing. On a blackboard, the lieutenant instructor had prepared a detailed drawing of the tactics he wanted practiced.

"Don't think we're going to call this off just because of a little rain," he said.

Then he turned to the blackboard which had been washed clean.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks whats in the box.

The man says I'll show ya' if you get me a beer.

So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano!

Next the bar tender asks hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?

The man says I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer. So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says I got it from a geenie and a lamp

The bar tender says If ya' let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer.

The man says Oh, Okay!

The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.

The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!

The geenie says Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?

The bar tender says I wish for a million bucks!!! And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room. What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!

And the man says Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched pianist!
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A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

"Well," said her mother, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon as wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
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Texas Rancher was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and sai, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and












now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
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[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune....



"One US soldier is better than ten Taliban"



The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then ssilence. The voice then call out.....



"One US soldier is better than one hundred Taliban"



Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again....



"One US soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".



The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.



Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander..... "Don't send any more men... it's a trap... there's two of them!"...

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A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, son?" Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12-incher!"
Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?"
"Just a little at first" said the son.
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Things to Remember During a War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.

8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.

9. You are not Tom Cruise.

10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.

11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.

14. Smart bombs have bad days too.

15. The best defense is to stay out of range.

16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Jokes about men
We are already 2 years together with my girlfriend and decided to get married. My parents helped as much as they could and all my my friends said it’s a really good idea! My girlfriend? She is a dream! But there is something that bothers me! This something is her little sister… This is my future 20 years old sister-in-law , wearing a super skinny, mini skirts and short blouses. Always lean ahead and I was often lucky to see her underwear. She never did that in front of someone else! One day she calls me and asks me to go home to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone. She whispered that soon I get married and that she has feelings for me for long time and that she thinks she cann’t overcome them. She also said that she desperately wanted to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister. I was shocked and could not say a word… She said to me that she goes to bed and asked if I wanted to go up with her. I froze and looked at her going up the stairs. Going up, she took her panties off and threw it at me. I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door. I opened it and I walked to the car. My future father-in-law was standing outside with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!" Moral Lesson: Always keep your condoms in your car!

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Alcohol jokes
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"
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Dirty jokes
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
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School jokes
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Harry: “9″. Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Harry: “36″. And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.” The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Harry both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment, “Legs.” Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied, “Pockets.” Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants” Teacher: "What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" Harry: Coconut The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Harry: "Bubblegum" Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Shake hands" Teacher: "Now I will ask some “Who am I sort of questions, okay?" Harry: "Yep." Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Harry: "Tent" Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first." Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Harry: "Wedding Ring" Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." Harry: "Nose" Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." Harry: "Arrow" Teacher: "What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”
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[DLT]

Placed in the cage in case some think it not funny. --Tyr

HAhahaha! (if only)

I'm a life-long Trekkie ...but I've never heard that one.

[jimnyc]

Placed in the cage in case some think it not funny. --Tyr

Forgot about this until you posted and saw a reply this morn! I'm moving to the humor section. I understand why you put it here, but we're all adults. Besides, if in humor section, then it shows in last 10 posts and will get more attention. We can all always use some more humor in our lives!

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Name? Abdul Aziz. Sex? Three to five times a day. No, no...I mean male or female? Yes, male, female, sometimes camel. Holy cow! Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. But isn't that hostile? Horse style, doggy style, any style! Oh dear! No, no! Deer run too fast...


A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."


Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

A man gets shipwrecked on a small island. After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftan. The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes al three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief. "Fair enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them." The priest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests. "In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftan's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take no more." The man agrees to the tests and begins the first test. Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut. The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps. He goes into the second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and scratches. He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206″: Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn’t stop."
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In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Greek, The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Greek.
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Once upon time, there were three friends playing on a beach. One kid's parents were good business people. The second kid lives in a good family where he is taught to respect his elders. The third kid was a poor redneck with an abusive father. Anyways, they were playing on the beach when a helicopter crashed down into the water. They saw a man drowning and all raced to save him. As they pulled the man to shore they realized it was Obama. The president then said, "Thank you kids for saving me! I'll give you each one wish!" The first kid said he wanted a helicopter. The second kid wished for some money. And the redneck asked for a wheel chair. Obama, concerned, asked why the poor boy wouldn't want some money for his family.
The kid replied, "Cause when pap finds out what I've done, I ain't gonna be walking for a pretty long time."
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A zebra has wondered his whole life whether he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes. When he dies and goes to heaven he asks God the question "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?" God responds, "You are what you are" The zebra goes to his friends and tells them what God had said and that he still doesn't know the answer to his question.
One of his friends says, "Well, that means you are a white zebra with black stripes" The zebra asks him why and the friend says, "Because otherwise God would have said 'You is what you is'"

[gabosaurus]

A redneck goes to a whorehouse and tells the madam he only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for a bit, then says, "Betsy. She's down the hall, last door on the left."

The redneck walks down, sees Betsy -- she's not the best looking, but she would do. He puts it in and it's the worst feeling he's ever had on his dick -- like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. "Um. something's wrong, can you do something about that?" Betsy crinkles her face, then says, "Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks." She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time.

The redneck puts it back in and now, it's the complete opposite: it's the best feeling he's ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, "oh my god... that felt amazing... what did you do??" Betsy smiles, and says, "for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs."

[LongTermGuy]

~ Trophy Wife ~

`............Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."`

[Bilgerat]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and several thousand US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a Thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him, "I thought you would show your generosity again, & would give me another BMW, diamonds, and money, but you only gave me a Thank-you Card and a box of Quality Street."

To this the Arab replied, "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins."

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds and several thousand US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a Thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him, "I thought you would show your generosity again, & would give me another BMW, diamonds, and money, but you only gave me a Thank-you Card and a box of Quality Street."

To this the Arab replied, "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins."
lol, had it been an Irishman , a case of whiskey would have been bought to send but never got there as it'd been drank the first few days. :laugh:

[Drummond]

lol, had it been an Irishman , a case of whiskey would have been bought to send but never got there as it'd been drank the first few days. :laugh:

If it had been a Welshman, the sentence would've been spoken 'in code' (Welsh language) ...:laugh:

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Donkey In The Well

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.


Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.


He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.


At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.


A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.


As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!


Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.


NOW -------- Enough of that crap . . .


The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:


When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.


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Biology Exam

Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."


Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.


Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.


Miss Jones, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."


"Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

-------------------------------------------------------

American History

It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"


She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." he said.


"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?


Again, no response, except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki


The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."


She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."


At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"


Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."


Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,


"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"


Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."


Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."


The teacher fainted.

[revelarts]

https://scontent-3.22773.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10259847_1030709216946649_2325430043226200897_n.jp g?oh=8bd1a4250a692210e0164996474fe6a3&oe=55FB0D33

[Perianne]

A blonde calls her mom... Blonde: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!" Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?" Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

[revelarts]

Bad analogy dad but funny


'Dad, what's Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies,
'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep dooky.'

[Balu]

Three times thieves stole the museum's paintings of Malevich "Black Square". And every time the museum's keeper Petrovich managed to restore a Masterpiece until the morning .