Teaching my daughter how to deal with bullies

[gabosaurus]

I was worried about my daughter being fairly quiet after school last week. Usually she is pretty upbeat and talkative. Towards the end of the week, she asked to talk with my brother-in-law, who is pretty much her hero in life. He has taught her self defense and given her advice he gained from living on the dark side. So I took her over to spend the weekend with my sister.
Turns out was uneasy about dealing with a couple of bullies in school. They are the worst type bullies -- very sweet and cooperative with teachers, but really nasty to certain kids when no one else is around. Apparently he gave her the right advice, because she was back to normal today. Though I am now waiting for the phone call from one of the kid's moms about their child laying in a ditch someplace. My brother in law does not teach you how to fight fair. :cool:

[KitchenKitten99]

Good because as your daughter is finding out... life is NOT fair. Nor will it ever be. She is being taught to not take sh!t laying down and playing victim. Good for her and your BIL. This does more for her self-confidence and her self-esteem will develop naturally. I wish I had guys like your BIL (or a father like him) in my life growing up. I wouldn't have spent so much time thinking I was just a victim, with no defense.

[gabosaurus]

I am a bit more passive in that regard. My brother-in-law, having skipped high school to be part of a Latin street gang, knows otherwise. Hre has taught my daughter how to escape from larger attackers. He also preaches street defense, which is more commonly referred to as "playing dirty." It starts with avoiding anyone who doesn't attack you, no matter what kind of provocation they offer. If they come at you, it's on. There are "soft spots" that everyone has -- kneecaps, groin or lower stomach, the area right below the breast bone and the temples. This is why women should always have fingernails (real ones).

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

I am a bit more passive in that regard. My brother-in-law, having skipped high school to be part of a Latin street gang, knows otherwise. Hre has taught my daughter how to escape from larger attackers. He also preaches street defense, which is more commonly referred to as "playing dirty." It starts with avoiding anyone who doesn't attack you, no matter what kind of provocation they offer. If they come at you, it's on. There are "soft spots" that everyone has -- kneecaps, groin or lower stomach, the area right below the breast bone and the temples. This is why women should always have fingernails (real ones). Street fighting has no rules so anything goes. Ive seen guys stick their thumb in their opponents eyes, etc. If one is very good at fighting no need to engage in similar with the opponent. I've fought a great many guys that did anything possible during a fight and have the scars to prove but I only did the same twice. Both times I picked up what was handy and used it because the other guy had a knife in his hand. Once back in the early 70's guy waited for me to leave the tavern and had a knife ,I saw the knife grabbed a glass coke bottle that was on the window sill and threw it with all I could muster. Hit him squarely in the forehead and split it wide open . Also it knocked him silly and he went to his knees while dropping the knife. I walked around him there all bleeding like a stuck hog and begging for help . Went to my car to leave the scene because the cops would have arrested me and asked questions later. Turns out that dumbass went to the cops signed a warrant on me, I was arrested the next day and we did go to court over it. His misfortune was 3 witnesses showed up in court to tell about the knife he had tried to use. The one he threw away before going to the cops . When one's life is threatened no rules are to be obeyed IMHO. SURVIVAL MEANS USE ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING TO WIN A FIGHT. I HOPE THAT YOUR DAUGHTER WAS MADE TO UNDERSTAND THAT AND NOT HESITATE SHOULD THINGS EVER GET THAT SERIOUS. ALSO A SUGGESTION IF I MAY BE SO BOLD ,GO BUY HER THE BIGGEST HEAVIEST WOOD HANDLE HAIRBRUSH YOU CAN FIND TO CARRY IN HER PURSE. Makes a great weapon in a pinch and likely school would not stop her entering with it. My first wife had an old antique hairbrush that I often told her could be used as a fighting weapon should anybody attack her. Sure beats having nothing.. I hope your daughter can avoid any fight but being well prepared is key!-Tyr

[glockmail]

Wow Gabs who knew you would be condoning violence. :laugh:

Where I grew up (metro Boston) kids fought all the time. I was in at least two per year most grades; I never started one, and every time it was against a larger kid: bullies. I figured out ways to hurt them by finding their weaknesses. In my later high school years and especially college this trend continued, but I found mental weaknesses instead, and beat them badly without ever touching them.

That's one big reason why I moved; the pricks that populated that area. All those open-minded, caring for their fellow man, tolerant, liberal Democrats.

My son and daughter are both in college now and neither has ever been in a physical fight at school. My son remembers two school fights in his entire four high school years, with 1600 students.

Bottom line Gabs you live in a crappy town full of liberal Democrats and need to move to a more advanced civilization. :laugh:

[tailfins]

They are the worst type bullies -- very sweet and cooperative with teachers, but really nasty to certain kids when no one else is around.

Kind of like you, huh?




Apparently he gave her the right advice, because she was back to normal today. Though I am now waiting for the phone call from one of the kid's moms about their child laying in a ditch someplace. My brother in law does not teach you how to fight fair. :cool:

Your BIL gave idiot advice, exposing your daughter to criminal liability. My youngest son tells me his way of dealing with bullies is effective: Look them straight in the eye and say, "This is about to become a law enforcement, NOT a school matter. I don't want ANY contact from you". Give them ONE warning, then follow through, filing juvenile criminal chrages against the offender. This makes the parents at risk of becoming under court supervision. The offender never says another word nor has any further contact because there will be consequences.


I am a bit more passive in that regard. My brother-in-law, having skipped high school to be part of a Latin street gang, knows otherwise. Hre has taught my daughter how to escape from larger attackers. He also preaches street defense, which is more commonly referred to as "playing dirty." It starts with avoiding anyone who doesn't attack you, no matter what kind of provocation they offer. If they come at you, it's on. There are "soft spots" that everyone has -- kneecaps, groin or lower stomach, the area right below the breast bone and the temples. This is why women should always have fingernails (real ones).

"Provocation" is a form of bullying that needs to dealt with strategically.

Playing dirty is what I used to do with my older nephews. Bait them to become aggressive where a cop is hiding for a speed trap or something then file criminal charges. Bruises heal; a criminal record is forever.

[gabosaurus]

Bottom line Gabs you live in a crappy town full of liberal Democrats and need to move to a more advanced civilization. :laugh:

Actually, most of our neighborhood is Republican. Except for the immigrants, who don't care.

Tailfins, quit speaking gibberish. The only thing middle school bullies understand is a whack in the snout.

[tailfins]

Actually, most of our neighborhood is Republican. Except for the immigrants, who don't care.

Tailfins, quit speaking gibberish. The only thing middle school bullies understand is a whack in the snout.

You would be amazed what a cop asking them "Do you like living with your parents?" accomplishes. In Massachusetts, bullying is taken seriously and is a law enforcement issue. Also, not being noticed in general keeps kids off the bully's "radar". New Englanders tend to be unapproachable, however the payoff is that they don't bother you either. "When in Rome" was worked very well for our family.

[glockmail]

Actually, most of our neighborhood is Republican. Except for the immigrants, who don't care. Sure they are Gabs, especially all the parents of your daughter's classmates. The facts speak otherwise though.

http://www.ppic.org/main/publication_quick.asp?i=1007

According to figure 3 your 'hood is about 3/4 Democrat. :laugh:

[WiccanLiberal]

These bullying threads call up memories and emphasize the value of a solid reputation. When I was in school, I was a total grind - stack of books with legs. I was unathletic and chubby. Thus I was a target of bullies. I mainly ignored them, fully aware that most of the low life scum were going to end up in dead end jobs while I was going to be the first in my family to complete college. I had a goal. But sometimes... One day I was walking back to the main part of the high school from the cafeteria annex. There was this long featureless hallway and I knew at least two of the "popular" girls were following. I could hear the whispered conversation and knew they were planning something possibly painful and definitely embarrassing. I waited till they were just behind me and swung around as hard as I could with my right elbow cocked out. Sent the little barbie wannabe flying when my elbow hit her. When she could breathe again she started shrieking that I had done that deliberately. I, of course, said I was just SOOOOO sorry I hadn't seen her. We ended up in the principal's office. He had never seen me before. She had been in that office several times. She ranted on how I had attacked her. I said all that happened was I turned too quickly and knocked her down. Yes it was a big fat lie. No I have never been sorry. It was payback for years of her nonsense. I was sent back to class and she was told that trying to get another student in trouble with her lies would get her detention. Revenge is truly a dish best served cold.

[gabosaurus]

Glock, it is true that SoCal as a whole is largely democratic. But in the area that I live in, the price of homes starts at around $600,000 and goes up. Those sort of people tend to be Republicans.

Wiccan, most school bullies are all talk. Schools usually have a zero tolerance policy toward bullying and violent behavior, so they keep it on the sly. Female bullies will rarely take their beefs out of school, because most of them are cowards. But it is good to be prepared, just in case.

[Kathianne]

These bullying threads call up memories and emphasize the value of a solid reputation. When I was in school, I was a total grind - stack of books with legs. I was unathletic and chubby. Thus I was a target of bullies. I mainly ignored them, fully aware that most of the low life scum were going to end up in dead end jobs while I was going to be the first in my family to complete college. I had a goal. But sometimes... One day I was walking back to the main part of the high school from the cafeteria annex. There was this long featureless hallway and I knew at least two of the "popular" girls were following. I could hear the whispered conversation and knew they were planning something possibly painful and definitely embarrassing. I waited till they were just behind me and swung around as hard as I could with my right elbow cocked out. Sent the little barbie wannabe flying when my elbow hit her. When she could breathe again she started shrieking that I had done that deliberately. I, of course, said I was just SOOOOO sorry I hadn't seen her. We ended up in the principal's office. He had never seen me before. She had been in that office several times. She ranted on how I had attacked her. I said all that happened was I turned too quickly and knocked her down. Yes it was a big fat lie. No I have never been sorry. It was payback for years of her nonsense. I was sent back to class and she was told that trying to get another student in trouble with her lies would get her detention. Revenge is truly a dish best served cold. Seems standing up to the bullies is beginning to get some press: http://nypost.com/2013/10/20/the-bullies-will-keep-winning-if-kids-dont-fight-back/?utm_source=SFnewyorkpost&utm_medium=SFnewyorkpost
But there have always been absentee parents and mean children. Yes, the Internet provides more opportunities for a kind of bullying, but what’s really changed is that real bullies don’t face consequences anymore. It used to be that bullies had something to worry about. The bullied kid might catch them alone and beat them up. These days, that’s hardly a risk at all. We’ve become a society that views physical force, even in self-defense, as unacceptable. Never mind that children are jumping off rooftops because of words; it’s fists we’ve banned completely. ...

[glockmail]

Glock, it is true that SoCal as a whole is largely democratic. But in the area that I live in, the price of homes starts at around $600,000 and goes up. Those sort of people tend to be Republicans. Wow Gabs, just when I thought you couldn't be any more prejudicial, you prove me wrong yet again. Lots of rich folks are Democrats.

[tailfins]

Glock, it is true that SoCal as a whole is largely democratic. But in the area that I live in, the price of homes starts at around $600,000 and goes up. Those sort of people tend to be Republicans.

Wiccan, most school bullies are all talk. Schools usually have a zero tolerance policy toward bullying and violent behavior, so they keep it on the sly. Female bullies will rarely take their beefs out of school, because most of them are cowards. But it is good to be prepared, just in case.

No contact means no "sly". There's not much room to do anything if communication nor contact of any kind is tolerated. Why not put the bully in a position where any contact of any kind draws scrutiny? Taking a "beef" out of school is riskier than in school. Getting suspended from school is less of a hit than criminal charges out of school.

[Abbey Marie]

Actually, most of our neighborhood is Republican. Except for the immigrants, who don't care.

Tailfins, quit speaking gibberish. The only thing middle school bullies understand is a whack in the snout.

A good gauge is which party your elected Representatives subscribe to

[Larrymc]

I was worried about my daughter being fairly quiet after school last week. Usually she is pretty upbeat and talkative. Towards the end of the week, she asked to talk with my brother-in-law, who is pretty much her hero in life. He has taught her self defense and given her advice he gained from living on the dark side. So I took her over to spend the weekend with my sister.
Turns out was uneasy about dealing with a couple of bullies in school. They are the worst type bullies -- very sweet and cooperative with teachers, but really nasty to certain kids when no one else is around. Apparently he gave her the right advice, because she was back to normal today. Though I am now waiting for the phone call from one of the kid's moms about their child laying in a ditch someplace. My brother in law does not teach you how to fight fair. :cool:Tell her to just laugh at them, if they ask why tell them if they don't know your not going to tell. They will think you know something on them, or they will think your nuts and keep their distance, That's all I got:lol:

[aboutime]

Tell her to just laugh at them, if they ask why tell them if they don't know your not going to tell. They will think you know something on them, or they will think your nuts and keep their distance, That's all I got:lol:


Larrymc. Gotta agree with you, partially. Nothing makes a bully more angry than NOT ARGUING with them. The best, and hardest thing anyone can do to fight off a bully is...to turn away, bite your tongue, and just remain quiet.
No matter how many names they may call you, or challenge you by calling you Chicken, or whatever. They never win until YOU decide to play by their rules. Which is joining them in the argument.
SILENCE IS GOLDEN. And nobody ever gets in trouble for staying quiet, smiling, or walking away if they can. Leaving the FOOL to fend for themselves.

[Abbey Marie]

Tell her to just laugh at them, if they ask why tell them if they don't know your not going to tell. They will think you know something on them, or they will think your nuts and keep their distance, That's all I got:lol:

I like that, Larry. :thumb:

[actsnoblemartin]

Good for you gabs, :clap: standing up to bullies isn't an easy lesson, but an important one

[DragonStryk72]

With my own experience in bullying, it isn't really about winning, and that's where a lot of teaching about defense against them falls down. The key truly lies in making it too costly to attempt, whether socially or physically. Bullies are reliant on their victims backing down, or putting up only a token defense. Much like with predator animals, they only really go after passive targets, so someone who is fighting back, and making it take longer/more swings is simply starts to become too much trouble to deal with.

Bullies stopped going after me when I would just keep getting up and coming back at them, and it really didn't matter that I was getting beat on, it was that I kept coming at them. For social occasions, I recommend that, when they throw out their taunts, an eyeroll, a bored sigh, and a quick, "Done?" like they don't matter enough to bother with is surprisingly effective in social settings.