Need advice on lending $$$ to nephew

[jimnyc]

When Mom passed away, my brother and his family came up from Georgia, and my nephew Travis drove the length with me. He was 15 at the time, and I even let him drive for a few hundred miles, because he asked, and I was a sucker. Then when his Dad went back home, he stayed with us for a week. He thought he was in heaven, and apparently thought Aunt Diana and Uncle Jimmy were millionaires, but we just treated him as a relative that we rarely get to see. Being a hick living in the sticks, it was a big change for him to have everything at his feet. I took him to a Yankees game, his favorite team, which were $900 seats in the Legends Section (from my wife's company). It was an all you can eat, drink and spoiled section, about 5 fight from the dugout and about 3 feet from where the players warmed up when on deck for batting.

When the week was up, we bought him an airline ticket to Atlanta and home he went. We haven't heard from him since. He has also apparently moved out of his Dad's house and is taking turns living with his girlfriend and a couple of his buddies. He does have a warehouse job and claims to be driving a forklift. I found out through my Dad, who he also called, that apparently he is getting $250 a month from Social Security somehow, and I have no idea how a 17yr old does that. But anyway, he has a small car, a decent job & the free monthly money.

He called me today 6 times in 6 minutes from an unknown number. Turns out his minutes are up on his phone and he borrowed a buddies phone. He states he really wants to speak with Aunt Diana. He wants to "borrow" $1200 for a down payment on a pickup truck.

Yes, he's my nephew, but I don't think he really "needs" a truck but rather wants a truck, which will cost him more in gas as everything there is a billion miles away. And if he needs repairs, that will cost more too. And since he has 2 sources of income, I believe he needs to earn what he wants, which is something everyone that age really needs to learn. But I told him I would run it by my wife and to call us back this evening. I love him to death, he's my brothers 2nd oldest child, but I'm not convinced he "needs" it. If it was to live, a place to stay, for food or another necessity, it might be worth thinking about. But he also called his grandparents, my father and stepmother, and they explained to him to simply save his money and in like 3-4 months he will have enough for what he wants, and he will have earned it. Instead of taking sound advice, he calls the aunt and uncle that he really has no use for any other time in his life.

What would you do? And how would you explain things to him?

[Abbey Marie]

When Mom passed away, my brother and his family came up from Georgia, and my nephew Travis drove the length with me. He was 15 at the time, and I even let him drive for a few hundred miles, because he asked, and I was a sucker. Then when his Dad went back home, he stayed with us for a week. He thought he was in heaven, and apparently thought Aunt Diana and Uncle Jimmy were millionaires, but we just treated him as a relative that we rarely get to see. Being a hick living in the sticks, it was a big change for him to have everything at his feet. I took him to a Yankees game, his favorite team, which were $900 seats in the Legends Section (from my wife's company). It was an all you can eat, drink and spoiled section, about 5 fight from the dugout and about 3 feet from where the players warmed up when on deck for batting.

When the week was up, we bought him an airline ticket to Atlanta and home he went. We haven't heard from him since. He has also apparently moved out of his Dad's house and is taking turns living with his girlfriend and a couple of his buddies. He does have a warehouse job and claims to be driving a forklift. I found out through my Dad, who he also called, that apparently he is getting $250 a month from Social Security somehow, and I have no idea how a 17yr old does that. But anyway, he has a small car, a decent job & the free monthly money.

He called me today 6 times in 6 minutes from an unknown number. Turns out his minutes are up on his phone and he borrowed a buddies phone. He states he really wants to speak with Aunt Diana. He wants to "borrow" $1200 for a down payment on a pickup truck.

Yes, he's my nephew, but I don't think he really "needs" a truck but rather wants a truck, which will cost him more in gas as everything there is a billion miles away. And if he needs repairs, that will cost more too. And since he has 2 sources of income, I believe he needs to earn what he wants, which is something everyone that age really needs to learn. But I told him I would run it by my wife and to call us back this evening. I love him to death, he's my brothers 2nd oldest child, but I'm not convinced he "needs" it. If it was to live, a place to stay, for food or another necessity, it might be worth thinking about. But he also called his grandparents, my father and stepmother, and they explained to him to simply save his money and in like 3-4 months he will have enough for what he wants, and he will have earned it. Instead of taking sound advice, he calls the aunt and uncle that he really has no use for any other time in his life.

What would you do? And how would you explain things to him?

Bolded is the best advice anyone can give the boy. A really good life lesson for him. If I were you, I'd reiterate that to him.

[Trigg]

completely agree with Abby


If he works for the money he will appreciate and take better care of the truck. It's a hard lesson, but one that everyone needs to learn.

[Robert A Whit]

When Mom passed away, my brother and his family came up from Georgia, and my nephew Travis drove the length with me. He was 15 at the time, and I even let him drive for a few hundred miles, because he asked, and I was a sucker. Then when his Dad went back home, he stayed with us for a week. He thought he was in heaven, and apparently thought Aunt Diana and Uncle Jimmy were millionaires, but we just treated him as a relative that we rarely get to see. Being a hick living in the sticks, it was a big change for him to have everything at his feet. I took him to a Yankees game, his favorite team, which were $900 seats in the Legends Section (from my wife's company). It was an all you can eat, drink and spoiled section, about 5 fight from the dugout and about 3 feet from where the players warmed up when on deck for batting.

When the week was up, we bought him an airline ticket to Atlanta and home he went. We haven't heard from him since. He has also apparently moved out of his Dad's house and is taking turns living with his girlfriend and a couple of his buddies. He does have a warehouse job and claims to be driving a forklift. I found out through my Dad, who he also called, that apparently he is getting $250 a month from Social Security somehow, and I have no idea how a 17yr old does that. But anyway, he has a small car, a decent job & the free monthly money.

He called me today 6 times in 6 minutes from an unknown number. Turns out his minutes are up on his phone and he borrowed a buddies phone. He states he really wants to speak with Aunt Diana. He wants to "borrow" $1200 for a down payment on a pickup truck.

Yes, he's my nephew, but I don't think he really "needs" a truck but rather wants a truck, which will cost him more in gas as everything there is a billion miles away. And if he needs repairs, that will cost more too. And since he has 2 sources of income, I believe he needs to earn what he wants, which is something everyone that age really needs to learn. But I told him I would run it by my wife and to call us back this evening. I love him to death, he's my brothers 2nd oldest child, but I'm not convinced he "needs" it. If it was to live, a place to stay, for food or another necessity, it might be worth thinking about. But he also called his grandparents, my father and stepmother, and they explained to him to simply save his money and in like 3-4 months he will have enough for what he wants, and he will have earned it. Instead of taking sound advice, he calls the aunt and uncle that he really has no use for any other time in his life.

What would you do? And how would you explain things to him?

I am as much a stranger to you as most of us are I believe. Sure, some posters may have even met you once or twice. Tend to doubt it though.

He is not a stranger. And you actually know him. You interacted with him. You know very well if you wanted to give him that money, you simply would send it to him.
Question I want to see answered though is do you actually want to hand him that money?
Those who may know him better as to his daily habits seem to be saying let him save.

I dunno. I have handed family at times a lot of cash only to find they don't have any when I happen to be in need myself.

I can't give you sound advise given I know so little. Maybe to you ten thousand dollars is chicken feed. I dunno.

[gabosaurus]

Sounds to me like he is not very good with money. I will turn to Shakespeare here:

Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

[aboutime]

I'd advise you to STAY OUT OF IT.

Sounds like he is just spoiled, and has always been given everything he wanted without earning it like others do.

If he really wants to become a Man, and responsible enough to fend for himself. Let him work for it, and get a feeling of personal responsibility for his OWN actions...for the first time.

The temptations most of us have as parents, and grand parents always is...TO HELP THEM OUT, because we can, and because our parents or grand parents weren't able to do so.

That temptation should be limited to Emergency situations for protection, or health reasons only.
Everything else should come WITH A PRICE. Like....working, instead of depending on the handouts.

That's comparable to what our Nation is becoming these days. The people WANT, but seem unwilling to WORK for it.

[tailfins]

Unless you can afford to gift the money, don't lend it. Even though you didn't mention co-signing, I would like to point out what Proverbs 6 says about that subject.


1 My son, if thou be surety for thy friend, if thou hast stricken thy hand with a stranger , 2 Thou art snared with the words of thy mouth, thou art taken with the words of thy mouth. 3 Do this now, my son, and deliver thyself, when thou art come into the hand of thy friend; go , humble thyself, and make sure thy friend. 4 Give not sleep to thine eyes, nor slumber to thine eyelids. 5 Deliver thyself as a roe from the hand of the hunter, and as a bird from the hand of the fowler.

[fj1200]

What would you do? And how would you explain things to him?

Don't, and it seems you already explained it. Just use those same words. :)

[jimnyc]

I suppose my eldest brother in Georgia made the decision for me. This is his 18yr old boy, who moved out to be with his girlfriend, and has apparently been extremely disrespectful to his Dad, some things that make me very sad. Nothing hideous, but bad mouthing and turning his back on his father. Apparently he has a vehicle that works just fine, but his friend got a new pickup and he wants to but his old one. My brother has given him 2 vehicles since he turned 16 and he has ruined both and outright refuses to pay back any money. Since my Bro is collecting SS for his disability, some extra comes to help with children. This one is trying, and apparently succeeding, in getting $251 per month in SS directly to him, in addition to his own job. So he should be able to save for 2-6 months and get what he wants. And my brother asked me, as a brother, to please let the boy learn to deal with hi issues without grubbing money from people he has little care for. While I love both, Jeff is my brother, and that's HIS son. Differences aside, a little respect never hurts. While I sympathize with a boy wanting a little something for himself when he's not even living at home, he chose his bed and still has opportunities to fix his relationships. Simply handing him money won't teach him any values. And with the money currently being laid out for my surgery, MRI, epidural, anesthesia, pre-op. hospital.... The money loss would hurt at this time. And he's not homeless, he has a job, he's being fed and he has a car. He just WANTS more.

[Gaffer]

Sounds like he's going through his liberal phase. Hopefully he grows out of it real soon.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

I suppose my eldest brother in Georgia made the decision for me. This is his 18yr old boy, who moved out to be with his girlfriend, and has apparently been extremely disrespectful to his Dad, some things that make me very sad. Nothing hideous, but bad mouthing and turning his back on his father. Apparently he has a vehicle that works just fine, but his friend got a new pickup and he wants to but his old one. My brother has given him 2 vehicles since he turned 16 and he has ruined both and outright refuses to pay back any money. Since my Bro is collecting SS for his disability, some extra comes to help with children. This one is trying, and apparently succeeding, in getting $251 per month in SS directly to him, in addition to his own job. So he should be able to save for 2-6 months and get what he wants. And my brother asked me, as a brother, to please let the boy learn to deal with hi issues without grubbing money from people he has little care for. While I love both, Jeff is my brother, and that's HIS son. Differences aside, a little respect never hurts. While I sympathize with a boy wanting a little something for himself when he's not even living at home, he chose his bed and still has opportunities to fix his relationships. Simply handing him money won't teach him any values. And with the money currently being laid out for my surgery, MRI, epidural, anesthesia, pre-op. hospital.... The money loss would hurt at this time. And he's not homeless, he has a job, he's being fed and he has a car. He just WANTS more.

My friend, you asked so here it comes.
You are a damn fool if you give, loan or donate to that nephew. Were he my nephew somebody would have to stop me from going there and kicking his azz! If my brother was unable to do the job I would. From your post I can confidently say that he desperately needs a damn fine attitude adjustment. They work miracles , I've given several dozen of them in my life. A few times even had to go back and do a repeat performance, which was my fault for not laying it on hard enough the first time. Folks down here are damn hardheaded my friend.
My advice, dont give him a dime..-Tyr

[Trinity]

I suppose my eldest brother in Georgia made the decision for me. This is his 18yr old boy, who moved out to be with his girlfriend, and has apparently been extremely disrespectful to his Dad, some things that make me very sad. Nothing hideous, but bad mouthing and turning his back on his father. Apparently he has a vehicle that works just fine, but his friend got a new pickup and he wants to but his old one. My brother has given him 2 vehicles since he turned 16 and he has ruined both and outright refuses to pay back any money. Since my Bro is collecting SS for his disability, some extra comes to help with children. This one is trying, and apparently succeeding, in getting $251 per month in SS directly to him, in addition to his own job. So he should be able to save for 2-6 months and get what he wants. And my brother asked me, as a brother, to please let the boy learn to deal with hi issues without grubbing money from people he has little care for. While I love both, Jeff is my brother, and that's HIS son. Differences aside, a little respect never hurts. While I sympathize with a boy wanting a little something for himself when he's not even living at home, he chose his bed and still has opportunities to fix his relationships. Simply handing him money won't teach him any values. And with the money currently being laid out for my surgery, MRI, epidural, anesthesia, pre-op. hospital.... The money loss would hurt at this time. And he's not homeless, he has a job, he's being fed and he has a car. He just WANTS more.


wants more for free hmmmmmmm yeah well....ok I can say i am guilty to some degree however this is my son I am talking about I bought him his first car for $600.00 however the car is in good running condition, looks good and there is nothing wrong with it. He currently only has his temps and is 16 the deal was I buy the car you pay for any improvements or enhancements you want done to the car and you pay for insurance. I will pay for drivers ed only because I think it should be a requirement regardless of age, with all the idiot drivers out there. Needless to say my sons car was bought back at the beginning of august and is currently sitting in my barn semi sanded down for a new coat of paint and waiting on the harness wires for the new car stereo........and I am still waiting for that fire under his ass to motivate him to move past the point we are at now.




Oh and one more thing next time you have a nephew or niece come stay with you that is not used to your life style empty out the fridge and cabinets and veto any free tickets to sporting events...just saying : )

[Robert A Whit]

wants more for free hmmmmmmm yeah well....ok I can say i am guilty to some degree however this is my son I am talking about I bought him his first car for $600.00 however the car is in good running condition, looks good and there is nothing wrong with it.

Gosh, $600 huh. I got a call one day from my daughter who lived with her mother. "Dad, I need that Toyota 4 WD." She had found one for about $5,000. Her mom agreed to pay for half. Well, it ended up I paid for all of it. And insurance. My daughter being a very good skiier and a top student and a wonderful daughter said she needed to stop relying so much on her mom and friends. She graduated from high school and I suppose it was well over a month that I had not heard from her. The phone was disconnected. I was frantic. Why her mom pulled that stunt baffled me. I called one of the boys from her first marriage. He told me they moved to Kauai. I eventually tracked her down and talked to her. Not too much later, I learned my daughter met some guy there and she married him. I flew there for their wedding. Tell you this, she was a great student and a fine worker. I just did not like how her mom played games.

[logroller]

Just to get the facts straight-- he wants to borrow $1200 as down payment -- meaning, he's wanting to borrow money in order to borrow more money---- tell him that's not how the private world works and give him the number for his Congressman.:coffee:

[Nukeman]

Jim, dispite all the advice you get on here it is ultimately up to you!!! I will say this though. NEVER "loan" more money than you are willing to write off.. Plan on NEVER seeing the money again and be willing to accept that and only than should you "loan" money to family. It should always be what you can live without and wont hurt you financially at all.. Otherwise you have hurt feeling and feelings of being taken advantage of and that my friend is a whole other problem.....:coffee:

[jimnyc]

Not only did his Dad convince me last evening, but his own actions last evening nailed the coffin shut. He was to call me back at 10pm to discuss. 10:15 came and I was exhausted and anxious at the same time, and really not feeling well. Diana was stuck at work and I was home alone with Jordan. I assumed my nephew would be calling back today then.

Well, 10:30 rolled around, I was curled up in bed praying I could fall asleep and the phone rings, my cell, which is 15ft away on my computer desk. My initial though was "it's 10:30 at night, no reason to get up when nothing can be determined and discussed until tomorrow anyway". Then about 30 seconds later it rang a second time. Then a minute later it rang a 3rd time. It got to FIFTEEN CALLS in about 8-10 minutes before I got angry and got up and turned my cell off. After that, my cell when turned back on would only tell me messages, not missed calls, so I have no idea how long he kept this up. But calling someone's house that late is bad enough, but over and over and over and over is RUDE and completely uncalled for. It's obvious to me, that even without my brothers advice, the boy has some growing up to do. One call and a voice mail would have been sufficient, and maybe even a text message. But nephew or no nephew, 15 calls in such a short period of time is not only immature, but also leaning towards harassment.

[Abbey Marie]

And you were so nice to him. No good deed goes unpunished.

[SassyLady]

Jim, my 48 year old nephew is in a hard spot right now.....no job, no money. He and his SO are moving in with me next week. Every dime I've given him over the last week he has worked his butt off for. I have a large property that needs lots of maintenance and I have projects all the time. This last week we laid down 24 cu yds of rock in all my driveway areas. He also painted all the facia around the house.

In other words......he works for me and THEN I pay him. It is not a loan. If your nephew wants $1,200 and you have it to pay him .... then I suggest that he works for it ... and not at an hourly rate that is more than where he currently is working.

[Abbey Marie]

Jim, my 48 year old nephew is in a hard spot right now.....no job, no money. He and his SO are moving in with me next week. Every dime I've given him over the last week he has worked his butt off for. I have a large property that needs lots of maintenance and I have projects all the time. This last week we laid down 24 cu yds of rock in all my driveway areas. He also painted all the facia around the house.

In other words......he works for me and THEN I pay him. It is not a loan. If your nephew wants $1,200 and you have it to pay him .... then I suggest that he works for it ... and not at an hourly rate that is more than where he currently is working.

Good advice, as usual, Sassy. :beer:

[Kathianne]

Jim, my 48 year old nephew is in a hard spot right now.....no job, no money. He and his SO are moving in with me next week. Every dime I've given him over the last week he has worked his butt off for. I have a large property that needs lots of maintenance and I have projects all the time. This last week we laid down 24 cu yds of rock in all my driveway areas. He also painted all the facia around the house.

In other words......he works for me and THEN I pay him. It is not a loan. If your nephew wants $1,200 and you have it to pay him .... then I suggest that he works for it ... and not at an hourly rate that is more than where he currently is working.

Not a thing wrong with that. Not for you, not for him.

[Trinity]

Gosh, $600 huh. I got a call one day from my daughter who lived with her mother. "Dad, I need that Toyota 4 WD." She had found one for about $5,000. Her mom agreed to pay for half. Well, it ended up I paid for all of it. And insurance. My daughter being a very good skiier and a top student and a wonderful daughter said she needed to stop relying so much on her mom and friends. She graduated from high school and I suppose it was well over a month that I had not heard from her. The phone was disconnected. I was frantic. Why her mom pulled that stunt baffled me. I called one of the boys from her first marriage. He told me they moved to Kauai. I eventually tracked her down and talked to her. Not too much later, I learned my daughter met some guy there and she married him. I flew there for their wedding. Tell you this, she was a great student and a fine worker. I just did not like how her mom played games.


Yeah my ex had said something similar about paying for half quite sometime ago, but based on his past actions in regards to child support, I told him no thanks I got this. And I bought the car from a good friend which is why I got it so cheap. :coffee:

[WiccanLiberal]

Gotta say the same thing I have seen other posters write. That is - don't loan what you can't afford to lose. When you loan to a relative, odds are you won't see it again. Here's an interesting aside, my own Dad cosigned my very first car loan AFTER I had a steady job and had accumulated the down payment myself. I took a great deal of pride in that little car and in making every monthly payment on time.

[glockmail]

If you lend him the money you'll never hear from him again.

[jimnyc]

Thanks for the advice everyone!

I thought I was clear with him via texting. He admitted he had a job, a Ford Focus and takes $250 of my brother's SS money each month. I explained to him that he wants this and doesn't need it. I chewed him out about the excessive calling. I explained to him that if he put the SS away for 3 months, and saved $500 over 3 months from his paycheck, which is 12 pay periods, he would have his $1200, would have earned it, and not be in debt to someone. He replied "yeah, I know, that's true". But yet he's still calling, and just outright stating he would like to speak to Diana, who he doesn't give a shit in the world about for years and years and years. It ain't happening, so now I'm going to have to pass the polite stage and just tell him to beat it and save his pennies.

[aboutime]

Thanks for the advice everyone!

I thought I was clear with him via texting. He admitted he had a job, a Ford Focus and takes $250 of my brother's SS money each month. I explained to him that he wants this and doesn't need it. I chewed him out about the excessive calling. I explained to him that if he put the SS away for 3 months, and saved $500 over 3 months from his paycheck, which is 12 pay periods, he would have his $1200, would have earned it, and not be in debt to someone. He replied "yeah, I know, that's true". But yet he's still calling, and just outright stating he would like to speak to Diana, who he doesn't give a shit in the world about for years and years and years. It ain't happening, so now I'm going to have to pass the polite stage and just tell him to beat it and save his pennies.

jimnyc: After learning the hard-way many years ago, when my wife and I felt sorry for a friend of her's who had many problems. We lent a couple just Six Hundred dollars, for food, and to help pay their rent since they had a newborn, baby.

The young hubby thanked us, and promised he'd pay us back.

Turn's out, later on. When my wife tried to call her. The number was no longer in service (this was back in the late seventies), and when we stopped by their home. The place was empty.
Moral of this story.
"The quickest way to make an enemy is....to lend them money."

[logroller]

Thanks for the advice everyone!

I thought I was clear with him via texting. He admitted he had a job, a Ford Focus and takes $250 of my brother's SS money each month. I explained to him that he wants this and doesn't need it. I chewed him out about the excessive calling. I explained to him that if he put the SS away for 3 months, and saved $500 over 3 months from his paycheck, which is 12 pay periods, he would have his $1200, would have earned it, and not be in debt to someone. He replied "yeah, I know, that's true". But yet he's still calling, and just outright stating he would like to speak to Diana, who he doesn't give a shit in the world about for years and years and years. It ain't happening, so now I'm going to have to pass the polite stage and just tell him to beat it and save his pennies.
Ugh. Don't you just hate it when your intuition proves right? You're handling it well Jim; trust your resolve. As for the Diana ploy, assuming she agrees with your position, I'd let her talk to him and have her ask him, "what did Jim say?" Make him reiterate what advice you gave-- forcing him to explain it may help him grasp the concept... Plus, it gives you and the wife an opportunity to show a united front-- which builds your bonds as well.

jimnyc: After learning the hard-way many years ago, when my wife and I felt sorry for a friend of her's who had many problems. We lent a couple just Six Hundred dollars, for food, and to help pay their rent since they had a newborn, baby.

The young hubby thanked us, and promised he'd pay us back.

Turn's out, later on. When my wife tried to call her. The number was no longer in service (this was back in the late seventies), and when we stopped by their home. The place was empty.
Moral of this story.
"The quickest way to make an enemy is....to lend them money."

600 bones, damn, that's an expensive lesson...or moral, whatever. I've heard a similar saying about the best way to get rid of somebody is to loan them money. So while expensive, it was money well spent IMO. Who needs those people?

[Voted4Reagan]

He called me today 6 times in 6 minutes from an unknown number. Turns out his minutes are up on his phone and he borrowed a buddies phone. He states he really wants to speak with Aunt Diana. He wants to "borrow" $1200 for a down payment on a pickup truck.


What would you do? And how would you explain things to him?

He doesnt want it for a truck... Something else is going on...

DONT lend him the Money.. Remember

Be not a borrower nor a Lender be!

[hjmick]

My advice?

Don't.

If that doesn't work for you, stop calling it a loan and be prepared to never see the money again...