Withdrawals

[jimnyc]

Knowing my addictive personality, I should know better than to take any medication or street drug that has a chance of making me addicted, or worse. There were times I would wake up and take Sudafed for allergies, and I wouldn't say I was addicted in the usual sense, but it just got to the point that I took it whether allergies were kicking in or not. I have had headaches my whole life, and sometimes they are migraines. As a matter of caution, I started taking Advil late at night to avoid waking with a headache, whether in the middle of the night or in the morning. Then what starts as a precautionary thing ends up being a nightly thing. I wouldn't say Sudafed and Advil are addictive medications, but it shows that I have a very addictive personality.

I smoked cigarettes for 23 years. I quit about 50x before I made a final effort and succeeded.

I mentioned awhile back that my initial doctor prescribed me 5mg Percocet for the neck pain. It helped with the pain, but I also know for sure that I liked the high I got from them. I even mentioned it here, and more or less stated that I would shy away from them since I knew of my addictive personality, and would shoot for different OTC drugs, or a higher prescription of Motrin or similar. That was my plan in the back of my head, but of course I never did that, and I continued with the Percocet.

Then I finally moved into seeing the surgeon who increased the medication to 10mg. Mind you, this is still a fairly small amount, but a drug is a drug, especially to someone who gets addicted easily. I know people taking what I was taking in an entire day, in just one pill, which they took several times per day. I'm glad I'm not that far into it. I know my brother down south, who has neuropathy and other issues, has been taking upwards of 200mg of this kind of crap, every day, for years now.

So I took the initial 5mg, about 10 of them a day or so, for about 2-3 weeks. Then after the increase, I was on the 10mg for about 5 weeks now. So about 2 months or so in total. And now it's time to pay the piper, as no way in hell am I continuing to make this worse. I have enough to last me through today, and then it's on to about 5-7 days of hell to put this behind me.

I woke up early this morning and felt like crap. While the neck is recovering, I wake up with a stiff neck every morning in a bit of pain, but very bearable. And otherwise just very tired and out of it from all the drugs. Normally I just hit the coffee pot for awhile while I wait for my medications to kick in. Today I was extra tired so I went back to bed. I woke up several more times having to go to the bathroom. It was as if I was developing a bit of the flu. In reality, it was the beginning of withdrawals as I had my last one about 6-7pm last night. Rather than suffer, like the addict I am, I finally got out of bed and took my medications. About an hour later or so I felt much, much better, but I also know it's just a crutch. So the real deal will start tomorrow morning, and no crutches will be left.

I've got Tylenol, Kaopectate and my daily vitamins waiting. Sports drinks and tons of bottles of water. Also proper foods for nourishing a body going through such changes. I got myself into this mess and I'll face it like a man and see myself through it. Eat and drink properly, get rest, soups, and hit the sauna as much as bearable to help sweat out toxins. 3-5 days and it'll be over.

Go in for a legit ailment and end up hooked on a drug. And it IS my own fault, as of course I dare not tell any of the doctors that I can get hooked that easily. And then happily get refills. I'm not saying I deserve to suffer from withdrawals, but I didn't do very much to help myself either.

I know these 3-5 days are going to feel like 3-5 weeks. But my neck is fixed and this will be put behind me as well. I just might be a little MIA on the board here for a bit as I toss away these demons and get back on track.

[SassyLady]

Toxins are in the liver ... considering doing a liver cleanse.

[jafar00]

Oh man Jimmy. I know how you feel. Hang in there and you will do it. I was also a smoker and although I kicked the habit, I still go for an occasional shisha. Isn't there a more permanent fix for your neck? Perhaps massage or something? I know neck problems can cause headaches.

[jimnyc]

Oh man Jimmy. I know how you feel. Hang in there and you will do it. I was also a smoker and although I kicked the habit, I still go for an occasional shisha. Isn't there a more permanent fix for your neck? Perhaps massage or something? I know neck problems can cause headaches.

The neck is fixed, or so I hope, the surgery was 2 weeks ago today. The pain associated from the disc in my neck has went away, and I was left dealing with post surgical pain. I'd say about 90% of it went away, still some limited mobility in all directions in my neck, and a quick movement brings pain, but it's expected to take a few months. Anyway, no more need for pain medications and to extend the inevitable. So now the pain meds end, I deal with withdrawals for up to a week, and then hopefully my neck and the rest are healed or on their way to being healed! I don't know if I could have made it to the surgery without pain meds but it was my choice to do so. And post surgery would have been hell without them, but would have only been a few weeks. Either way, another few days won't be so bad in the grand scheme of things, just not looking forward to it!

Oh, and I've had a lifetime of headaches! I was wondering myself if any of my neck issues could have been contributing. I'll monitor going forward and see if they ease up. I've got a LONG history of migraines, but they go all the way back to when I was a little kid. I don't think my neck was injured yet!

[WiccanLiberal]

Gotta respect you for acknowledging and addressing the issue. Too many people deny any problem that involves a physician provided prescription. Good luck to you.

[glockmail]

You ever try Yoga? My wife swears by it. Another guy I know swears by Pilates. Me, I like the Cybex machines, set at about 2/3 my body weight and at full range for maximum flexibility. If I don't get some of that twice a week I have trouble picking something off the floor.

Also, where you live the air is just bad. Too many people living in the same square mile. I never feel quite right when I spend a lot of time in any urban area. That's how you're getting all those toxins.

[jimnyc]

Just wanted to pop in and tell everyone how miserable I am. I suppose the first 2 days were the worst, and I'm supposedly looking at perhaps another few days of flu like symptoms. I feel like I'm in hell, and a lonely hell. No, not suicidal lonely! Just that I sweat and toss and turn all night and can't sleep, no one to talk to or help. I called my doctor to see if there was anything he could help with to control the 2 months withdrawal addiction, and he offered to prescribe more to taper down! No thanks, I'm halfway there now. If I beat 23 years of smoking cigarettes, I can beat 2 months of pain killers. Mark my words though, never again. One "drug" or another is always running my life, and it might take me awhile, but I'm taking it back. After I get over this, gonna take a break to feel good again, and next is the xanax that I've been on for countless years, like 5 or 6. Luckily for me, my dosage is the smallest, .25, and I only take 4 per day when I am prescribed more than that. But I'm not kidding myself, that's going to be a nightmare too. It seems like everytime I do something good in my life to make myself better, 2 more things happen, whether incidentally or on my own doing, and I'm back regretting things. I'll try to pop on later or tomorrow to let anyone who cares know how I'm feeling! LOL

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Just wanted to pop in and tell everyone how miserable I am. I suppose the first 2 days were the worst, and I'm supposedly looking at perhaps another few days of flu like symptoms. I feel like I'm in hell, and a lonely hell. No, not suicidal lonely! Just that I sweat and toss and turn all night and can't sleep, no one to talk to or help. I called my doctor to see if there was anything he could help with to control the 2 months withdrawal addiction, and he offered to prescribe more to taper down! No thanks, I'm halfway there now. If I beat 23 years of smoking cigarettes, I can beat 2 months of pain killers. Mark my words though, never again. One "drug" or another is always running my life, and it might take me awhile, but I'm taking it back. After I get over this, gonna take a break to feel good again, and next is the xanax that I've been on for countless years, like 5 or 6. Luckily for me, my dosage is the smallest, .25, and I only take 4 per day when I am prescribed more than that. But I'm not kidding myself, that's going to be a nightmare too. It seems like everytime I do something good in my life to make myself better, 2 more things happen, whether incidentally or on my own doing, and I'm back regretting things. I'll try to pop on later or tomorrow to let anyone who cares know how I'm feeling! LOL

Hang in there . I had a friend back in the early 90's that got off a 14 year dependency on painkillers.He did much like you are doing , cold turkey. Said it was brutal and the hardest thing he had ever experienced in his life. He got off and stayed off. He never quit smoking, just gave up on the painkillers. I was never really hardcore hooked but did my painkiller trip for about 4 years in my late 20's. Used to pop 'em along with drinking whiskey . Finally tossed em out because I saw where it was heading. Was not easy but apparently I wasnt as addicted as you were. Good luck.....-Tyr

[WiccanLiberal]

Glad to hear you are persevering and good luck with the process. I am sure you already know you have support here.

[jimnyc]

Hang in there . I had a friend back in the early 90's that got off a 14 year dependency on painkillers.He did much like you are doing , cold turkey. Said it was brutal and the hardest thing he had ever experienced in his life. He got off and stayed off. He never quit smoking, just gave up on the painkillers. I was never really hardcore hooked but did my painkiller trip for about 4 years in my late 20's. Used to pop 'em along with drinking whiskey . Finally tossed em out because I saw where it was heading. Was not easy but apparently I wasnt as addicted as you were. Good luck.....-Tyr


Glad to hear you are persevering and good luck with the process. I am sure you already know you have support here.

Thanks guys. It's been a weird day. Little sleep and so much sweats. All the reading I'm doing, I seem to be having the same type of withdrawals as those doing double and triple my amount for years! I should be at the hump or just past it now. Even though I can't work out because of my neck, I've been to the gym all 3 days since stopping the meds, even if it's to sit in the steam room for a bit and a shower. So if I'm semi functioning, it's got to get better. In addition to the gym, drinking lots of green teas and another one that is supposed to help detox your body, whatever is stuck in your fatty cells and what not it is supposed to help with getting rid of. Cranberry juice and bananas as well, as I really have no appetite at all. At this point, it seems to be the anxiety getting to me the most. Keeping myself occupied is what works the best. They say day 3 when you wake up should be the peak and the rest is downhill the other side of the mountain, and it's what you put into it. That's why I've been trying everything possible to speed this up and take care of myself at the same time.

Anyone else have any ideas? I'm cleaning up my body and life.

[jimnyc]

The picture below explains why I was on these meds for 2 months, and I still feel like a lousy bum of a drug addict, likely because I tried everything throughout my life and always enjoyed what I did. And I always knew whatever suffering I did was at my own hands. This time I have a cervical fusion done and I should have just stayed with Tylenol. All because my neck gets hurt my life gets fucked up. I am so depressed right now.

http://i46.tinypic.com/wa1155.jpg

[Abbey Marie]

Jim please hang in there. You know in your heart that this will be better very soon. I will pray for you right now.
-Abbey

PS I think you should pray too- it really can help.

[glockmail]

Remember all those libtards ragging on Rush because he got addicted to pain medicines? Kinda puts things in perspective since it happened to someone we know more personally. One more reason to hate those types with every fiber of my being. :laugh:

[gabosaurus]

Remember all those libtards ragging on Rush because he got addicted to pain medicines? Kinda puts things in perspective since it happened to someone we know more personally. One more reason to hate those types with every fiber of my being. :laugh:

Do you have to twist every thread into a hate thread? This thread is about Jim's struggles, not some talking head no one here knows personally and could care less about.

[glockmail]

Do you have to twist every thread into a hate thread? This thread is about Jim's struggles, not some talking head no one here knows personally and could care less about. Why are you now hatin' on Rush? :slap:

[gabosaurus]

Ain't hatin' on Rush. Hatin' on the Glockman for hatin'! Now shush yo' mouth! :poke:

[glockmail]

"Could care less about" basically means hatin'. And now your hatin' on me. :lol:

[gabosaurus]

Don't make me slap you with a trout.

[aboutime]

Do you have to twist every thread into a hate thread? This thread is about Jim's struggles, not some talking head no one here knows personally and could care less about.


gabby. Ever heard the expression "POT, meet Mister KETTLE?"

You have no room to talk about twisting threads into hatred. Most of us have been emulating you all along. And now. You dare to point accusing fingers at others when your hypocrisy shines through????

[Abbey Marie]

I think many of you are missing Gabby's subtle skewering humor. She is really very witty. Try to enjoy the gems she gives us.

[gabosaurus]

I think many of you are missing Gabby's subtle skewering humor. She is really very witty. Try to enjoy the gems she gives us.

Glock understands subtle. aboutime is trying to understand the plot twists on "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." :p

[jimnyc]

Another night of barely any sleep gone by. Once again I tossed and turned and sweat most of the night. I actually cried at one point, because not only did I feel so lousy, I can't sleep and you feel so lonely at the night. I'm hoping I'm hovering at the edge of getting better. I've been following the advice of this site and they say day 4, which I am just beginning, it starts getting better. I'd like to share a few things. Here is what I am following and I will add at the bottom. Painkillers for a stinking 2 months for neck surgery and I'm dealing with symptoms that heroin addicts have. I feel like I let myself and my family down, as I know I have an addictive personality. Yes, I'm very depressed too. I just got back from the gym, hitting the steam room as much as possible to sweat out these toxins.

Unfortunately for me, I already take xanax, so that's a hurdle for another day. I'm truly trying to limit myself on them, and even my doctor tells me I am on a very small dosage. I am prescribed .25 5x per day, but generally only take 4, which is 1mg. I need to be careful not to use one to replace another with, but they're supposed to help with the sleeping through this process, and they haven't helped in that department. I'm hoping that tons of fluids and vitamins today, some exercise (walking), the steam room again, and some light eating, that I'll be back to "somewhat normal" soon. If I could just sleep the days are so much easier.

[glockmail]

Don't make me slap you with a trout.
Trout Slap (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Trout%20Slap)


<tbody>
The act of tapping or slapping the head of ones penis on the pubic region of a female including but not limited to: the Prepuce, Clitoris, Labia Menora, or Labia Majora. Derived from the sound a struggling trout makes while flopping around on land. One can replicate the sound of a trout slap by taking their index and middle finger and striking them across the palm of the opposite hand repeatedly.

No man, I didn't get it in... I just trout slapped her.


</tbody>

[glockmail]

Exercise is your friend Jim. I hope that your doing some running too. The lady's love runner's legs. :boobies:

[jimnyc]

Exercise is your friend Jim. I hope that your doing some running too. The lady's love runner's legs. :boobies:

Unfortunately, never was much of a runner. But I do enjoy to ride my bike for miles, or do so at the gym. It's really all I can do because of my neck right now. I've been to the gym 2x already today, can only last about 5 minutes on the bike and then 10 minutes or so in the steam room, followed by a hot shower. I don't know for sure if it's helping, but I'm following good advice. Drink all the right things, pee it out. Drink all the right things, go to a sauna/steam and sweat it out. I think tonight I'm going to try a little walking a few hours before I hit the bed. If I can just get 5-6hrs I would be thrilled. Of course I'm hoping the more I sweat, the more I flush the toxins, the quicker I'll be relieved of this nightmare and can sleep and function again.

Honestly, I looked through the board a few minutes ago for about 5 minutes. I had no idea what's been going on in the news. I'm so depressed, so anxious and so sick, that politics and such right now just doesn't feel right. And I couldn't fathom arguing with anyone right now, all I want is support, which is very limited for me. But I know I'm going to get better, and I'll be back again as myself. Let me correct that, I may be myself, but lots of changes, and that's my mood and how I treat people too. I don't want enemies. I want a positive life, my son, friends & sunshine. Thus far it appears I'm only peeking out from behind the clouds.

I do hope you're all doing well here. See you all soon.

[Kathianne]

Hope you're feeling better real soon!

[aboutime]

jimnyc: Guess you didn't get my PM. Or, you just don't really care.

[jimnyc]

jimnyc: Guess you didn't get my PM. Or, you just don't really care.

I did, and I'm so sorry I haven't replied. I have a few others too, so please don't take it personally. I'm having trouble functioning properly and the sleep deprivation is making me all kinds of crazy. I can only keep doing the right things and fight this as if it's the flu. I'm told I'm past the peak and it's all downhill from here, but last nights sleep speaks otherwise.

Again, please accept my apology, and I promise to reply when I'm back online.

[WiccanLiberal]

Jimmy, hope your symptoms ease up. I don't think anyone can expect you to focus on anything but your recovery right now. Get yourself straight and well then come back here stronger. Sending good thoughts your way.

[gabosaurus]

Jim, sorry about your sleep problems. Turn on a box fan to provide a calming background. Then get comfortable and count boobies until you fall asleep. :cool:

[Abbey Marie]

It sounds like you're almost there. Hang in there!

Politics always seems weird to me when I am not feeling well. It's a blood sport, and you need rest and calmness now.

And as I've said to you privately, please don't worry about the board. We are fine.

[jimnyc]

Last night was the worst for various reasons. Suffice to say, and I'll say more later, I had a severe anxiety attack at about 7:30pm. It was so bad I asked my wife to bring me to the hospital. She made a hot bath for me instead and I took one of my prescribed xanax to calm down a little. I have a habit of letting fear dictate my anxiety, and last night I was terrified to go to bed.

Anyway, got dressed and got under covers on the couch and tried to rest. Kinda made it about an hour as the anxiety was still going and I developed a whopper of a headache. I took my regular medications at 8:50 and went to my room to try and sleep. I tossed and turned with the headache, even tried sleeping sitting up. The only thing I was able to do was find a decent spot and deal with it. Last I checked it was like 1:15am. Next thing I know it was like 4:30 and I woke up. The headache was remarkably better, but still there, and the bed was soaked. I cleaned up my bed and took 2 tylenol. This helped my head, but my sleep was done for the night and I got up a little while later after fighting the tossing and turning. Had a morning tea and forced myself to the gym for the sauna and then a hot shower. That was a rather scary night.

Full disclosure:

I probably shouldn't do this, but I need to share, be honest and get through this. So, you know I'm dealing with these Oxy withdrawals which is the worst of it. My doctor last week started tapering my Seroquel, which is for my sleep disorder. And in case some haven't noticed from a bunch of my posts, I have had an issue over and over through the years with smoking the green stuff. I started at a young age, quit, picked up again, quit, picked up, and the last I quit was 2/2011. I'm not sure when, but sometime late last year or early this year I started a little again. Not a bad user, but habitual. I would roll one which would last me 2-3 days, where in my younger years I would smoke 3 a day with friends. Now I was using it to help me relax and go to sleep at night, and I convinced myself that made it alright. So when I started the Oxy withdrawals, I said to myself, do you really want to live like this on and off ever again? My answer was a resounding NO. I flushed everything immediately, I swear to God. I quite smoking cigarettes 2 years ago about and never looked back, but I can't understand how I let this one back into my life.

So I'm dealing with the perfect storm. The Oxy hell, tapering a medicine which alters brain chemistry & the herb issue. The only reason the doc is tapering me off of the Seroquel is because my cholesterol is much too high. So I am remaining on my regular dosage for a few days to get over this hill. The green stuff, and I said this before, never again. Pills, even for pain, unless it's Advil or Tylenol, never again. But I still need to see this through.

I should be more or less past the Oxy issue, with some lasting depression, aches and pains and fatigue. The green will raise my anxiety for a week or so, and then with a proper workout and eating right, I should be back to normal.

Last year I was off everything but my anti=depressant and Xanax, and I was literally thrilled. I hit the gym so much, it was awesome. I was so proud of myself, and I was getting healthier and feeling so much better. I have no idea why I was such a fucking dumbass and picked up the green, and then this surgery comes around and I enjoy the pills too much. I suppose that makes me an addict, and I'm embarrassed to admit that, but I'm working to get better, for the last time. That's why I would rather suffer now and feel better next week. I want to feel good again, build my relationship with my wife and son. I don't want to lock myself in my room to be afraid of who I am, so I'm making the necessary changes.

I'm hoping I'm through the worst of all of it, but I'm no dummy and I no that more hard days will be ahead. I just need to be able to sleep a little, gain some energy for the day so I can go back to being a workout nut again, eat and drink right, and I'll be back to who I want to be. But it's hard. It really is. I really am not proud of any of this, and truly am embarrassed to tell this story, but the honesty makes me feel better, and will make me see this thread as a reminder.

Judge me if you like, I probably deserve it, but I would prefer a few prayers.

[tailfins]

Go in for a legit ailment and end up hooked on a drug. And it IS my own fault, as of course I dare not tell any of the doctors that I can get hooked that easily. And then happily get refills. I'm not saying I deserve to suffer from withdrawals, but I didn't do very much to help myself either.

I know these 3-5 days are going to feel like 3-5 weeks. But my neck is fixed and this will be put behind me as well. I just might be a little MIA on the board here for a bit as I toss away these demons and get back on track.

You're not the first and won't be the last. Your post serves as an excellent warning of the dangers of Opiates. Much like the way Pauly Shore said "I studied that" in "Son-in-law", I will say I helped build a commercial website on that. Millions of people beat opiates, you will very likely beat them as well.

[jimnyc]

You're not the first and won't be the last. Your post serves as an excellent warning of the dangers of Opiates. Much like the way Pauly Shore said "I studied that" in "Son-in-law", I will say I helped build a commercial website on that. Millions of people beat opiates, you will very likely beat them as well.

Many NFL players succumb to it. But I'd rather not make excuses, I knew sorta what I was doing, just didn't thing long term, and consequences. Now I pay a price, but things should get better. They might get worse first, I don't know. In the last few hours I am going from freezing and having a sweatshirt on and then a blanket, then 20 minutes later I am dripping in sweat.

One thing I have stuck with, which I'm proud of, but now feel like a failure because of the oxycodone and herbal enjoyment: This popped up just now when I rebooted my computer


Jim - Free and Healing for One Year, Eleven Months, Twenty Nine Days, 9 Hours and 39 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 126 Days and 19 Hours, by avoiding the use of 36520 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $18,819.30.


Looks like an idiot like me might need a few of these programs. :(

[jimnyc]

I used this before and it helped and am going to use them again. I don't post for others, but for myself, as a continual reminder as this seems to be the only thread I look at for now. I remember how this helped me immensely in the past.


I acknowledge that my life is unmanageable.
I ask for your care and guidance.

Grant me
honesty, courage, humility, and serenity,
to face that which keeps me
from you and others.

I give this life to you
to do with as you will.



Higher Power,
Please help me.
Help me learn what I am supposed to learn,
Help me do what I am supposed to do,
Help me be who I am supposed to be.
Stay with me always,
In my hour of deepest despair,
And my hour of greatest joy.

[gabosaurus]

Jim, I hope watching the Steelers' home opener today made you feel better. Sounded like it was a good game for them.

[jimnyc]

Another rough night and not doing well this morning. I was exhausted last night and was very relaxed watching the football game, actually felt like I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. I went to bed a little after 9 but it wasn't was I was expecting. I tossed and turned a great deal and then sweat. I think I slept more last night but it's hard to tell. Woke up sweaty quite a few times feeling horrible. Of course towards early morning I start waking up and having bad diarrhea, which I think is a combination of the withdrawals, anxiety and the amount of fluids I am drinking.

But when I got up I started getting what I refer to as "brain zaps". Anyone that has ever been on anti-depressants will know what I'm talking about. It's like your vision moving from seeing something from 3 feet in front of you to 20 ft, you get what feels like a small jolts in your head. They make you lose focus and feel dizzy, which of course then increases my anxiety.

After dealing with all of that, at 7am I pushed to the gym anyway. Bad day there too. I made it 5 minutes on the bike and felt dizzy and sick. Went to the bathroom there. Then showered quickly, steam room, and another shower. All of that probably in less than 30 minutes and I left. I do take xanax for the anxiety, but I wait till after the gym as I don't want to increase my heart rate at the same time I'm trying to reduce my anxiety with medication.

I don't know if some increased xanax to get through the real rough hours are causing this, or the opiate withdrawals from the brain chemistry. I'm thinking the latter, because I've had rough patches before and increased the xanax temporarily and didn't get those sensations.

Now I'm home, sitting around hoping the regular meds will help me. My hell continues just when I thought I saw light at the end of the tunnel. I can't take much more. That's 5 nights in a row with a total of about 10-14hrs of sleep total, and I've lost 19lbs in that time. I am staying hydrated with fluids at least to ensure I don't get dehydrated. I hate myself.

Never fucking again.

[jimnyc]

I went to see my therapist a short while ago. I don't mind spending the money for my sanity and health. My PCP happens to be in the same building. He pulled some strings and got me an appt. in 2 hours from now and is recommending that my doctor place me temporarily on "Clonodine" which is generally for hypertension and high blood pressure, but is apparently very often used for opiate withdrawals.

I thought I reached the peak but he said everyone is different, and that my anxiety and depression might be adding to things. He said it's non-addictive, and I want confirmation from my doctor when I see him too. I'm not taking anything addictive. Apparently it lowers your blood pressure and helps you relax too, and takes away a few of the other symptoms.

From what I read, I should have reached the peak period of withdrawals already and going downhill now, but again, everyone is different and I have other issues. I'm hoping I'll only need something for a few days, non-addictive, to help relax and get some sleep. If I can recuperate, then I can find ways to work out and do other useful things during the day instead of being a basket case from being so worn down.

Anyone know anything about this medication?

[Abbey Marie]

Just what I read now on Wiki. It sounds like it would treat a few of your current problems. The article does mention Clonidine withdrawal, but that may just be standard terminology for easing off the drug.

I think it would really help you to have someone right there with you to talk to when you feel the most anxious. Can you ask someone to do that? Brother? Friend? Wife?

[jimnyc]

The doctor was told why I was coming, as my therapist went down and made the appt and explained it to him. He saw me, took the vitals, blood pressure & all that other crap. Then he leaves the office and comes back 20 minutes later!! THEN he tells me he has no experience in dealing with pain medication withdrawals and gave me a card to go to Greenwich Hsptl in Ct. for inpatient detox!!! No Fing way. While I'm miserable at times, for example though, I feel better now than I did last night, and better than I was yesterday. No way in hell I'm getting admitted to a hospital.

I guess I'll have to keep fighting it like a bad flue with home remedies, exercise and talking with ppl.

Yes, Abs, that's the only thing keeping me going so far, is being on the phone with family and talking non-stop.

But someone else read this page for me for an example. And almost all pages dealing with "opiate withdrawals" will tell you the same: (keep in mind, I am now on day 6) ( and as far as "benzos", I'm already on xanax and not coming off in the very near future anyway.)


Day 3 of no opiate use

Today is a special day for you. As bad as it seems, you have actually made it through the worst of it. This will likely be the day of peak WD symptoms for you. It is important to understand that this will be the worst day, and from here on out things should only get better (although this may vary from person to person as everyone is different, this is simply the most common time frame for this milestone). Like the days before, despite how hard it may seem, you MUST make it out to the sauna and fill yourself with fluids. If you have to, spend the whole day in the hot tub going back and forth between the sauna. Make sure to keep hydrated! You will likely be loosing a lot of fluids between diarrhea, vomiting, and sweating in the sauna. Drink as much as you can and eat as much as you can. You are almost through the worst of it. Like the days before, dose yourself with enough benzo to sleep through the night but do not exceed the recommended dose! Even if you wake up every 3 – 4 hours as the benzo wears off, simply take another and go back to sleep. Sleep as much as you can! Tomorrow when you wake up your going to be feeling bad, but it is going to be better than day 3 was!

Day 4 of no opiate use

Congratulations! You have made it through the worst of it. Although you are still going to be feeling bad a few more days from here on out it is going to be easier and easier. Keep going to the sauna and sweating, working out, and eating. By tomorrow, you should be feeling notably better. Everyone is different, but by following this method, you have surely sped up the process of WD compared to someone who has not followed this method. As like the days before, take vitamins, liquids, and eat as much as possible. Try to get a good nights sleep and on day 5 you will begin cutting back on the benzos.

Day 5 of no opiate use

On this day, you are surely feeling better than the day before. Continue the sauna treatments and workouts. Keep filling yourself with fluids and eating healthy. This evening when you go to sleep try to cut back on the benzos and take only what is necessary to help you sleep.

Day 6 of no opiate use

At this point, you should be feeling a lot better than before. Continue to do all of the previously mentioned activities and keep cutting back on the benzos. Tomorrow will be your last day of taking benzos. It is very important to not take any after day 7 as you can easily become addicted to these things and trust me when I say if you think opiate withdrawal is hard you have no idea what a benzo WD is like. A benzo WD will require hospitalization and can result in death.

Day 7 of no opiate use

While you may not feel like your old self yet, you will be pretty much ready to return to normal activities by this point. You may think its time to stop going to the sauna and working out, but it is most certainly not. Without releasing it, you have replaced your addiction with a new activity that is highly beneficial to your health. Keep going to the gym, working out, swimming, and going to the sauna. At the very least, I would recommend doing this as long as your membership is good for.

http://www.medhelp.org/tags/health_page/45/Addiction/Protocol-for-unassisted-opiate-withdrawal-?hp_id=659

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

The doctor was told why I was coming, as my therapist went down and made the appt and explained it to him. He saw me, took the vitals, blood pressure & all that other crap. Then he leaves the office and comes back 20 minutes later!! THEN he tells me he has no experience in dealing with pain medication withdrawals and gave me a card to go to Greenwich Hsptl in Ct. for inpatient detox!!! No Fing way. While I'm miserable at times, for example though, I feel better now than I did last night, and better than I was yesterday. No way in hell I'm getting admitted to a hospital.

I guess I'll have to keep fighting it like a bad flue with home remedies, exercise and talking with ppl.

Yes, Abs, that's the only thing keeping me going so far, is being on the phone with family and talking non-stop.

But someone else read this page for me for an example. And almost all pages dealing with "opiate withdrawals" will tell you the same: (keep in mind, I am now on day 6) ( and as far as "benzos", I'm already on xanax and not coming off in the very near future anyway.)



http://www.medhelp.org/tags/health_page/45/Addiction/Protocol-for-unassisted-opiate-withdrawal-?hp_id=659

Jim, hang in there. You have it in you to win.. You have went far enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel and its not an oncoming train about to run you over. Its a bright sunny day !! I thank God back when I came off pain pills I didnt have to go thru what you've been thru! I've been damn careful since to never get myself back on them..---Tyr

[WiccanLiberal]

The doctor was told why I was coming, as my therapist went down and made the appt and explained it to him. He saw me, took the vitals, blood pressure & all that other crap. Then he leaves the office and comes back 20 minutes later!! THEN he tells me he has no experience in dealing with pain medication withdrawals and gave me a card to go to Greenwich Hsptl in Ct. for inpatient detox!!! No Fing way. While I'm miserable at times, for example though, I feel better now than I did last night, and better than I was yesterday. No way in hell I'm getting admitted to a hospital.

I guess I'll have to keep fighting it like a bad flue with home remedies, exercise and talking with ppl.

Yes, Abs, that's the only thing keeping me going so far, is being on the phone with family and talking non-stop.

But someone else read this page for me for an example. And almost all pages dealing with "opiate withdrawals" will tell you the same: (keep in mind, I am now on day 6) ( and as far as "benzos", I'm already on xanax and not coming off in the very near future anyway.)



http://www.medhelp.org/tags/health_page/45/Addiction/Protocol-for-unassisted-opiate-withdrawal-?hp_id=659

Sorry you are still having all this going on. The clonidine works on the premise that opiate withdrawal creates a flood of sympathetic nervous system chemicals. The drug reduces those chemical outbursts thereby controlling the symptoms such as diarrhea. It's a good choice and I have used it frequently for both opiate and alcohol withdrawal patients. Sounds like you need a new PCP if he couldn't think of anything else than inpatient care. Keep talking to us here and hope you're already doing better.

[jimnyc]

Sorry you are still having all this going on. The clonidine works on the premise that opiate withdrawal creates a flood of sympathetic nervous system chemicals. The drug reduces those chemical outbursts thereby controlling the symptoms such as diarrhea. It's a good choice and I have used it frequently for both opiate and alcohol withdrawal patients. Sounds like you need a new PCP if he couldn't think of anything else than inpatient care. Keep talking to us here and hope you're already doing better.

I don't think I can do this much more, I really think my body is going to give out. I put in emergency calls last night to my surgeon, and the pain management that did my epidural, who my surgeon told me to go see because of this. Neither ever called back. I watched Football as long as I could last night and thought this was it, I'm gonna sleep. Went upstairs to bed, laid in bed, and for 20mins I thought about all the things I was going to thank people for today that I finally slept and I see light at the end of the tunnel. I was VERY relaxed. But then I realized an hour later I was still awake. I tossed and turned and woke up at 1:30 soaking wet, flipped the pillow over, and tossed and turned to go back to sleep again, and have no idea how long it took. Woke up at 4:30, soaking wet, and the bed drenched. Put a towel on the bed, but when I laid down I had to pull sweaty sheets back over the top of me, didn't even care. Tossed and turned, got up about 7. Went to the gym, steam room and hot shower. Yes, diarrhea when I got up, and at the gym. Then I took my xanax to relax me. I called the pain management guy again and put in an emergency request. His staff called and they won't help me, referred me to the ER.

I have a wife, my son is home for the holidays, I just can't do that. If it was fluids, monitor me, give me a temp script of clonidine and send me home, that's one thing, but I can't get admitted right now.

I just don't understand. My therapist of 8 years, surgeon, pain guy who gave me epidural, primary physician, no one will help me. I've never suffered so much. I just want a good nights sleep, some energy back, so I can righfully fight this. But some things now are overbearing. Lost 22lbs now and can't really eat, but am properly hydrating myself. I just want this nightmare to end. I swear to everyone, I made a promise to myself, my life is changing if I can get past this, I want to do good things, I'm too young to be dealing with this or moving on to the next world.

By all inidications the worst should have past days ago, but I think my fear and anxiety are my worst enemy right now, along with not eating and not being able to sleep.

[Kathianne]

You remain in my thoughts and prayers. Seems like hospital may be your only answer, the docs seem to be giving you that message.

[Abbey Marie]

Jim, my admittedly amateur advice:

1. Force yourself to eat something. Jello maybe? I can always eat that no matter how badly I am feeling, even right after anesthesia.

2. Go for a walk and try to appreciate the little things in nature. It can be calming.

3. See your therapist as much as possible.

4. Consider the ER and/or inpatient help as you were advised. Your doctors may recognize that you need outside help with this.

5. Read Psalms over and over. Here are excerpts from a few:

Psalm 34:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 23:
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Psalm 32:
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 31:
Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.

Psalm 55:
Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.

Psalm 46:
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 43:
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Psalm 73:
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Psalm 28:
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.

[jimnyc]

You remain in my thoughts and prayers. Seems like hospital may be your only answer, the docs seem to be giving you that message.

Thanks, Kath, through it all you have always been a friend when I needed you. I honestly won't forget that.


Jim, my admittedly amateur advice:

1. Force yourself to eat something. Jello maybe? I can always eat that no matter how badly I am feeling, even right after anesthesia.

2. Go for a walk and try to appreciate the little things in nature. It can be calming.

3. See your therapist as much as possible.

4. Consider the ER and/or inpatient help as you were advised. Your doctors may recognize that you need outside help with this.

5. Read Psalms over and over. Here are excerpts from a few:

Psalm 34:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 23:
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Psalm 32:
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 31:
Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.

Psalm 55:
Cast your cares on the Lord
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall.

Psalm 46:
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 43:
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Psalm 73:
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Psalm 28:
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.

Abbey, you have no idea how much that helps. I'll give you an idea of my state of mind, I logged back in because reading those verses brought me to tears. I went down a similar path before, and turned to God, and was reading my Bible from the very beginning. Then when I was better, I turned my back on him. And now I'm seeking help again. I feel like even he doesn't want to help when I'm at my lowest point.

I've done so many bad things in my life, and have paid penalties for them, but not like this. I have a necessary surgery, admittedly "liked" the medication, and am now facing hell. I will never touch that stuff again. Why do I get punished more when it was something I technically needed, the surgery, and I was in real pain up till the surgery?

[Abbey Marie]

Thanks, Kath, through it all you have always been a friend when I needed you. I honestly won't forget that.



Abbey, you have no idea how much that helps. I'll give you an idea of my state of mind, I logged back in because reading those verses brought me to tears. I went down a similar path before, and turned to God, and was reading my Bible from the very beginning. Then when I was better, I turned my back on him. And now I'm seeking help again. I feel like even he doesn't want to help when I'm at my lowest point.

I've done so many bad things in my life, and have paid penalties for them, but not like this. I have a necessary surgery, admittedly "liked" the medication, and am now facing hell. I will never touch that stuff again. Why do I get punished more when it was something I technically needed, the surgery, and I was in real pain up till the surgery?

Jim, I know it seems that way, but you are NOT being punished. And God will never turn his back on you. Maybe you can look at it as you needed to have this hard of a time to ensure you never go that route again? Whatever makes sense to you that helps you get through it.

Please consider taking your doc's advice. I am sure experts will know how to ease your symptoms and make this process a little easier. Also you will be among people going through very similar experiences.

[aboutime]

jimnyc: Re-read my PM to you. I have been through everything you are telling us, and even more when I learned how desperate Cancer, and the CHEMO THERAPY makes you feel. And those drugs are exactly as bad.

Not trying to be a smart-ass here but. Listen, and take your Doc's advice.. DO IT!

Forget what other people might, or do think.

DO IT, and DO IT NOW! You should be in a hospital where the professionals can give you all of the care you need NOW.

Forget everything else. JUST DO IT!

If you want to tell me to mind my own business. Great. AS LONG AS YOU DO WHAT THE DOC SAYS.

As an Alcoholic....who's been down. And I do mean DOWN. Think of your family if not yourself FIRST.
If you pray. Now is the time to use prayer with the advice of your Doctor.
NO OTHER OPTIONS EXIST.

[jimnyc]

jimnyc: Re-read my PM to you. I have been through everything you are telling us, and even more when I learned how desperate Cancer, and the CHEMO THERAPY makes you feel. And those drugs are exactly as bad.

Not trying to be a smart-ass here but. Listen, and take your Doc's advice.. DO IT!

Forget what other people might, or do think.

DO IT, and DO IT NOW! You should be in a hospital where the professionals can give you all of the care you need NOW.

Forget everything else. JUST DO IT!

If you want to tell me to mind my own business. Great. AS LONG AS YOU DO WHAT THE DOC SAYS.

As an Alcoholic....who's been down. And I do mean DOWN. Think of your family if not yourself FIRST.
If you pray. Now is the time to use prayer with the advice of your Doctor.
NO OTHER OPTIONS EXIST.

I understand what you're saying, AT, I really do. But I've touched this subject with my wife a few times and she doesn't want me to go. She doesn't think they'll be helpful, thinks introducing any further drugs is wrong, and sees it as a waste of money. She says the cure is dealing with it and some time. I don't want to keep suffering, but I don't want to end my suffering and take a chance on losing someone I love so much. She's even against the clonodine if a doctor would have prescribed it. She says it's nothing fatal, just real uncomfortable and time will cure it. Of course she adds that if she was able to suffer for 9 months bearing a child, and then handle child birth, that I shouldn't complain.

I truly DO appreciate your advice. And please understand, and the others can chime in if they like, but I have quite a few unanswered PM's sitting there throughout all of this. I'm not doing it to ne a jerk or to ignore anyone, I just want to make sure that when I reply to people trying to be helpful to me, that I give it the time it deserves.

Today, the DAY of course, has been a tad better. I was able to eat 2 eggs and 3 pieces of toast. Later I had 2 strips of turkey, just the turkey, no sandwich or condiments. I also had a small slice of quiche for lunch. My stomach don't feel so great now, but I guess that's what happens when it misses food for so long. Of course I'm drinking a ton of water throughout.

Then I lay down on the couch to try and relax, maybe watch some TV. About 2 minutes later I feel a bit warm, so off come the shoes and socks. 2 minutes later the ceiling fan comes on. 2 minutes later I am pulling my sweats up to my kneecaps, then I start feeling a little flush and the sweats come.

[gabosaurus]

Then I lay down on the couch to try and relax, maybe watch some TV. About 2 minutes later I feel a bit warm, so off come the shoes and socks. 2 minutes later the ceiling fan comes on. 2 minutes later I am pulling my sweats up to my kneecaps, then I start feeling a little flush and the sweats come.

So you are having hot flashes? Your wife might be able to relate... :p

As I understand, it is a bit like quitting smoking cold turkey. Very difficult, but you get through it eventually.
I am more acquainted with drug withdrawal. From when I worked in a psych ward. Not very pleasant.

[jimnyc]

So you are having hot flashes? Your wife might be able to relate... :p

As I understand, it is a bit like quitting smoking cold turkey. Very difficult, but you get through it eventually.
I am more acquainted with drug withdrawal. From when I worked in a psych ward. Not very pleasant.

I understand the cigarette withdrawals all too well, yesterday was my 2 year anniversary since my last cigarette.

Jim - Free and Healing for Two Years, One Day, 7 Hours and 30 Minutes, while extending my life expectancy 127 Days and 3 Hours, by avoiding the use of 36616 nicotine delivery devices that would have cost me $18,870.03.

[Kathianne]

So you are having hot flashes? Your wife might be able to relate... :p

As I understand, it is a bit like quitting smoking cold turkey. Very difficult, but you get through it eventually.
I am more acquainted with drug withdrawal. From when I worked in a psych ward. Not very pleasant.

Gabby, it is drug withdrawals, opiates.

Today sounds better Jim, maybe you're over the hump? I pray it's so. Keep a blanket and a fan close by!

[gabosaurus]

I have experienced some horrible things in my life, but few compare to seeing teens in the grip of substance abuse. I am amazed at how many are willing to risk their futures for a few cheap highs. And this was before bath salts.

I once got a simple explanation on how to calm down someone going through withdrawal (a teen, admittedly, not an adult) and was astounded how often it worked.
You started with a box fan, or a radio tuned to static, to provide background noise. Since silence is an enemy. You then wrapped the person in a blanket and gave them water and some light food -- toast, popcorn, small pieces of fruit or vegetables. Then leave them alone.
I have no clue how it works, but it does.

[Kathianne]

I have experienced some horrible things in my life, but few compare to seeing teens in the grip of substance abuse. I am amazed at how many are willing to risk their futures for a few cheap highs. And this was before bath salts.

I once got a simple explanation on how to calm down someone going through withdrawal (a teen, admittedly, not an adult) and was astounded how often it worked.
You started with a box fan, or a radio tuned to static, to provide background noise. Since silence is an enemy. You then wrapped the person in a blanket and gave them water and some light food -- toast, popcorn, small pieces of fruit or vegetables. Then leave them alone.
I have no clue how it works, but it does.

Nice reply, perhaps Jim can show to Mrs. Jim. If you read his earlier posts Gabby, you'll see he was once young and dumb and messed with drugs now and again. As a dumb, older adult, (j/k Jim), he dappled in mj and some other things. With surgery he became hooked on opiates. That's now. Somehow I think he won't be dumb again, right J?

[jimnyc]

Gabby, it is drug withdrawals, opiates.

Today sounds better Jim, maybe you're over the hump? I pray it's so. Keep a blanket and a fan close by!

I don't know, I don't know. I've eaten a lot more today, and feel 50% better right now than I did last night, so I can only hope things get better when the lights go off.


I have experienced some horrible things in my life, but few compare to seeing teens in the grip of substance abuse. I am amazed at how many are willing to risk their futures for a few cheap highs. And this was before bath salts.

I once got a simple explanation on how to calm down someone going through withdrawal (a teen, admittedly, not an adult) and was astounded how often it worked.
You started with a box fan, or a radio tuned to static, to provide background noise. Since silence is an enemy. You then wrapped the person in a blanket and gave them water and some light food -- toast, popcorn, small pieces of fruit or vegetables. Then leave them alone.
I have no clue how it works, but it does.

It subconsciously occupies their brains and soothes their nerves and their brain concentrates on the sound instead of their fears. I'm trying that, but my brain is outwitting me so far. I have a new sounds machine for my table I will be trying on a timer tonight.


Nice reply, perhaps Jim can show to Mrs. Jim. If you read his earlier posts Gabby, you'll see he was once young and dumb and messed with drugs now and again. As a dumb, older adult, (j/k Jim), he dappled in mj and some other things. With surgery he became hooked on opiates. That's now. Somehow I think he won't be dumb again, right J?

Jim was dumb when he was young, and he was dumb in his middle years and was dumb as an adult. No 2 ways about it, and I'm man enough to be honest (you'll see more on that in a minute). As for will I be dumb again? I wouldn't take that bet if I were you. This thread is public and is welcome to be tossed back in my face. This is more than drugs for whatever reason, I want bigger changes than just that. It'll take time, but kicking all that garbage to the curb is just the start, and perhaps the hardest part.

[jimnyc]

So I went to speak to a priest at my Church today but won't be able to have a one on one with him until Friday am. The reason I went, is because the verses that helped me. Then I started reading my bible, and it further helped me. Then a friend recommended a singer to me called Matthew West, who is a Christian Rock musician (Yeah, I know, sounds like Jim is back on drugs). Although I have the entire album, this one song really spoke to me, which I'll post in a second. But let me add, when I went to the rectory today, it was mildly misting outside. My truck was parked no farther than 20 feet from the building. After I spoke with the secretary, I felt a little dejected that I couldn't speak to someone quicker. As I stepped out the door, it was still misting outside. I have a 20 foot walk, what's the odds? The skies opened up and it rained like it never rained before. I left my hood off and just looked up and let the rain hit me, it felt good for some reason, refreshing. I stood at the door of my truck for a few extra seconds to allow the water to drench me. Say what you will, but it felt like I sign to me. People in my family, and friends, always tell me about how they have received signs from God, or from passed on loved ones, and I never believed them because it never happened to me. I don't know what to think for sure, but I do know it felt good for a bit.

Back to this song, it's called fittingly "The healing has begun"

You have carried the weight of your secret for way too long
Thinking if there is a place called forgiveness you don't belong
Oh, but freedom can never be found behind those walls
So just let 'em fall
Just let 'em fall

Oh, the healing has begun
Oh, the healing has begun

How long has it been since you've felt anything but shame
Child, lift up your eyes cause mercy remembers your name
And those tears you've been holding back
Let 'em fall like rain
Cause today is the day
Yeah today is the day

Just lift your eyes
Lay it down
What once was lost
Has now been found

There's a world full of people dying from broken hearts
Holding on to their guilt thinking they fell too far
So don't be afraid to show them your beautiful scars
Cause they're the proof
Yeah, you're the proof

Oh, the healing has begun
Oh, the healing has begun

[WiccanLiberal]

Jimmy sounds like your spirit truly connected to something higher for sure. And I truly hope you are on the upswing now. Stay as strong as you have been. You've already come further by yourself than you could have imagined a few days ago.

[avatar4321]

You can do it Jim. And dont forget there is divine assistance to overcome every problem we face.

[Abbey Marie]

So I went to speak to a priest at my Church today but won't be able to have a one on one with him until Friday am. The reason I went, is because the verses that helped me. Then I started reading my bible, and it further helped me. Then a friend recommended a singer to me called Matthew West, who is a Christian Rock musician (Yeah, I know, sounds like Jim is back on drugs). Although I have the entire album, this one song really spoke to me, which I'll post in a second. But let me add, when I went to the rectory today, it was mildly misting outside. My truck was parked no farther than 20 feet from the building. After I spoke with the secretary, I felt a little dejected that I couldn't speak to someone quicker. As I stepped out the door, it was still misting outside. I have a 20 foot walk, what's the odds? The skies opened up and it rained like it never rained before. I left my hood off and just looked up and let the rain hit me, it felt good for some reason, refreshing. I stood at the door of my truck for a few extra seconds to allow the water to drench me. Say what you will, but it felt like I sign to me. People in my family, and friends, always tell me about how they have received signs from God, or from passed on loved ones, and I never believed them because it never happened to me. I don't know what to think for sure, but I do know it felt good for a bit.

Back to this song, it's called fittingly "The healing has begun"

You have carried the weight of your secret for way too long
Thinking if there is a place called forgiveness you don't belong
Oh, but freedom can never be found behind those walls
So just let 'em fall
Just let 'em fall

Oh, the healing has begun
Oh, the healing has begun

How long has it been since you've felt anything but shame
Child, lift up your eyes cause mercy remembers your name
And those tears you've been holding back
Let 'em fall like rain
Cause today is the day
Yeah today is the day

Just lift your eyes
Lay it down
What once was lost
Has now been found

There's a world full of people dying from broken hearts
Holding on to their guilt thinking they fell too far
So don't be afraid to show them your beautiful scars
Cause they're the proof
Yeah, you're the proof

Oh, the healing has begun
Oh, the healing has begun

Awesome, Jim.

I think I have to post the lyrics to my absolute favorite song (Let it Rain, by Eric Clapton) now:

The rain is falling through the mist of sorrow that surrounded me
The sun could never thaw away the the bliss that lays around me

Let it rain, let it rain
Let your love rain down on me
Let it rain, let it rain
Let it rain, rain, rain

Her life was like a desert flower burning in the sun
Until I found the way to love, it's harder said than done

Let it rain, let it rain
Let your love rain down on me
Let it rain, let it rain
Let it rain, rain, rain

Now I know the secret, there is nothing that I lack
If I give my love to you, you'll surely give it back

Let it rain, let it rain
Let your love rain down on me
Let it rain, let it rain
Let it rain, rain, rain

[jimnyc]

Again last night looked so promising and ended up not so much in that manner. I took a warm bath with lavender, relaxed and was positive all night. I took my night medications and was hanging with my wife just chatting about everyday things, something we never do. I laughed for the first time in 7 days, and felt a happiness about me that I haven't felt in a long, long time. I'm not sure if this helped or hindered, but I'm dying for a good nights sleep, so I added a Unisom to my meds shortly after. Once again I felt exhausted, watched TV and then went to my room to attempt sleep. About 30mins later, the "restless leg syndrome" kicked in, and for whatever reason, they were jerking around and just wanted to go. That's a horrid feeling when you want to sleep. So I took it in stride and went back down for more TV. But the RLS continued and I was uncomfortable for quite awhile. Back upstairs I came and tossed and turned for an hour or so until I finally fell asleep. I woke at 1:30, just with a wet head and was more or less able to roll over and fall back asleep. I tossed and turned, fell asleep and woke at 6:30 and the bed was literally drenched as if someone wet it with a hose. I did the cleaning thing, went to the bathroom, and laid down for about another 30-45 minutes and then got up.

Hit the gym again, no matter how much it hurts. Once "refreshed", I went to 9am mass. I felt so uncomfortable and out of place. It was all the elderly, and me there in the back row watching them to follow their lead. I had no idea what to do. Literally everyone got up to receive communion but me. I was always taught you must confess your sins before you can do so. At the end of the mass, they have a little area where you can make a donation, kneel and pray and light a candle, which I did.

Since then I've eaten, been drinking fluids and have spent the time cleaning up the junk out of room and finding TONS of things that means SO much to me that I had placed away and forgot. It'll probably take me a month with the energy I have, but the old goes out and the new comes in. Everything changes in my life, and reminders and all go away, and reminders of all the good things in my life come back out.

I'm wiped. No energy at all. But I continue to fight it the best I can, the gym, the food, the fluids and everything else I can possibly think of. It's a process I suppose, and I might be suffering for quite awhile, so I'm trying to make the best of it.

[fj1200]

... watched TV and then went to my room to attempt sleep.

Try watching one of the Futurama movies on Netflix. For some reason that show will just put me to sleep.

[WiccanLiberal]

Thank you for keeping us up to date. You have friends here who care about you. To my mind if you can take enough interest in things outside yourself, that's progress. And the spiritual focus is important.

[jimnyc]

So last night I felt better, but had the few nights prior as well, so was nervous of course. I had a light dinner and was sipping ginger ale during the evening for my anxious stomach. Someone was kind enough to refer me to a page for spiritual guidance and the reading was nice. There was a prayer on the site:


“Lord I realize that I am a sinner. I realize that I need your forgiveness. I believe that You paid the price for my sins on the cross. I believe that You rose again from the dead and want to have a relationship with me. Come into my life. Forgive me. Be my Lord. Be my God. I want to turn away from my sins and begin to follow You. Change me. Empower me with Your Holy Spirit to live my life for You in Jesus’ name, I pray, Amen.”

Of course I read it and of course I meant it. And the next line after reads: If you prayed that prayer, and meant it, you’ve begun a relationship with Jesus Christ, and God has forgiven you of your sins.

I don't understand why, but I felt better, as if I took a load off my chest. This honesty thing and seeking forgiveness for my wrongdoings seems to be comforting. I never did understand why I made all the dumb choices I did, but I did, and never looked back and never looked for understanding. I just figured if I didn't think about it, didn't tell anyone, that all was a-ok.

After that, of course I've been listening to this song over and over. Allow me to highlight the lines that really speak to "me" and my actions and faults...



You have carried the weight of your secret for way too long
Thinking if there is a place called forgiveness you don't belong
Oh, but freedom can never be found behind those walls
So just let 'em fall
Just let 'em fall

Oh, the healing has begun
Oh, the healing has begun

How long has it been since you've felt anything but shame
Child, lift up your eyes cause mercy remembers your name
And those tears you've been holding back
Let 'em fall like rain
Cause today is the day
Yeah today is the day

Just lift your eyes
Lay it down
What once was lost
Has now been found

There's a world full of people dying from broken hearts
Holding on to their guilt thinking they fell too far
So don't be afraid to show them your beautiful scars
Cause they're the proof
Yeah, you're the proof

After reading the prayer last evening, the site recommends to start reading the Bible further and the "Gospel of John", which of course I did. It's difficult for me to read, as I never really read the Bible before, but what I can understand is very comforting and also very intriguing.

I then chilled for awhile by the TV and took my regular medications. I tried to do things exactly as I had 2 weeks prior, same schedule, same dosages (minus the idiocy of course). I was so nervous going to bed. I had completely changed sheets and pillow cases due to all the sweating days prior. It felt so nice and refreshing to get in bed and be so comfy. But I grew a little uneasy when after about 45 minutes or so I had tossed and turned a bit. That was a tad after 11pm. I woke about 3:30am and felt fine, just had woke up. Rolled over and fell asleep again till 7:30. It was an 8.5 hour "sleep" and no sweating all over myself and bed! I felt disheveled and tired, but happy that I had finally slept! Of course this is day 9, and day 9 of going to the gym to sweat again and shower. I can't wait till I can start slowly working out again.

So laugh at the new Jim all you will, I no longer care about being honest, so long as I am, and am open. I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin, even with all of my faults. I'm just starting to feel like someone is helping me other than the support online and family on the phone. For the first time in my life I TRULY believe and WANT that help, I WANT that feeling that I am honest with God and repent all of my laundry list of sins.

My new life started 9 days ago, but I was just too sick and ashamed to know it at the time.

[Abbey Marie]

If anyone here laughs at you, I will flex my usually reserved Admin powers and ban them.

No kidding.

[LiberalNation]

User banned from thread.

[jimnyc]

If anyone here laughs at you, I will flex my usually reserved Admin powers and ban them.

No kidding.

I appreciate that sentiment, really do Abbey!! Not necessary though. I've done my share of laughing at and poking at people, it will only make me stronger. What I'm doing for myself right now is more important than what someone may think about me. I care right now what my wife thinks, my son, my family. I care about getting healthy and getting my energy back. Walking and doing little chores leaves me out of breath or aching. It's a battle. But I really don't care what the naysayers may think. I've had many, many years of being mean to people and a little in return won't kill me.


User banned from thread.

I honestly don't know if you really were thread banned or if you just wrote that. I'll check and reinstate you if so. Nothing you can possibly say to me is going to change my attitude, nor bring me down. I had more negativity in me in the last 9 days than the last 44 years of my life. You can push me right now and I'm simply not going to allow such things to set me back. Besides, although I have provoked you over the years, and you in return, I've spoken with you enough to know that deep inside you is a good person, and I don't think anything you would say would be from the heart, but rather to be sarcastic. So if ya wanna have fun, go ahead! :)

[jimnyc]

LN was unbanned from the thread. Abbey, you're a dear friend. But let anyone say what they need to. I think it would be important for me for what I'm going through, and maybe more so from people I have been mean to over the years. It's not going to hurt me, so don't worry. I've heard it all before anyway.

[Abbey Marie]

No promises, Jim.

:coffee:

[jimnyc]

No promises, Jim.

:coffee:

Well, I won't stop you. :) I just didn't want anyone think I asked you to, or was somehow incapable of handling criticism, especially from children. I can take as good as I give. I want to learn to respond better and turn the other cheek more, and I can't do that if the naysayers are prevented from testing me.

I think I can still be passionate about politics, and passionate in the way I right, and try the best I can to leave out the meanness and hostility. I'll be trying!

[jimnyc]

Wow, that's about it for me today. I have no energy left in my body. Just to talk politics and make a few passionate posts takes my strength away from me. I don't know what else to do, but keep eating healthy and keep the vitamins and fluids going. But just short walks around my house are kicking my ass. So I figured I would post a bit to take my mind off things, and it helped, but I'm whopped. I need to take a day off now! LOL I hope I didn't insult anyone, I'm learning, and want to learn to communicate with people in a better manner, even when a disagree. One can make their point better in a long respectful way than in a short "FU" like I used to do at times. I need to find a middle ground where I can be who I am politically, without insulting those who disagree. They disagree with me, but they are not my enemies. Gabby disagrees with me on most politics, and she is no enemy. I'd pay to take her and her hubby out to dinner in a NY minute if she wasn't 3,000 miles away. We can agree to disagree, or even be passionate without the hate, or so I believe.

In other words, I want to learn how to post like Abbey!! :salute:

[jimnyc]

I think this is the beginning of day 10 for me, I'm losing track, which I don't know is good or bad. As some of you may have noticed, I've been slowly trying to get back on my bike, with training wheels, and ride around the board a little. And make no mistake, that IS what it feels like to me, like I'm in rehab and learning to walk all over again. It's shameful, and humbling, but also refreshing to get so many things off my back, and off my chest, and know that I am trying to better myself and my life.

I'm nervous, as my neck/shoulder has been hurting for a few days. But it doesn't feel near the surgical area of the spine but rather a few inches below, like a stiff lower neck or sore muscle. I'm hoping it's just from all the tossing and turning and tension in my body. I still don't feel that pain I had before and not a single pain running to my shoulder blade or down my arms, so it's definitely a different pain, but it's scary when I feel it.

Last night again, grew tired as I watched the Giants game on Thursday night football. Took my final medications at around 9:45 or so and tried to go to bed around 10:30 as I couldn't keep my eyes open. Similar to the night before as the last time I looked at the clock it was around 11:45. So the difficulty now is in falling asleep. I'm not sure if I woke up during the night or not, my body and mind are too tired to notice at this point. I do know I got up at 6:20 to go to the bathroom. I'm surprised I made it that long with the amount of fluids I'm putting in my body. I tried to go back to bed, and may have gotten 10-15 minutes in there, not sure, but got out of bed for good at 7:15 this morning. Had my English breakfast tea, posted here, and then went to the gym for a session in the sauna. I'm afraid to even ride the stationary bike until this pain goes away in my neck area. I then took a LONG shower there and felt a little refreshed. As I was getting dressed, I realized I had forgotten to take my medicine when I woke up. This is actually good in a way, as one of them is for my nerves, the xanax. While small doses, they are a life saver right now when my anxiety rises. The past 9 days or so I would wake and almost have anxiety instantly, and felt I needed it as a crutch. I can't simply stop taking that as I've been taking it for so many years that it literally can kill you. After this, my taper period to get off of that will be about 5 years! LOL

Anyway, my son is home sick again, but luckily my wife is staying home today to be with him. He has a pretty good cold, fever and coughing.

I'm meeting with the Priest at my church at 10am this morning and looking forward to it. I don't want to be a slob, so I need to dress up a little at least, and that feels funny after being a damn slob for so long. I've always felt "cool" and have to wear my expensive jeans and white t-shirt or something that made me look "hardcore". Wouldn't want anyone to think I can be respectful and look nice! So anyway, it will be weird meeting with him, but I hope it helps. The last time I actually had a heart to heart with a Priest was with "Father O'neill", who was a friend of my Mom's. While I went to CCD, my Mom worked as a secretary at the church. Therefore, I got special treatment. That special treatment was abuse! He used to pull my ears and mess with me since he knew me, but was the kindest man in the world. I was too young to take in what was being taught to me and to understand the gifts being offered. Both Mom and Father O'neill have since passed on.

I'm hoping I come back with a new outlook. But either way, I continue on. I'm not turning back, I'm not changing back to who I was, I'm not giving up on the good things I want to do, or the good things I want to be. I don't want this to be words I write while suffering, only to turn my back when I feel better. I've done that route before, several times, and look where it got me. I'm going to see this through, whether the days and night get easier or not, and I assure you, I WILL be a better person as I come out of this long time of cloudiness and shame.

[logroller]

Hey Jim, thougt about doing this on PM, but I feel that would cheat others of what is sound advice-- quit counting the fucking days-- every day is day 1. Im not saying there's no tomorrow or yesterday, but today is the only day you have influence upon-- so make the most of it. Talking about yesterday or ten days ago or two weeks ago-- depressing bro! Obsessing over that shit is what makes getting stoned more appealing-- just to numb the pain and angst. Live for today. Not as your last day, but your first. Whats for Lunch? You said your son is sick and your wife is home with you-- sweet bro-- family day! Is there a good soup you could go pick up for you and your family to have? Go get it! Do something, anything. Maybe it'll suck and you'll feel terrible; but that's life and you gotta believe its better than the alternative. God blesses all of us; you just got to embrace it.

[jimnyc]

Hey Jim, thougt about doing this on PM, but I feel that would cheat others of what is sound advice-- quit counting the fucking days-- every day is day 1. Im not saying there's no tomorrow or yesterday, but today is the only day you have influence upon-- so make the most of it. Talking about yesterday or ten days ago or two weeks ago-- depressing bro! Obsessing over that shit is what makes getting stoned more appealing-- just to numb the pain and angst. Live for today. Not as your last day, but your first. Whats for Lunch? You said your son is sick and your wife is home with you-- sweet bro-- family day! Is there a good soup you could go pick up for you and your family to have? Go get it! Do something, anything. Maybe it'll suck and you'll feel terrible; but that's life and you gotta believe its better than the alternative. God blesses all of us; you just got to embrace it.

Thanks, Log!

Deep inside I know what you are saying is spot on. But I feel like I have a bit of a compulsive disorder, where I dwell on things and repeat things. Even now with going to the gym daily, it's a form of retraining your brain to new things, but at the same time it's an obsession of sorts. It's who I am. But I need to take what I know about myself and use my faults as a positive and stop finding crutches for them.

But your advice is very sound, and I plan on doing just that today, just enjoying the day, my family, the sun, and the fact that I am MUCH better than I was a few weeks ago, and even better than yesterday. One day at a time, but I'll take your advice and try to face each day individually instead of the last day in the process. Everyday is day one of the new me I suppose. I don't know, I'm just so confused lately, and that might be even more reason to do exactly what you're saying instead of dwelling on this as if it's a long term process, even if it is.

Thanks, buddy!

[fj1200]

... I am MUCH better than I was a few weeks ago, and even better than yesterday.

Good words from log but I'll say that it's also good to keep in mind how far you've come.

[jimnyc]

Good words from log but I'll say that it's also good to keep in mind how far you've come.

Thanks, FJ!

It's sometimes hard to see progress when you still suffer, but when I have moments of lucidity, I see the progress. As weird as this may sound, I think I needed this suffering to find the lost person inside me, and to finally keep me from living the life I was. Amazing how such a surgery, drugs, long drug use and legit drug use and unbearable suffering - will teach you lessons no professor could ever dream of doing. I've had more than enough "fun" in my life for 100 people. It's over, I'm getting too old for it. I just turned 44 on July 1st and still feel in my brain like I'm 18 at times, and that's because I never truly allowed myself to grow up and mature.

[Abbey Marie]

Jim, if only you were a Giants fan. You would have had a ball last night!

On a more serious note, I am sure everyone here can attest that you sound 1,000 times better in the past couple of days than you did previously. Sometimes it's hard to see that when you are the one doing it, but I think you do notice the difference.

So, to combine log's and fj's advice, enjoy and appreciate how far you've already progressed (kind of like looking at the scale and seeing the weight you've lost), but focus on the present if you can.

-Abbey

PS I love fj's soup advice. :cool:

[fj1200]

PS I love fj's soup advice. :cool:

I'd love to take credit, but that was log. :)

[Trinity]

Jim congratulations on coming as far as you have!! Hang in there it's almost over.....

Now I have a question for you......

Do you mind of I use your posts here in a story for my blog? The blog is different stories about a group of high school kids and some of the things they deal with on a daily basis....drugs, sex, friendships, suicide, etc.

Here's the link to the blog.....http://hormonalhigh.blogspot.com/ so you can get a better understanding of what I am doing in regards to stories posted there.

Your story, I would do in the manner of an adult who realizes his addictive nature, and all of the trials he is going through to become clean. You have posted a daily account of what you have been going through and I think you are doing an awesome job keeping it all together!

Your story I would do in a diary kind of sense, kind of like you have done here. I will of course change your name and will not use anyone else's comments from this thread only your posts on what you have gone through. But I think this thread about what you have dealt with could be a really big eye opener for some of the teens who I know read my blog. :cool:

And of course.... I will let you proof read it, before I post it. ;)

[jimnyc]

Absolutely, Trinity, I have no issue with that at all. Change up the user name a tad and don't point back here is all I ask. If my struggles can make a few people think about the consequences of habitual using of ANY drug, then my writings on your blog would be well worth it. It's not my place to tell kids what they should and shouldn't do, how to have fun and how not to, I would be a hypocrite. But there are consequences for our actions, even if it is fun. They should be aware that if they take their fun to the next level, and make a lifestyle out of it, it could very well ruin their lives. I'm not a preacher to others, but I don't mind sharing my retarded mistakes!

[Abbey Marie]

I'd love to take credit, but that was log. :)

:eek:

[Trinity]

Absolutely, Trinity, I have no issue with that at all. Change up the user name a tad and don't point back here is all I ask. If my struggles can make a few people think about the consequences of habitual using of ANY drug, then my writings on your blog would be well worth it. It's not my place to tell kids what they should and shouldn't do, how to have fun and how not to, I would be a hypocrite. But there are consequences for our actions, even if it is fun. They should be aware that if they take their fun to the next level, and make a lifestyle out of it, it could very well ruin their lives. I'm not a preacher to others, but I don't mind sharing my retarded mistakes!



name is changed and no link back to here. :thumb: Thanks Jim!!

[jimnyc]

name is changed and no link back to here. :thumb: Thanks Jim!!

More than welcome! Let me know if you get any good feedback, I'd be interested to hear. :)

[Robert A Whit]

Last night was the worst for various reasons. Suffice to say, and I'll say more later, I had a severe anxiety attack at about 7:30pm. It was so bad I asked my wife to bring me to the hospital. She made a hot bath for me instead and I took one of my prescribed xanax to calm down a little. I have a habit of letting fear dictate my anxiety, and last night I was terrified to go to bed.

Anyway, got dressed and got under covers on the couch and tried to rest. Kinda made it about an hour as the anxiety was still going and I developed a whopper of a headache. I took my regular medications at 8:50 and went to my room to try and sleep. I tossed and turned with the headache, even tried sleeping sitting up. The only thing I was able to do was find a decent spot and deal with it. Last I checked it was like 1:15am. Next thing I know it was like 4:30 and I woke up. The headache was remarkably better, but still there, and the bed was soaked. I cleaned up my bed and took 2 tylenol. This helped my head, but my sleep was done for the night and I got up a little while later after fighting the tossing and turning. Had a morning tea and forced myself to the gym for the sauna and then a hot shower. That was a rather scary night.

Full disclosure:

I probably shouldn't do this, but I need to share, be honest and get through this. So, you know I'm dealing with these Oxy withdrawals which is the worst of it. My doctor last week started tapering my Seroquel, which is for my sleep disorder. And in case some haven't noticed from a bunch of my posts, I have had an issue over and over through the years with smoking the green stuff. I started at a young age, quit, picked up again, quit, picked up, and the last I quit was 2/2011. I'm not sure when, but sometime late last year or early this year I started a little again. Not a bad user, but habitual. I would roll one which would last me 2-3 days, where in my younger years I would smoke 3 a day with friends. Now I was using it to help me relax and go to sleep at night, and I convinced myself that made it alright. So when I started the Oxy withdrawals, I said to myself, do you really want to live like this on and off ever again? My answer was a resounding NO. I flushed everything immediately, I swear to God. I quite smoking cigarettes 2 years ago about and never looked back, but I can't understand how I let this one back into my life.

So I'm dealing with the perfect storm. The Oxy hell, tapering a medicine which alters brain chemistry & the herb issue. The only reason the doc is tapering me off of the Seroquel is because my cholesterol is much too high. So I am remaining on my regular dosage for a few days to get over this hill. The green stuff, and I said this before, never again. Pills, even for pain, unless it's Advil or Tylenol, never again. But I still need to see this through.

I should be more or less past the Oxy issue, with some lasting depression, aches and pains and fatigue. The green will raise my anxiety for a week or so, and then with a proper workout and eating right, I should be back to normal.

Last year I was off everything but my anti=depressant and Xanax, and I was literally thrilled. I hit the gym so much, it was awesome. I was so proud of myself, and I was getting healthier and feeling so much better. I have no idea why I was such a fucking dumbass and picked up the green, and then this surgery comes around and I enjoy the pills too much. I suppose that makes me an addict, and I'm embarrassed to admit that, but I'm working to get better, for the last time. That's why I would rather suffer now and feel better next week. I want to feel good again, build my relationship with my wife and son. I don't want to lock myself in my room to be afraid of who I am, so I'm making the necessary changes.

I'm hoping I'm through the worst of all of it, but I'm no dummy and I no that more hard days will be ahead. I just need to be able to sleep a little, gain some energy for the day so I can go back to being a workout nut again, eat and drink right, and I'll be back to who I want to be. But it's hard. It really is. I really am not proud of any of this, and truly am embarrassed to tell this story, but the honesty makes me feel better, and will make me see this thread as a reminder.

Judge me if you like, I probably deserve it, but I would prefer a few prayers.

When I was a teen, Frank Sinatra starred in the movie called Man with a Golden Arm. He was in agony as he tried to kick Heroin. Your story reminds me of that film. Great music in it too featuring the great Dave Brubeck.

My son in law has terrible head aches and had neck surgery twice due to an on the job accident where a man ran into the back of him as he drove one of the city cars. Turns out the Dept. made him retire on a disability. Good thing he was civil service since he gets a whopping monthly payment plus took a full time job working for one of the internet banks. Turns out he pretty much doubled his revenue due to tax breaks given to him on his disabled retirement (1/2 being tax free and he pays regular income taxes on the job he has. Still the pain in his neck and his headaches leaves him wondering how long this job will put up with his ailments.

[jimnyc]

When I was a teen, Frank Sinatra starred in the movie called Man with a Golden Arm. He was in agony as he tried to kick Heroin. Your story reminds me of that film. Great music in it too featuring the great Dave Brubeck.

My son in law has terrible head aches and had neck surgery twice due to an on the job accident where a man ran into the back of him as he drove one of the city cars. Turns out the Dept. made him retire on a disability. Good thing he was civil service since he gets a whopping monthly payment plus took a full time job working for one of the internet banks. Turns out he pretty much doubled his revenue due to tax breaks given to him on his disabled retirement (1/2 being tax free and he pays regular income taxes on the job he has. Still the pain in his neck and his headaches leaves him wondering how long this job will put up with his ailments.

I'm sorry to hear that about your SIL, and I hope he's not suffering. Retiring and having money is great, but I found out the hard way that nothing in this world can stop your suffering, but yourself, and time. I wish him a full and speedy recovery. Myself, I'd rather take a 1/4 of the money, feel better, have peace within me, and be able to LIVE again rather than be dependent on money and medicine to get through the day.

Thanks for sharing, Robert!

[jimnyc]

I watched "Passion of the Christ" last evening. That was perhaps the most powerful movie I've ever seen. My version was in another language, maybe Hebrew? Either way, had to watch it with subtitles, but it was just as good. Jim Caviezel or however you spell it was beyond awesome. His Mother, who may not have had a lot of speaking lines, was fantastic just as a Mom and the fear and anticipation on her face.

The movie really got to me, and brought out a lot of emotions, and that's how you know the acting is great. When he was being beaten, and the guys were enjoying it a bit too much, I wanted to reach through my screen and choke them. I had to remind myself that they were actors. But it still brought out a flood of emotions, and the largest one being anger, and I don't know why. I don't want to be angry anymore, that's a horrible feeling to carry around, and it's embarrassing when one loses their temper and then must live with their own actions.

But I fell asleep a 'little' faster last night. Went to bed around 10:15 and I think I was out by 11. Got up at 4am to go to the bathroom (50 gallons of water!) and was able to sleep again till about 6:45. So there's progress at nights now too.

Off to the gym again, going to try to stationary bike a little and then the steam room. Not much else I can do, but it's a routine to get some cardio going and sure beats trying to beat back the feelings by taking a hit of marijuana!

[WiccanLiberal]

Your posts are so much more positive and I am glad you are feeling better. Sounds like you can start enjoying your life again. It's a beautiful day today, get out in the sun some and soak up the happy.

[fj1200]

I watched "Passion of the Christ" last evening. That was perhaps the most powerful movie I've ever seen. My version was in another language, maybe Hebrew? Either way, had to watch it with subtitles, but it was just as good.


Aramaic iirc. The whole movie was filmed in the original language so no English version available.

Stay strong.

[jimnyc]

Your posts are so much more positive and I am glad you are feeling better. Sounds like you can start enjoying your life again. It's a beautiful day today, get out in the sun some and soak up the happy.


Aramaic iirc. The whole movie was filmed in the original language so no English version available.

Stay strong.

Thanks, guys, appreciate all of the kind words and support here.

I had my appointment with my psychiatrist/therapist/shrink/nut doctor this morning. I've been seeing him for about 8 years. I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I and Mania. I am on an anti-depressant and another medication for the mania (no, don't call me a maniac! It just means my brain is like Johnny 5 from short circuit, constantly wants input and NEVER slows down). So I deal with highs and lows, and live a life of anxiousness and restlessness.

Anyway, any doctor needing to treat you properly needs to know everything about you. I've been less than honest with him over the years and never told him about my marijuana use. I was at the Church yesterday and did my confessional. Today, I finally did it and told my doctor every last detail. I feel like a 500lb weight has been lifted off of me. I'm still struggling, but making strides daily and getting back into the swing of things. It's a matter of healing my body, and I'm slowly taking the time to heal my "head" too.

Oh, and I got me a new chair this morning too! One that will support my neck properly and keep me from having yet another surgery now that 2 are down. I love this chair!!

http://i47.tinypic.com/28he9hz.jpg

[gabosaurus]

My husband has a similar chair for work (designed by a back surgeon, costs a whole lot) and a recliner for home. He has to get up and walk around a lot. But he is in much less pain now than before.

[jimnyc]

My husband has a similar chair for work (designed by a back surgeon, costs a whole lot) and a recliner for home. He has to get up and walk around a lot. But he is in much less pain now than before.

Please call my wife and tell her that a humongous leather recliner is a necessity! I want one of those double wide ones that you can actually sleep in if you have to, but she won't let me. :(

[Abbey Marie]

Please call my wife and tell her that a humongous leather recliner is a necessity! I want one of those double wide ones that you can actually sleep in if you have to, but she won't let me. :(

We once bought a very comfortable leather recliner. I sent it back in a couple of days because it didn't look right in the room. We now have a perfectly coordinated but not so comforatable chair in its place. Women vs. Men. The eternal struggle!

[jimnyc]

Sometimes I try to engage individuals in polite discussions, sometimes they get heated, sometimes they are sarcastic. But I'm always passionate about what I post and always try to respond to everything asked of me and always try to take the time to make sure I'm making a well thought out post.

Every once in awhile someone angers me by ignoring questions, responding with a few words or a single sentence when I took the time to spend 15-30 minutes on a post. Or I'll address political figures or unknown individuals around the world, only to be told myself that I am a bigot, racist, uneducated or all other lovely descriptions about myself. Many times I will still poke and prod for answers and discussion to try to get my point across, or in the hopes of having that individual step up the game and play at a better level. Sometimes it works, and sometimes I get trolled by my own members. And sometimes I shake my head an move on, and sometimes I get agitated and reply with my anger/sarcasm, but always remain with the truth, even if bitter and can be offensive.

I went too far with this apparently with Dilloduck. I'm sorry I allowed my feelings to rise up and be used against myself. I suppose with all I have been going through that my emotions aren't exactly in check right now, but I am trying. But publicly, I want to say that I acknowledge I allowed words on a screen to get to me and I should have turned the other cheek and just went down and watched some college football. I am sorry, Dilloduck.

But, I have been told I am embarrassing myself, and perhaps that's true. I have been told I am on the level of Virgil and Pale Rider. That thought sickens me. I don't want to be on their level.

I believe the time has come, time to start anew perhaps and leave behind something that apparently is causing me to be "not nice" to others. My plan is likely to drop ownership here, but ensure a repeat of my sale of USMB doesn't happen. I'll ensure it ends up in a manner that things remain exactly as they are now. But this place doesn't need someone steering the ship that is going back and forth across the river leading us to hit the rocks.

You all have my SINCEREST apologies for my outbursts in the past few days. I did not seek out to post in that manner, the feelings kind of poured out of me and I acted in a manner unbecoming of who I want the "new me" to be. For now I will be taking a break until I can decide who I think is best to take over the wheel and steer this great place in a straight line.

[tailfins]

You all have my SINCEREST apologies for my outbursts in the past few days. I did not seek out to post in that manner, the feelings kind of poured out of me and I acted in a manner unbecoming of who I want the "new me" to be. For now I will be taking a break until I can decide who I think is best to take over the wheel and steer this great place in a straight line.

As long as you avoid a "board NAZI" (kind of like Seinfeld's "Soup NAZI"), everything is fine. We don't need a carbon copy of RedState.com or DemocraticUnderground.com (trying to be bi-partisan in my criticism). You don't use bans, edits, etc., to mess with people. You're fine in my book.

[Trigg]

Jimmy, honestly, I think you do a great job with this board.

You let people rant, to a point. Everyone needs to rant once in a while and this board allows that to happen.


Members visit occasionally and members visit daily. I didn't realize anything out of the ordinary had happened until ths thead.

Don't beat yourself up over a bad day, it happends to everyone. The people who said you were on the level of Virgil are crazy. You are IMHO fair and let threads evolve.

Please don't bail

[jimnyc]

As long as you avoid a "board NAZI", everything is fine. We don't need a carbon copy of RedState.com or DemocraticUnderground.com (trying to be bi-partisan in my criticism).

No one would EVER take over DP that would not allow the amount of freedom of speech I strive for, and lack of moderating I ask of staff. I LOVE this place, it's a second home, and I LOVE every member that posts here, even those I fight with. So I will treat it with the respect it deserves. Darin and Abbey have more of my respect than they will ever dream of, and I don't want to be presumptuous right now, but I would love to see them continue righting what I am wronging.

[jimnyc]

Jimmy, honestly, I think you do a great job with this board.

You let people rant, to a point. Everyone needs to rant once in a while and this board allows that to happen.


Members visit occasionally and members visit daily. I didn't realize anything out of the ordinary had happened until ths thead.

Don't beat yourself up over a bad day, it happends to everyone. The people who said you were on the level of Virgil are crazy. You are IMHO fair and let threads evolve.

Please don't bail

I believe I'm fair too, and always allow everyone to speak and allow threads to take their course that members want them to take. But this is about the chump running the place who can't seem to even get his own head on straight let alone appropriately give this place the care and direction it needs. While I was upset with Dillo, no way in hell did he deserve the scorn and trash I sent his way. I posted in a single thread for a week or so to keep my brain occupied and get some help. Everyone here was so kind and supportive, and it made me love this place that much more. And how do I repay that kindness? As soon as I start posting again, I get these weird emotions all over me, that I can't explain, that were completely out of character, to an extent, and I embarrass myself. I came back to the "rest" of the board way too soon and I am doing more damage than I am helping.

[Robert A Whit]

I don't think I can do this much more, I really think my body is going to give out. I put in emergency calls last night to my surgeon, and the pain management that did my epidural, who my surgeon told me to go see because of this. Neither ever called back. I watched Football as long as I could last night and thought this was it, I'm gonna sleep. Went upstairs to bed, laid in bed, and for 20mins I thought about all the things I was going to thank people for today that I finally slept and I see light at the end of the tunnel. I was VERY relaxed. But then I realized an hour later I was still awake. I tossed and turned and woke up at 1:30 soaking wet, flipped the pillow over, and tossed and turned to go back to sleep again, and have no idea how long it took. Woke up at 4:30, soaking wet, and the bed drenched. Put a towel on the bed, but when I laid down I had to pull sweaty sheets back over the top of me, didn't even care. Tossed and turned, got up about 7. Went to the gym, steam room and hot shower. Yes, diarrhea when I got up, and at the gym. Then I took my xanax to relax me. I called the pain management guy again and put in an emergency request. His staff called and they won't help me, referred me to the ER.

I have a wife, my son is home for the holidays, I just can't do that. If it was fluids, monitor me, give me a temp script of clonidine and send me home, that's one thing, but I can't get admitted right now.

I just don't understand. My therapist of 8 years, surgeon, pain guy who gave me epidural, primary physician, no one will help me. I've never suffered so much. I just want a good nights sleep, some energy back, so I can righfully fight this. But some things now are overbearing. Lost 22lbs now and can't really eat, but am properly hydrating myself. I just want this nightmare to end. I swear to everyone, I made a promise to myself, my life is changing if I can get past this, I want to do good things, I'm too young to be dealing with this or moving on to the next world.

By all inidications the worst should have past days ago, but I think my fear and anxiety are my worst enemy right now, along with not eating and not being able to sleep.

Call the White House and explain how ready you are for Obamacare.
Surely he has time for you.:beer:

[logroller]

I believe I'm fair too, and always allow everyone to speak and allow threads to take their course that members want them to take. But this is about the chump running the place who can't seem to even get his own head on straight let alone appropriately give this place the care and direction it needs. While I was upset with Dillo, no way in hell did he deserve the scorn and trash I sent his way. I posted in a single thread for a week or so to keep my brain occupied and get some help. Everyone here was so kind and supportive, and it made me love this place that much more. And how do I repay that kindness? As soon as I start posting again, I get these weird emotions all over me, that I can't explain, that were completely out of character, to an extent, and I embarrass myself. I came back to the "rest" of the board way too soon and I am doing more damage than I am helping.
Welcome to sobriety. We all do that shit from time to time, apologize, learn from your mistake and move on. If the board is your problem, then well, i guess you gotta split-- but do so admirably-- don't just bail dude-- you're stronger than that. Honestly, get some help; maybe some mor Admins-- that's what they're there for and you've been short on staff for awhile now.

[Trinity]

Well Jim I have no idea what you are referring to in this thread. I have not run across anything you have posted that seemed off, but I don't read everything either.

However I did do a little bit of searching after the withdrawal thread, and based on what I have found and what you are saying, that is completely normal behavior. It sucks but part of the process. Here is a quote and the link to more info.

But while the substances you're withdrawing from may escape your body in a matter of days, it often takes a lot longer than that for your mind to return to “normal.” Exactly how much longer depends on which substance you used, along with how much, how long, and how often.

http://www.thefix.com/content/one-big-pain-brain



For now I would say don't bail...just take a break. You will be fine.

[aboutime]

Sometimes I try to engage individuals in polite discussions, sometimes they get heated, sometimes they are sarcastic. But I'm always passionate about what I post and always try to respond to everything asked of me and always try to take the time to make sure I'm making a well thought out post.

Every once in awhile someone angers me by ignoring questions, responding with a few words or a single sentence when I took the time to spend 15-30 minutes on a post. Or I'll address political figures or unknown individuals around the world, only to be told myself that I am a bigot, racist, uneducated or all other lovely descriptions about myself. Many times I will still poke and prod for answers and discussion to try to get my point across, or in the hopes of having that individual step up the game and play at a better level. Sometimes it works, and sometimes I get trolled by my own members. And sometimes I shake my head an move on, and sometimes I get agitated and reply with my anger/sarcasm, but always remain with the truth, even if bitter and can be offensive.

I went too far with this apparently with Dilloduck. I'm sorry I allowed my feelings to rise up and be used against myself. I suppose with all I have been going through that my emotions aren't exactly in check right now, but I am trying. But publicly, I want to say that I acknowledge I allowed words on a screen to get to me and I should have turned the other cheek and just went down and watched some college football. I am sorry, Dilloduck.

But, I have been told I am embarrassing myself, and perhaps that's true. I have been told I am on the level of Virgil and Pale Rider. That thought sickens me. I don't want to be on their level.

I believe the time has come, time to start anew perhaps and leave behind something that apparently is causing me to be "not nice" to others. My plan is likely to drop ownership here, but ensure a repeat of my sale of USMB doesn't happen. I'll ensure it ends up in a manner that things remain exactly as they are now. But this place doesn't need someone steering the ship that is going back and forth across the river leading us to hit the rocks.

You all have my SINCEREST apologies for my outbursts in the past few days. I did not seek out to post in that manner, the feelings kind of poured out of me and I acted in a manner unbecoming of who I want the "new me" to be. For now I will be taking a break until I can decide who I think is best to take over the wheel and steer this great place in a straight line.


jimnyc: There is NO NEED. Nor are you required to apologize here for anything you have said to anyone, at any time.

You are better than that, and only those who might be offended, or complain about being insulted here...for any reason. Should be Thick Skinned enough to come here and grow up since...THIS IS A FORUM.
If anyone came here with the Intent of Only Finding a large group of other EASILY convinced, YES Men/Women who practice appeasement to keep them happy all of their life. They should find a fitting, more receptive LIBERAL site where everything is PRE-ARRANGED by others who pretend to THINK for themselves. But instead. Depend on others to live, and think for them at all times.

Nothing wrong with you jimnyc!

It's just the lousy odds of being in a world full of typical a-holes who always demand. Only THEY know everything, and that everyone else who doesn't agree with them....IS ALWAYS WRONG. It's a sickness in America, called Liberal Vacuum Wrapping. Emptiness between the ears.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Im not sure what all this is about but I'd like to say that not a man alive that hasnt made sevreal big mistakes in their life. Some that one would even considering giving an arm if it could cancel that mistake out, make it have never happened! I know that I had more than my fair share of them myself.
For what its worth, take time to catch your breath and then come back as yourself.
A cooler head on another day perhaps.
Just chucking it would in my opinion not help at all. If you've wronged somebody and then sincerely apologised not much more to do. Start afresh and see how it goes my friend.
My two cents for what its worth.-Tyr

[Robert A Whit]

I'm sorry to hear that about your SIL, and I hope he's not suffering. Retiring and having money is great, but I found out the hard way that nothing in this world can stop your suffering, but yourself, and time. I wish him a full and speedy recovery. Myself, I'd rather take a 1/4 of the money, feel better, have peace within me, and be able to LIVE again rather than be dependent on money and medicine to get through the day.

Thanks for sharing, Robert!

Despite his pain, he wants to keep working. His income in civil service was over $100,000 per year and he is only about 51. His plan was to reach full retirement that though taxed, is more percentage than he gets now. However, due to his status as having half that income tax free, may have done better than full retirement.

Bear in mind, he did not seek disability retirement. He wanted a lighter duty than being out on the streets and as much as they were able to, the department worked with him.

In his case, him taking a new job has no negative bearing on the retirement. It was forced on him so he is secure in knowing that part won't go away. He had managed to get into the situation where every dollar he could earn mattered. So even with the generous retirement, he was falling way behind on bills. The current job was a must. He did not save. I for personal reasons can't tell all their story but he shares the problem of daily pain you have. As to drugs? I can't say. I don't know what drugs he takes. Generally he eats his last meal and heads for bed. He does not complain. I really do enjoy your posts and am pulling for you to slap this problem around and recover soon with no pain. I don't think he can get to be pain free. His surgeons fused some neck vertabrae. When he has surgery, he prays it will fix the problem. So far, two and nothing is really better.

Despite his pain, when I had a heart bypass he rushed out to help me as much as he could.

My daughter does not like talking much about that problem so when we talk, she tends to say few words about it.

I wish I could help.

I am sure many of us wish we could help you.

[logroller]

^i think two cents needs to adjusted for current inflation....just my dollar-fifty!

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

^i think two cents needs to adjusted for current inflation....just my dollar-fifty!

Ok, just my buck fifty then.-;)-tzs

[aboutime]

Ok, just my buck fifty then.-;)-tzs


Either of you got change for an OBAMA BUCK? (Can't find our Monopoly game anywhere)

[jimnyc]

Welcome to sobriety. We all do that shit from time to time, apologize, learn from your mistake and move on. If the board is your problem, then well, i guess you gotta split-- but do so admirably-- don't just bail dude-- you're stronger than that. Honestly, get some help; maybe some mor Admins-- that's what they're there for and you've been short on staff for awhile now.

Bipolar, ups and downs, indecision, rash decisions and irrational decisions. They say that lawyers, doctors, athletes and even Einstein had it, but I'm certainly not anywhere near the caliber of that group, but that's what I deal with. And yep, sobriety is a bitch. I'm not even noticing some of my emotions creeping up on me until it's too late, and then I need to apologize for things. I hate that, and was hoping I could change that about myself, but since Rome wasn't built in a day, I suppose I can't fix my issues in 11 days. But not liking yourself is very difficult to deal with. I was recently told by someone to do everything I do in life with love in my heart. I believed that to be a fabulous idea, and I tried to build on it, but it's difficult.


Well Jim I have no idea what you are referring to in this thread. I have not run across anything you have posted that seemed off, but I don't read everything either.

However I did do a little bit of searching after the withdrawal thread, and based on what I have found and what you are saying, that is completely normal behavior. It sucks but part of the process. Here is a quote and the link to more info.

But while the substances you're withdrawing from may escape your body in a matter of days, it often takes a lot longer than that for your mind to return to “normal.” Exactly how much longer depends on which substance you used, along with how much, how long, and how often.

http://www.thefix.com/content/one-big-pain-brain

For now I would say don't bail...just take a break. You will be fine.

Thanks, Trinity, I will read that. I had done some reading in the past week where they mentioned PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms), but I bypassed it thinking I wasn't a candidate. I thought 2 months on Oxycodon would suck, but not life altering. I thought marijuana was illegal, but not life altering. I thought my surgery left a nasty scar, and was painful, but not life altering. I suppose the training wheels go back on. I took 2 steps forward in the past few days and now I took 5 steps backwards. But with indecision aside here, I will not give up, I will not fail.


jimnyc: There is NO NEED. Nor are you required to apologize here for anything you have said to anyone, at any time.

You are better than that, and only those who might be offended, or complain about being insulted here...for any reason. Should be Thick Skinned enough to come here and grow up since...THIS IS A FORUM.
If anyone came here with the Intent of Only Finding a large group of other EASILY convinced, YES Men/Women who practice appeasement to keep them happy all of their life. They should find a fitting, more receptive LIBERAL site where everything is PRE-ARRANGED by others who pretend to THINK for themselves. But instead. Depend on others to live, and think for them at all times.

Nothing wrong with you jimnyc!

It's just the lousy odds of being in a world full of typical a-holes who always demand. Only THEY know everything, and that everyone else who doesn't agree with them....IS ALWAYS WRONG. It's a sickness in America, called Liberal Vacuum Wrapping. Emptiness between the ears.

I'm afraid sometimes apologies are necessary, AT. While I appreciate your sentiment, and agree with a fair amount of it, we shouldn't have carte blanche to come here and humiliate someone or act like one would in the ghetto. We are ALL better than that, and Lord knows you all deserve better from the bastard running the show! Dilloduck is deserving of more than an apology, but that's unfortunately all I can offer for being a jerk. I can't take the words back, I made a mistake, and an apology is necessary. You must not be familiar with "Virgil" or "Pale Rider". To be told I am in their company of behavior is an eye opener and the worst comparison that can ever be told to me, even if it might be true.


Im not sure what all this is about but I'd like to say that not a man alive that hasnt made sevreal big mistakes in their life. Some that one would even considering giving an arm if it could cancel that mistake out, make it have never happened! I know that I had more than my fair share of them myself.
For what its worth, take time to catch your breath and then come back as yourself.
A cooler head on another day perhaps.
Just chucking it would in my opinion not help at all. If you've wronged somebody and then sincerely apologised not much more to do. Start afresh and see how it goes my friend.
My two cents for what its worth.-Tyr

Thanks, Tyr. Suffice to say, when I didn't get a response I wanted, and got what I felt was indifference and a lack of respect towards the time I was placing into my posts, I replied like a child instead of doing what I so badly wanted to do, which is shake my head, turn the other cheek and be the bigger man. That sounds so, so easy, but in reality, for me, it's difficult when my emotions get going.

I do appreciate the feedback from everyone. I think I need time to ensure my head is screwed on right before I post an "make an ass of myself" or embarrass myself as I was told. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know what tomorrow holds! I do know I am a creature that makes rash decisions and hurts people when I never intend to do so, hence my necessary apology. Maybe down the road instead of rolling out 10 posts in less than an hour, I take a LONG deep breath before EVERY post, especially if I feel my emotions getting out of line. I don't know, I just don't, and that's the hard part. If I set out to be a mean spirited person, I could deal with my penalty, but I don't set out to do so. If you look at my post count, you'll see I've made a few posts before this, and not all were out of line, so I know I have it in me. Being disappointed in another person is hard to deal with, being disappointed with ones self is new to me as I never really gave a shit before.

[Robert A Whit]

Maybe it was not Brubeck and it was somebody else doing the score.

When you mentioned drugs Jimmy and all the problems you have, it brought back this film.

I hope this is the link to the trailer.

Sinatra was powerful in that film.

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=sinatra+man+with+golden+arm&view=detail&mid=467421BEF0BFAFA0475D467421BEF0BFAFA0475D&first=0&qpvt=sinatra+man+with+golden+arm

[jimnyc]

http://www.thefix.com/content/one-big-pain-brain

Holy crap, I just read that article and it was quite an eye opener. I had no idea of the effects AFTER the withdrawal period. I mean, I was on the opiates for 2 months, so I don't know how long the "brain" needs to continue healing beyond the withdrawal period, say, compared to someone using them for years. Then the MJ, I have no idea how that effects the brain, and once you finish detoxing the body, what long term effects are going on within the head and psyche. All I know, is that article discussed the emotions, and perhaps irritability, even beyond the detox period.

I should make this a part of my withdrawals thread and let you share it on your blog with the kids. Yet another reason to implore them to think 3x before trying drugs, or even to be VERY careful with them if they are legally prescribed.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

Man , dont sweat it , people here know you... Hell we all make mistakes big and small, we are all human..
This reminds me of the time my friend Randy pulled a big one. He had been working out of town and had told his live in girlfriend Cathy that he wouldnt be in until late Saturday night. She not wanting to stay alone in that big ole house that they had just recently rented called her older sister to come over spend the night with her and her sister did just that. Now her sister drove a bright red mustang that and parked it in the driveway instead of pulling it into the garage. Now Randy had a change of plans and drove home that night arriving about 3 am . As he pulled up to the house he saw that bright red mustang and right there he made a huge mistake. He remembered that Cathy's ex-boyfriend drove that same model bright red mustang! Instead of rushing into the house to find out what was up , he got out of hgis truck and took his tire jack started beating the hell out of that bright red car! Cursing ,waking people up and after a few minutes the front door opens and out comes Cathy and her sister! Well, there was hell to pay. There was a car repair bill to pay and a disturbing the peace ticket to pay as well. On top of that they seperated for about 7 weeks over the incident before finally getting back together , marrying about 5 months later and moving to Cali..THE LAST THAT I HEARD A DECADE BACK THEY WERE STILL MARIED AND HAD 4 KIDS. But he loved her and suffered unimaginable misery for those 7 weeks. Was damn lucky to get her back and all because he decided to act before getting all the information. Mistakes we all make 'em. Some are real whoppers! My friend told me had she not taken him back he had been thinking about ending it all. Lucky that she loved him that much.
Now after it all turned out ok we used to laugh about it but had she not decided to take him back it would have been tragic. We laughed because we knew her older sister Tammy and how she thought that car was the cat's meow. And we could just imagine her face when she came out of that house and saw that car beaten about fifty/60 times with a big old tire jack , windsheild broken out etc.. To us, in the bar each time it was told we 'd all fall out of our chairs laughing about it.-Tyr

[Trinity]

More than welcome! Let me know if you get any good feedback, I'd be interested to hear. :)


Well I have 21 pages of your material to work with... so I am going to be quite busy cleaning it all up and putting it in order, something that makes sense from a readers point of view and does not include others commenting. But please keep updating us so I know how to form the ending.

[gabosaurus]

ATTENTION JIM!!!
If you decide to tuck tail and leave this board, Abbey and I will never send you lingerie photos again!!





OK, so we haven't done it yet. But if you leave, you blow any chance of it. No pun intended. (OK, perhaps a bit...)

[jimnyc]

Well I have 21 pages of your material to work with... so I am going to be quite busy cleaning it all up and putting it in order, something that makes sense from a readers point of view and does not include others commenting. But please keep updating us so I know how to form the ending.

I'll do my best, Trinity, I really will. As for an ending, that might be difficult! I'll probably think I crossed all my T's and dotted all my I's at times, only to fall down an hour later. But For my own sanity, I will continue to update, and if in some weird way it helps someone down the road, that would be great.

When I was at my lowest, I was on boards with the worst drug addicts in the world seeking assistance. My doctors didn't want to help much, so who better to get advice from than people dealing with similar afflictions? Surprisingly, they were all VERY sympathetic and offered ENDLESS support and ideas to help with my recovery. If I could help just one person in return, I would consider myself blessed.

[jimnyc]

Man , dont sweat it , people here know you... Hell we all make mistakes big and small, we are all human..
This reminds me of the time my friend Randy pulled a big one. He had been working out of town and had told his live in girlfriend Cathy that he wouldnt be in until late Saturday night. She not wanting to stay alone in that big ole house that they had just recently rented called her older sister to come over spend the night with her and her sister did just that. Now her sister drove a bright red mustang that and parked it in the driveway instead of pulling it into the garage. Now Randy had a change of plans and drove home that night arriving about 3 am . As he pulled up to the house he saw that bright red mustang and right there he made a huge mistake. He remembered that Cathy's ex-boyfriend drove that same model bright red mustang! Instead of rushing into the house to find out what was up , he got out of hgis truck and took his tire jack started beating the hell out of that bright red car! Cursing ,waking people up and after a few minutes the front door opens and out comes Cathy and her sister! Well, there was hell to pay. There was a car repair bill to pay and a disturbing the peace ticket to pay as well. On top of that they seperated for about 7 weeks over the incident before finally getting back together , marrying about 5 months later and moving to Cali..THE LAST THAT I HEARD A DECADE BACK THEY WERE STILL MARIED AND HAD 4 KIDS. But he loved her and suffered unimaginable misery for those 7 weeks. Was damn lucky to get her back and all because he decided to act before getting all the information. Mistakes we all make 'em. Some are real whoppers! My friend told me had she not taken him back he had been thinking about ending it all. Lucky that she loved him that much.
Now after it all turned out ok we used to laugh about it but had she not decided to take him back it would have been tragic. We laughed because we knew her older sister Tammy and how she thought that car was the cat's meow. And we could just imagine her face when she came out of that house and saw that car beaten about fifty/60 times with a big old tire jack , windsheild broken out etc.. To us, in the bar each time it was told we 'd all fall out of our chairs laughing about it.-Tyr

Thanks, Tyr, I must admit, that gave me a good laugh, something I've done VERY little of as of late. Time heals all wounds, and that's where I'm at, and I might be better off healing offline than on here becoming an annoyance and embarrassing myself. I'll play it a day at a time.

Over the years we have had some real winners pass by USMB and then DP. One was manfrommaine aka MFM aka Virgil aka Moderate Democrat aka maineman... The king of trolls posted here, and wrote some of the sickest things I've ever witnessed over the years. Talk of sex with kids and wishing death on people and pissing on their graves... Then we had a character known as Pale Rider. Another one who thought he was the toughest guy in the land, and of course proved it with the bravado of his writing. Talk of things that would make a sailor cringe and made even the best of his friends shake their heads. I gave him a well deserved 24hr ban one evening. It was a time-out thing and he was allowed back the next evening. Instead, he chose to call me throughout the night and leave me 8 voicemails, going NUTS and threatening to have me killed by the Vagos biker gang out of Las Vegas.

Admittedly, I'm a real prick at times. I've said it here a million times, I'm a prick, and a dirtbag and can flame with the best of them. But to be spoken of in the same light as them 2? That's an eye opener! That tells me I am posting MUCH too early. Because as much of a prick as I am, and as much as I take pride in being a dirtbag - I am no Virgil or Pale Rider - NEVER.

[hjmick]

It seems to me that, based on what I know of you and your posting style, your political beliefs and whatnot, and based of what I know of Pale Rider, his posting style, political beliefs, etc. and the same of Virgil, for someone to paint you in the same light as those two is merely a cheap shot designed to strike a nerve.

[WiccanLiberal]

You have provided a place where we can all say what we feel. That includes you. I don't know of a single human being who can say with real honesty that they have never said something that they later regretted. Cut yourself some slack, which is how I am sure you have treated others here. By all means take a break from posting IF YOU FEEL YOU NEED TO but not out of any sense that you have offended. Apologize if you wish but move on from there. And if someone is not grownup enough to accept a genuine apology and do the same, maybe they shouldn't be posting. Just my opinion.

[Abbey Marie]

It seems to me that, based on what I know of you and your posting style, your political beliefs and whatnot, and based of what I know of Pale Rider, his posting style, political beliefs, etc. and the same of Virgil, for someone to paint you in the same light as those two is merely a cheap shot designed to strike a nerve.

Jim, you and I both know that you are nothing near these two. I am quite familiar with how far those guys went. Whoever said that, as hjmick said, was trying to get a rise out of you, and it is complete bs. In fact, I would say that you should avoid listening to anything that person says to you.

I didn't even see where you did anything bad. I've read you debating about Islam, but as far as I've read this afternoon, it wasn't anything you need to be feeling this badly about.

Now cut it out, and just take a small break from the board. Abbey's orders!

[red states rule]

Jim, based on what I have read this is much ado about nothing. So you proved once again you are human and sometimes will make a mistake

Dillo seems to have accepted your heartfelt apology so this matter appears to have been resolved.

Unless you want to sell, this issue is not worth you selling something you have invested so much time and money in Jim

Just as you and I had a dustup this past January, we all make mistakes and say things we larer wish we had not said. Use this as a learning experience and move on

[jimnyc]

Thank you, everyone. And as an Fyi, I have merged my thread from yesterday into this thread, as I think it's all part of my process of getting better. I don't know what happened, but I meant everything I said when I said it yesterday. For that, I apologize to everyone. For my poor actions when posting, I would once again like to extend my most sincerest of apologies to Dilloduck. He said or did nothing that deserved the words I said to him and the way I treated him.

This all started Friday evening, and laugh if you will. I felt "zombified" for the longest time now in my life. If I wasn't stoned, I was popping a pill, drinking a bit or doing whatever is necessary to keep me from dealing with reality and/or my emotions. I'm a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, and yes, as a guy, I find myself crying during sad movies and sometimes at the happiest of events. But on Friday, I was still semi numb, and not from drugs at the time, but because of drugs I suppose and still at the tail end of the detox or withdrawal period. That's when I watched The Passion of the Christ. What it did for me, besides entertain me, was bring forth a flood of emotions that I haven't felt in a very, very long time. I was angry, I cried, I smiled and I just overall "woke up" in a sense. I've been trying to keep a tight grip on these emotions since.

I know it's ok to have emotions, but sometimes they must be tempered. Anger is an emotion, and can actually be used for the positive. But it's hard to let go of who I was and become who I want to be. Here is why I see things improving. 3 weeks ago I may have done similar. I would have stayed my path and tossed aside anyone who ridiculed. I would have ignored anyone telling me I was wrong, and my pride wouldn't have allowed me to see the error of my ways and do the right thing and apologize. One short message from someone, and wham, like a plank of wood to the back of my head, I realized I didn't want to do what I was doing, and was more sad than anything that I tripped up.

I went to confessional this week for the first time in about 30 years. While I didn't kid myself and think I would never sin again, I could still strive for that. So I want to be this new person. I want to temper my anger. I want to be more polite with people. I want to be loving with my family, but do so many other things with love. I want to be passionate when I post, but with reason and common sense, to get my point across as intelligently as possible, but without resorting to low brow tactics to think I "beat" my opponent. But I'm realizing, no on here is my "opponent", we are all like minded individuals who want to discuss politics and today's current events and hot topics. Of course there is debate in there, and of course its a form of arguing, but we need not humiliate, scorn or hurt the other person in order to win the debate. That's who I was at time, that's no longer who I want to be.

So my initial instinct is to run from what scares me. Sell the board so that I can hide from something that brought out my demons. But I must realize I am stronger than that, face what scares me, learn from it, beat it and move on. I can do better, I know I can. I'm blessed when I read my thread from yesterday, that friends stepped forward once again when I needed encouragement. And that's when it sunk in, that I didn't just lose my temper, but this was part of my healing process. I may be over the sickness from the withdrawals hump, but I still have a road of healing that is going to require time, and learning in order to succeed. And forward I go, thanks to so many of you.

So I start the day with a cup of tea, some sharing here and then off to the gym. At 9am I am going to Church and I am SO excited. Now that I have went to confessional, I get to receive communion for the first time since I was probably about 12 years old or so? It was SO long ago that I can't remember. But I do know, that the steps I need to get back into Gods life, this is very important to me and one of the final steps for me to get there. Then I need only stay there.

So this is day 12 of my healing. I know I was told it might not be wise to count, but it works for me. To see how far I have come in a very short time, to reflect back and see where I was. To think if I did all of that in 12 days, what can I do in 6 months time? But I promise you all here that you'll be my witnesses to me healing, to a changed person, or at least a better person. I don't think I'll suddenly turn into Darin, or Logroller and be this person who can pretty much always post without anger and always with politeness, but I would like to strive for that.

Anyway, I have a few PM's which I need to reply to later. So if you are one of them, PLEASE don't be offended. I can only write so much at once! I will be back to share my thoughts later though, and try my best to avoid some threads for awhile that might bring out emotions that are unhealthy. Thanks again, everyone!

[red states rule]

Jim, for the most part we are one big family here. Like family, we have our arguements - and like family we make amends and move on

Glad to see you are feeling better and remember, you have friends here that you can always count on

[glockmail]

Wow look at all the fun I missed while I was in Ireland, trying to drink it dry. :poke:

Only three words of advice to you Jim.

1. Drink some Gatorade along with all that water. It will keep you hydrated better. And your brain needs electrolytes to function properly.

2. You don't need to follow every rule in the catechist to be Catholic. I haven't been to confession in over 30 years and I take communion every week. I've seen Christ in my head after communion (have a witness that saw Him enter) so I know the stuff is real.

3. Keep up the bike if that's what works for you. I have never been a distance runner, but I still run. I was a 1/4 miler in HS and developed a cadence for higher speeds, and I can't keep that up for long. So I run a nice 1/4 mile at a 1/2 mile pace, followed by a 100 yard walk, and do that three times.

[glockmail]

BTW I ran into maineman aka expatriate again at politicalforum.com. When he saw me he PM'd me with more pedophilia. I reported him and they immediately banned him for a week. Same old shit, different day.

[jimnyc]

BTW I ran into maineman aka expatriate again at politicalforum.com. When he saw me he PM'd me with more pedophilia. I reported him and they immediately banned him for a week. Same old shit, different day.

First off, thanks for the advice, that's more important than anything.

But MFM, that makes me giggle and shake my head, but doesn't surprise me in the slightest. And he gets a week for that crap? Oh well, only a matter of time before the cartel catches wind of his crap down there in Mexico. I don't wish death on anyone, but I also wouldn't lose any sleep either.

[Abbey Marie]

BTW I ran into maineman aka expatriate again at politicalforum.com. When he saw me he PM'd me with more pedophilia. I reported him and they immediately banned him for a week. Same old shit, different day.

Sick

[jimnyc]

At least I feel better again today. Everyday seems to be getting 2-5% better than the day before. Still the hardest part is the nights, but even that's getting better. I have the RLS, restless leg syndrome, and that's the worst part. It seems after I fall asleep it's getting better though. Fell asleep close to 11 last night, up at about 3:40 for the bathroom, then up for good at 7am. Went to the gym already and then brought my truck and got an oil change, inspection and what I thought was just low air in a tire turned out to be a nail, but $15 for a plug and back on the road.

I not only feel so exhausted at times, but I can't figure out why my muscles ache, why my joints hurt, when I really am not doing enough to bring forth those symptoms. I know the surgery was larger than I thought and I never really gave it time to heal, but we're nearing a month now.

One thing I forgot that might no be helping. During my pre-op testing for surgery, while I got cleared, the blood test revealed I have a rather large issue with my cholesterol. Normal would be below 200, while my cholesterol level is at 418, and I think the triglycerides should be below 300-350?, cant remember, but mine registered at 1167. Needless to say, the doctor mailed me a prescription the minute he got my results, and placed me on Lipitor. One of the unfortunate side effects of this medication is sore or painful joints. I'm not saying this is happening, but since it is a known side effect, it's certainly a possibility. But I have little alternative but to keep taking it or I could develop heart disease or have a heart attack. While my eating habits were never great, even my doctor said I would have to have been eating like an animal 24hrs a day to get there. My father has this, my eldest brother as well, and my Dad said that my grandfather did too - so it's most likely genetic. So in addition to the medicine, I am taking Omega 3 and fish oil (disgusting) and am going to do whatever else I can in addition to help bring these numbers down. I suppose I'll see if I am making any progress on Oct. 4th when I have a follow up blood test.

[glockmail]

Damn! Stay off the fried foods. Eat beef only sparingly. Turkey or grilled chicken, beans and skim milk products for protein. Two servings of veggies, especially raw ones.

[jimnyc]

Damn! Stay off the fried foods. Eat beef only sparingly. Turkey or grilled chicken, beans and skim milk products for protein. Two servings of veggies, especially raw ones.

I'm not going to say I never eat fried foods, but hardly enough to create the level I have. But I am immediately trying to eat better in addition to the medication, as well as a few extra vitamin type things to assist. My wife is a turkey nut. Haven't had a hamburger in years as she only buys turkey burgers. Turkey hot dogs. Fishes and veal and such are always cooked in a healthy manner, never fried. Of course she always ensures there are veggies, but I never ate a lot, but now I'm learning to eat them to like them, and eat them as filler so I'm not left hungry. I'll have to try sliced chicken, but my new favorite sandwich is wheat bread with sliced turkey, lowfat mayo and a few slices of lettuce. Not the best thing in the world, but beats fast food or starving which I did a lot, or filling myself with junk food as filler if need be. I'm trying again the 6-300 calorie meals spread out throughout the day. No high fructose corn syrup, 300 calories or less and avoiding foods high in sodium as well. I need to find beef jerky without additives and preservatives, as I miss it so much and it does have a lot of protein, but the packaging is what kills it. I need to find a place to find it fresh!

[jimnyc]

And this is day 14 for me, I made it to 2 weeks! I'm not in Disneyland yet, but progress is being made. I'd say it's a few percentages each day and I feel like I'm running at about 40-50% right now, while last week at my lowest I felt 1-2%, only because my heart was still beating! LOL

Sipping my morning tea and have been to the gym already. I'm going to call in a little while and make my monthly follow up for the 6th or 7th of next month, so I can be fully cleared for full gym workouts again. I'm nervous to start putting pressure on my neck, but if the doc says the neck surgery was a success, there is no pain, and he clears me, then I suppose it'll be ok. I need to release that energy again and turn some flab back into muscle.

I'd like to think of something intelligent to say, for Trinity, to share on her blog so that it might even help just one person, but the words just aren't coming. I'm tired, even though better. Maybe that alone is a good thing to tell the kids, who seem to think they're invincible and it's nothing a night of sleep can't cure. I'm 14 days in and only running on half a tank. And whether legal or illegal, the majority of it is from drugs. I'm no preacher. Try things if you must, get it out of your system. But take the time to read what happens to others, the pros and cons of drug use. You'll see that there are very few pros and a boatload of cons. Sure, I believe if you're sick, marijuana can help. And I think if you're not an addictive person, it certainly won't kill you. But as of right now, it's still illegal. It's still a drug that if you put in your system as if it's food to keep you going, it WILL be a problem eventually, and even worse if the police catch you and you have a record for life. But I'm an addict of many things, and I understand that it's hard to take advice from an idiot that made so many mistakes. But who would you rather hear the consequences from, someone who can tell you what they think would happen - or someone that has lived it and experienced it, and suffered as a result of it.

Eat healthy things. Drink healthy things. Treat your body well. Be happy and be nice to others. I forgot what being high on life feels like! It's not such a bad thing, especially after you've had your fill of booze and drugs. Enjoying life is much better than enjoying ruining your life.

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

And this is day 14 for me, I made it to 2 weeks! I'm not in Disneyland yet, but progress is being made. I'd say it's a few percentages each day and I feel like I'm running at about 40-50% right now, while last week at my lowest I felt 1-2%, only because my heart was still beating! LOL

Sipping my morning tea and have been to the gym already. I'm going to call in a little while and make my monthly follow up for the 6th or 7th of next month, so I can be fully cleared for full gym workouts again. I'm nervous to start putting pressure on my neck, but if the doc says the neck surgery was a success, there is no pain, and he clears me, then I suppose it'll be ok. I need to release that energy again and turn some flab back into muscle.

I'd like to think of something intelligent to say, for Trinity, to share on her blog so that it might even help just one person, but the words just aren't coming. I'm tired, even though better. Maybe that alone is a good thing to tell the kids, who seem to think they're invincible and it's nothing a night of sleep can't cure. I'm 14 days in and only running on half a tank. And whether legal or illegal, the majority of it is from drugs. I'm no preacher. Try things if you must, get it out of your system. But take the time to read what happens to others, the pros and cons of drug use. You'll see that there are very few pros and a boatload of cons. Sure, I believe if you're sick, marijuana can help. And I think if you're not an addictive person, it certainly won't kill you. But as of right now, it's still illegal. It's still a drug that if you put in your system as if it's food to keep you going, it WILL be a problem eventually, and even worse if the police catch you and you have a record for life. But I'm an addict of many things, and I understand that it's hard to take advice from an idiot that made so many mistakes. But who would you rather hear the consequences from, someone who can tell you what they think would happen - or someone that has lived it and experienced it, and suffered as a result of it.

Eat healthy things. Drink healthy things. Treat your body well. Be happy and be nice to others. I forgot what being high on life feels like! It's not such a bad thing, especially after you've had your fill of booze and drugs. Enjoying life is much better than enjoying ruining your life.

Jim, eighteen months ago I had a heart attack. I had to radically change my diet. I had to eat healthy food!!! Its been a long hard road but eventually you adapt and keep finding a way to get a variety in your diet. I lost 29 pounds very quickly, gave up drinking colas , went to unsweetened tea or tea sweeten with pure honey. . Have recently gained back 8 pounds over last 5 months because I've chosen to add just a small bit of regular food into my diet. Eating healthy has me in better shape than I was before my heart attack. Hang in there and dont abandone you new eating habits. They are a key part in your recovery IMHO. -Tyr

[WiccanLiberal]

Jimmy when you have the time, if you are not already aware of it, Stephen Fry did a marvelous documentary on bipolar disorder. The link to the first part is here. The reason he was so interested is that he is bipolar and wrestled with all the same issues many creative people with the disorder do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3EacQ4GfiU&feature=fvwrel

As far as I know, all the parts are available on youtube.

[jimnyc]

Jim, eighteen months ago I had a heart attack. I had to radically change my diet. I had to eat healthy food!!! Its been a long hard road but eventually you adapt and keep finding a way to get a variety in your diet. I lost 29 pounds very quickly, gave up drinking colas , went to unsweetened tea or tea sweeten with pure honey. . Have recently gained back 8 pounds over last 5 months because I've chosen to add just a small bit of regular food into my diet. Eating healthy has me in better shape than I was before my heart attack. Hang in there and dont abandone you new eating habits. They are a key part in your recovery IMHO. -Tyr

I'm on healthy morning tea, water and veggies. For my cholesterol, I went out this evening and bought 3 boxes of oatmeal for breakfast, celery sticks, tuna, sardines, herring, wheat crackers, almonds, carrots... I suppose I'll grow used to it. I was starved today and would have eaten a hunk of wood if I thought it was good for me. I needed to get some decent snacks to munch on that won't kill me!


Jimmy when you have the time, if you are not already aware of it, Stephen Fry did a marvelous documentary on bipolar disorder. The link to the first part is here. The reason he was so interested is that he is bipolar and wrestled with all the same issues many creative people with the disorder do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3EacQ4GfiU&feature=fvwrel

As far as I know, all the parts are available on youtube.

Awesome, thanks! I love to learn as much as possible. It's really not something that prevents me from living a decent life, but you need to recognize the highs and lows and how to react when your brain has a mind of it's own (that sounded weird). When you have a low period, you have to fight it and be positive, and when on a high, be responsible and keep an eye on rash decisions and anxiety. At least that's the story of my life!

[gabosaurus]

Better watch out though, Jim. Bipolar folks often turn out to be liberals. Not naming names, of course. :rolleyes:

[jimnyc]

Better watch out though, Jim. Bipolar folks often turn out to be liberals. Not naming names, of course. :rolleyes:

Save it, I don't need friends who befriend me one minute and belittle me the next.

[gabosaurus]

Save it, I don't need friends who befriend me one minute and belittle me the next.

It's called "expressing an opinion."

STEP AWAY FROM THE LEDGE!!

[Tyr-Ziu Saxnot]

I'm on healthy morning tea, water and veggies. For my cholesterol, I went out this evening and bought 3 boxes of oatmeal for breakfast, celery sticks, tuna, sardines, herring, wheat crackers, almonds, carrots... I suppose I'll grow used to it. I was starved today and would have eaten a hunk of wood if I thought it was good for me. I needed to get some decent snacks to munch on that won't kill me!



Awesome, thanks! I love to learn as much as possible. It's really not something that prevents me from living a decent life, but you need to recognize the highs and lows and how to react when your brain has a mind of it's own (that sounded weird). When you have a low period, you have to fight it and be positive, and when on a high, be responsible and keep an eye on rash decisions and anxiety. At least that's the story of my life!

Looks like a great menu. However trust me on this, walnuts are ten times better than almonds. Im not talking about taste but body benefits, cholesterol wise especially! Check it out , do a google search on walnuts.. Fish for variety try Salmon, tilapia , flounder.. Salmon being number one for benefiting body health.-Tyr

[jimnyc]

It's called "expressing an opinion."

STEP AWAY FROM THE LEDGE!!

Yeah, step away from the ledge. What, am I supposed to be suicidal now? Sorry, ain't happening. I'm talking about people acting like my friend one minute... You know damn well what I mean after that, as it's private. I'm sick and tired of only being able to post funny shit and about my life sucking. I try to post political stuff, better than I ever have, even if I still falter, and I temper my comments. But what, since I own the place I'm not allowed to post as everyone else? Someone is gonna get butt hurt because I am sarcastic and passionate? Lord knows no one else here ever gets passionate or sarcastic when they post.

[gabosaurus]

Lord knows no one else here ever gets passionate or sarcastic when they post.

I represent that remark!

[glockmail]

Better watch out though, Jim. Bipolar folks often turn out to be liberals. Not naming names, of course. :rolleyes:You're confusing bipolar with mental retardation.

[logroller]

Speaking of bipolar, I read this on tshirt- " I hate being bipolar-- it's awesome."
Or this "bipolar :):"

[jimnyc]

I'm 45 minutes or so into the 2 hour video that WiccanLiberal was kind enough to share. Stephen Fry seems like a helluva guy, but his description of Bipolar and what he has went through in his life, just seems to eerily familiar. It's amazing that SO man people in sports, acting, music and other people have this disease. And also, many extremely intelligent people that you wouldn't expect to have a brain disease. I mean, how can someone function on such high levels with a brain disease? That's because when you go through the highs, you feel invincible and that you can do anything in the entire world. But then the lows come, and even the best of the best end up hibernating and feeling like their lives are worthless.

Make no mistake, I don't consider myself on par with professional athletes, actors, musicians and the intellects of our time. But I do share something with them, and I know what it's like to have bipolar aka manic depression and how it affects your life.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, always have. And I'm not surprised if my drug use has exacerbated the issue. And that's another thing, a high percentage of folks dealing with this, for whatever reason, seek out drug use as an escape, deluding themselves into thinking this is a "cure". It's not. But again, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm a very emotional person. I get angrier quicker than most, I get happy at commercials and puppies. I cried when Frosty the Snowman melted till I was like 25 and still get a teensy tear in my eyes when poor Rudolph is cast aside. I worry about what others think of me and am my worst critic in the world. Try watching "Brian's Song" or "Something for Joey", and I'm embarrassed to say I cry more than the women. The Passion of The Christ brought out my emotions the other night.

So it's really not surprising to me that my emotions will affect my posting here. I'll post uplifting things, and I'll post sad things. Things that "get to me", I'll share with others, but others might not understand why I post them. Then I get to the political section, and I can get snippy or sarcastic when I'm posting about something I believe in so much. And then the smallest of slights in my direction, and I might lash out in return. But I'm trying. You can't beat 4 drugs in 2 weeks AND somehow cure Bipolar which even the best doctors in the world cannot do. Hell, outside of a shrink diagnosing someone with it, even x-rays and MRI's don't tell us crap. Then how do I even know for sure that I have it? I don't know that answer, but I do know I get depressed a lot, and I do know I have serious lows every now and again, and I do know I have highs where I feel like I'm on top of the world and most certainly could be a wide receiver or safety for my beloved Steelers! But that's textbook definition of what I have been diagnosed with. I am who I am, and the only thing I can do is recognize it and try to be a better person. And when I falter, learn from it, and try again. I suppose this will probably happen for the rest of my life, but that's ok with me, I'm alive, I have a wonderful family, and I know we all make mistakes. Sometimes mine are just more pronounced than others.

I don't ever come here and seek out to hurt someone's feelings or purposely want to be an ass. My intentions are sometimes different than what I actually post, as if someone took over my keyboard and posted things I later regret. I think that those who have come to know me over the years know that I can be very kind, very forgiving and very regretful at times for my own actions. So if you're one of those out there offended, please understand who I am, please accept my apology & please understand that I acknowledge these things and that the best I can offer is my word that I will continue to try.

[WiccanLiberal]

I am glad you are finding the video worthwhile, Jimmy. I found it because I follow his twitter account. I have found him a marvelous entertainer back to his Fry and Laurie days. Tha man has been through some serious stuff. I found it very interesting that it is often easier to treat depression as an isolated condition rather than the bipolar individual because when the latter is on an 'up' cycle, they are often intensely capable and creative and feel they are not in need of treatment. I give you a lot of credit for getting as far as you have with your withdrawal issue when you have hgad so much else to deeal with. Continued blessings.

[jimnyc]

Sadly, I think, I am coming to terms with my brain disease known as Bipolar and why I self medicated over the years with drugs and alcohol, which unfortunately is what a very high percentage of those with the disease do before they understand the seriousness of what they have.

I've lived so long with crazy emotions, the crying, the highs and the anger. And while I used the diagnosis as a crutch and an excuse, I believe a part of me inside refused to believe I had it. I mean, if it doesn't show up on any test, how can one be so sure that they have it? How do I know a doctor doesn't find this diagnosis and lead you on for years with appointments and medication? But watching this documentary by Stephen Fry is very eye opening. Stephen Fry, Robbie Williams, Carrie Fisher and so many others, all diagnosed with the same, and all explaining their symptoms, which match mine. It's a brain disease, but I suppose I am blessed that it won't kill you and it's something one can live with. The scary part, is those interviewed claim they wouldn't trade the disease in if they could. They feel that the lows are worth it, as the highs are what has made them so creative and successful. My symptoms don't seem to be quite as severe as some others. And I thought I took a lot of medication, but some interviewed are taking like 10-15 pills a day just to be able to live, and are still manic and don't leave their houses. Again I am blessed that mine is not that severe.

Has my drug use over the years masked the issues? Has it exacerbated the issues? Has it permanently made my bipolar and mania worse? These are all scary thoughts for me. 20% of those with bipolar attempt suicide and many are successful. I have never felt suicidal but had a self awareness that when I pass away my suffering will be over. But I'm much too young and WANT to live to be as old as possible, watch my son graduate HS, then college, then get married and give me a grandchild.

This is day 16 of my "sobriety", and attempting to right my wrongs and live a cleaner and better life. While it feels so good at times, it's also very scary at times. I'm learning to live with alertness of what is around me instead of medicating and blocking things out. I'm trying to think before I talk and post. I'm trying to be kinder, and more loving and more understanding. But believe me, it's a struggle, and I can't simply change who I am in a matter of a few weeks. But that's what I want, so I have goals, which are good as hopefully they will keep my busy trying to attain them.

I've been to the gym already today, which makes every single day since I started this long road of recovery. I brought the family laundry to the laundromat and dropped it off to get cleaned. Our house has flooded SO many times that we are afraid to buy a 3rd washer/dryer set, even after spending $50k to have a giant well installed, drainage pipes around all 4 sides of the house, 2 industrial pumps on the side of the house and a line to the street and to the end of the block to bring the water to the sewer system. But after you lose a few washers and dryers, 3 hot water heaters and 3 HVAC units, we get a little nervous about spending down there!

Tomorrow is a big day for me and one I am really looking forward to. As part of my healing, I want to go to NJ to visit Mom at the cemetery. I'm bringing cutters, jug of water, spray bottle and a knife, and some cloths, as I want to make her stone look as beautiful as possible, and then of course give her some beautiful flowers. And while there, I will go visit my brother and sister who aren't far down the parkway from there. I will stay at the courtyard marriott, and likely spend the evening sitting in the jacuzzi and floating in the pool, and enjoy just one night in a room with a king size bed and all of the amenities, AND I won't have to wake at the brink of dawn to let the dogs out! And of course I get to see my niece and nephews and brother in law. I got a little something for my niece who's birthday is on Oct. 8th as I know I won't be back to see them for awhile. But it's a 24hrs that I need, and seeing Mom and family I think are things I need to do, then the rest is simply recovering, which I don't downplay, as recovering from drug addiction and dealing with bipolar is nothing to take for granted, as I did for so long.

[Abbey Marie]

Great plan, Jim. I think I said last week that you need to talk to family and friends. Now seems like a good time for that. Enjoy the room, and be sure to give yourself a room service breakfast if that is something you enjoy. I sure do!

[jimnyc]

I know today I am only going to the cemetery, then brother and sister, then hotel & then back home in the morning. But to me personally, this is a very important trip that I am SO looking forward to. But wouldn't you guess, it's already pouring rain here and it's supposed to be thunderstorms from about 9am till about 3pm. So it'll be nice cleaning up Mom's stone and surrounding grass! In deep thought, it actually will be nice. Sweatpants and an old t-shirt and my old sneakers. Getting wet won't kill me, and it sure as shit isn't going to deter me from visiting Mom and taking care of her plot. Then 20 minutes after that I will be at the hotel and can get changed after a warm shower and spend some time with family.

Last night I was obsessed with bipolar, which is a symptom of bipolar! LOL I read about 22,000 websites, more Stephen Fry and some doctors with short discussions. They say 20% of people with bipolar commit suicide, 40 percent have lives that are fairly unmanageable, 20% work jobs like cashiers and labor as they don't function well & the last 20% go on to big and better things and learn to live well with their disease. Right now I know it doesn't show, but I'd like to think I'm in that last 20%, even if I'm not a top intellect. movie star or sports star. I worked many years at a prestigious law firm and was considered the best on my team. I worked for Sony Corporation and nothing stopped my from excelling but finding a better job at the law firm. In 2003 I was hired as a temp for Cadbury Schweppes, and I performed very well and ended up being there 2 1/2 -3 years? Can't recall the exact dates. Everyone within a 1 square mile radius calls Jim to fix their computers, because they know it'll come back in tip top shape, and Jim is an idiot and rarely charges anyone. I have an awesome business card and even better laminated tri-fold pamphlets, but just never put in that effort to really try and make a business of things. I'm fare from suicidal. I can function in public, and when on highs, if anything, I get along with people TOO well and blab too much and overextend myself. I would like to get better and try to get my foot back into the corporate world again where I've succeeded so much in the past.

But to be repetitive, I'm not ready yet. I'm non-stop exhausted, likely from the all day anxiety. My brother told me, that even though I may not be out breaking bricks, having anxiety day after day after day will take it's toll on your body and leave you just as exhausted. So I need to continue the healing process of my physical side, and also continue the process of understanding myself and my bipolar, what it is, and how it will affect my life. It's a matter of understanding and knowing what it is when the highs and lows kick in, and taking that knowledge and not allowing either one to go to an extreme. But believe me, that's MUCH easier said than done. As a horrible example, but truly how it feels to me... imagine walking down the road and some 14yr old delinquent hits you in the head and makes you angry. Now try and control that anger. Some can do it without effort. Some will say the kid is getting an ass kicking. I'm torn, as I want to be the former, but my brain screams to me the latter.

[jimnyc]

Just ignore this if need be, as I'm kind of making this a journal of sorts for my head and understanding and healing. But this was how yesterday went.

I went to NJ yesterday and it was raining as hard as possible, so I couldn't stop at the cemetery as planned. But by the time I checked into my hotel, and met up with my brother and sister, the rain went away and the sun came out, even though the weather reports were calling for thunderstorms all day. The 3 of us went, and I stopped and bought a beautiful flower arrangement for Mom. We spent a bit there and cleaned 3 plot stones, as my Mom's parents are also buried there, as is my Uncle. The sun coming out and spending time there really made my day and things were going great.

We then ended up at my sisters house, who's 12 year old daughter and 7 year old son got home from school, and they are wild ones. My brother left for a few hours and picked up his daughter, who adores me, and I adore her in return (14yrs old), but she's what some might call a speed talker. After an hour or a tad more, I felt my anxiety increasing. Then my eldest nephew who just graduated HS last year came home, with 3 friends. And then my sister and her husband started fighting because of his drinking and popping pills. I felt like there were 19 voices from all directions hitting me in the head and I couldn't block any of it out. We ordered dinner, and I was starved, but I felt myself not blinking and becoming anxious, and yet a weird exhausted feeling taking over my body. They all ate fried foods while I ate a wrap, gave my french fries away and had half of a soup. I then left to go back to the hotel to slow down and be by myself for an hour. My brother, his daughter and my niece later showed up to use the whirlpool and heated pool with me. It wasn't as bad, but I always worry about the noise level and getting in trouble when others are there, especially since I got a discounted rate as my sister works there. I went to sleep at about 11pm planning on sleeping for days on end, but just like at home, my eyes just opened a few minutes before 7, and my eyes and heartbeat told me that was it for the sleep. I did get to spend a few more hours at my sisters house and it wasn't quite as loud and everyone I think was still tired from the previous night. So I spent some "quality time" and hit the road at 11am to return to NY. As much as I LOVE my family, that was one of the happiest I've been to return home and be greeted by my dogs, and then wife and then son. I knew it would be peaceful here, and if things even felt a little out of order, I could head to my computer or bedroom and wind down.

[Robert A Whit]

Jim
Your posts give me a lot to be thankful for.
Nobody that I am aware of is perfect. My stepdad comes about as close to that as I can imagine. He died in 1995. We lost a great human.

I am learning from your posts. At my age of 74, that's saying something.

Actually since I have been blessed with great health for most of my life, I simply am not up on such things.

[jimnyc]

Jim
Your posts give me a lot to be thankful for.
Nobody that I am aware of is perfect. My stepdad comes about as close to that as I can imagine. He died in 1995. We lost a great human.

I am learning from your posts. At my age of 74, that's saying something.

Actually since I have been blessed with great health for most of my life, I simply am not up on such things.

Thank you, Robert, that means a lot to me. I'm learning new things myself, and writing and sharing is helping me. If on top of that, in some strange way my issues should help someone in ANY way, I would be very thankful for that.

-Jim

[jimnyc]

I have a follow up appt. with my surgeon this Friday morning. I am having pains in my neck, no pun intended. It's like stiff neck pains, but a little sharper. It seems worst if I yawn, but also present if I change positions while sleeping, and sometimes just turning my head. I'm hoping that the recovery is still just going and it will sort itself out. But I'm supposed to be off of restrictions this upcoming Sunday, which leads me to believe that the surgeon expected better progress than this. The radiating pain, numbness and tingling is all gone at least. This feels like it would be in the area of the disc replacement in the back of my neck or the surrounding area. I'm just scared shitless that he might see something wrong and say it will require a follow up surgery, which I have read a little about around the internet. And I don't know what scares me more, the surgery, or the medication - as no way in hell I take any more of that crap, ever again. I know the anasthesia and drips would work while in the hospital, but how much pain would I be in if I refused narcotics once leaving? Don't know, but I can't imagine it being worse than the withdrawals, I would rather take a shitload of Tylenol or something else non-addictive. Then again, maybe this is my paranoia speaking and the pains I am having are normal. Keep your fingers crossed, as I am literally scared, no exaggeration.

[logroller]

Totally off subject, but Jim brought up his flooding issues and have to suggest-- ever thought about building a pool in you basement. I better get an invite if you do!

[jimnyc]

Totally off subject, but Jim brought up his flooding issues and have to suggest-- ever thought about building a pool in you basement. I better get an invite if you do!

Oh man, before the well system we had installed, we wouldn't have needed a pool. When we would get a good storm, we would flood 4-5 feet in certain depths and at least 3 feet all the way around! There was no point in me wearing the waders as the water was even above them. The fire department would turn off our electricity as the water rose above several outlets, and of course kiss anything goodbye that was in the basement.

On the other subject, I forgot to mention the terrible headache I had all day today. I don't know if it's just a regular headache, stress, from my neck or from the new heating pad I got and laying on it too much. Either way, neither Advil or Rapid Release Tylenol worked. I just got back from CVS and the pharmacist recommended "Bayer Advanced Aspiring - Pro-Release". It's supposed to help pain within 16 minutes and median comfort within 49 minutes. I'll feel a little better if this works at least. I have a history of headaches and really don't need this continuing right now.

[Kathianne]

Totally off subject, but Jim brought up his flooding issues and have to suggest-- ever thought about building a pool in you basement. I better get an invite if you do!

I learned to put nothing of value in basement, W/D and HVAC excluded. Carry the rider for $10k. Loss is less than. I lucked out with the one claim, sort of. Lost the mahogany table and chest, though got $20k for them. Really were irreplaceable, my grandparents had brought them from Ireland, along with linens in late 1800's.

Then the insurance company lowered their coverage across the board. So did their competitors.

[LiberalNation]

Goodbye board. :carryon::suck:

[Abbey Marie]

How telling that you chose this thread to make your exit announcement.

Your recent rants were truly disgusting, and I can already breathe fresher air on the board.

[jimnyc]

Goodbye board. :carryon::suck:

A tad angry because your personal diary of garbage, disrespect and filth was shut down? I'm unsure why you didn't just bail though? I never understood announcing one is leaving, as if it's going to hurt someone. Maybe lost an confused on how to do so? Go to the very upper right of the board, there is an option that states "Log Out". Then use self control and don't log back in.

Food for thought on your future - Don't dishonor the military and our country by using it as a tool. Instead of looking at it as what YOU can get out of it, look at it as what YOU can contribute to your country. Take it from me, stop trying to experiment with drugs. And if you are into another woman, keep your love stories to yourself. Telling the entire board and any guest reading, is only disrespecting yourself AND your partner.

Best of luck to you. You're welcome to return at anytime should you grow up.

[jimnyc]

The doctor was told why I was coming, as my therapist went down and made the appt and explained it to him. He saw me, took the vitals, blood pressure & all that other crap. Then he leaves the office and comes back 20 minutes later!! THEN he tells me he has no experience in dealing with pain medication withdrawals and gave me a card to go to Greenwich Hsptl in Ct. for inpatient detox!!! No Fing way. While I'm miserable at times, for example though, I feel better now than I did last night, and better than I was yesterday. No way in hell I'm getting admitted to a hospital.

Please tell me if anyone here thinks I was out of line. Personally, I think for whatever reason, this Doctor has an issue with me. He was fine with the last appointment for the most part, until he had me take my shirt off for the EKG. As soon as he saw a bunch of tattoos, the attitude seemed to change.

Anyway, I bit my tongue, and had a followup appointment with him today at 10:30 for a blood test, to see how my cholesterol is progressing. I arrived promptly, at 10:21 to be exact. Yep, I'm a nutter and notice things like that! There was another gentlemen waiting, and I politely asked him if he knew if the Doc was running behind or not. I had to fast, so no eating or drinking, and I felt weak, hence my question. The other guy said he didn't know, but clarified that HIS appt. was for 10:30. I asked the front desk, and they said his was for 10:45, to ignore him. The doctor "politely" was ready for the next patient at 11:05, and they called in the other guy! WTF? I asked the woman at the front desk again, and repeated what she told me. She agreed, but said it was the doctors decision. He heard me voicing my complaint and came over and said he was taking him first as I was late! Even the other guy chimed in and said I was on time. Hell, the doctor was with a patient from the minute I arrived, how would he know? The secretary played dumb and said she didn't know. The doctor, in a huff, said "fine then, lets go". When I got into the "little room" - he chastised me, explaining that doctors aren't always on time, but I was late, and how I was disrespectful for questioning both him and his secretary. That's when I had enough. I explained to him how he did jack shit for me last time and should never had accepted my appointment. How HE disrespected ME today by taking another patient first, and then telling me I was late, and then jumping on me as if I did something wrong. I told him it would likely be my last time at his practice. He said fine and said go ahead and leave. No blood test.

The good news is that I already have another test for Tuesday at 9am at the doctors office that found my high cholesterol prior to my surgery.

Was I out of line?

[Gaffer]

Please tell me if anyone here thinks I was out of line. Personally, I think for whatever reason, this Doctor has an issue with me. He was fine with the last appointment for the most part, until he had me take my shirt off for the EKG. As soon as he saw a bunch of tattoos, the attitude seemed to change.

Anyway, I bit my tongue, and had a followup appointment with him today at 10:30 for a blood test, to see how my cholesterol is progressing. I arrived promptly, at 10:21 to be exact. Yep, I'm a nutter and notice things like that! There was another gentlemen waiting, and I politely asked him if he knew if the Doc was running behind or not. I had to fast, so no eating or drinking, and I felt weak, hence my question. The other guy said he didn't know, but clarified that HIS appt. was for 10:30. I asked the front desk, and they said his was for 10:45, to ignore him. The doctor "politely" was ready for the next patient at 11:05, and they called in the other guy! WTF? I asked the woman at the front desk again, and repeated what she told me. She agreed, but said it was the doctors decision. He heard me voicing my complaint and came over and said he was taking him first as I was late! Even the other guy chimed in and said I was on time. Hell, the doctor was with a patient from the minute I arrived, how would he know? The secretary played dumb and said she didn't know. The doctor, in a huff, said "fine then, lets go". When I got into the "little room" - he chastised me, explaining that doctors aren't always on time, but I was late, and how I was disrespectful for questioning both him and his secretary. That's when I had enough. I explained to him how he did jack shit for me last time and should never had accepted my appointment. How HE disrespected ME today by taking another patient first, and then telling me I was late, and then jumping on me as if I did something wrong. I told him it would likely be my last time at his practice. He said fine and said go ahead and leave. No blood test.

The good news is that I already have another test for Tuesday at 9am at the doctors office that found my high cholesterol prior to my surgery.

Was I out of line?

I think you handled it just fine. I would have gone off on the doctor big time. He's a piece of shit and you don't need to be seeing him and your insurance paying his dumb ass.

[Robert A Whit]

Please tell me if anyone here thinks I was out of line. Personally, I think for whatever reason, this Doctor has an issue with me. He was fine with the last appointment for the most part, until he had me take my shirt off for the EKG. As soon as he saw a bunch of tattoos, the attitude seemed to change.

Anyway, I bit my tongue, and had a followup appointment with him today at 10:30 for a blood test, to see how my cholesterol is progressing. I arrived promptly, at 10:21 to be exact. Yep, I'm a nutter and notice things like that! There was another gentlemen waiting, and I politely asked him if he knew if the Doc was running behind or not. I had to fast, so no eating or drinking, and I felt weak, hence my question. The other guy said he didn't know, but clarified that HIS appt. was for 10:30. I asked the front desk, and they said his was for 10:45, to ignore him. The doctor "politely" was ready for the next patient at 11:05, and they called in the other guy! WTF? I asked the woman at the front desk again, and repeated what she told me. She agreed, but said it was the doctors decision. He heard me voicing my complaint and came over and said he was taking him first as I was late! Even the other guy chimed in and said I was on time. Hell, the doctor was with a patient from the minute I arrived, how would he know? The secretary played dumb and said she didn't know. The doctor, in a huff, said "fine then, lets go". When I got into the "little room" - he chastised me, explaining that doctors aren't always on time, but I was late, and how I was disrespectful for questioning both him and his secretary. That's when I had enough. I explained to him how he did jack shit for me last time and should never had accepted my appointment. How HE disrespected ME today by taking another patient first, and then telling me I was late, and then jumping on me as if I did something wrong. I told him it would likely be my last time at his practice. He said fine and said go ahead and leave. No blood test.

The good news is that I already have another test for Tuesday at 9am at the doctors office that found my high cholesterol prior to my surgery.

Was I out of line?

I can't answer that question since I know with my doctors that things are great. It sounds like something has happened in the past and you two men are not getting along.

Doctors should take the first appointment first unless a person shows up with an emergency.

I don't go to my doctor for blood work. I go to Quest labs. My doctor gets the report and he figures out what it means.

I like how my Cardiologist does things. I get the lab work done sent to both my doctors.
Dr. Carlson, my cardiologist has somebody create on his form, the readings and he shows improvements or failures on my part on the same form. It helps me manage my life. Dr. Kelsen my regular doctor runs things down verbally. Course an hour later, but for the form by my cardiologist, I would not remember jack. Oh in general I remember it. But try repeating your cholestoral numbers hours later.

I get my lab work done at least a week ahead of apointments. This month I got it done about 2 weeks early. Dr. told me it does not matter other than he needs it on time.

[Abbey Marie]

Please tell me if anyone here thinks I was out of line. Personally, I think for whatever reason, this Doctor has an issue with me. He was fine with the last appointment for the most part, until he had me take my shirt off for the EKG. As soon as he saw a bunch of tattoos, the attitude seemed to change.

Anyway, I bit my tongue, and had a followup appointment with him today at 10:30 for a blood test, to see how my cholesterol is progressing. I arrived promptly, at 10:21 to be exact. Yep, I'm a nutter and notice things like that! There was another gentlemen waiting, and I politely asked him if he knew if the Doc was running behind or not. I had to fast, so no eating or drinking, and I felt weak, hence my question. The other guy said he didn't know, but clarified that HIS appt. was for 10:30. I asked the front desk, and they said his was for 10:45, to ignore him. The doctor "politely" was ready for the next patient at 11:05, and they called in the other guy! WTF? I asked the woman at the front desk again, and repeated what she told me. She agreed, but said it was the doctors decision. He heard me voicing my complaint and came over and said he was taking him first as I was late! Even the other guy chimed in and said I was on time. Hell, the doctor was with a patient from the minute I arrived, how would he know? The secretary played dumb and said she didn't know. The doctor, in a huff, said "fine then, lets go". When I got into the "little room" - he chastised me, explaining that doctors aren't always on time, but I was late, and how I was disrespectful for questioning both him and his secretary. That's when I had enough. I explained to him how he did jack shit for me last time and should never had accepted my appointment. How HE disrespected ME today by taking another patient first, and then telling me I was late, and then jumping on me as if I did something wrong. I told him it would likely be my last time at his practice. He said fine and said go ahead and leave. No blood test.

The good news is that I already have another test for Tuesday at 9am at the doctors office that found my high cholesterol prior to my surgery.

Was I out of line?

The doctor should have apologized. As for taking the other guy first, I'm surprised the doctor and not the receptionist made that decision. I think you should find a new doctor and start fresh, as you feel he doesn't respect you. I am so sick of doctors thinking they are God.

As for blood work, I always have mine done at Quest Labs. It took a little getting used to at first, but I think it works better that way.

[aboutime]

How telling that you chose this thread to make your exit announcement.

Your recent rants were truly disgusting, and I can already breathe fresher air on the board.


Ditto Abbey. LB was becoming an intentional, immature, and very disgusting thug, or bully here.

Happy to see it GO.

We can all breathe the FRESH AIR now.
But...I suspect. It won't be the last we hear.
This is a time when jimnyc...needs to keep a better look-out with his Virus protection for the boards.

[gabosaurus]

Goodbye board.

http://www.the98site.com/images/1021.gif

[jimnyc]

I had my follow-up appointment with my surgeon this morning. He told me so long as I wasn't getting the radiating pain down my arm, numbness or tingling, all was ok. Where I'm feeling pain, 1 month and a week after surgery, was quite normal. He said it's the muscles in the neck and surrounding the disc area, and in some people it could take up to a year, but hopefully less. He took the time to make a few drawings and bring out a few skeletons, and explain to me which muscles he went through, what they are connected to, and likely why I feel a bit of pain when yawning or turning my head quickly. I feel so much better with a little reassurance from him!

[fj1200]

... why I feel a bit of pain when yawning or turning my head quickly.

Glad you're feeling better about what's going on. And that advice is far better than what I tell my kids; "if it hurts, don't do that," after I make sure no bones are sticking out of course. :)

[jimnyc]

Glad you're feeling better about what's going on. And that advice is far better than what I tell my kids; "if it hurts, don't do that," after I make sure no bones are sticking out of course. :)

Sure enough! LOL Being able to have some confidence and positive outlooks are feeling new to me right now, but that's what I need. Now I know I just have to continue taking care of myself and give my old bones and neck a chance to heal further. Thanks, FJ!

[fj1200]

^Cool, maybe some southern warmth will help sometime over the fall/winter coming up. Your brother only lives about an hour away iirc. ;)

[jimnyc]

^Cool, maybe some southern warmth will help sometime over the fall/winter coming up. Your brother only lives about an hour away iirc. ;)

Oh man, some heat in the summer, perhaps a vacation, would be awesome! But he's a FIFTEEN hour drive away ya bastard! LOL I suppose I could save my pennies and maybe take a flight to visit him, or my Dad, who is down in the Fort Myers area for the next several months.