Finding somebody

[cadet]

In my church, we began to look into what we should look for in a woman, and the bible says three things about this.
1. Moral
2. Christian
3. Willing to put up with you.

Our pastier has told us, it's not about how much we love them when we marry, its how we grow to love them.
he say's there's three types of love. 2 will never work.
1. I'll love you if...
2. I love you because

Now, the second one sounds nicer, but people change over time, and you might not enjoy that.

3. I'll gut it out with you.

Number three says that I'll love you even when we get into screaming matches. Not once does the marriage ceremony say "I'll love you till ____."
It says forever. Always will you love this person, even when they make you want to pull out your hair.
I've been looking into it, and I've found that the best relationships and marriages are not about being happy all the time, but about being able to force yourself into loving them, and that force turns real. As they say "What the brain does, the heart will soon follow."

[Noir]

"force yourself into loving them"

Well that seems to be mildly defeating the purpose, no?

Personaly I'll go with 'I love you because' and

[Abbey Marie]

"force yourself into loving them"

Well that seems to be mildly defeating the purpose, no?

Personaly I'll go with 'I love you because' and

Where did he say anything about forcing yourself to love the person? I read it to say that you will stick with them through the tough times.

[Noir]

Where did he say anything about forcing yourself to love the person? I read it to say that you will stick with them through the tough times.

See bold.


In my church, we began to look into what we should look for in a woman, and the bible says three things about this.
1. Moral
2. Christian
3. Willing to put up with you.

Our pastier has told us, it's not about how much we love them when we marry, its how we grow to love them.
he say's there's three types of love. 2 will never work.
1. I'll love you if...
2. I love you because

Now, the second one sounds nicer, but people change over time, and you might not enjoy that.

3. I'll gut it out with you.

Number three says that I'll love you even when we get into screaming matches. Not once does the marriage ceremony say "I'll love you till ____."
It says forever. Always will you love this person, even when they make you want to pull out your hair.
I've been looking into it, and I've found that the best relationships and marriages are not about being happy all the time, but about being able to *force yourself into loving them*, and that force turns real. As they say "What the brain does, the heart will soon follow."

[darin]

In my church, we began to look into what we should look for in a woman, and the bible says three things about this.
1. Moral
2. Christian
3. Willing to put up with you.

Our pastier has told us, it's not about how much we love them when we marry, its how we grow to love them.
he say's there's three types of love. 2 will never work.
1. I'll love you if...
2. I love you because

Now, the second one sounds nicer, but people change over time, and you might not enjoy that.

3. I'll gut it out with you.

Number three says that I'll love you even when we get into screaming matches. Not once does the marriage ceremony say "I'll love you till ____."
It says forever. Always will you love this person, even when they make you want to pull out your hair.
I've been looking into it, and I've found that the best relationships and marriages are not about being happy all the time, but about being able to force yourself into loving them, and that force turns real. As they say "What the brain does, the heart will soon follow."


The traditional christian - churchy - checklist for a mate depresses the hell out of me.

I highly suggest NOT marrying based on a decision. Marry based on passion. More later.

[logroller]

The traditional christian - churchy - checklist for a mate depresses the hell out of me.

I highly suggest NOT marrying based on a decision. Marry based on passion. More later.

and the sincere willingness to work hard at it...marriage I mean, not passion...well passion too I guess.

Speaking of christianity and passion-- ever read song of solomon (http://www.fourmilab.ch/etexts/www/Bible/Song_of_Solomon.html)? I strongly urge all married people to read it with their husband/wife--HOTTTTTTT!

[Abbey Marie]

See bold.

I thought that meant you should force it when the times get tough and you're not feeling the love.

Of course you should never force yourself to love someone from the get-go. Perhaps you are right and that is what Cadet meant. :dunno:

[logroller]

I thought that meant you should force it when the times get tough and you're not feeling the love.

Of course you should never force yourself to love someone from the get-go. Perhaps you are right and that is what Cadet meant. :dunno:

Now this is where i think marriage talk gets all messed-up. Love is not exclusive to marriage. You should love others, this is a good thing to do. Marriage is a commitment to combine that pursuit of love. If you truly stop loving your spouse and reject the mutual pursuit of love, I don't see how you can love anyone. Even in divorce, I believe most people still, albeit with some disdain, feel love for their former spouse. Especially with kids involved; that mutual love still abounds.

[Love Monkey]

Finding a woman is easy. Getting them to be discrete is the hard part.

[cadet]

The point is, is that when times get tough, you don't just give up, and you keep on loving them anyway. that's what i was trying to say.

and Noir, the "i love you because" turns into a problem, people change over time, and you never know what they'll change into. you may love who they are now, but in the long run, they'll change into someone completely different. like girls who fall in love with the adventurous guy, who turns into a boring old man. Who likes to garden.

"I love you because" may last longer then "I'll love you if", but it still ends in tears. The point is to love them for the core of who they are, and realize that they're going to change into someone different.

life throws curve balls at you in a relationship. Which means, even when you hate them, you gotta love them.

[cadet]

The traditional christian - churchy - checklist for a mate depresses the hell out of me.

I highly suggest NOT marrying based on a decision. Marry based on passion. More later.

I never said to only marry someone for these reasons, find somebody you care about, and realize that at some points, its gonna be hell. but is SHOULD get better.

[Noir]

The point is, is that when times get tough, you don't just give up, and you keep on loving them anyway. that's what i was trying to say.

and Noir, the "i love you because" turns into a problem, people change over time, and you never know what they'll change into. you may love who they are now, but in the long run, they'll change into someone completely different. like girls who fall in love with the adventurous guy, who turns into a boring old man. Who likes to garden.

"I love you because" may last longer then "I'll love you if", but it still ends in tears. The point is to love them for the core of who they are, and realize that they're going to change into someone different.

life throws curve balls at you in a relationship. Which means, even when you hate them, you gotta love them.

Well it depends on the 'becauses' if you love someone 'because they are Adventurous' then obviously there will come a time (maybe due to age, illness or finances etc) that they won't be so Adventourous. However, if you love someone because they are kind and honest, but over time they turn into someone who's mean and deceitful you couldn't be expected to keep loving them because they use to be honest.

Maddness lies the way of "forcing" yourself to live someone, and leaves you open to abuse if core elements of their personality change.

[cadet]

Let me put it this way, when you marry, you say "Till death due us part" not "Till you piss me off, and I don't love you anymore."

I'm saying put some backbone into it and tough it out through the hard times.

[Noir]

Let me put it this way, when you marry, you say "Till death due us part" not "Till you piss me off, and I don't love you anymore."

I'm saying put some backbone into it and tough it out through the hard times.

What about 'until you beat seven hells out of me'? Or do you think a woman (or indeed man) should forced to stay in an abusive relationship and *love* their abuser?

Til 'death do us part' is a nice idea, and I guess we all hope we find a partner that we would want that kind of a relationship with, of course that means taking the good with the bad. However, there are bads that are so bad that they give justifiable cause to Renounce your vows. No one should feel bad for renocing vows that their parented was not keeping to anyways.

[Nukeman]

What about 'until you beat seven hells out of me'? Or do you think a woman (or indeed man) should forced to stay in an abusive relationship and *love* their abuser?

Til 'death do us part' is a nice idea, and I guess we all hope we find a partner that we would want that kind of a relationship with, of course that means taking the good with the bad. However, there are bads that are so bad that they give justifiable cause to Renounce your vows. No one should feel bad for renocing vows that their parented was not keeping to anyways.Honestly Noir do you feel that is what he is implying with his posts?? You are taking to extremes here. I think you know very well he does NOT mean that a woman or a man should stay in an abbusive relationship, I think what he is saying is that regardless of how good life is there will always be ups and downs. Marriage is for BETTER or WORSE.. that means that times will be tough and those times are when we as adults take it upon ourselves to say that this will pass and we will work through it, not ohh well got a little tough there so I'm outa here.....

You're being melodramatic in this and tallking about extremes. there are ALWAYS exceptions, and I haven't seen one thing in Cadets posts that say someone should stay in an abusive relationship, as for the "forcing" part I believe what he means is sometimes we have to FORCE ourselves to see another point of view and step out of our comfort zone to. You have to FORCE yourself to bend and be accepting of things you may not like but people change and we have to be willing to change with them!!! IMHO

[Noir]

Honestly Noir do you feel that is what he is implying with his posts?? *You are taking to extremes here. *I think you know very well he does NOT mean that a woman or a man should stay in an abbusive relationship, I think what he is saying is that regardless of how good life is there will always be ups and downs. *Marriage is for BETTER or WORSE.. *that means that times will be tough and those times are when we as adults take it upon ourselves to say that this will pass and we will work through it, not ohh well got a little tough there so I'm outa here.....

You're being melodramatic in this and tallking about extremes. *there are ALWAYS exceptions, and I haven't seen one thing in Cadets posts that say someone should stay in an abusive relationship, as for the "forcing" part I believe what he means is sometimes we have to FORCE ourselves to see another point of view and step out of our comfort zone to. *You have to FORCE yourself to bend and be accepting of things you may not like but people change and we have to be willing to change with them!!! *IMHO

He stated 'til death do us part' which is a nice idea - except when it's not.*

Obviously I chose domestic violence as an example because it's something everyone (except an idiot or possibly a very religious person...though is there a difference?) would agree is a reason to break up a marriage. And while it is *rare it's not *that* rare. Something like 25% of women in the UK will suffer violence from a partner at least once in their life, I imagine the numbers are similar for the US.*

but there are countless other example I could of used, like if a partner starts to become deceitful, ruining the trust you should share, or what if they fall out of love with you? Should you force yourself to love someone who does not reciprocate,*
and all but ignore your affections?*

I could go on, 'til death do us part' has countless 'get out clauses' some may say too many, and some many say we're too quick to terminate the vow, however, if someone believes that have to stick with someone who's making them unhappy because of a vow they took then they are putting themselves at risk of not being in a happy (and loving) relationship again.*

[Abbey Marie]

I never said to only marry someone for these reasons, find somebody you care about, and realize that at some points, its gonna be hell. but is SHOULD get better.

I've been married a long time, and it's never been hell.

[logroller]

To those who have serious doubts about getting married, don't. It's nothing you need talk yourself into. When its the right time with the right person, you'll know.

[avatar4321]

You don't have to force yourself to love anyone. If you serve them and think of their needs over your own, the love will come naturally.