Is Child Support Sexist?

[chloe]

Emmett made a good point in another thread. It does seem like when men are raising children alone they don't tend to enforce child support financial obligations from women. I have seen this pattern alot, A guy I worked before he lost his job was raising his 2 yr old son alone no child support and daycare cost was killing him. My ex brother in law raised his little girl alone for 8 yrs before she went to live with her mother again. Now when he raised her he got no child support, but when the mom got her back she wanted child support. What's up with that?

[darin]

I'd say - without any evidence to speak of - 85% of all child-support and custody laws/decisions are sexist. There's NO legal DEBT in the USA which can send a citizen to prison except late extortio-erp...Late child-support payments.

Back a few years ago me and my misses were pondering divorce. if I recall I'd have to pay about $2000 for two kids. Here's the rub -

If my wife had worked then, and she and I paid for child care, upon divorce the entire amount of that child care would be MY responsibility. Not split 50-50...100% the responsibility of the Father.

Politicians are too afraid to push for reasonable child custody/support legislation. Can you imagine liberals screaming about a politician being 'anti-women' if they made child support payments based on common sense? The problem is, the vast majority of people (as a group, not inviduals) are stupid. They'd believe it.

[Noir]

The whole system is sexist against men, its not so bad now i guess but back when my dad was trying to get custody of me, as he did, the arguments for me staying with my mother raised by her legal team were that she was my mother, ergo i should be with her, and the judge ended up suspending the decision and told her legal team they would have to find a better reason than that.

It just goes to show though what they thought they could have got away with at the time given that men almost ever got custody if the mother was in sound health.

[Joyful HoneyBee]

I, too, believe that the system tends to be sexist in favor of women. I have known of a few single fathers who were not receiving child support. One gentleman in particular was rearing five children all by himself. Within a couple of months of the birth of the last child, his wife just left and didn't even contact him for a few weeks, (though she did leave a note saying she would call when she was ready to talk). He initially set out to attempt to get child support, but his attorney told him it was pretty hopeless since she had never held down gainful employment in all the years of their marriage. He opted instead to prevent her from having visitation with the children, which worked out beautifully since she went on to become a drunken druggie. He did very well, however, evidenced by the fact the first three of the five graduated at the top of their class in school. I don't know about the two youngest simply because I lost contact with the family.

Another ended up with his two daughters and gets no child support, though his ex-wife pushes to help her new husband avoid paying child support to his ex-wives. This woman also shows little interest in visitation with her daughters. Sad :(

And, I know of someone whose two daughters spent almost all their time with their father and his second wife, yet the mother still demanded child support all along, even having him locked up while the girls were at his home; then, when he split with his second wife, the daughters lived with the stepmother who received no child support from either of the natural parents. Talk about a messed up way of life. During the time the girls lived with him, though, he had petitioned the court to have the mother pay child support to him and the court through him and his petition to the curb.

[chloe]

Yeah my ex brother on law got custody of his daughter when she was 4 yrs old , her mom was on drugs and in & out of jail. He raised his little girl for 8 yrs by himself with no child support. Then when hsi daughter was 12yr her mom got sober "supposedly" and the daughter moved back in with the mom, who has 4 other kids from all different dads. Then the mom wanted child support even though she never paid my bro a dime !:eek:

[darin]

...and then there's the AMOUNT of child support required. It's sickening. To think my kids would 'cost' $2000/month is ridiculous. We probably spend $500-600/month to feed them...they get clothes every few months...

[Kathianne]

I never sought alimony, though I should have with my hearing, being an at home mom for 14 years, and my ex making over 100k per year in 1992.

As I said, I never wanted his money, but OUR children were in many extra curricular activities. the $1800 a month didn't cut it. I ended up working over 80 hours per week to provide the opportunities they'd had before the split.

On the other hand, if he'd sought custody, I hadn't worked for 14 years. Seriously there isn't a comparison. There came a time he laughed at what I'd done to provide for them, but it came back to bite him.

Funny thing, I find the most macho guys, those that want their wives to stay home with the kids, are those that make the most hay out of how hard it is for those same wives to do so, when the males bale. I would never suggest to my daughter that she stay home with the kids, it's just wrong.

[Joyful HoneyBee]

..... I would never suggest to my daughter that she stay home with the kids, it's just wrong.

Agreed 100%! I have instructed my daughters, who are 16 and 18 at this time, that they need to focus on their education(s) and develop a career long before they decide to commit themselves to any relationship(s). Actually, I've tried to instruct my 20 year old son on this same philosophy. I've told all three of them that 'jobs' are what you do while you build your education to launch a genuine career, and that jobs are of themselves a form of education. I don't want any of my children to end up in a financial struggle whether they eventually have to raise kids in a single or two parent household. Interestingly, the girls are not even interested in dating at this time because they've been appalled by the amount of drama they see their friends go through. It is fine with me if they don't date until college or later....

[crin63]

I got custody of my sons when they were 6 & 3. All I wanted was my sons. I wanted to be the one to take care of them. I gave my ex-wife everything we owned together except my clothes, the oldest and worst of the 2 cars, my guns & tools.

I started my life over with an air mattress, 2 sleeping bags, 13" TV and an ice chest. It took me 10 years to financially catch up to where I was before the divorce.

I never went after child support although the hag is going to go after my pension (for the years we were married) whenever I get it. The only thing that she ever did to help out was to buy coats for the boys one year when I was broke.

I've raised all my kids to get their education and establish careers before they get married, including my daughter. However I'm raising my daughter to be a stay at home mom. I just don't believe that there is anything that a mother can do that is more important than to be the one to raise her own kids. To teach her kids the values that her and her husband have. I just don't think anyone else can do that.

[HogTrash]

I got custody of my sons when they were 6 & 3. All I wanted was my sons. I wanted to be the one to take care of them. I gave my ex-wife everything we owned together except my clothes, the oldest and worst of the 2 cars, my guns & tools.

I started my life over with an air mattress, 2 sleeping bags, 13" TV and an ice chest. It took me 10 years to financially catch up to where I was before the divorce.

I never went after child support although the hag is going to go after my pension (for the years we were married) whenever I get it. The only thing that she ever did to help out was to buy coats for the boys one year when I was broke.

I've raised all my kids to get their education and establish careers before they get married, including my daughter. However I'm raising my daughter to be a stay at home mom. I just don't believe that there is anything that a mother can do that is more important than to be the one to raise her own kids. To teach her kids the values that her and her husband have. I just don't think anyone else can do that.Your children are very lucky to have a loving father like you in their life.

They will remember your dedication long after you have gone...Well done friend.

[chloe]

I never sought alimony, though I should have with my hearing, being an at home mom for 14 years, and my ex making over 100k per year in 1992.

As I said, I never wanted his money, but OUR children were in many extra curricular activities. the $1800 a month didn't cut it. I ended up working over 80 hours per week to provide the opportunities they'd had before the split.

On the other hand, if he'd sought custody, I hadn't worked for 14 years. Seriously there isn't a comparison. There came a time he laughed at what I'd done to provide for them, but it came back to bite him.

Funny thing, I find the most macho guys, those that want their wives to stay home with the kids, are those that make the most hay out of how hard it is for those same wives to do so, when the males bale. I would never suggest to my daughter that she stay home with the kids, it's just wrong.

I didnt seek alimony either, he's about 5 months behind on child support right now but luckily I am working still and so we are fine. He is really good about catching up when he has the ability. Yeah I think the mistake I made was staying home and not finishing college. But I loved the time I got with my babies and you really can't put a price on that.

[glockmail]

My loser nephew gets child support payments from his white trash ex. My sister, his mom, handles the transaction and doesn't accept the money.

[Hagbard Celine]

Is Child Support Sexist?

Nah. :dance:

[emmett]

You know what, six of one, have dozen of another to me. All that should matter to either parent is the welfare of the children......PERIOD!

Personally I never asked for any child support. I knew I had to support my child either way. It wasn't like I wasn't going to do my best from either side of the issue. I did have to adjust as far as jobs went from time to time but all in all I wouldn;t have done it any differently if I had it to do again.

My x-wife made a very tough decision to allow my son to stay with me because he was a challenging case from a disciplinary angle. I agreed and we turned out to be correct. He would walked all over her at a later age and we both agreed on that.

The point that Kathy made applied in our case however. She had not been working foir several years and had just went back to work before we got divorced. She wasn;t earning a lot of money yet and I could not have seen placing that burden on her when I was capable. Each case is isolated and stands alone I'm sure.

As for the guys who do not pay child support. I have no sympothy for them what so ever. I wish what i went through on all of em. Go to work, come home fix meals, clean house, do laundry, coach sports and keep up with school all alone is quite a chore. It allows a unique insight into what so many women go through in our world though. I found the years to be quite an education myself. Made me a better person in the end I believe.

[Joyful HoneyBee]

I don't expect to ever see the tens of thousands of dollars of back child support my ex owes me. I will seek a judgment after my youngest is 18, but since you cannot squeeze cash out of a rotten turnip it will probably be a moot gesture. If I get it, fine....if not, fine - I already got the best of all possible worlds because I was able to bring up my children without his worthless input. They have turned out very well and never had to doubt that they are loved and cherished by their mom.

[crin63]

Your children are very lucky to have a loving father like you in their life.

They will remember your dedication long after you have gone...Well done friend.

Thanks! It was just the grace of God in my life.

My hats off to any single parent raising kids without the help of the kids other parent.

I personally don't and won't have any tolerance for deadbeat dads. I've seen it too many times. It breaks my heart to see a kid wondering why mom or dad left them. I have a real soft spot for kids without dads in their lives.

[HogTrash]

Beginning with the baby boomers, all generations have used poor standards by which to choose their lifemates.

This is obvious by modern divorce rates, broken homes and multiple marriages and the children who suffer most for these choices.

This can all be traced back to the sexual revolution of the 60's and the rebellion of youth against their parents standards of morality, family and God.

The young people abandoned their parents teachings and were made to believe that a loyal, loving, caring, selfless, hardworking and moral mate was no longer a priority.

These qualities were sacrificed for material pleasures and a pretty face, big knockers, big muscles, a good lay, a nice car and/or good dope...These things are the result of liberlism at work.

I don't make the rules I just pass them on...Welcome to the real world.

[crin63]

Beginning with the baby boomers, all generations have used poor standards by which to choose their lifemates.

This is obvious by modern divorce rates, broken homes and multiple marriages and the children who suffer most for these choices.

This can all be traced back to the sexual revolution of the 60's and the rebellion of youth against their parents standards of morality, family and God.

The young people abandoned their parents teachings and were made to believe that a loyal, loving, caring, selfless, hardworking and moral mate was no longer a priority.

These qualities were sacrificed for material pleasures and a pretty face, big knockers, big muscles, a good lay, a nice car and/or good dope...These things are the result of liberlism at work.

I don't make the rules I just pass them on...Welcome to the real world.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to HogTrash again.

[emmett]

I knew it was you that robbed that damn bank!

[Jeff]

When I divorced my first wife she had custody of both on my Boys, I paid out the wazoo and had no problem doing so, after all they are my children, I would drive the 3 hours to go pick them up every other Friday then drive the 3 hours home, then would have to repeat that on Sunday when it was time to take them home

My oldest came to live with me and I never received a dime from my X, then my younger boy came to live with me , he is know 15 years old has been with me for 4 years now and up till now she has bought him a pair of sneakers, she just sent him a check for Christmas for a whopping 75 bucks, ya would think if she had no financial responsibility she would of at least sent him enough to buy some clothes

Is Child support sexist yes it is, but IMO my X can shove her money, my 15 year old is on the honor roll every year plays ball for the HS and has not been in trouble but 1 time since he has been here, oooo and by the way, the only way she would let the boys come live with me is if I signed a contract saying I wouldn't seek support, LOL, is it sexist maybe, then again maybe it is just greedy ignorant people we should talk about

[NightTrain]

I'm afraid I'm about to find out first-hand about this.

I was with Misty for a total of 17 years, raised her two kids like they were my own and had 3 kids with her during our marriage and both were deadbeat dads and I supported them without their help.

In retrospect, I don't know how I could have missed what was going on, but she had multiple affairs throughout our marriage that I just became aware of a month ago, and as the saying goes, the shit hit the fan when I learned all the gory details.

She promptly bailed for 5 days when I confronted her and no one knew where she was. She was shacked up with her best friend's ex, whom she had "fallen in love" with recently.

10 days after everything exploded, she took my 13 year old son to dinner with her new flavor-of-the-month, which infuriates me to no end. The casual way in which she threw away the marriage and destroyed my children's world is absolutely appalling.

I'm gearing up now for what promises to be a knock-down-drag-out fight over custody - my main concern is for the children and the horrible manner in which she conducts her personal affairs and being a role model. They all have seen that marriage and family is something one can lightly toss aside, and I don't know how I'm going to repair that.

As far as child support, if I lose the case then I'll be forced to continue to finance her little expedition into the wild blue yonder even at a 50/50 custody which she has offered due to the fact that I make 2.5 times what she does.

She has a decent paying job, and it absolutely galls me to think that I should have to pay her after what she did. She chose her path.

I have absolutely no problem paying for food, clothes and expenses for my kids but blindly giving her money to do with as she pleases isn't right. She doesn't deserve it and it's not my job to support her promiscous ass anymore.

[chloe]

I'm afraid I'm about to find out first-hand about this.

I was with Misty for a total of 17 years, raised her two kids like they were my own and had 3 kids with her during our marriage and both were deadbeat dads and I supported them without their help.

In retrospect, I don't know how I could have missed what was going on, but she had multiple affairs throughout our marriage that I just became aware of a month ago, and as the saying goes, the shit hit the fan when I learned all the gory details.

She promptly bailed for 5 days when I confronted her and no one knew where she was. She was shacked up with her best friend's ex, whom she had "fallen in love" with recently.

10 days after everything exploded, she took my 13 year old son to dinner with her new flavor-of-the-month, which infuriates me to no end. The casual way in which she threw away the marriage and destroyed my children's world is absolutely appalling.

I'm gearing up now for what promises to be a knock-down-drag-out fight over custody - my main concern is for the children and the horrible manner in which she conducts her personal affairs and being a role model. They all have seen that marriage and family is something one can lightly toss aside, and I don't know how I'm going to repair that.

As far as child support, if I lose the case then I'll be forced to continue to finance her little expedition into the wild blue yonder even at a 50/50 custody which she has offered due to the fact that I make 2.5 times what she does.

She has a decent paying job, and it absolutely galls me to think that I should have to pay her after what she did. She chose her path.

I have absolutely no problem paying for food, clothes and expenses for my kids but blindly giving her money to do with as she pleases isn't right. She doesn't deserve it and it's not my job to support her promiscous ass anymore.

Damn Nighttrain I'm so sorry !!! She sounds like a horrible person , My ex husband cheated on me too, I was so devastated, he just flaunted all his girlfriends in front of me and I had devoted my life to him and our children. I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling, the shock of it all, especially when you give someone all your love and its not good enough for them. I hope you get custody of the kids. I'm really sorry to hear about all your troubles and also the pain the kids must feel inside too. God Bless ya, be strong through this trial!

[NightTrain]

Thanks Chloe.

I have almost a gig of documents typed by her and her various lovers that I hope will weigh in my favor when the day comes that proves her infidelity over the years... however, I'm not sure how the judge will view my hacking abilities used to secure these messages.

Time will tell, and hopefully the lawyer meeting I have on the 28th.

[chloe]

Thanks Chloe.

I have almost a gig of documents typed by her and her various lovers that I hope will weigh in my favor when the day comes that proves her infidelity over the years... however, I'm not sure how the judge will view my hacking abilities used to secure these messages.

Time will tell, and hopefully the lawyer meeting I have on the 28th.

Just record your phone conversations of her talking about why she cheated, as long as your a party of the conversation it should be admissable .

[DragonStryk72]

Emmett made a good point in another thread. It does seem like when men are raising children alone they don't tend to enforce child support financial obligations from women. I have seen this pattern alot, A guy I worked before he lost his job was raising his 2 yr old son alone no child support and daycare cost was killing him. My ex brother in law raised his little girl alone for 8 yrs before she went to live with her mother again. Now when he raised her he got no child support, but when the mom got her back she wanted child support. What's up with that?

Hell, courts these days, unless you can prove the mother is a danger to the child, there almost no chance in hell that she isn't leaving with that child, and the accompanying child support. the only place where this changes over is with teenagers, where the courts will generally allow the teen to choose which parent they stay with, although this is most usually motivated by the idea that it takes the blame off the courts.

Yes, they are sexist, incredibly so when you really think about it. I know a divorced couple, the guy made LESS than the woman does, and she gets child support from him, even though she can support the kids more than well enough on her own without the payments. If roles were reversed, the guy would not have received cent one from child support.

We have to start having the laws apply to EVERYONE, equally. That's one our main lines of thought, that we are all equal in this country, and it's time we started doing just that.

[chloe]

Hell, courts these days, unless you can prove the mother is a danger to the child, there almost no chance in hell that she isn't leaving with that child, and the accompanying child support. the only place where this changes over is with teenagers, where the courts will generally allow the teen to choose which parent they stay with, although this is most usually motivated by the idea that it takes the blame off the courts.

Yes, they are sexist, incredibly so when you really think about it. I know a divorced couple, the guy made LESS than the woman does, and she gets child support from him, even though she can support the kids more than well enough on her own without the payments. If roles were reversed, the guy would not have received cent one from child support.

We have to start having the laws apply to EVERYONE, equally. That's one our main lines of thought, that we are all equal in this country, and it's time we started doing just that.


I don't understand why the double standard has been perpetuated all these years? This is the same with my ex bro in law he paid child support faithfully but then when he had custody not one dime was paid to him. Also if one parent makes alot of money and clearly doesn't need the child support why does the other parent have to pay it? Hoenstly My ex hasn't paid in 6 months and I only make $23,000 a year. However, i would be happy if he just took our kids grocery shopping and helped with dental bills. child support should only be used for the children.

[Joyful HoneyBee]

Child support is just that, and some amount of it should be paid by the non-custodial parent regardless of the fact the custodial parent may earn more. The purpose of child support is to provide for the overall benefit of children; and, that includes paying for a home, utilities, groceries and every aspect of the cost of rearing children. It is ludicrous that a custodial father should not be granted child support equally in relation to that of custodial mothers. Some fathers don't ask for it, however, but, are and should be entitled at any point they deem necessary.

[SassyLady]

This is my personal experience with child support:

When I married my first husband he was paying child support for two children. One year into our marriage his ex decided to go back to school and get a degree and she gave the children to us...........and she did not have to pay any child support. She went on to become a high school principal making pretty good money ..... way more than he did at the time. We were just happy to not have to deal with her in any way so we did not pursue the child support.

When I left my ex I did not ask for alimony or child support. I don't believe in having more children than you can support on your own, therefore, I had one child (my mother had 7 and we were on welfare more often than not and I hated it). My ex carried our child on his health and dental insurance, but other than that he didn't contribute a dime to our household (I suggested that he put money away every month in a college fund instead - but he didn't).

When I married my second husband he was supporting two children and paying alimony. He had to pay the alimony for five years and we paid child support for two children for 8 years and one child for an extra two years.........for the first five years he paid 50% of his salary..........and did not complain. He is a very responsible person who felt his children deserved as much as he could give them. We put his oldest through college (his youngest has Downs and won't need college).

Bottom line is that no one should have more children than they are capable of supporting on their own...........because sometimes the other parent dies and there is no insurance or child support. So don't have children with someone thinking they will always be there to provide monetary support.

[DragonStryk72]

I don't understand why the double standard has been perpetuated all these years? This is the same with my ex bro in law he paid child support faithfully but then when he had custody not one dime was paid to him. Also if one parent makes alot of money and clearly doesn't need the child support why does the other parent have to pay it? Hoenstly My ex hasn't paid in 6 months and I only make $23,000 a year. However, i would be happy if he just took our kids grocery shopping and helped with dental bills. child support should only be used for the children.

And that's the thing, child support, in being mandatory, and punishable, comes across as a punishment. A lot of guys look at it as being a punishment for not being married, and it is hard to argue with that logic when you look at it. The ones who are deadbeats will be deadbeats regardless of what the child support is or isn't. We'll take my buddy Ron as an example: when he and his wife split up, she got their two daughters, which Ron was okay with, since it seemed natural for the girls to go with their mom. Child support was established by the courts (and yes, sometimes they'll assign child support without consulting the parents in question), and they had a whole new ream of fights to have. Now, a few years ago, they both appealled the child support, which the court granted, ending the official child support. From this point on, Ron has actually gotten better about making sure his kids have what they need, and has few fights with their mother. The problem, in this instance, is that child support became a point of contention.

Originally, you have to remember, women were the ones who stayed home with the children, and what began to happen is you would have women getting divorced by their husbands after years of marriage, and they had nowhere to turn. The problem is that they never changed the model to meet the current times. The courts are still playing by the 60s-70s rules of family structure in most instances, and are slow to change.

[Jeff]

And that's the thing, child support, in being mandatory, and punishable, comes across as a punishment. A lot of guys look at it as being a punishment for not being married, and it is hard to argue with that logic when you look at it. The ones who are deadbeats will be deadbeats regardless of what the child support is or isn't. We'll take my buddy Ron as an example: when he and his wife split up, she got their two daughters, which Ron was okay with, since it seemed natural for the girls to go with their mom. Child support was established by the courts (and yes, sometimes they'll assign child support without consulting the parents in question), and they had a whole new ream of fights to have. Now, a few years ago, they both appealled the child support, which the court granted, ending the official child support. From this point on, Ron has actually gotten better about making sure his kids have what they need, and has few fights with their mother. The problem, in this instance, is that child support became a point of contention.

Originally, you have to remember, women were the ones who stayed home with the children, and what began to happen is you would have women getting divorced by their husbands after years of marriage, and they had nowhere to turn. The problem is that they never changed the model to meet the current times. The courts are still playing by the 60s-70s rules of family structure in most instances, and are slow to change.

Child support is every parents responsibility, plan and simple, even if they don't live with you, you should help support them, no matter who they live with Mom or Dad , the other should contribute

AS for the 60's and 70's that would be alimony and I agree with ya 100%

[DragonStryk72]

Child support is every parents responsibility, plan and simple, even if they don't live with you, you should help support them, no matter who they live with Mom or Dad , the other should contribute

AS for the 60's and 70's that would be alimony and I agree with ya 100%

Child support as well, because in the instances where the father gets the kids, the mother in almost all cases is not required to pay child support, thus, a direct inequity.

Yes, supporting your children is a responsibility, but the only ones who get slammed by the child support laws are the ones who are following them. The deadbeats will still end up as deadbeats, because the law cannot make them care about those kids, and in truth, a lot of times, it just makes an already bad situation worse.

[Jeff]

Child support as well, because in the instances where the father gets the kids, the mother in almost all cases is not required to pay child support, thus, a direct inequity.

Yes, supporting your children is a responsibility, but the only ones who get slammed by the child support laws are the ones who are following them. The deadbeats will still end up as deadbeats, because the law cannot make them care about those kids, and in truth, a lot of times, it just makes an already bad situation worse.

Not sure how the law is in VA , but in SC and GA , you may be a dead beat but you will eventually pay, or do without a driver's lisc. until they find you to lock ya up

As for the Mother not paying again in GA that is not the case, I just found this out, I had signed a agreement with my ex that I wouldn't seek any type of support for my kids when they came to live with me, just recently I spoke to a attorney about getting legal custody of my son, he told me it wouldn't be a problem being my boy has lived with me for so long BUT the ex would have to pay support, I showed him our agreement and he said no judge in GA would honor it, that BOTH parents are responsible for the children, the only way the ex would not have to pay support was if she made under 1200 a month is what they told me

[chloe]

My ex hasn't paid child support for 6 months now, but he also doesn't have much work, He avoids my calls and emails I think he feels bad about being behind because he never has been this bad off financially. So I said to him, even if you can't pay you could help in other ways by just spending more time with our kids while I'm at work. Child support also isn't just money, he is a good person overall he is just bad with money. Sometimes I think money becomes more important then what kids really need is just to have their parent interested in them and investing time , energy into there kids life. But yeah I think the whole court system is sexist and out of date when it comes to child custody and child support. In would be completley fine with the child support being worked out in other ways like taking them shopping for school supplies, groceries, or paying for there other expenses directly. But right now he doesn't pay anything and my health insurance at work is about to go up too, on an incomce of $23,000 a year its going to be tough on us but we will manage.

[Kathianne]

My ex hasn't paid child support for 6 months now, but he also doesn't have much work, He avoids my calls and emails I think he feels bad about being behind because he never has been this bad off financially. So I said to him, even if you can't pay you could help in other ways by just spending more time with our kids while I'm at work. Child support also isn't just money, he is a good person overall he is just bad with money. Sometimes I think money becomes more important then what kids really need is just to have their parent interested in them and investing time , energy into there kids life. But yeah I think the whole court system is sexist and out of date when it comes to child custody and child support. In would be completley fine with the child support being worked out in other ways like taking them shopping for school supplies, groceries, or paying for there other expenses directly. But right now he doesn't pay anything and my health insurance at work is about to go up too, on an incomce of $23,000 a year its going to be tough on us but we will manage.

Been there, on your end. My ex never ran behind, shit he was paying less than he should have by 2X. But I've been where you are.

[chloe]

Been there, on your end. My ex never ran behind, shit he was paying less than he should have by 2X. But I've been where you are.

Yeah you worked your ass off to put yourself through school while raising your kids. I respect you ! I know my ex feels truly bad about it though and so I don't beat him over the head with it, his parents have been good to me too. I just wish the economy was better.

[Shadow]

I never sought alimony, though I should have with my hearing, being an at home mom for 14 years, and my ex making over 100k per year in 1992.

As I said, I never wanted his money, but OUR children were in many extra curricular activities. the $1800 a month didn't cut it. I ended up working over 80 hours per week to provide the opportunities they'd had before the split.

On the other hand, if he'd sought custody, I hadn't worked for 14 years. Seriously there isn't a comparison. There came a time he laughed at what I'd done to provide for them, but it came back to bite him.

Funny thing, I find the most macho guys, those that want their wives to stay home with the kids, are those that make the most hay out of how hard it is for those same wives to do so, when the males bale. I would never suggest to my daughter that she stay home with the kids, it's just wrong.

I am going through a divorce right now. And although I tried to get by without asking for child support,my legal aid informed me that I was required by the state to ask for the min...which is $1200.00/$1300.00 per month. I still think that is too high, I know he will not be able to pay it. Then was asked if I wanted a lump sum of back support ( since we have been seperated for several years and he has never paid child support). I said no, there is no way he could afford that...period (and he would not pay it anyway).

I agree that my ex has no idea what it takes money wise to care for the kids,especially since I have done it all myself for so long (out of sight out of mind). Especially now that they want to be involved in sports and such. I want them to enjoy their youth as much as possible so I will do what it takes,but it is not easy.

[DragonStryk72]

I am going through a divorce right now. And although I tried to get by without asking for child support,my legal aid informed me that I was required by the state to ask for the min...which is $1200.00/$1300.00 per month. I still think that is too high, I know he will not be able to pay it. Then was asked if I wanted a lump sum of back support ( since we have been seperated for several years and he has never paid child support). I said no, there is no way he could afford that...period (and he would not pay it anyway).

I agree that my ex has no idea what it takes money wise to care for the kids,especially since I have done it all myself for so long (out of sight out of mind). Especially now that they want to be involved in sports and such. I want them to enjoy their youth as much as possible so I will do what it takes,but it is not easy.

That really sucks, you should meet with the judge about possibly getting an exception in this instance on the point of child support, since neither party wants it in the first place. The courts should not be able to force you to take money from another person.

And jesus, 1200 a month? What the hell do they think people make in your state? I mean, that's 14,400 a year just in child support, not including whatever he's paying on his rent/mortgage, and other assorted necessary bills. Even if he's pulling over 30k a year, he'd been near bankrupt.

[Shadow]

Apparently the figure was a standard amount based on the fact that two kids are involved. I was told that once he was served (he lives out of state),he had 30 days to contest and it was his obligation to argue his case for the lower child support payments based on his actual monthly income and bills. We will see what actually is agreed upon. I kind of think he will just let the 30 days expire with no action (could be wrong though) and I will then just take care of the rest of the paperwork that needs to be filed myself.

[Gaffer]

The state takes a cut of all money collected in child support. A little back door tax. They want their share and make laws to ensure they get it. A persons finacial status means nothing to them.

[Shadow]

Yes, I found out the hard way that the state could care less about a person's financial status when I sought help to pay for daycare when my kids were small. I think it is silly to try and force someone into such high payments, when they could never in reality meet the monthly amount owed. When you are looking at such a daunting figure it just makes you feel overwhelmed and less likely to want to pay it IMO.

[Kathianne]

I am going through a divorce right now. And although I tried to get by without asking for child support,my legal aid informed me that I was required by the state to ask for the min...which is $1200.00/$1300.00 per month. I still think that is too high, I know he will not be able to pay it. Then was asked if I wanted a lump sum of back support ( since we have been seperated for several years and he has never paid child support). I said no, there is no way he could afford that...period (and he would not pay it anyway).

I agree that my ex has no idea what it takes money wise to care for the kids,especially since I have done it all myself for so long (out of sight out of mind). Especially now that they want to be involved in sports and such. I want them to enjoy their youth as much as possible so I will do what it takes,but it is not easy.

You should have said yes to the lump sum, but offered to have him pay it in less than lump, say an additional couple hundred a month, until paid in full. Remember that child support isn't for you, but the kids. If you were still married, they'd benefit by your spouse's salary, they should be able to participate in the same sort of activities.

If there's a job loss or something like that, well reasonableness holds. The kids activities would be scaled back or eliminated IF you were still married. That's how I'd look at the situation.

Remember, there's a world of difference between alimony and child support.

[Kathianne]

That really sucks, you should meet with the judge about possibly getting an exception in this instance on the point of child support, since neither party wants it in the first place. The courts should not be able to force you to take money from another person.

And jesus, 1200 a month? What the hell do they think people make in your state? I mean, that's 14,400 a year just in child support, not including whatever he's paying on his rent/mortgage, and other assorted necessary bills. Even if he's pulling over 30k a year, he'd been near bankrupt.

Depends on how many kids and how much the person makes. We had 3 kids so he paid $5400 a month, + tuition, + extra dental/orthodontia. When the kids turned 18, the amount was decreased by 1800 a month. He knew he was getting by easy. The week after our divorce was finalized, he 'earned' a promotion of over $40k per year. My lawyer was livid, but after 4 years I didn't want anymore fights.

[Shadow]

My biggest problem with the child support issue is that reguardless of the amount...I doubt he will pay it...period. So, I was actually looking at it as an extra fight not worth having at this point. I asked him to help pay for my daughter's braces awhile back (didn't even ask for half...just whatever he could afford). He hasn't sent anything,and when you talk to him all you hear is how hard he has got it (this has been going on for years). I don't know...it's kind of pointless to me to even bother. I know he should pay to support his kids,but he isn't going to ,so I just don't expect anything anymore.

[Kathianne]

My biggest problem with the child support issue is that reguardless of the amount...I doubt he will pay it...period. So, I was actually looking at it as an extra fight not worth having at this point. I asked him to help pay for my daughter's braces awhile back (didn't even ask for half...just whatever he could afford). He hasn't sent anything,and when you talk to him all you hear is how hard he has got it (this has been going on for years). I don't know...it's kind of pointless to me to even bother. I know he should pay to support his kids,but he isn't going to ,so I just don't expect anything anymore.

Well if you make enough to keep the kids in decent shape, perhaps for the best. I'd been home with them since the oldest was born, over 12 years. I had to go back to school and lots happened, so that money was important for their care. If he can afford it and just won't pay, the courts will collect or he'll quit working and he will also suffer a drastic change in lifestyle.

[Shadow]

Well if you make enough to keep the kids in decent shape, perhaps for the best. I'd been home with them since the oldest was born, over 12 years. I had to go back to school and lots happened, so that money was important for their care. If he can afford it and just won't pay, the courts will collect or he'll quit working and he will also suffer a drastic change in lifestyle.

Being a single mother and trying to balance school,work and kids is very tough,so my hats off to you!

Well,just maybe once he signs on the dotted line and agrees to an actual dollar amount,he will pay it without question...so, I guess until he proves otherwise I will give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm just not going to count on any extra help,what money I do get for them (if any) I will put in their savings accounts.

[DragonStryk72]

Being a single mother and trying to balance school,work and kids is very tough,so my hats off to you!

Well,just maybe once he signs on the dotted line and agrees to an actual dollar amount,he will pay it without question...so, I guess until he proves otherwise I will give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm just not going to count on any extra help,what money I do get for them (if any) I will put in their savings accounts.

Unless you actually enforce it, I doubt that's gonna happen. Most people who are not paying in at least some sort of Child Support willingly, are not going to do so unless they absolutely have to. The only I think he would really pay it is if the court literally just yanks it out of his paycheck.

[Shadow]

Unless you actually enforce it, I doubt that's gonna happen. Most people who are not paying in at least some sort of Child Support willingly, are not going to do so unless they absolutely have to. The only I think he would really pay it is if the court literally just yanks it out of his paycheck.

That is the problem right there. He doesn't have a job that pays regularly(and he is very stubborn and refuses to get one),he does freelance computer work. I'm not exactly sure how they could garnish his wages since he doesn't have a reliable monthly income.

[chloe]

That is the problem right there. He doesn't have a job that pays regularly(and he is very stubborn and refuses to get one),he does freelance computer work. I'm not exactly sure how they could garnish his wages since he doesn't have a reliable monthly income.

Shadow you won't be able to do anything, my ex is a divorce attorney, but he doesn't have any income on paper and he hasn't paid me anything except $100.00 in the past 7 months. There's no point to turn him he would lose his lisence to practice law and also maybe go to jail and I still wouldn't get any money. Anyway when I was married to him I never knew what money he had or didnt have because he had a separate bank account and if I needed money he would transfer funds from it to a bank that was in both our names. Basically he said it was none of my business otherwise. The best you can do is see if he will buy clothes for the kids and groceries and things that directly go to the kids. For some reason it seems like ex's resent giving money to the ex who has custody of the kids but they don't resent buying their children clothes or paying school fees. My ex hasn't paid that stuff either but I think this time its because he really is broke.

[Kathianne]

Being a single mother and trying to balance school,work and kids is very tough,so my hats off to you!

Well,just maybe once he signs on the dotted line and agrees to an actual dollar amount,he will pay it without question...so, I guess until he proves otherwise I will give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm just not going to count on any extra help,what money I do get for them (if any) I will put in their savings accounts.

Thanks for the kudos, but truth is I did what I had to do. It certainly isn't what any of us would choose if there was a choice. But I will say there comes a time that we have to do an inventory and put in the credits and debits. I did alright, not perfect, but alright.

Just like I don't think that custodial parent should bad mouth or keep the kids from developing a good relation with the non-custodial parent; likewise they shouldn't be in the position of saying '(s)he loves you no matter what, even though they aren't contributing to your well being.' That is nuts and enables bad behavior. It's teaching the children that you and they aren't worth anything.

Now if the other person is not working, well can't get blood from a stone. On the other hand, if they are purposefully hiding money that should be supporting the kids, well then the jerk belongs at the mercy of the courts.

[Shadow]

Shadow you won't be able to do anything, my ex is a divorce attorney, but he doesn't have any income on paper and he hasn't paid me anything except $100.00 in the past 7 months. There's no point to turn him he would lose his lisence to practice law and also maybe go to jail and I still wouldn't get any money. Anyway when I was married to him I never knew what money he had or didnt have because he had a separate bank account and if I needed money he would transfer funds from it to a bank that was in both our names. Basically he said it was none of my business otherwise. The best you can do is see if he will buy clothes for the kids and groceries and things that directly go to the kids. For some reason it seems like ex's resent giving money to the ex who has custody of the kids but they don't resent buying their children clothes or paying school fees. My ex hasn't paid that stuff either but I think this time its because he really is broke.

Yep, I figured it was a waste of time to pursue any kind of child support so didn't want to...oh well,we will let the court sort it out. I will say this,every once in awhile (not often). He will send money to one of my kids (for camp usually) if they bug him enough, and he did buy them a cell phone (and pays the monthy bills for them) mostly so he can text/call them whenever he wants though (and to be the hero,because I wouldn't LOL).

[Shadow]

Thanks for the kudos, but truth is I did what I had to do. It certainly isn't what any of us would choose if there was a choice. But I will say there comes a time that we have to do an inventory and put in the credits and debits. I did alright, not perfect, but alright.

Just like I don't think that custodial parent should bad mouth or keep the kids from developing a good relation with the non-custodial parent; likewise they shouldn't be in the position of saying '(s)he loves you no matter what, even though they aren't contributing to your well being.' That is nuts and enables bad behavior. It's teaching the children that you and they aren't worth anything.

Now if the other person is not working, well can't get blood from a stone. On the other hand, if they are purposefully hiding money that should be supporting the kids, well then the jerk belongs at the mercy of the courts.

I agree that the custodial parent should not bad mouth,and I do let him visit them on the rare occasions he makes it out this way. It just makes me a little angry when you know that the rest of the time he blows them off financially and doesn't even try (but I'm sure they know the score,my brother and I did with our own dad when we went through the same thing as kids).

[chloe]

I agree that the custodial parent should not bad mouth,and I do let him visit them on the rare occasions he makes it out this way. It just makes me a little angry when you know that the rest of the time he blows them off financially and doesn't even try (but I'm sure they know the score,my brother and I did with our own dad when we went through the same thing as kids).

Neither parent should badmouth the other custodial or non custodial. However, my therapist said at a certain age kids are able to handle the truth and if your mad its ok to say so. That's reality. That was the main good advice I got from therapy before I quit. LOL:laugh2: