Author: At-home moms should work instead

[LiberalNation]

I kinda agree. Of course it's each individuals own personal choice but if woman don't continue to make strides in the workplace it will cause problems for later generations of woman who want to.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070406/ap_on_re_us/mommy_wars;_ylt=Ao3vETabbHk.dvguQHYdhawDW7oF

NEW YORK - "Something is very wrong with the way American women are trying to live their lives," the late Betty Friedan wrote in "The Feminine Mystique," her groundbreaking 1963 book attacking the idea that a husband and children were all a woman needed for fulfillment.

That book effectively launched the modern women's movement. But more than four decades later, writer Leslie Bennetts is trying to sound a very similar message. In "The Feminine Mistake" — the title's no accident — she argues that many young mothers have forgotten Friedan's message, embracing a 21st-century version of the 1950s stay-at-home ideal that could imperil their economic future as well as their happiness.

Needless to say, the book isn't going down smoothly with everyone — especially mothers who've chosen to stay home with their children.

"She's stereotyping stay-at-home moms," says an annoyed Debbie Newcomer, mother of a 14-month-old baby in Richmond, Texas. "This is my personal decision. I'm a better mom by staying at home."

Bennetts says she never intended to issue the latest salvo in the "Mommy Wars" — that long-running, angst- and guilt-ridden debate over whether mothers should stay home with their children. And she says she's surprised by the reaction.

"The stay-at-home moms are burning up the blogosphere denouncing me," she mused over coffee this week. "They're saying I must be divorced, childless, bitter, lonely and angry to be writing this." (Bennetts, a writer for Vanity Fair magazine, has two children with her husband, a fellow journalist.) "Clearly, I've struck a nerve."

Bennetts says she merely wanted to present factual evidence that there are great risks involved when a woman gives up economic self-sufficiency — risks she may not be thinking of during those early years of blissful, exhausting parenting.

Divorce. A husband losing his job. A husband dying. All of those, Bennetts warns, could be catastrophic for a woman and her children. And if the woman decides she'll get back to her career later, once the kids are ready? Stop dreaming, Bennetts says — a woman takes a huge salary hit after a relatively short time of being absent from the work force — that is, if she can get back in at all.

The author's arguments ring true to Anita Jevne, a mother in Eau Claire, Wis. A medical technologist who's worked for the past 28 years, Jevne says she's tried to stress to her daughters, now 16 and 19, that they need to be financially independent: "You can't assume a man is going to take care of you."

When Jevne's husband was hurt four years ago at the salvage yard where he'd worked since he was 16, the family had to depend on Anita's income while he recovered and worked toward getting a new job. "If I hadn't gone to school and gotten a degree, if I had stayed home, we would have been in big trouble," she says.

Beyond the financial necessity, Jevne always enjoyed having a world outside the home to be part of. "You're part of a community," she says. "You're giving something." That's the second message Bennetts says she's trying to impart — that there's a crucial sense of self-worth to be gained outside the home.

Some women find her views condescending, saying they deny the value of childcare in the home and assume that stay-at-home mothers haven't put enough thought into their decisions.

"I objected to her saying we haven't thought it out," says Newcomer, the Texas mother who saw Bennetts interviewed on NBC's "Today" this week, but hasn't read the book.

A college graduate and a former financial analyst for a casino, she said she's certainly considered the consequences of staying home with her daughter, and has made contingency financial plans. "And I completely understand that when I go back, it's going to be a lot harder to get a job," she says. "I know I'll have to start from the ground up."

Newcomer doesn't buy Bennetts' contention that because children are young for so short a time, it's foolish to give up an entire career in exchange for, at most, 15 years at home.

"I look at it the other way," says Newcomer. "They're only young once. So, how much time can I spend with them and make them better for society?"

When Cara Boswell watched the "Today" interview along with her husband, they discussed it for a long time afterwards. "I found it kind of insulting," she said.

Boswell, 30, of Lakeland, Fla., was in college when she became pregnant with the first of her four children. "I feel they need me now," she says. But she's optimistic she'll have options in the work force down the road. "I don't feel panicked," she says. "I really feel the author was too bleak."

One point Bennetts illustrates in her book is how money plays a role in the "opt-out" phenomenon (women choosing to leave the work force): some affluent, highly educated women are doing it because, essentially, they can — it's a sign of wealth.

But Bennetts has also been criticized for speaking only about this small percentage of affluent women.

"The author and the writers who cover the book brand at-home moms as a bunch of Pilates-class taking, regular pedicure planning women with nothing else to do but pick out window treatments," wrote Jen Singer on her blog for stay-at-home moms, MommaSaid.

Bennetts says her book is about all women — those who work at McDonald's as well as those with Harvard law degrees. "The benefits of work were really clear at all levels," she says.

She's disappointed by how difficult it is to write anything these days about women's lives. "Women are so defensive about their choices that many seem to have closed their minds entirely," she says.

But Singer, of the MommaSaid blog, acknowledged the book has a point. "Too many at-home moms don't have financial backup," she wrote. "A friend of mine cashed in everything that was in her name to put into a home renovation. So if hubby leaves her, she's got no liquid funds in her name to fall back on."

Yet she added: "Why is there a 'wrong' and a 'right' way to mother in the U.S.? I will pick up the book and read it ... but I'll probably curse a lot."

[avatar4321]

Yeah heaven forbid a woman take joy in being a mother. How evil of her!

[Trigg]

Choosing to stay home and raise your own child instead of dropping them off and letting someone else do it for you should be applauded.

Personnally I took 5 yrs off and then went back to work part-time. I don't regret that at all. When children are young they deserve to have time with their parents. I feel sorry for the babies (a few months old) I see at my sons daycare.

If a family can afford it why not stay at home????????????

[Hugh Lincoln]

Yeah heaven forbid a woman take joy in being a mother. How evil of her!

Continued attack on the traditional family. They won't stop until Western civilization is dead.

[Birdzeye]

Each family has to decide what is best for their family, and whatever decision they make - whether for Mom to stay home or get a job - deserves respect from the rest of us.

Oh, and the stay at home moms DO work!

[Abbey Marie]

But Singer, of the MommaSaid blog, acknowledged the book has a point. "Too many at-home moms don't have financial backup," she wrote.

If you strip away the agendas from both sides, and all the emotion, this is the most important point. And I agree with it. In fact, my husband and I had this very discussion at breakfast yesterday.

[krisy]

SHe wonders why woman are a little defensive about her book? She has no business deciding what is right for each individual family. We don't need her help frankly.

I also notice the "don't depend on a man" message here. Should we all work and give up oour kids early childhood years just in case hubby decides to leave? Why live like that. Her book is useless. Every woman makes a choice about what is best for her and her family,and this woman has no right to say she needs to think about that decision. If a woman can stay home....why not? Daycares these days can be atrocious. Not to mention,byt the time you pay for childcare,sometimes going to work isn't worth it.

I have worked part time since my 12 year old son was born. I have been lucky enough to have a mom that has watched my kids for me. My daughter wil be going into the first grade next year which is when I will go full time. Financially it's a must. I would never give back all the fleld trips I got to go on,helping out in the classroom,and being home when my son got home from school(which I will try to do for my daughter as well). I think for most women,kidsand family are the number 1 priority. There is nothing wrong with that.

With all that,if a woman wants to work full time,that is none of my business. I see nothing wrong with having a career. Just don't do it because a feminist tells you your supposed too.

[CockySOB]

Each family has to decide what is best for their family, and whatever decision they make - whether for Mom to stay home or get a job - deserves respect from the rest of us.

Oh, and the stay at home moms DO work!

Agreed and AMEN!

[Nienna]

Newcomer doesn't buy Bennetts' contention that because children are young for so short a time, it's foolish to give up an entire career in exchange for, at most, 15 years at home.

The mindset illustrated above is what I find disgusting. For one thing--- career v/s relationship... Is that REALLY a hard decision? The relationship should be given precedence.

But, that isn't the disgusting part. What's disgusting is that it's all about the WOMAN, what the WOMAN wants, not about what's best for the CHILD. If people bring children into this world, they need to grow up and put the needs of the helpless over their own needs/wants.

[krisy]

The mindset illustrated above is what I find disgusting. For one thing--- career v/s relationship... Is that REALLY a hard decision? The relationship should be given precedence.

But, that isn't the disgusting part. What's disgusting is that it's all about the WOMAN, what the WOMAN wants, not about what's best for the CHILD. If people bring children into this world, they need to grow up and put the needs of the helpless over their own needs/wants.


I totally agree,nienna. I wonder if this woman even thinks about the consequneces to the children.

[Nienna]

I totally agree,nienna. I wonder if this woman even thinks about the consequneces to the children.

I know that not all women are lucky enough to have a choice about working or not. And I think it's great if a woman keeps her skills updated for when she reenters the work force, while still staying at home with the kids. Or working part-time. Whatever the involvement in work, the KIDS' needs should be considered FIRST.

Also, what the heck??? Why SHOULDN'T a woman and young children be financially dependent on a man? People gripe about deadbeat dads, and how men are just sperm donors, but I think many times, the message sent to men is "we don't need you." I DO need my husband. If anything happened to him, I would go to work, I would try to do my best by my kids, but there is something my husband can give to my kids that I CAN'T. He is their FATHER, and no matter what, I can't be that for them. Also, I need my husband. I need his love and help and support. I would NEVER want to do this job alone, or push him off to the side of the picture.

[avatar4321]

I know that not all women are lucky enough to have a choice about working or not. And I think it's great if a woman keeps her skills updated for when she reenters the work force, while still staying at home with the kids. Or working part-time. Whatever the involvement in work, the KIDS' needs should be considered FIRST.

Also, what the heck??? Why SHOULDN'T a woman and young children be financially dependent on a man? People gripe about deadbeat dads, and how men are just sperm donors, but I think many times, the message sent to men is "we don't need you." I DO need my husband. If anything happened to him, I would go to work, I would try to do my best by my kids, but there is something my husband can give to my kids that I CAN'T. He is their FATHER, and no matter what, I can't be that for them. Also, I need my husband. I need his love and help and support. I would NEVER want to do this job alone, or push him off to the side of the picture.

Neither is the man without the woman, nor the woman without the man.

The idea that men and women can somehow exist independently is a myth. We need each other plain and simple. It's that myth that we shouldnt that is leading to the destruction of society.

[lily]

"Something is very wrong with the way American women are trying to live their lives," the late Betty Friedan wrote in "The Feminine Mystique," her groundbreaking 1963 book attacking the idea that a husband and children were all a woman needed for fulfillment.

I love how this woman sits on her ponificating ass, collecting revenues from her book, which more than likely she got to do from the comfort of her own home, telling women who have no choice in this society where two paychecks are a must, that they should ignore everything and stay home like she gets to.

[LiberalNation]

She's saying they should work, have careers, not stay at home.

[Birdzeye]

She's saying they should work, have careers, not stay at home.

I disagree with her, as much as I'd disagree with anybody who says women should stay at home. Like I said before, it's up to each family to decide what's best for them.

BTW. there's nothing wrong with stay at home dads either. One of my cousins is one. He and his wife (who is a doctor) made that decision by mutual agreement.

Staying at home is hard work. I remember how hard my mom worked to take care of six rambunctious kids, including one handicapped kid. The sad part was that we kids took her for granted and Dad didn't appreciate how hard she worked - until she got a job to help pay Catholic school tuition and Dad had to pitch in at home.

[lily]

She's saying they should work, have careers, not stay at home.

Well.....that'll teach me to read the first paragph, get pissed off and then reply!:cheers2:

[KitchenKitten99]

I kinda agree. Of course it's each individuals own personal choice but if woman don't continue to make strides in the workplace it will cause problems for later generations of woman who want to.


So how is my decision to stay home and raise two beautiful boys, guiding them to be productive members of society before I embark on my career of choice somehow hindering other women? How is raising my own children instead of someone else doing it, not making strides? Honestly, all I have wanted since graduating high school is to be a full time stay at home mom. Why does someone else with a degree feel the need to dictate what my personal level of success is based on my personal choices? My personal level of success will be seeing my boys grow up, get married and have children of their own, and just be happy. Anything else I do will just be a hobby.

And how is raising two boys full time (plus a few others as a daycare provider) NOT work? You try handling 5 children, all under 5, including two infants under a year, and not call that work. Come to think of it, teachers do similar tasks, and they are commended for it. Us SAHM's are ridiculed and made fun of or scoffed at, just because we do it for love, not money. Truly sad.

[Kathianne]

If you strip away the agendas from both sides, and all the emotion, this is the most important point. And I agree with it. In fact, my husband and I had this very discussion at breakfast yesterday.

Abbey, I agree, if it's all about the woman, not the children, (within reason. An uneducated mother left to fend for the family because of circumstances, is not a good place for children).

Today over Easter dinner, my SIL and I were talking about some 'in common' friends and our own experiences and our now mostly grown children. We both had at least one child that was 'in trouble' from a young age. Mine was 3, her's were 6 & 8. Mine was probably a mixture of predisposition and abuse. Her kid's problems were caused by sexual molestation by her brother, the kids' uncle.

In both cases, therapy was started early and advice taken to heart and implemented. In both cases, it took consistency, something that cannot be promised by outsiders.

As I said, we started out discussing how some of our friends' kids were doing, in their late teens and early 20's. In the situations we were discussing, the moms were at work, the kids in trouble. They blamed the schools, caretakers, fathers, situations.

All these years later, looking at the kids:

My nephew graduated magna cum laude in law enforcement. Decided after getting a position, police work wasn't for him. Now has just accepted a 70k position for a company regarding identity theft.

My niece is completing her 1st year of law school, has landed a position with a Federal Judge for the summer.

My son is finishing up BA, currently doing a Disney internship in law enforcement. I just learned during the conversation my brother had on phone with my son, he's applying to law school. Seems he thinks he may want to teach, rather than be a policeman.

Some of our friends' kids are not fairing as well. When these kids were preschoolers/grammar age, the parents not only had day care or nannies, they also got care over weekends, so they could run errands and go out. They took vacations as 'couple' or 'alone', leaving their kids in the care of caretakers. One of the kids is hospitalized, seems he tried to reason with his parents with a crow bar. Another is happy working at a minimum wage position, simply because school is 'too much work' and they are happy living at home, at 24. Their siblings are doing much better.

Now I have lots of friends whose kids are thriving, while the parents worked. But will say, those parents did come home on time, use weekends and vacations to be with kids.

[LiberalNation]

So how is my decision to stay home and raise two beautiful boys, guiding them to be productive members of society before I embark on my career of choice somehow hindering other women? How is raising my own children instead of someone else doing it, not making strides? Honestly, all I have wanted since graduating high school is to be a full time stay at home mom. Why does someone else with a degree feel the need to dictate what my personal level of success is based on my personal choices? My personal level of success will be seeing my boys grow up, get married and have children of their own, and just be happy. Anything else I do will just be a hobby.

When empolyers higher and train women for high positions in the company then she ups and quits to raise her kids it hurts all woman. Do you think a man is ever going to pick another woman to groom for such a position again. No, they got screwed. Same all around, it becomes a trend, a trend companies don't want to risk.

[avatar4321]

So how is my decision to stay home and raise two beautiful boys, guiding them to be productive members of society before I embark on my career of choice somehow hindering other women? How is raising my own children instead of someone else doing it, not making strides? Honestly, all I have wanted since graduating high school is to be a full time stay at home mom. Why does someone else with a degree feel the need to dictate what my personal level of success is based on my personal choices? My personal level of success will be seeing my boys grow up, get married and have children of their own, and just be happy. Anything else I do will just be a hobby.

And how is raising two boys full time (plus a few others as a daycare provider) NOT work? You try handling 5 children, all under 5, including two infants under a year, and not call that work. Come to think of it, teachers do similar tasks, and they are commended for it. Us SAHM's are ridiculed and made fun of or scoffed at, just because we do it for love, not money. Truly sad.

It's because they are unhappy with their situation and see stay at home mothers who are happy and want them to be just as miserable as they are.

[avatar4321]

When empolyers higher and train women for high positions in the company then she ups and quits to raise her kids it hurts all woman. Do you think a man is ever going to pick another woman to groom for such a position again. No, they got screwed. Same all around, it becomes a trend, a trend companies don't want to risk.

Yes, because your career is soooo much more important than your children...

[Nienna]

When empolyers higher and train women for high positions in the company then she ups and quits to raise her kids it hurts all woman. Do you think a man is ever going to pick another woman to groom for such a position again. No, they got screwed. Same all around, it becomes a trend, a trend companies don't want to risk.

So, then, do you think women should choose to give up caring for their own children because other, unrelated women MIGHT have a harder time getting hired? In many arguments, I have seen you holding the attitude "It's a personal choice." On this issue, however, you seem to think that it should NOT be a personal choice.

If I had to pick a cause to champion, I would pick raising children to be productive, contributing members of society over neglecting children so unrelated women MIGHT have a better chance at pursuing a career. As for trends, a woman can always turn to the courts if she feels she was the victim of discrimination.

It seems to me, if a woman has made it so far up the corporate ladder, she will have either 1) raised her kids, or 2) made her choice about the priority of her career. I think that women in HIGH positions would be less likely to quit to raise a family than women in lower positions.

[glockmail]

The mindset illustrated above is what I find disgusting. For one thing--- career v/s relationship... Is that REALLY a hard decision? The relationship should be given precedence.

But, that isn't the disgusting part. What's disgusting is that it's all about the WOMAN, what the WOMAN wants, not about what's best for the CHILD. If people bring children into this world, they need to grow up and put the needs of the helpless over their own needs/wants. Absolutely. When you have kids, your priorities need to change to put them on top, always.

[KitchenKitten99]

When empolyers higher and train women for high positions in the company then she ups and quits to raise her kids it hurts all woman. Do you think a man is ever going to pick another woman to groom for such a position again. No, they got screwed. Same all around, it becomes a trend, a trend companies don't want to risk.

how would that be any different for a dad who decides to stay at home? There are those types you know.

So I suppose you feel a career is more important than a child's needs? Hopefully you'll grow up before you have kids.

I regret that I had to work for the first 3 years of my oldest's life. I missed a lot that I am so lucky to watch my youngest do now. I have the luck of being able to video record most my youngests true firsts-rolling over, sitting up, crawling, and now pulling himself up and trying to stand on his own. The only part I don't regret about working through my oldest's first 3 years is that job was at a mortgage company and since I worked there, I had nice discounts and advantages for buying our house that we have now.

My only goal is to ensure my boys are well-adjusted, happy adults. My career IS my children's lives.

[avatar4321]

Absolutely. When you have kids, your priorities need to change to put them on top, always.

That is the problem. People don't change their priorities. Its all about one self.

Of course, it's much easier having the right priorities to begin with, then you dont have to change them.

[glockmail]

That is the problem. People don't change their priorities. Its all about one self.

Of course, it's much easier having the right priorities to begin with, then you dont have to change them. I have to admit that it took me a good 6 weeks to figger the right priorities after my first was born. Before then I was too self-absorbed.

[Birdzeye]

So, then, do you think women should choose to give up caring for their own children because other, unrelated women MIGHT have a harder time getting hired? In many arguments, I have seen you holding the attitude "It's a personal choice." On this issue, however, you seem to think that it should NOT be a personal choice.

If I had to pick a cause to champion, I would pick raising children to be productive, contributing members of society over neglecting children so unrelated women MIGHT have a better chance at pursuing a career. As for trends, a woman can always turn to the courts if she feels she was the victim of discrimination.

It seems to me, if a woman has made it so far up the corporate ladder, she will have either 1) raised her kids, or 2) made her choice about the priority of her career. I think that women in HIGH positions would be less likely to quit to raise a family than women in lower positions.


To your question, MY answer is, absolutely not!!! You decide what's best for your family (that includes you), and, whether you decide to stay home with the kids or get a job, I'm going to respect your decision!

Over the years, I've seen good stay at home moms, lousy and neglectful stay at home moms, "career" women who were also good moms, and "career" women who were lousy moms.

My mom was a good stay at home mom, even if she was a bit short on patience (with six kids, no wonder!). I think she may have been happier if she had had a part time, PAYING job outside, because she felt genuinely unappreciated, both by Dad and by a society that took her efforts for granted. Not to mention a bunch of kids who also took her for granted, like kids probably do.

[Trigg]

I agree with so much of what Nienna and Fuzzy have said.

A woman, after she has kids, needs to take into consideration only HERSELF and HER family when deciding whether to stay home or work.

My kids growing up to be good people means more to me than a new car or great vacation, and I'm certainly not going to base my decision on other women in the workforce.

[Nienna]

To your question, MY answer is, absolutely not!!! You decide what's best for your family (that includes you), and, whether you decide to stay home with the kids or get a job, I'm going to respect your decision!

Over the years, I've seen good stay at home moms, lousy and neglectful stay at home moms, "career" women who were also good moms, and "career" women who were lousy moms.

My mom was a good stay at home mom, even if she was a bit short on patience (with six kids, no wonder!). I think she may have been happier if she had had a part time, PAYING job outside, because she felt genuinely unappreciated, both by Dad and by a society that took her efforts for granted. Not to mention a bunch of kids who also took her for granted, like kids probably do.

Agreed. I'm not saying a woman CAN'T be a good mother if she is in the workforce. And, I know some SAHMs who have been neglectful. Having been a SAHM for almost 10 years, I know what it feels like to feel undervalued and depressed, and a job can sometimes help with that. However, the main consideration should always be what's best for the kids. If a woman chooses to HAVE kids, then she has to understand that she has waived some of her "rights," including her "right" to feel good. Not saying she should become a mindless slave. Women should make sure they take care of their needs, but so many people use the excuse of being "unfulfilled" to get away from their kids.

[KitchenKitten99]

This is too ironic. I just got this in an email from my grandma... go figure!

Being a mother...
>
> Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to
> normal after you've had a baby ....
> Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother,
> "normal" is history.
>
> Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct...
> Somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
>
> Somebody said being a mother is boring...
> Somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager
> with a learner's permit.
>
> Somebody said if you're a "good" mother,
> your child will turn out good"....
> Somebody thinks a child comes with directions
> and a guarantee.
>
> Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices .
> Somebody never came out the back door just in time
> to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.
>
> Somebody said you don't need an education to be
> a mother....
> Somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.
>
> Somebody said you can't love the second child as much
> as you love the first...
> Somebody does not have two children...or more.
>
> Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to
> her child-rearing questions in the books....
> Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his
> nose or in his ears.
>
> Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is
> labor and delivery...
> Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus
> for the first day of kindergarten...
> or on a plane headed for military "boot camp."
> Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes
> closed and one hand tied behind her back...
> Somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies
> to sell cookies.
>
> Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after
> her child gets married....
> Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son
> or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.
>
> Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child
> leaves home....
> Somebody never had grandchildren.
>
> Somebody said your mother knows you love her,
> so you don't need to tell her...
> Somebody must not have a mother .
>
> Pass this along to all the "mothers" in your life, and to all
> the sons and daughters. This isn't just about being a mother, it's
> about appreciating the people in your life,
> while you have them....no matter who that person is.