Can I strangle him!??!

[Trinity]

This past weekend was my ex's weekend to have the boy's. I met up with him on Friday, when I delivered them to him they were clean and in nice looking clothes. I told him I wanted to get them back on Sunday around 2pm, so I could take them shopping at Kohl's for some new clothes. They were both in need. He said ok.

I meet up with him on Sunday and William was in the same shorts he wore over, there but the shirt he had on was different and filthy. Jesse was in some basketball shorts and shirt that weren't much cleaner looking and I had never seen before. Both boy's shoes were soaked. I took one look at them and said we are going shopping where are your clothes you wore to your dad's? They were dirty. Their father knew I was taking them shopping. I even mentioned it to him again, before he left his house to meet up with me. He has a washer and dryer at his house, how hard is it to do a load of laundry?

Both boy's stated they did not want to go shopping because there shoes were wet and Jesse flat out refused to get out of the truck in the clothes he had on. He stated they were garbage clothes and he was not getting out of the truck. I took them shopping anyway because they were both in need of clothes, and Kohl's was having a really good sale! William went in with me, but I had to pick stuff out for Jesse because he would not go in.

Part 2.

My ex when I had talked to him on the phone, about the time to meet up, had mentioned William had stubbed his toe but he didn't think it was broke just jammed and wasn't a big deal. He said he'll be ok. When William got into the truck I asked to see his toe, not only is it swollen, and he can hardly walk on his foot, it is turning purple and blue. Guess who is taking him to the DR., not his father.

Part 3.

On top of the clothes issue and the toe issue, William who broke his front tooth off when he was 8 got in the truck and said look mom, he smiled, and they tooth they had rebuilt was broke off again for the third time in two years. So now I have to find a dentist today to fix this tooth because he does not want to go to school like that. Can't say that I blame him.


UUURRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

[glockmail]

It sounds like your ex never grew up and you're the mommy to all three of them.

[Trinity]

It sounds like your ex never grew up and you're the mommy to all three of them.

Your right he never did grow up. But I would think his girlfriend who has 3 children living there, would have a little more sense.

[Trinity]

So I ended up taking my son to the ER since I would have been sent there by his Dr. anyway. It's not broke, but the Dr. is recommending him to see an orthopedic Dr. because he thinks his tendon may be damaged. If it is damaged he will most likely need surgery. Great! Especially since he is supposed to be getting oral surgery done to remove a cyst, here in the next month or so.

So today I spent my day at the ER, tomorrow I will spend the day at the oral surgeons office for the surgery consult, Thursday will be spent at the Dentist office fixing the tooth that got knocked off again! And I still have to schedule the Orthopedic appointment. Hmmm I wonder if I can bill my ex for all the time I have had to spend at the DR?

[avatar4321]

To answer the question, you can strangle him. Im sure you do have hands to do so.

However, I dont think it would be advantageous to you or your children. You would face murder charges. You would likely have your children taken from you while you are in jail. They wouldnt have either parent any more. My legal advice would be to avoid strangling.

Hope to have been some help.:thumb:

[glockmail]

Sure you can bill him. Getting the bill paid is another matter.

[Mr. P]

Can I strangle him!??!

Perhaps supervised visitation is in order...Just add the court cost to all the other upcoming bills. :laugh2::laugh2::laugh2:

[Kathianne]

Trinity, I had way more serious problems with what my ex did with my kids way back when, although I also encountered the problems you have. I took him back to court and for the more serious issues he lost visitation for over 3 years-1 year, depending on the child and their problems with him. When he regained visitation with the first one, they were supervised. During that first year he had to complete over 200 hours of parenting courses and meet with a psychiatrist 2 times a week. The first 3 months of visits were supervised by a social worker.

As far as laundry issues, told him that all clothes had to be returned clean. I sent them with clean clothes, expected the same back. If they came to me as you described, would have said, "Go inside and change, we're going shopping and this is not acceptable." I would have washed those clothes, another thing I learned, never leave anything we wanted back.

If worth it, I'd call my attorney and get the ex to pay for any lost wages and doctor bills, (i.e. The attorney's fees less than the cost collected.)

I guess the real issue though, do the kids enjoy being with their dad? If so, you gotta swallow, hard. Our real problem came with 2 out of 3 didn't want to see him and fought about it. There were spill over problems at school and home.

[Little-Acorn]

Welcome to Divorce.

BTDT, got the lawyer bills (all of them), and a son who lived with me for 10 years without a mother. Stepmother tried hard, but it just isn't the same, and my son had issues too.

You've probably heard all the "Change your relationship from a personal one to a business one" stuff. Would it help to call the Ex, and politely point out that kids and clothes are in good shape when he gets them, could he please make sure they are in same shape when he gives them back? Then on the morning you are to get kids back, call him several hours before meeting, and ask if clothes are washed and appropriate bandages applied?

Might help, at least couldn't hurt. Must be done weekly. If he KNOWS you are going to ask, maybe he will make an effort to get it together. Maybe. And if that doesn't work, maybe ask the GF instead... if you can do that without committing multiple felonies upon her person.

And in case you are wondering, No, you are NEVER clear of the things that made you decide to split up. Not until kids are off on their own, at least. And sometimes not then either. Get used to it, and Prepare.

P.S. Don't cut off visitation if you can possibly avoid it. It's all the kids have. You divorced the ex, but they didn't, and maybe didn't want to.

[Kathianne]

Welcome to Divorce.

BTDT, got the lawyer bills (all of them), and a son who lived with me for 10 years without a mother. Stepmother tried hard, but it just isn't the same, and my son had issues too.

You've probably heard all the "Change your relationship from a personal one to a business one" stuff. Would it help to call the Ex, and politely point out that kids and clothes are in good shape when he gets them, could he please make sure they are in same shape when he gives them back? Then on the morning you are to get kids back, call him several hours before meeting, and ask if clothes are washed and appropriate bandages applied?

Might help, at least couldn't hurt. Must be done weekly. If he KNOWS you are going to ask, maybe he will make an effort to get it together. Maybe. And if that doesn't work, maybe ask the GF instead... if you can do that without committing multiple felonies upon her person.

And in case you are wondering, No, you are NEVER clear of the things that made you decide to split up. Not until kids are off on their own, at least. And sometimes not then either. Get used to it, and Prepare.

Good advice. The legal bills with mine were in excess of $30k, but that was because he fought the divorce and then child problems followed. All told? Over 8 years in court, off and on. The divorce took 4.

Want to talk whack job? I suppose it's to be expected that one keeps trying to 'reconcile' during a divorce, even if that person was cheating. However, when remarried and have had a vasectomy reversed, a baby and wife pregnant again through in vitro? Not to mention being in court during the whole time? :eek: Yeah, I picked well! :laugh2:

[Trinity]

To answer the question, you can strangle him. Im sure you do have hands to do so.

However, I dont think it would be advantageous to you or your children. You would face murder charges. You would likely have your children taken from you while you are in jail. They wouldnt have either parent any more. My legal advice would be to avoid strangling.

Hope to have been some help.:thumb:

:laugh2: Damn it......... the voice of law and reason!!! :laugh2:

[Trinity]

Sure you can bill him. Getting the bill paid is another matter.

Well I could always slap a lean on the house, considering he now owns it free and clear.

[Trinity]

Trinity, I had way more serious problems with what my ex did with my kids way back when, although I also encountered the problems you have. I took him back to court and for the more serious issues he lost visitation for over 3 years-1 year, depending on the child and their problems with him. When he regained visitation with the first one, they were supervised. During that first year he had to complete over 200 hours of parenting courses and meet with a psychiatrist 2 times a week. The first 3 months of visits were supervised by a social worker.

As far as laundry issues, told him that all clothes had to be returned clean. I sent them with clean clothes, expected the same back. If they came to me as you described, would have said, "Go inside and change, we're going shopping and this is not acceptable." I would have washed those clothes, another thing I learned, never leave anything we wanted back.

If worth it, I'd call my attorney and get the ex to pay for any lost wages and doctor bills, (i.e. The attorney's fees less than the cost collected.)

I guess the real issue though, do the kids enjoy being with their dad? If so, you gotta swallow, hard. Our real problem came with 2 out of 3 didn't want to see him and fought about it. There were spill over problems at school and home.

As for the laundry issue, we had started meeting at a half way point between our houses, or believe me that would have been the first thing out of my mouth, go change!


Do the kids enjoy being with their dad? Well, Jesse my youngest has been there once since January, he tells me when it's his dad's weekend he does not want to go. This past weekend I actually had to force him to go so I did not look like I was trying to keep him from his dad.

As for William he only wants to go over to hang out with his dad's girlfriends kids who are 18 and 16 now, so he can play X box with them.

I found out at after we left the ER today that the whole incident with my son's toe happened Saturday evening.

I asked where was your dad at when it happened? He told me he was playing poker at somebody's house.

I asked what time did the injury happen? he said around 6pm.

I asked where was you dad's girlfriend? His response, with my dad.

I then asked so who was at the house when this happened? His girlfriends 16 year old son, her 12 year old daughter, my almost 13 year old son, and my 10 year old son.

I asked him if he told his dad about it when his dad got home? He said he was asleep when his dad got home.

I asked what time did you go to sleep? He said about 1am

So I guess in answer to your question on, do the boy's enjoy being with their dad? From what they have told me when they are over there he is either not there, or is to wrapped up in his computer games to pay any attention to them.

I have told him why don't you go do something with your children when you have them on your weekends like movies or skating or something. His response, I did, I took them skating. However what he failed to mention to me, but the boy's told me was he took them to the skating rink and dropped them off to go skating while him and his girlfriend went out to Red lobster for dinner.

[Kathianne]

As for the laundry issue, we had started meeting at a half way point between our houses, or believe me that would have been the first thing out of my mouth, go change!


Do the kids enjoy being with their dad? Well, Jesse my youngest has been there once since January, he tells me when it's his dad's weekend he does not want to go. This past weekend I actually had to force him to go so I did not look like I was trying to keep him from his dad.

As for William he only wants to go over to hang out with his dad's girlfriends kids who are 18 and 16 now, so he can play X box with them.

I found out at after we left the ER today that the whole incident with my son's toe happened Saturday evening.

I asked where was your dad at when it happened? He told me he was playing poker at somebody's house.

I asked what time did the injury happen? he said around 6pm.

I asked where was you dad's girlfriend? His response, with my dad.

I then asked so who was at the house when this happened? His girlfriends 16 year old son, her 12 year old daughter, my almost 13 year old son, and my 10 year old son.

I asked him if he told his dad about it when his dad got home? He said he was asleep when his dad got home.

I asked what time did you go to sleep? He said about 1am

So I guess in answer to your question on, do the boy's enjoy being with their dad? From what they have told me when they are over there he is either not there, or is to wrapped up in his computer games to pay any attention to them.

I have told him why don't you go do something with your children when you have them on your weekends like movies or skating or something. His response, I did, I took them skating. However what he failed to mention to me, but the boy's told me was he took them to the skating rink and dropped them off to go skating while him and his girlfriend went out to Red lobster for dinner.

It hurts, you and the kids. So, do you dig in and fight to keep them home? I had to, I don't want to go on and on, btdt before, but suffice it to say it was worse than less than ideal, the boys were diagnosed with sexual precocity because of their exposure to bad behavior. I had no choice. All three of my kids are more sexually 'free' than I'm comfortable with. At their ages, not my choice and did what I could to keep them safe.

Got to make choices. If my ex had been immature, bad dad, worse husband, I'd have plenty of justified reasons to complain, so would the kids. On the other hand, I do remember for real reasons, my kids were 'always there' with no breaks for myself. Oh there was a price for that, one a good parent would pay, but as said, at a price. I don't know how to advise, you need to evaluate the risks, benefits to you and your kids.

I can only say that as in my interview with Emmett, I seriously wish that there had been a stable male figure. Funny thing, seems boys are pretty flexible in evaluating their dads.

Part of me wants to say, 'fight to make the dad act as he should.' Truth is, no court, no amount of calls or face-to-fact will change him. You have to figure out if the visits are worth it, over a myriad of benefits and costs.

[Trinity]

Welcome to Divorce.

BTDT, got the lawyer bills (all of them), and a son who lived with me for 10 years without a mother. Stepmother tried hard, but it just isn't the same, and my son had issues too.

You've probably heard all the "Change your relationship from a personal one to a business one" stuff. Would it help to call the Ex, and politely point out that kids and clothes are in good shape when he gets them, could he please make sure they are in same shape when he gives them back? Then on the morning you are to get kids back, call him several hours before meeting, and ask if clothes are washed and appropriate bandages applied?

Might help, at least couldn't hurt. Must be done weekly. If he KNOWS you are going to ask, maybe he will make an effort to get it together. Maybe. And if that doesn't work, maybe ask the GF instead... if you can do that without committing multiple felonies upon her person.

And in case you are wondering, No, you are NEVER clear of the things that made you decide to split up. Not until kids are off on their own, at least. And sometimes not then either. Get used to it, and Prepare.

P.S. Don't cut off visitation if you can possibly avoid it. It's all the kids have. You divorced the ex, but they didn't, and maybe didn't want to.

Unfortunately in his case, and I am sure many on here can vouch for the things I posted about that relationship on the US Message board when I was on there. He was both verbally and psychically abusive to me. He is beyond help, sure I could call him up and tell him exactly what I expect before getting the kids, but he would not follow through.

Well let's put it this way before the divorce was final we both had to take a parenting class. They made it a point about not talking bad about the other parent in front of the child or discussing the other parent with the child. I think I have done quite well in keeping my opinions to myself and not expressing them to the kids because it is their father. However my ex has me listed in his cell phone as bitch. My oldest told me this a few years ago. I blew it off. He then told me about a month ago when he used his dad's cell phone to call me, that after he typed in the number it came up bitch. We are talking about a 42 year old man here not a 20 year old.

Funny thing is, he called my house a couple of months ago about giving me child support.

First let me clarify that before we got divorced we filed chapter 13. When we got divorced we made the arrangement that he paid me X amount of dollars in child support and he made the bankruptcy payments. But the agreement was that once the bankruptcy was done the child support would be raised. The bankruptcy ended in Feb. I called him up and told him I was going to file with child support to have it raised he was like well how about if I give you x amount of dollars and we not go through the system? I was ok with that knowing that sometimes it is 2 weeks later then when he gets paid before i get the child support, and he was always very good about giving me child support, before the divorce was final. I also knew based on the formula they use to calculate child support what I would receive if I went back to court. What he was offering was close to what i would have been given anyway so instead of going back to court i accepted and he has paid what we agreed to as we agreed. Anyway back to him calling me, He left a message for me to call him about meeting up with him to get the child support he owed me. However after leaving that message he failed to hang up his phone so I got to listen in on him telling someone he was talking to, about how I am a bitch and everyone thinks he is stupid because he is giving me money instead of going through child support.

Hmmm well according to the calculations that I just did since I am not currently working, if I really wanted to be a bitch like he claims I am. I would be getting an additional $278.00 on top of $500.00 I am already getting. Hmmmmm

[Trinity]

It hurts, you and the kids. So, do you dig in and fight to keep them home? I had to, I don't want to go on and on, btdt before, but suffice it to say it was worse than less than ideal, the boys were diagnosed with sexual precocity because of their exposure to bad behavior. I had no choice. All three of my kids are more sexually 'free' than I'm comfortable with. At their ages, not my choice and did what I could to keep them safe.

Got to make choices. If my ex had been immature, bad dad, worse husband, I'd have plenty of justified reasons to complain, so would the kids. On the other hand, I do remember for real reasons, my kids were 'always there' with no breaks for myself. Oh there was a price for that, one a good parent would pay, but as said, at a price. I don't know how to advise, you need to evaluate the risks, benefits to you and your kids.

I can only say that as in my interview with Emmett, I seriously wish that there had been a stable male figure. Funny thing, seems boys are pretty flexible in evaluating their dads.

Part of me wants to say, 'fight to make the dad act as he should.' Truth is, no court, no amount of calls or face-to-fact will change him. You have to figure out if the visits are worth it, over a myriad of benefits and costs.

Well thankfully I have remarried a wonderful man who loves my boy's like they were his own, he is a good decent guy, and has their best interests at heart. He loves them dearly and I have found my oldest comparing his father to my current husband, and him making comments to the effect of my dad is an idiot, and he doesn't have any common sense at all.:eek:

My current husband is a wonderful role model for my boy's thank god!! Everything that I should have been looking for in a man many, many years ago!!!!!

[Kathianne]

Unfortunately in his case, and I am sure many on here can vouch for the things I posted about that relationship on the US Message board when I was on there. He was both verbally and psychically abusive to me. He is beyond help, sure I could call him up and tell him exactly what I expect before getting the kids, but he would not follow through.

Well let's put it this way before the divorce was final we both had to take a parenting class. They made it a point about not talking bad about the other parent in front of the child or discussing the other parent with the child. I think I have done quite well in keeping my opinions to myself and not expressing them to the kids because it is their father. However my ex has me listed in his cell phone as bitch. My oldest told me this a few years ago. I blew it off. He then told me about a month ago when he used his dad's cell phone to call me, that after he typed in the number it came up bitch. We are talking about a 42 year old man here not a 20 year old.

Funny thing is, he called my house a couple of months ago about giving me child support.

First let me clarify that before we got divorced we filed chapter 13. When we got divorced we made the arrangement that he paid me X amount of dollars in child support and he made the bankruptcy payments. But the agreement was that once the bankruptcy was done the child support would be raised. The bankruptcy ended in Feb. I called him up and told him I was going to file with child support to have it raised he was like well how about if I give you x amount of dollars and we not go through the system? I was ok with that knowing that sometimes it is 2 weeks later then when he gets paid before i get the child support, and he was always very good about giving me child support, before the divorce was final. I also knew based on the formula they use to calculate child support what I would receive if I went back to court. What he was offering was close to what i would have been given anyway so instead of going back to court i accepted and he has paid what we agreed to as we agreed. Anyway back to him calling me, He left a message for me to call him about meeting up with him to get the child support he owed me. However after leaving that message he failed to hang up his phone so I got to listen in on him telling someone he was talking to, about how I am a bitch and everyone thinks he is stupid because he is giving me money instead of going through child support.

Hmmm well according to the calculations that I just did since I am not currently working, if I really wanted to be a bitch like he claims I am. I would be getting an additional $278.00 on top of $500.00 I am already getting. Hmmmmm
That sucks. Only you can decide if it's worth the fight. On both you and the kids and the crap he'll pull. I have so much sympathy, yet will say if having him involved helps the boys and pulling punches hurts you, but benefits the kids, pull.

He's a jerk, I think I encouraged you way back when. Even then I think I expressed the Catch-22 with this?

Like I said, with a daughter at now 26; middle child, son, 24; and youngest at 22, a son; I seriously wish there had been a male that they could have bonded to in a good way. They have all turned out very successful, but have 'issues.' Considering what happened with their parents and the court system, can't be surprised. If one can keep kids out of legal system, good deal. My 'kids' are very psych/legal savvy. Too much so.

[glockmail]

Well I could always slap a lean on the house, considering he now owns it free and clear.You could try, but who knows if you've got a case. Easier to get you current Hubby to enlist some buddies and go visit your ex.

[Trinity]

So after the wonderful events of yesterday and trying to get all these appointments set up around Williams assessment testing at school. I decided I needed a drink to relax. So I had a drink, but I didn't relax, the more I thought about all the crap he has pulled since the divorce, the madder I got.

So I called my ex and basically chewed him up one end and down the other for everything. At the end of the conversation he tells me yeah your right I shouldn't be leaving them alone for 5 hours they are not mature enough yet. :slap: well duh there are only 10 and 12!

I also told him I do not appreciate the fact that when the kids use your cell phone to call me it comes up bitch. He starts laughing about it and says well you had me listed as A hole before. I said yeah your right, I did for about the first 6 months after we split up. But the kids weren't using my phone, and that was 5 years ago, it is a little on the childish side, so grow up.

I also told him I do not want to find out that he jumped all over the kids the next time they go over, for telling me what goes on over there. And they will tell me if he does!

[Little-Acorn]

I also told him I do not want to find out that he jumped all over the kids the next time they go over, for telling me what goes on over there.
Excellent. Your efforts at keeping your kids out of a mess they neither created nor deserve, is commendable. As I said, BTDT, and there IS no easy way to keep track when your kids are out of your hands.


And they will tell me if he does!

Oops. You're on the verge of making me take back the above compliment.

You know the drill. A casual question, lots of chatter about how much fun this or that must have been, little or no direct probing. The examples you gave earlier, finding out days later that they had been neglected, were very well done. If you find out quickly that lotsa bad stuff is happening, then either you probed too hard or your ex is a serial child molester, which it didn't sound like he is.

Chewing him out over the phone is better than having your kids "report directly", but you already know that. Speaking "nicely and politely" is even better, but some things are beyond human endurance, and at least you avoided the multiple-felonies part. There is no easy way. Maybe now he will straighten up and fly right, or at least a little more so. The weekly reminders I mentioned will still definitely help. If he doesn't like them, tough titty, he earned them. And if he DOES show a pattern (over weeks or months) of doing it right for a change, than a little praise wouldn't be out of order either. But doing it right one time, isn't enough, gotta be a pattern that shows signs of lasting.

Eternal vigilance. Sad but necessary.

[Trinity]

Excellent. Your efforts at keeping your kids out of a mess they neither created nor deserve, is commendable. As I said, BTDT, and there IS no easy way to keep track when your kids are out of your hands.



Oops. You're on the verge of making me take back the above compliment.

You know the drill. A casual question, lots of chatter about how much fun this or that must have been, little or no direct probing. The examples you gave earlier, finding out days later that they had been neglected, were very well done. If you find out quickly that lotsa bad stuff is happening, then either you probed too hard or your ex is a serial child molester, which it didn't sound like he is.

Chewing him out over the phone is better than having your kids "report directly", but you already know that. Speaking "nicely and politely" is even better, but some things are beyond human endurance, and at least you avoided the multiple-felonies part. There is no easy way. Maybe now he will straighten up and fly right, or at least a little more so. The weekly reminders I mentioned will still definitely help. If he doesn't like them, tough titty, he earned them. And if he DOES show a pattern (over weeks or months) of doing it right for a change, than a little praise wouldn't be out of order either. But doing it right one time, isn't enough, gotta be a pattern that shows signs of lasting.

Eternal vigilance. Sad but necessary.

Oh no don't get me wrong, I don't force them or probe them. They usually start talking as soon as they hit the car. Most of the time I don't even have to ask questions. But my kids are like that, they always tell me what things they did, and what happened while they were there. I don't always get all of the details until later, but I get a general idea as soon as I pick them up.