Adultery, Cheating and Affairs

[AlbumAddict]

adultery voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse.

cheat Informal. to be sexually unfaithful (often fol. by on): Her husband knew she had been cheating all along. He cheated on his wife.

affair an intense amorous relationship, usually of short duration. (amorous - being in love; enamored)

I'm just wondering how we came by phrases like "emotional affair" and how "cheating" for some people has nothing to do with sex. An affair seems to be emotional by definition. People say "my boyfriend cheated on me with another woman" but there was no sex involved.

Do you think that we, as a society, have loosened these definitions too much? Is this because we want to more quickly believe the worst in others? Are we trying to ascribe unnecessary guilt after we've been hurt? Or, are the adaptations of these words/phrases just?

Been thinking on the topic lately, don't really have an opinion yet and just thought it'd be an interesting discussion. So please, tell me what you really think!

(Definitions obtained from dictionary.com. Definitions deemed relevant to the topic were selected. Not all definitions have been included. Void where prohibited by law. Taxes and shipping may apply. Consult a doctor if rash develops.)

[5stringJeff]

I think cheating on your spouse encompasses more than just sex. I think that forming a romantic, emotional attachment with someone else is probably the starting point of "cheating." Why? Because that relationship is reserved to your spouse, by your wedding vows. If you fall in love with another person, you're depriving your spouse of your undivided love.

[-Cp]

I think cheating on your spouse encompasses more than just sex. I think that forming a romantic, emotional attachment with someone else is probably the starting point of "cheating." Why? Because that relationship is reserved to your spouse, by your wedding vows. If you fall in love with another person, you're depriving your spouse of your undivided love.

Any idea how the wedding vows ever came into being? i.e. why do we say them, why do we have weddings etc? I realize most, if not all, of it is cultural, but I don't see any real biblical precedence for them..

[AlbumAddict]

I think cheating on your spouse

Is it different if it's not your spouse?


I think cheating on your spouse encompasses more than just sex. I think that forming a romantic, emotional attachment with someone else is probably the starting point of "cheating."

If cheating is more than sex, it's forming a romantic and emotional attachment with someone else, then how can it be the starting point of cheating? It either is cheating or it's the starting point of cheating, otherwise it's circular reasoning.


Why? Because that relationship is reserved to your spouse, by your wedding vows. If you fall in love with another person, you're depriving your spouse of your undivided love.

What if you aren't in love with your spouse (or bf/gf)? Or, what if your spouse isn't in love with you? Then the foundation you're talking about isn't there, so does that make it okay to have an emotional and/or romantic connections with another?

On a personal note, I don't think of my love for my husband as undivided. I think as individuals our love is strongly divided. I love God, I love my husband, I love my daughter, I love myself and I love my friends and other family members. I'm pretty divided. Do I love any of them less because I love the others? No way.

[Trinity]

What if you aren't in love with your spouse (or bf/gf)? Or, what if your spouse isn't in love with you? Then the foundation you're talking about isn't there, so does that make it okay to have an emotional and/or romantic connections with another?


If your not in love with that person, that what exactly are you doing with that person? It's kinda pointless. But then in the situation of spouse, I have to ask, why did you marry that person, if you are now not in love with that person? (Hypothetical question not an attack.)

[-Cp]

If your not in love with that person, that what exactly are you doing with that person? It's kinda pointless. But then in the situation of spouse, I have to ask, why did you marry that person, if you are now not in love with that person? (Hypothetical question not an attack.)

I think that the majority of couples who simply "live together" don't do it out of true love, however, they do it in order to more easily have sex..

[emmett]

I'm single and have absolutely NO opinion on this matter!

[AlbumAddict]

First let me say, that this post/thread was just a discussion topic, so I do not feel attacked. I just like to think issues through and debate/discussion with others is a way to come to informed decisions. I don't believe anything blindly.


If your not in love with that person, that what exactly are you doing with that person? It's kinda pointless. But then in the situation of spouse, I have to ask, why did you marry that person, if you are now not in love with that person? (Hypothetical question not an attack.)

I personally believe that "in love" has nothing to do with long-term and lasting relationships. "In love" is emotionally based and emotions change based on your sleep levels, what you're eating, etc... Some people also feel very strongly against divorce, so what they feel about the other person isn't necessarily a contributing factor. The "point" is that you've made a lifelong and lasting commitment to that individual.

I have also heard it said by pastors, counselors, etc. that you shouldn't depend on one person to meet all of your needs. This makes sense to me since no human could possible live up to that expectation so you'd be dealing with constant disappointment in this person you're supposed to love so much.

Having said that, why shouldn't you have other people in your life to meet the needs your spouse/bf/gf doesn't?

[PostmodernProphet]

I'm just wondering how we came by phrases like "emotional affair" and how "cheating" for some people has nothing to do with sex. An affair seems to be emotional by definition. People say "my boyfriend cheated on me with another woman" but there was no sex involved.


Having been involved in neither, I can still deduct that I would feel worse about my wife developing a long standing relationship of trust and sharing with another man in preference to me than if she went out and had a one night stand with someone that she never saw again.....both are violations of the marriage vows but the first would be more threatening......

[Abbey Marie]

If you would be ashamed or afraid to tell your spouse about it, there's a good chance it is a form of being unfaithful. "Cheating", if you will.

[5stringJeff]

Any idea how the wedding vows ever came into being? i.e. why do we say them, why do we have weddings etc? I realize most, if not all, of it is cultural, but I don't see any real biblical precedence for them..

I think the biblical precedence for weddings is found in Genesis 2:24: "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh." The ceremony built around it is to signify the new family created by that marriage. As far as the wedding vows, though, I have no idea.

[Mr. P]

It's well established that most Conservative males cheat on their wives by consuming porn.

It's documented that yer an IDIOT.

[5stringJeff]

Is it different if it's not your spouse?

I don't know that the definition of cheating necessarily changes, although if it's not your spouse, it certainly makes the relationship easier to get out of.


If cheating is more than sex, it's forming a romantic and emotional attachment with someone else, then how can it be the starting point of cheating? It either is cheating or it's the starting point of cheating, otherwise it's circular reasoning.

What I mean is that the romantic attachment that is usually formed prior to physical romance is cheating. You are emotionally giving your affection to someone besides the one you have vowed to give it to.


What if you aren't in love with your spouse (or bf/gf)? Or, what if your spouse isn't in love with you? Then the foundation you're talking about isn't there, so does that make it okay to have an emotional and/or romantic connections with another?

There's a difference between feeling in love with someone and loving them. I don't always "feel" in love with my wife, and I'm sure she doesn't always feel in love with me. But we still love each other. Regardless, just because I don't feel in love with my spouse doesn't mean I should go attempt to find those feelings elsewhere; it means I should redouble my efforts to find those feelings with my spouse.


On a personal note, I don't think of my love for my husband as undivided. I think as individuals our love is strongly divided. I love God, I love my husband, I love my daughter, I love myself and I love my friends and other family members. I'm pretty divided. Do I love any of them less because I love the others? No way.

I may not have spoken clearly here. Certainly, you can love many different people with many different types of love. But the love that is reserved for a spouse is not to be shared with anyone else.

[5stringJeff]

It's well established that most Conservative males cheat on their wives by consuming porn.

Did you learn that at the Q Course?

[Trinity]

First let me say, that this post/thread was just a discussion topic, so I do not feel attacked. I just like to think issues through and debate/discussion with others is a way to come to informed decisions. I don't believe anything blindly.



I personally believe that "in love" has nothing to do with long-term and lasting relationships. "In love" is emotionally based and emotions change based on your sleep levels, what you're eating, etc... Some people also feel very strongly against divorce, so what they feel about the other person isn't necessarily a contributing factor. The "point" is that you've made a lifelong and lasting commitment to that individual.

I have also heard it said by pastors, counselors, etc. that you shouldn't depend on one person to meet all of your needs. This makes sense to me since no human could possible live up to that expectation so you'd be dealing with constant disappointment in this person you're supposed to love so much.

Having said that, why shouldn't you have other people in your life to meet the needs your spouse/bf/gf doesn't?

That makes sense....although I see one small problem.

Say I am upset about something and discuss it with my husband, and he just doesn't get it, like say another women would. so I call my girlfriend up and she gives me what my spouse can not. That I can relate to......................... or even this scenario I am stressing about this computer program I am trying to write, however my husband is completely baffled by just the word computer program, so I call the guy I work with who understands this stuff and I get what I need.

Here is the one small problem I see........Some people whether men or women, would take this theory and say, well my spouse is not giving me what I want or need in the bedroom or emotionally so I am going to seek it elsewhere with the opposite sex. That I think is crossing the line, if you in fact think that way about your spouse there are probably some under lying issues that need to be addressed. Whether it is an individual issue or the both parties is to be determined.

I have to say from personal experience of the scenario above, I was there for 15 years and thinking back (hindsight is always 20/20, I love megadeath!) My ex husband was never there for me emotionally. I got what I needed from my girlfriends, However I also realized that, 5 years into the relationship and married the jerk anyway. Like I said gotta love megadeath! Young ,dumb, and stupid. I will also say however as much as I hated that man, I never once cheated on him. Not saying the thought never crossed my mind I just never acted on it. I did regardless of the hatred I had, still took my vows to heart. Till I filed for divorce, then it was a whole other ball game.

My current husband is the bomb! We click on some many different levels it is just amazing sometimes. hey they say third times a charm. Going on 5 years now and things are still awesome and getting better each day.:beer:

[darin]

Cheating 'should' be defined as 'cheating your spouse out of something' - it's not 'cheating' as in 'a unethical way to win a game or contest.

To withhold one's affection, love, devotion, honor - or whatever else one has vowed is cheating one's spouse of that which was promised to them.

When women make themselves off-limits to their husband as a form of 'punishment' for whatever he hasn't done around the house, or something he's said, etc, that woman is being factually unfaithful to her vows.

When a husband makes fun of his wife, or puts her down in front of his friends "Lookit the size of that ass!" (in a negative way) or "geesh woman - get right - go cook something for these guys" - or whatever it is that belittles or paints her in a bad light - he's being factually unfaithful to his vows to bring his wife Honor.


Sex has very little - but of course is a part of - "Cheating". Sex, however, is the DRAMATIC part of cheating. For instance -

Woman cuts her husband off from all affection, love, attention, service. After a time the husband falls for a girl at work who pays him attention, praise, etc. The wife finds out about the sexual encounter(s) and immediately feels 'violate' or 'cheated-on'. She calls her family, friends, Oprah, whomever - and rails and weeps and cries about her sad state...her state of being the VICTIM in all this.

That's crap. BOTH have reneged upon vows they have made. Both have sinned. I'd argue the wife's sin directly lead to the husbands - not that his wife is to 'blame' per se, but it's absolutely a contributing factor. None is innocent. Both should repent to each other and God.

[Trigg]

It's well established that most Conservative males cheat on their wives by consuming porn.

What, did mediamatters do a poll????????






We all know that's the only other place you frequent :laugh2:




hang on a sec, only libs frequent mediamatters. :slap: that's you dipwad:laugh2::laugh2:

[Trinity]

When women make themselves off-limits to their husband as a form of 'punishment' for whatever he hasn't done around the house, or something he's said, etc, that woman is being factually unfaithful to her vows.



You know I can honestly say that.....that is one I never used....why?.....because i would be punishing myself as well.......I never could understand why women would withhold sex from their spouses because of something they did or did not do. Unless of course he had actually had sex with someone else that could be understandable.

[Trigg]

Cheating 'should' be defined as 'cheating your spouse out of something' - it's not 'cheating' as in 'a unethical way to win a game or contest.

To withhold one's affection, love, devotion, honor - or whatever else one has vowed is cheating one's spouse of that which was promised to them.

When women make themselves off-limits to their husband as a form of 'punishment' for whatever he hasn't done around the house, or something he's said, etc, that woman is being factually unfaithful to her vows.

When a husband makes fun of his wife, or puts her down in front of his friends "Lookit the size of that ass!" (in a negative way) or "geesh woman - get right - go cook something for these guys" - or whatever it is that belittles or paints her in a bad light - he's being factually unfaithful to his vows to bring his wife Honor.


Sex has very little - but of course is a part of - "Cheating". Sex, however, is the DRAMATIC part of cheating. For instance -

Woman cuts her husband off from all affection, love, attention, service. After a time the husband falls for a girl at work who pays him attention, praise, etc. The wife finds out about the sexual encounter(s) and immediately feels 'violate' or 'cheated-on'. She calls her family, friends, Oprah, whomever - and rails and weeps and cries about her sad state...her state of being the VICTIM in all this.

That's crap. BOTH have reneged upon vows they have made. Both have sinned. I'd argue the wife's sin directly lead to the husbands - not that his wife is to 'blame' per se, but it's absolutely a contributing factor. None is innocent. Both should repent to each other and God.

I almost don't know what to say about this post. I really like and respect what you have to say most of the time.

I don't believe women should withhold sex, as a punishment for what their husbands or boyfriends are doing.

However, for you to claim that the husbands cheating "sexual relationship" is somehow equal so the wifes withholding of sex boggles the mind. It just IS NOT EQUAL.

[AlbumAddict]

To withhold one's affection, love, devotion, honor - or whatever else one has vowed is cheating one's spouse of that which was promised to them.

That makes a lot of sense. However, no one is perfect, so is there a difference to you between an "I had a bad day and snapped at my husband and failed to show him honor" and a state of constant withholding? Is it cheating in your eyes to withhold one of those things one time? That seems a tad depressing...and it would make everyone in a marriage relationship a "cheater", wouldn't it?

[darin]

However, for you to claim that the husbands cheating "sexual relationship" is somehow equal so the wifes withholding of sex boggles the mind. It just IS NOT EQUAL.

I don't serve a God who grades sin. ANY breaking of ANY vows is cheating, lying, unfaithfulness. It all equates. However, there's a LOT more drama in one having sex outside of marriage - that's the one thing which for some reason automatically makes the other person the 'poor victim'.

I respect and value your participation, thoughts, comments too, Trigg. :) Thanks!!


That makes a lot of sense. However, no one is perfect, so is there a difference to you between an "I had a bad day and snapped at my husband and failed to show him honor" and a state of constant withholding? Is it cheating in your eyes to withhold one of those things one time? That seems a tad depressing...and it would make everyone in a marriage relationship a "cheater", wouldn't it?

No, it puts into perspective our own capacity for grace and love. Snapping at someone, or getting angry is so completely not part of this discussion. I think it's pretty clear what I meant - Withholding is THE SAME as 'cheating'/adultery/sex/affections with another. BOTH 'cheat' the other spouse out of what was vowed to be theirs. Love, Honor, Respect, sexual faithfulness. Breaking vows (which requires intent largely, IMO) blows. As I alluded to, who is to say which is worse. There's a solid argument one leads to another (e.g., a husband's withholding of affection, respect, love, attention often directly lead to a wife's willingness to find those things in another).

[Trigg]

I don't serve a God who grades sin. ANY breaking of ANY vows is cheating, lying, unfaithfulness. It all equates. However, there's a LOT more drama in one having sex outside of marriage - that's the one thing which for some reason automatically makes the other person the 'poor victim'.

I respect and value your participation, thoughts, comments too, Trigg. :) Thanks!!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if a man/woman feels emotionally detached from their spouse and are unable to work things out through counseling, they should divorce instead of going into a sexual relationship.

I don't think a person reaching out emotionally is the same as sexually, emotionally can be dangerous and lead to cheating sexually, but I still don't think it is equal.

Hubby and I just celebrated our 20th, so I have a few years experience on marriage, am I old or what??

[Trinity]

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if a man/woman feels emotionally detached from their spouse and are unable to work things out through counseling, they should divorce instead of going into a sexual relationship.

I don't think a person reaching out emotionally is the same as sexually, emotionally can be dangerous and lead to cheating sexually, but I still don't think it is equal.

Hubby and I just celebrated our 20th, so I have a few years experience on marriage, am I old or what??

Your not old.....:beer:....not yet anyway. :)

[Jagger]

Have you ever noticed how much porn fits with the conservative view on sex: that good girls dislike sex and bad girls who get down don't deserve respect.

[-Cp]

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if a man/woman feels emotionally detached from their spouse and are unable to work things out through counseling, they should divorce instead of going into a sexual relationship.

I don't think a person reaching out emotionally is the same as sexually, emotionally can be dangerous and lead to cheating sexually, but I still don't think it is equal.

Hubby and I just celebrated our 20th, so I have a few years experience on marriage, am I old or what??

I think what dmp is saying is that both are equally detrimental to the health of the marriage - and both are ultimately "cheating" in the sense that both are breaking vows..

For some reason, our society seems to think that "cheating" is only acted out if a spouse goes and has sex w/ another person. However, that is factually hogwash - Christ said "if a man looks at another woman w/ lust in his heart, he has already committed adultery". I'm pretty sure that ALL married couples - at some time or another - have looked at another person, other than their spouse, in a lustful way. Therefore, most of us are ALL guilty of some form of adultery.

What Christ is underscoring here, is that "cheating" is as much - if not more so - of a heart/attitude condition than it is a physical act.

If a husband/wife fails in ANY of the vows he/she promised on their wedding day than they have, in effect, cheated their spouse of that vow.


I've been married over 18yrs - so yeah, I have a few years experience as well.

[darin]

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if a man/woman feels emotionally detached from their spouse and are unable to work things out through counseling, they should divorce instead of going into a sexual relationship.

I don't think a person reaching out emotionally is the same as sexually, emotionally can be dangerous and lead to cheating sexually, but I still don't think it is equal.

Hubby and I just celebrated our 20th, so I have a few years experience on marriage, am I old or what??

-Cp summed it up just about right for my view.


I think what dmp is saying is that both are equally detrimental to the health of the marriage - and both are ultimately "cheating" in the sense that both are breaking vows..

For some reason, our society seems to think that "cheating" is only acted out if a spouse goes and has sex w/ another person. However, that is factually hogwash - Christ said "if a man looks at another woman w/ lust in his heart, he has already committed adultery". I'm pretty sure that ALL married couples - at some time or another - have looked at another person, other than their spouse, in a lustful way. Therefore, most of us are ALL guilty of some form of adultery.


Here's the part I'm not really sure about. See, looking at somebody and thinking they are hot, or nice-looking, or even sexually attractive isn't lust. That's...attraction. Biology. Christ's message cautioned 'entertaining the thoughts' - not merely seeing. Lust is DEEPER than attraction. If I saw money in a parking lot and my first thought was 'Score! I keepy!' before realizing it's not my money to keep, that's not sin. That's human nature reacting, and a moral compass correcting. Same with the whole 'if a man looks at a woman...' example. The point isn't the looking...it's the desire, thoughts, meditation, mental and emotional feeding on the thought of having sex with somebody.


Also, if a married couple consists of two christian, there is no guilt of adultery. In fact, for any christian, once forgiven are no longer 'a sinner' of any particular label.

If my wife beds-down another, and I forgive her and God forgives her, she's no longer adulteress. She's no longer guilty. For me to ever bring that up, and throw it in her face, or use it against her would be MY sin - not hers. Vice-versa, too.

[AlbumAddict]

I think it's pretty clear what I meant - Withholding is THE SAME as 'cheating'/adultery/sex/affections with another. BOTH 'cheat' the other spouse out of what was vowed to be theirs. Love, Honor, Respect, sexual faithfulness.

If it was pretty clear I wouldn't have asked for clarification, 'cause I'm pretty smart. :slap: :)


Breaking vows (which requires intent largely, IMO) blows.

The problem, for me, with this logic is that if it intent is a large factor, what about the situations when there's no intent. A man wasn't raised in a loving home, because of abuse he never experienced an emotional connection at any age and now he withholds love because it's something he's not capable of giving. Or, playing out the other end of it, let's say a woman goes out for drinks with her girlfriends and the next thing she knows she's had a little too much and ends up in bed with the guy that hit on her. There was no intent, so not cheating?

I think I understand what you mean by intent, but I just don't see how it can be a large factor. Withholding is withholding at it hurts the other person and that seems to be the bigger issue, imo. Maybe it's easier to forgive when there's no intent to harm, but I don't think it makes it any less a form of cheating.


Here's the part I'm not really sure about. See, looking at somebody and thinking they are hot, or nice-looking, or even sexually attractive isn't lust. That's...attraction. Biology. Christ's message cautioned 'entertaining the thoughts' - not merely seeing. Lust is DEEPER than attraction. If I saw money in a parking lot and my first thought was 'Score! I keepy!' before realizing it's not my money to keep, that's not sin. That's human nature reacting, and a moral compass correcting. Same with the whole 'if a man looks at a woman...' example. The point isn't the looking...it's the desire, thoughts, meditation, mental and emotional feeding on the thought of having sex with somebody.

This I agree with wholeheartedly. As much as it grieves me to. ;)


If my wife beds-down another, and I forgive her and God forgives her, she's no longer adulteress. She's no longer guilty. For me to ever bring that up, and throw it in her face, or use it against her would be MY sin - not hers. Vice-versa, too.

I think the problem arises here when one says they forgive, but hasn't quite managed it yet. I think, if my husband ever slept with someone else, that I would TRY to forgive him, but it wouldn't be an instantaneous thing. Unfortantely I am human and don't have the same compacity as God to forgive instantly upon being asked. I also think that if I did manage to forgive him, it would still be difficult to trust him and while you should never throw it in someone's face, I think it can be brought up, because there are consequences for sin after forgiveness. One of them is broken trust.

Thankfully I haven't found myself in this situation so I don't know exactly how I'd react, but that's my best guess. And since everyone else is sharing...15 years this October! :D

[darin]

The problem, for me, with this logic is that if it intent is a large factor, what about the situations when there's no intent. A man wasn't raised in a loving home, because of abuse he never experienced an emotional connection at any age and now he withholds love because it's something he's not capable of giving. Or, playing out the other end of it, let's say a woman goes out for drinks with her girlfriends and the next thing she knows she's had a little too much and ends up in bed with the guy that hit on her. There was no intent, so not cheating?


"largely" requires intent. The bottom line is, he's making his choice. The choice to provide what he promised, or not.



I think I understand what you mean by intent, but I just don't see how it can be a large factor. Withholding is withholding at it hurts the other person and that seems to be the bigger issue, imo. Maybe it's easier to forgive when there's no intent to harm, but I don't think it makes it any less a form of cheating.

Where there's no intent to harm, somebody does something out of ignorance. When I, out of ignorance, dishonor my wife (with a remark, or whatever) I'm not breaking a vow. When she tells me it hurt and I continue, it approaches that line.





I think the problem arises here when one says they forgive, but hasn't quite managed it yet. I think, if my husband ever slept with someone else, that I would TRY to forgive him, but it wouldn't be an instantaneous thing. Unfortunately I am human and don't have the same capacity as God to forgive instantly upon being asked. I also think that if I did manage to forgive him, it would still be difficult to trust him and while you should never throw it in someone's face, I think it can be brought up, because there are consequences for sin after forgiveness. One of them is broken trust.

Thankfully I haven't found myself in this situation so I don't know exactly how I'd react, but that's my best guess. And since everyone else is sharing...15 years this October! :D

What might have you neglected in your marriage that enabled him to easily, or even purposely choose to seek fulfillment outside the relationship? maybe he'd have a hard time trusting YOU, too.

See what I mean? It's NEVER* one-sided. People generally seem lead down paths towards breaking vows to their mates. Little things early on add up to big problems later.

[Kathianne]

"largely" requires intent. The bottom line is, he's making his choice. The choice to provide what he promised, or not.



Where there's no intent to harm, somebody does something out of ignorance. When I, out of ignorance, dishonor my wife (with a remark, or whatever) I'm not breaking a vow. When she tells me it hurt and I continue, it approaches that line.





What might have you neglected in your marriage that enabled him to easily, or even purposely choose to seek fulfillment outside the relationship? maybe he'd have a hard time trusting YOU, too.

See what I mean? It's NEVER* one-sided. People generally seem lead down paths towards breaking vows to their mates. Little things early on add up to big problems later.

My God recognizes intent. He/She recognizes the problems of forefathers, regarding abuse and other issures. My God is just.

[darin]

My God recognizes intent. He/She recognizes the problems of forefathers, regarding abuse and other issures. My God is just.

Absolutely.

:)