Queen Latifah, in EVERY movie? [Archive] - Debate Policy

Hugh Lincoln

04-02-2007, 08:27 PM

Da Queen!

Washington, D.C. — The Civil Rights division of the Department of Justice, under pressure to enforce the Equality in Entertainment Act recently passed by Congress, has demanded that all major movie studios ensure that sassy, no-nonsense black actress Queen Latifah has a role in all movies.

The request is viewed by some as a mere formality, as Queen Latifah has been appearing in 70 to 80 percent of all movies presently made.

But the Rev. Al Sharpton hailed the move, saying it would help to stamp out the racism that plagues Hollywood. “What we have in Hollywood is too many movies with too many crackas. Queen Latifah is going to help bring balance to that.” Said Jesse Jackson, “No justice in the movies, no peace in the streets.”

Latifah herself echoed the remarks, saying “Step back, y’all! The Queen is in town! I’m too big, too black, and too much woman for racist white America! Yo!”

Some critics, who declined to be identified by name for fear of being prosecuted under a provision of the Act making it a felony to criticize or question it, wondered if the “Latifah Rule” weren’t an impingement on artistic freedom.

An earlier version of the law, which required Queen Latifah written to all movies ever made, not just future movies, was rejected. But reflecting on it, one critic asked, “Do we really need to have Queen Latifah digitally inserted into ‘Citizen Kane’? I mean, where is she going to fit in, exactly?” Proponents of this version of the law wanted Elizabeth Taylor digitally erased as Cleopatra and replaced with Latifah, put into the bicycle basket alongside E.T., and inserted as a blacker, sassier, female Dirty Harry, who would ask, “Yo, you think you lucky, punk-ass?”

As it stands, Latifah will be featured only in all future movies, and writers and producers are busy working on plans to ensure that every script written has a spot for her. An upcoming Civil War epic will feature Latifah as a Union general named Kadisha Buttonstreet, who taunts Confederate troops with a shake of her head and the call, “South Carolina can kiss my big black ass!” Another war movie, about Napoleon’s campaigns, will star Latifah as Napoleon himself, with the explanation that racist European historians have untruthfully described him as a short white man instead of a take-charge black woman.

The Department of Justice has commissioned a team of civil rights attorneys to assist scriptwriters who need guidance, according to Andrew Goldstein, the chief attorney for the civil rights division, and a former Hollywood agent. “We want to avoid the stock role of Latifah as the sassy, no-nonsense college friend or neighbor of the white leading actress, or the sassy, no-nonsense secretary for the white businessman in the leading role. But if that’s all that fits, and the movie otherwise promotes a positive and multicultural message, that’ll be OK. What we want to focus on is roles putting the Queen where she belongs — large and in charge.”

Some movies will simply star Latifah, as herself, in the lead role. A provision of the law requires at least one movie per year following this formula. In “Behold Queen Latifah,” she will star as a poor woman from Brooklyn who rises to become a star analyst for Bear Stearns who bests the starchy white men at the company with her street-smart savvy. The final scene is a rousing party at the outfit’s Manhattan headquarters, where older white men in suits put bandanas on their heads and boogie to “Everybody Dance Now.” In “Back Off! The Queen’s Coming Through”, she will star as an Army private who rises to become a general with her savvy street smarts, and helps to save America from a terrorist threat by out-rapping Muslim terrorists.

Director Steven Spielberg promised full cooperation with the law, although he said it would be a challenge to include her in his latest Holocaust movie. “We must have a tolerant society, and if that means a sassy, no-nonsense black woman as chief liberator of Auschwitz, then that’s what we’re going to have.”