avatar4321
03-31-2007, 10:21 PM
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She
got in the back-seat by mistake."
__________________________________________________ ______________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The
94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
__________________________________________________ ______________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
__________________________________________________ _____________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!"
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
__________________________________________________ ____________
OLD FRIENDS:
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a
long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
__________________________________________________ ______________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
__________________________________________________ _____________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
"At the close of life the question will be not how
much have you got, but how much have you given; not
how much have you won, but how much have you done;
not how much have you saved, but how much have you
sacrificed; how much have you loved and served, not
how much were you honored.""
- Nathan C. Schaeffer
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She
got in the back-seat by mistake."
__________________________________________________ ______________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The
94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
__________________________________________________ ______________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
__________________________________________________ _____________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex!"
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
__________________________________________________ ____________
OLD FRIENDS:
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a
long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
__________________________________________________ ______________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
__________________________________________________ _____________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
"At the close of life the question will be not how
much have you got, but how much have you given; not
how much have you won, but how much have you done;
not how much have you saved, but how much have you
sacrificed; how much have you loved and served, not
how much were you honored.""
- Nathan C. Schaeffer